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scifi_rewatchThe final episode before the big, two part season 3 finale! And yeesh, the cast and crew hate it something awful. :P I didn’t think it was that bad! Ridiculous, sure, but not as ridiculous as, say, the last episode, “Tsunami.” Then again, it’s been a year since I’ve watched that one, so. :P
Basically, Xena and Gabrielle go off to visit old friends we’ve never heard of before, members of two recently peaceful villages, who happen to have their statue commemorating that peace stolen from right under their noses. Autolycus shows up as well, because to protect his reputation as the King of Thieves, he has to steal said statue back. The Warrior Princess and the Bard work with him towards this end.
Yes, there’s stupid backstory and yes, there’s bad special effects. But Lucy Lawless, Renee O’Connor and Bruce Campbell have fun together! Or at least that’s how it’s always seemed to me. Maybe it’s because we’re so far removed from the end of the show that I can take the time to appreciate an episode that doesn’t amount to much more than generate some fun scenes between those three. Maybe it’s because I’m a secret hippie peacenik and like the idea of venerating a statue for the end of hostilities. Maybe it’s because of Lucy’s latest hilarious caricature (though it also kinda makes me cringe!) Most likely it’s because I’m taking a deep breath before diving into the final two episodes of the season, which are much more revered. And also my faves of the series, methinks, but I’ll get to those in due time!
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
Xena and Gabrielle part ways before the Bard goes to visit a supposed old friend, Adar. The whoosh.org commentator, Beth Gaynor, assumes this is because they didn’t want the Pax statue to be stolen right under Xena’s nose. :P Gabrielle arrives at a village where people are dancing and feasting. Adar explains that the statue of Pax symbolizes twenty years of peace between two previously warring villages. But the next morning, when Adar goes onto the porch his house and stretches, he notices something startling—Pax is gone! Xena arrives and immediately suspects someone…for a moment we think it will be a surly warrior-looking type, but instead it’s the old grandma behind him! Doesn’t take long to realize that said grandma is actually Autolycus in disguise. Stealing a huge-ass statue (which looks, to me, kinda like The Falconer statue in New York, just sayin,) makes that thief top dog…and of course the king of thieves can’t have that. We get some Auto backstory—ever since he stole from the man who killed his brother, he’s always been the best thief. And Xena—who inhabited his body last year, if you remember—kinda owes him. They work together, tracking down the thief and pretending to be interested in buying the stolen goods. But it turns out this thief is Tarsus, the very same who murdered Autolycus’s brother! Will Autolycus reach for revenge by way of murder this time? Or will the Warrior Princess of Redemption be able to stop him? And how do they even sneak the Pax statue back home? (Spoiler alert—Tarsus dragged the thing in two parts in sea trenches. Autolycus traces the route while wearing a scuba diving outfit that looks like a parody of a Jules Verne creation, hee. Hence the disclaimer below.)
So the plan—which Autolycus definitely wanted to be sneaky and underhanded, not Xena’s usual style of kicking and punching—was sort of make it up as you go. :P And sometimes they did rely on Xena’s methods, or they argued about Xena’s methods, like when Xena put the pinch on a dock worker to get Tarsus’s name, and Auto complained for awhile while Gabby counted down the seconds. :P Luckily, the pinch never kills anyone unless the plot wants it to, heh. And later, Xena does let Auto free himself from 200 locks rather than doing it for him! So. The first part of the plan was for Gabby to disguise herself as a “fence,” or potential bidder. But when it became apparent that Tarsus was going to melt down the statue asap, then Xena became involved in order to sabotage the furnace with her chakram. Don’t know why Gabby couldn’t have handled that one on her own (well, I’ll get to Xena’s disguise later) but ok! Once they were in Tarsus’s castle, Auto, disguised as a humpback, Igor-type helper named Bentley, discovered the use of painted scenes to create the effect of a corridor that wasn’t there. Gaynor wondered if the “Xena” crew was making fun of their own set designs, heh. In context of the show, Auto painted Pax’s base and then hid “the falconer” part of the statue behind it. This came at a particularly bad time for Tarsus, who had a genuine buyer coming to look at the statue being melted into gold—and a “trigger happy” general at that. But the general leaves after making his threats, Auto gets to make his victory lap, and Xena finally subdues Tarsus.
Maybe I’ve forgotten some key moment in a previous episode—a major downfall to how long it’s taken me to put up these recaps—but I don’t think we’ve ever heard Autolycus’s backstory before. It’s incredibly weak sauce, even I have to agree on that point. It’s basically a diet Xena—Auto apparently also lost his brother to a thug, but instead of swearing vengeance by killing the guy, he swears vengeance by stealing from the guy. Then Xena, dramatically and over a long period of backstory, makes choices and alliances that make her into the baddest warlord—the warrior princess—of them all, while I suppose Auto thinks this stealing gig is a good time and speaks to his ego. :P I dunno, maybe part of me is more intrigued by a person who would channel is grief into a very different sort of revenge. But this isn’t supposed to be a deep character study, self. :P This is supposed to provide a thin sense of conflict for the here and now, where of course Tarsus is the thief who killed Autolycus’s brother. And of course, Auto considers the killing sort of revenge THIS time. And of course, Xena is there to talk him down with her newfound redemption. Works better here than it did with the dude in “Tsunami,” though to be fair I think that dude turned into the more intriguing part of that episode. To be fair, I’m ready to give this episode a lot of leeway because we have a long trust built up with these particular characters. Like I wrote before, I’ll ignore the stupid backstory and focus on the kooky character acting, established relationships and dialogue.
Speaking of “dialogue,” or perhaps “character” is a better fit…that “Eszra” persona. :P Oy. Apparenty Lucy Lawless was insistent upon parodying a real estate agent that she met in New York. But by the time it came to record DVD commentaries, she had her head in her hands, lulz. It had to be fun for Lucy at the time, didn’t it? Xena is usually such a serious—and sometimes even joyless—character. But apparently Xena is a good actress, too, to be able to pull THAT amount of schmaltz out of thin air. :P As a Jew, I felt a little threatened, because let’s be real about that stereotypical affectation, heh. (Felt strange to hear it around all the New Zealand accents, hee.) But come on, “Xena” crew, how is this not a saving grace for an otherwise stupid episode? From the fan perspective, this seems to be the usual amount of character quirks and humor. That being said, in comparison, Gabby’s Marquesa accent for fencer “Myopia” fell a little flat. Seems like Renee O’Connor still needed to do a little bit of dusting off there. She last played the Marquesa, aka Xena’s beauty pageant sponsor for the episode “Here She Comes…Miss Amphipolis” way back in season 2. It’s an interesting turn of events, isn’t it? Back at the beginning of the show, Renee and Gabby used to handle most of the kooky humor. But now they take a backseat to “Ezra’s” antics. (Though both the Bard and the Warrior Princess continue to compete with each other a la the usual…this time when bidding extravagantly on the statue that they don’t intend to buy. :P) Later, I found it rather freaky when “Ezra” was tied up, with mascara running and moaning into her gag! That being said, of course Xena was kicking ass right after the goons turned their backs on her, hee.
There was more than one show callback this episode, too! “Xena” can be episodic a lot of the time, but yay for some nods to continuity, too! The biggest callback was to season two episode “The Quest,” when Xena’s consciousness briefly encompassed Autolycus’s body. And even more specifically, Autolycus is taking Xena up on something that she promised to at the end of that eppy: “I think I’ll keep that favor thing in mind. Might come in handy for the King of Thieves!” When he comes to collect, he gives his own interpretation of events that episode in order to sway Xena. The scene ends with Autolycus saying he was “finished” talking, depending on if his sob story worked, hee. This is also a bit like episode one’s “A Royal Couple of Thieves,” except that in this buddy heist scenario, Auto certainly has a little bit more by way of personal investment! Gaynor sees more similarities, like that each episode includes some physical comedy that takes place by a gang plank. …yeah, I think the folks at whoosh.org are on the money here. Gaynor doesn’t like other recent Autolycus episodes, ones that I don’t remember getting so panned in the DVD commentaries, like “King of Assassins” and “Tsnumani.” Those weren’t as good a rendition of his character, she says. Here, he’s the lovable rogue we came to know and love since Bruce Campbell’s first guest star gig!
And finally, sticking with the fansites, here’s some more behind the scenes goodies that they offer. The wikia pretty exclusively focused on the DVD commentary fallout, like this quote from Rob Tapert: “This episode is one of the biggest losers, at least in my mind…Due to all kinds of circumstances, every single department from the actors through to the director through to everything in between—even…the script, let us down.” Plus there’s some attention given to a shitty special effect with the Pax statue at the end, when it’s gloriously restored to its people. For my part, the biggest difference seemed to be that the base was much bigger and the “Falconer” part was much smaller than at the beginning of the eppy. Anywho. The DVD commentaries also talked with the director, Andrew Merrifield, who basically centered on how tired Lucy and Renee always were from their schedules, and that Renee liked more feedback on her characterization than did Lucy. Uh, ok. (More interesting was his nod to the fact that directors come and go, but Lucy and Renee live these characters for all episodes.) Both whoosh.org and the wikia were more critical of an editing problem regarding hats going on and off during a fight scene. I admit, I rarely seem to notice that sort of thing. A whoosh.org commentator, Juhani, analyzed Xena and Gabby’s fencer names…Ezra was a high priest who led the Jews of the Bablylonian exile back to Jerusalem, which I think you’d have to stretch a lot to apply to Xena, no matter her fame and centrality to historical events in the Xenaverse. Myopia means near-sighted, which could really apply to a lot of characters and situations in this episode, heh. But is often the case, at the end of the hour, everything is back to where it should be.
Disclaimer Upon completion of the filming of this episode, Autolycus' Scuba Gear was placed on display at the Athens Diving Institute for the education and enjoyment of future generations to come.
Favorite Quotes:
*Gabrielle may be a peacenik, but she’s not one for swooning on the subject*
Man: Welcome! Welcome to the festival of peace! Peace to you!
Gabrielle: Back atcha!
Man: Peace forever!
Gabrielle: Everybody, yeah! I’m gonna need my arm back!
*Adar’s expository speech*
Adar: We are gathered today from many villages-- for our annual celebration of Pax-- the personification of peace. This statue was created twenty years ago at the end of a bitter war-- and serves as a reminder-- that we are truly one people, bound by a spirit of cooperation and understanding.
*…though it’s a tenuous peace in times of trouble, it seems!*
Gabrielle: Guess it’s pretty bad, huh?
Adar: Pretty bad? It’s worse than pretty bad. This is a disaster. Already, there are angry recriminations between the villagers-- as to what’s happened to the statue. Everyone’s so-- mistrustful, because it’s just-- so hard to believe. It was _there_ last night. And-and then it’s just-- _vanished_.
*Xena sees through Autolycus’s disguise*
Xena: I think we have a suspect. I’m talkin’ to you, Grandma!
Autolycus/Grandma: Ah! What’s that, Sweetie?!
Gabrielle: What-- ?
Xena: I wanna ask you a few questions!
Autolycus/Grandma: I’m sorry, I need to tend to my, uh-- ow! Broken hip! Ahh! Ohh!
*Autolycus’s motivations*
Autolycus: Ahh! Well, like I’m here for the pony rides! Xena, I wanna get that statue back just as much as you.
Xena: Give me a break.
Autolycus: Oh, no, not for any goody-goody reasons, but for me. Don’t you get it? I don’t know who stole that statue. What’s worse, I don’t know _how_ they stole it. So, if I don’t find out who did and steal it back--
Xena: -- you’re no longer the king of thieves.
Autolycus: Exactly-- which is why I’m gonna let you work with me on this.
*Autolycus’s trump card*
Autolycus: Oh, I get it. What have I done for you, lately, huh?
Xena: Yeah.
Autolycus: Yeah, nothing besides letting you live inside my body while I risked my _life_-- to steal back your shapely corpse--all the while having to endure Gabrielle whining and crying 24 hours a day about, ‘How much she misses Xena!’
Xena: Are you quite finished?!
Autolycus: That depends. Did it work?
Xena: It worked.
Autolycus: Then I’m finished.
*first time I’ve heard of this backstory!*
Gabrielle: Working with us might rub off on Autolycus. It could change him-- or not.
Xena: Autolycus became a thief to avenge a terrible wrong.
Gabrielle: I know-- he told me. He stole everything from the merchant who killed his brother. He left him with nothing-- just a broken man.
Xena: You see, that was Autolycus’ defining moment. He’ll always think of himself as a thief. If he wants me to help him regain the title of king, then so be it. It’s the least I can do. The man did save my life.
*Autolycus’s fake accent is a bit over the top, plus special effects sounds in post*
Autolycus/Namin: Greetings. I am told you are the one called--‘Wharfmaster’? I-- am Namin-- an antiquities dealer—trading in rare Armenian-- antiquitites. I need to ship some rather, uh-- delicate cargo?
Wharfmaster: Can’t help you.
Autolycus/Namin: Ah, no, no-- you misunderstand. I was hoping you could recommend a ship captain who could help us with such a, um-- sensitive-- transaction, hmm?
Wharfmaster: Look, Blinky, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, OK?
Autolycus/Namin: Heh-heh-heh-heh. Then, perhaps for you-- it is very fortunate-- that I speak the universal-- language. Huh? *coins on desk*
Wharfmaster: You’ll have to speak it louder than that, my friend.
*Autolycus and Xena debate tactics, while Gabby counts down the pinch put on the Wharfmaster*
Autolycus/Namin: What are you doing?
Xena: Putting a little pressure on him.
Autolycus: Psychological pressure. Uh, Xena-- you agreed to do this my way. Undo that.
Gabrielle: Sixteen, seventeen.
Xena: All right.
Gabrielle: Eighteen.
*Gabrielle/Myopia’s bad accent convinces Tarsus to melt the statue down! :P*
Gabrielle/Myopia: Tarsus, I presume.
Tarsus: And you are?
Gabrielle/Myopia: Myopia, the fence. I-- fence. I come to tell you, I make offer-- on the statue of Pax.
Tarsus: Ha! What makes you think that I-- have Pax?
Gabrielle/Myopia: This? You’d be surprised-- how _little_ it takes to loosen lips of corrupt wharfmaster.
Tarsus: Get the furnace going.
Gabrielle/Myopia: Furnace?
Tarsus: When strangers start knocking on my door with offers, I’d say things ere a bit too hot to have a stolen, sacred piece of art hanging around. These city-states have been known to send armies after the silliest artifacts. On the other hand--who’s to say where I got a few hundred pounds of raw gold?
Gabrielle/Myopia: I’m not-- sure I-- understand.
Tarsus: As soon as the furnace is hot enough, the statue of Pax will be melted down.
*Gabrielle needs some help thinking on her feet*
Gabrielle/Myopia: Wait. You can’t melt the statue down.
Tarsus: Why not?
Gabrielle/Myopia: Be-- because it gets gooey! I do not pay for goo.
*Xena’s big “Ezra” entrance*
Xena/Ezra: Ha-ha! Dahling!
Tarsus: Ezra-- nice to meet you.
Xena/Ezra: Charmed, I’m sure, but I’m here on business.
Tarsus: Well, you’re going to have some competition. This is Myopia. She’s also interested in the statue.
Xena/Ezra: Myopia, I’ve heard of you. They say you used to be good-lookin’. Huh.
*Xena has a sneakier way of stopping the meltdown of Pax, and she gets a dig in at Gabs along the way*
Gabrielle/Myopia: Tarsus was just about to have the statue melted down. Of course, I tell him-- the statue is much more valuable intact.
Xena/Ezra: Well, that would be because you’re a rank amateur.
*”Ezra’s” first stage exit*
Xena/Ezra: Fabulous. Oh, my manservant’s outside. Would you give him a hand with the baggage? Oh-- gorgeous.
*Xena also gets to insult Autolycus, while making an excuse for him to wander uninhibited around Tarsus’s castle*
Xena/Ezra: Here’s my guy, now. This is my assistant, uh--Bentley.
Gabrielle/Myopia: Bentley-- what an unfortunate name.
Autolycus/Bentley: Well-- Mother had, uh-- quite the sense a’ humor. Ow!
Xena/Ezra: Stay out of the way, Bentley. They’re about to melt down the statue. Go on.
Autolycus/Bentley: Ooops! *after knocking down torch*
Tarsus: Your man is an idiot.
Xena/Ezra: You’re telling me. Get inside, ya buffoon!
Autolycus: A thousand pardons. I, uh-- ooooh!
*the girls get truly competitive as they try to keep Tarsus outside his home with Autolycus is casing the joint*
Xena/Ezra: One hundred and forty thousand dinars.
Gabrielle/Myopia: One hundred-- sixty thousand.
Xena/Ezra: Two hundred thousand dinars.
Tarsus: Two hundred thousand dinars. Going once--
Gabrielle/Myopia: Two hundred-- fifty thousand.
Tarsus: Two hundred and _fifty_ thousand dinars. Going--
Xena/Ezra: Three hundred thousand.
Gabrielle/Myopia: Three hundred fifty.
Xena/Ezra: Four hundred thousand dinars-- and I’ll throw in the ring of Apollo.
Gabrielle/Myopia: Let her have it.
Tarsus: Sold.
*Autolycus sounds the wake up call*
Xena: Ya just _had_ to outbid me, didn’tcha?!
Gabrielle: You outbid me, first.
Xena: It’s a wonder you didn’t go even _higher_.
Gabrielle: Right! Like I can top the ring of Apollo?!
Autolycus: Are you two out of your minds?! What difference does it make who outbid who? We’re pretending, remember?
*promise of some extra tension*
Tarsus: Congratulations, Ezra. I am obligated to tell you that a well-known Silosian general is on his way here-- to make a bid.
Xena/Ezra: Really? Is he good-lookin’?
Tarsus: Look, if you have the money here by morning, I’m sure he can’t top your offer.
Xena/Ezra: Oh, it’ll be here. So, tell me more about this naughty general?
*Someone is on to Autolycus’s disguise…*
Theia: Excuse me. My name is Theia.
Autolycus/Bentley: Oh. Uh-huh-- Bentley.
Theia: Forgive me for, uh-- staring, but-- I just can’t help but notice your--
Autolycus/Bentley: Uh, smile?
Theia: To be honest? I was actually referring to your hump.
Autolycus: Oh, that-- uh-- hmm.
Theia: Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?
Autolycus: Well-- su-sure, go ahead, uh-- wh-what d’ya wanna know?
Theia: Would you mind if I touched it?
Autolycus/Bentley: “Oh, uh-- no, no. I would really rather—that you didn’t.
Theia: Well, why? D-does it hurt?
Autolycus/Bentley: Well, of course it hurts. Why do you think camels are so miserable? Hmm?
*Tarsus’s big reveal!*
Tarsus: Of course-- I haven’t always been a thief. Oh, no. For many years, I was a moderately-successful merchant--
Xena/Ezra: Uh-huh?
Tarsus: -- making a decent living. One day, I had a—a disagreement with a competitor. I had to-- eliminate him as a rival.
Xena/Ezra: Well, you would.
Tarsus: Unbeknownst to me, my competitor had a younger brother. Rather than face me like a man, he took his vengeance by stealing from me. Cleaned me out, but-- in so doing, he taught me a lesson. The world belongs to those who make it their own. A toast, then--
Guests: A toast.
Tarsus: -- to the man who has brought us all here tonight—to Autolycus-- the former king of thieves.
*Xena as Ezra switching tactics*
Xena/Ezra: Auto! Auto, Baby! Ya promised me this was gonna woik! You’re supposed to be the king of thieves! My father-- my father told me he was a loser, and a fraud—with his phony disguises and that silly mustache. But-- I will always love you. Oh! Oh, look! Ya gotta believe me! He put me up to this! Ya know how he is with that charm of his. He’s so shallow, yet so persuasive! I’m not really a bad pois’n! I just fell in love with the wrong man at the wrong-- !
Tarsus: Shut up! Take her, too! And gag her!
*Cue the villain monologue*
Tarsus: That’s twenty feet of the strongest chain wrapped around you, Autolycus-- fastened by two hundred-- of the best locks in the world.
Autolycus: Good-- I enjoy a challenge.
Tarsus: Uh-huh. Well, enjoy it while you can-- because I’ve just sent word to everyone who has a reward out on your head. I’ll deliver you to the highest bidder.
Autolycus: [Yawns]
Tarsus: Outwardly, you’re always calm, Autolycus. But I’m not fooled. Inside you, you burn with hatred toward me, don’t you? And it’s only gonna get worse. Just think. I killed your brother. I stole your mantle as ‘king of thieves’-- and soon, I’ll be delivering you to your executioners. It’s all so perfect.
*…just in case you have any doubt as to Tarsus’s character, here he is talking to a gagged “Ezra”*
Tarsus: You pathetic weaking! I plan to sell you to the Silosians. Don’t worry-- you won’t be with ‘em for long. They usually beat their slave girls to death in a matter of weeks.
*Xena still has time to facilitate a redemption arc, even as they are on thin ice with their “save Pax” plan*
Gabrielle: Could I ask you a question?
Xena: Shoot.
Gabrielle: What are we doing?!
Xena: We’re doing it his way.
Gabrielle: You call that _his_ way?
Xena: Don’t get technical on me. Now that we know it was Tarsus who killed his brother, it’s even more essential that we let Autolycus win his way.
Gabrielle: Why do you think he didn’t tell us who Tarsus was?
Xena: I’m hoping because it doesn’t make any difference.
Gabrielle: So, where is he?
Xena: Somewhere in this castle, someplace-- chained and manacled with 200 locks.
Gabrielle: 200 locks?
Xena: Yes.
Gabrielle: No.
Xena: It’s gonna take him at least an hour to get out of that lot. Come on-- let’s get on with it.
*interesting technique with the lock picking*
Autolycus: Come on. Come on, talk to me. I’m listenin’, but I’m not hearing. Come on. Just a little more. Heh-heh-heh—there we go. 64.
*Xena is such a mentor this ep*
Gabrielle: Don’t you think we should find Autolycus?
Xena: Are you kidding? He’d never forgive me if I robbed him of the joy of getting out of that by himself. As long as he’s back by sunrise, it’ll work.
*…but maybe she should have been a little bit more hands on!*
Gabrielle: Where is he?
Xena: I don’t know-- he wasn’t in the dungeon.
Gabrielle: That’s great. He got out. The Silosians will be here any moment.
Xena: I don’t think he’s gonna be joing us.
Gabrielle: What do you mean? His plan was to meet here.
Xena: He’s not concerned with his plan anymore.
Gabrielle: I don’t understand.
Xena: He’s going to kill Tarsus.
Gabrielle: But Autolycus doesn’t kill. He got revenge on Tarsus before by stealing from him.
Xena: Now he plans to finish the job.
Gabrielle: Xena-- Autolycus isn’t a killer-- not even to avenge his brother’s death.”
Xena: He’d be a good one. Think about it. With his skills of disguise and escape, he’d be one of the best.
Gabrielle: That’s if he crosses the line.
Xena: We’re not gonna let him. Come on.
*never too late for the big speech!*
Autolycus: Hello from Malechis.
Tarsus: Hah-- you plan to kill me, don’t you? Why, Autolycus, I didn’t know you had it in you.
Autolycus: That’s why I’m here.
Tarsus: Don’t you want to thank me, first? Think about it. You pride yourself on being the king of thieves, the best—at what you do. And who made you that way? Me-- for better or worse, I made you who you are.
Autolycus: Too bad this isn’t about me. It’s about a decent man you killed a long time ago.
Tarsus: Look, Autolycus, I can’t bring your brother back, but-- I can offer you money-- lots of money.
Autolycus: Money-- I do love money. How much?
Tarsus: Everything I own.
Autolycus: Not enough, but thanks for trying.
Xena: Don’t do it, Autolycus.
Autolycus: Stay out of this, Xena!
Xena: Don’t get me wrong. I agree with you. He killed your brother-- turned you into a thief-- and he was determined to see you dead. Most people would think you had every right to act as his judge. But, I’m asking you, ‘What would Malechis think?’ The man you told me about loved his brother. He gave everything to see that you became a good person. Tarsus may have created the thief, but it was Malechis who gave the thief his heart. Was it the heart of a murderer?
*ok, I’ll agree that this line in particular is baaaad*
Tarsus: You loved your brother so much. Say ‘Hi’ to him in the Underworld!
*the next one, delivered in the middle of a standard fight scene, is much, much better*
Xena: Come on-- come play with me, huh?
*Tarsus’s plan goes up in smoke! Or behind a painted statue base :P*
Tarsus: General-- your timing is perfect. Arrest these people! They’re trying to deprive you of your gold.
General: I’m afraid we have a different sense of humor in Silosia. So, where is it? The gold?!
Tarsus: Where is it? What are you, blind?! It hasn’t been melted down yet, but the statue is right there, against that--but, i-it was there-- I stole it!
Autolycus: You_ stole it? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-- now, how can that be? Obviously-- it’s not even here-- unless someone stole it from you-- someone like, uh-- oh, what’s his name, um? Autolycus, the-- king of thieves?
General: So, I’m negotiating with you?
Autolycus: No, sorry. I’ve made other arrangements.
*…and things are back to normal*
Adar: By Zeus and all the gods! Pax is back! Pax is back! Hey! Hey! Wake up, you guys! Pax is back! Come on! Pax is back! This is incredible! Pax is back! I can_not_ believe what I’m seeing! Look! Pax is back! Pax is back! This is absolutely fantastic!
Gabrielle: That’s what makes doing work like this worthwhile.
Autolycus: Yes, half-naked men screaming through the square-- I see your point.
Gabrielle: Autolycus? Tell me you don’t feel a little bit happy-- that you’ve given the people their statue back.
Autolycus: I’ll tell you what makes me feel a little bit better—is knowing that the crown of--
Gabrielle: -- the king of thieves-- ?
Autolycus: -- has been restored again. And if these people wanna feel happy, well-- that’s OK, too. Xena--
Xena: [Speaking in Ezra’s Voice] Autolycus, Baby?
Autolycus: I tried to thank you back there at the castle.
Xena: Mm-hmm?
Autolycus: But-- you are not an easy person to thank.
Xena: I don’t need any thanks.
Autolycus: I’m sure you don’t. And I don’t have gems, or money, or anything else of value to offer you-- except this. You are the second-best thief I’ve ever met. And if you ever need to get inside my body again, you just look me up.
Xena: Thanks.
Autolycus: Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: Yes?
Autolycus: You’ll miss me.
Basically, Xena and Gabrielle go off to visit old friends we’ve never heard of before, members of two recently peaceful villages, who happen to have their statue commemorating that peace stolen from right under their noses. Autolycus shows up as well, because to protect his reputation as the King of Thieves, he has to steal said statue back. The Warrior Princess and the Bard work with him towards this end.
Yes, there’s stupid backstory and yes, there’s bad special effects. But Lucy Lawless, Renee O’Connor and Bruce Campbell have fun together! Or at least that’s how it’s always seemed to me. Maybe it’s because we’re so far removed from the end of the show that I can take the time to appreciate an episode that doesn’t amount to much more than generate some fun scenes between those three. Maybe it’s because I’m a secret hippie peacenik and like the idea of venerating a statue for the end of hostilities. Maybe it’s because of Lucy’s latest hilarious caricature (though it also kinda makes me cringe!) Most likely it’s because I’m taking a deep breath before diving into the final two episodes of the season, which are much more revered. And also my faves of the series, methinks, but I’ll get to those in due time!
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
Xena and Gabrielle part ways before the Bard goes to visit a supposed old friend, Adar. The whoosh.org commentator, Beth Gaynor, assumes this is because they didn’t want the Pax statue to be stolen right under Xena’s nose. :P Gabrielle arrives at a village where people are dancing and feasting. Adar explains that the statue of Pax symbolizes twenty years of peace between two previously warring villages. But the next morning, when Adar goes onto the porch his house and stretches, he notices something startling—Pax is gone! Xena arrives and immediately suspects someone…for a moment we think it will be a surly warrior-looking type, but instead it’s the old grandma behind him! Doesn’t take long to realize that said grandma is actually Autolycus in disguise. Stealing a huge-ass statue (which looks, to me, kinda like The Falconer statue in New York, just sayin,) makes that thief top dog…and of course the king of thieves can’t have that. We get some Auto backstory—ever since he stole from the man who killed his brother, he’s always been the best thief. And Xena—who inhabited his body last year, if you remember—kinda owes him. They work together, tracking down the thief and pretending to be interested in buying the stolen goods. But it turns out this thief is Tarsus, the very same who murdered Autolycus’s brother! Will Autolycus reach for revenge by way of murder this time? Or will the Warrior Princess of Redemption be able to stop him? And how do they even sneak the Pax statue back home? (Spoiler alert—Tarsus dragged the thing in two parts in sea trenches. Autolycus traces the route while wearing a scuba diving outfit that looks like a parody of a Jules Verne creation, hee. Hence the disclaimer below.)
So the plan—which Autolycus definitely wanted to be sneaky and underhanded, not Xena’s usual style of kicking and punching—was sort of make it up as you go. :P And sometimes they did rely on Xena’s methods, or they argued about Xena’s methods, like when Xena put the pinch on a dock worker to get Tarsus’s name, and Auto complained for awhile while Gabby counted down the seconds. :P Luckily, the pinch never kills anyone unless the plot wants it to, heh. And later, Xena does let Auto free himself from 200 locks rather than doing it for him! So. The first part of the plan was for Gabby to disguise herself as a “fence,” or potential bidder. But when it became apparent that Tarsus was going to melt down the statue asap, then Xena became involved in order to sabotage the furnace with her chakram. Don’t know why Gabby couldn’t have handled that one on her own (well, I’ll get to Xena’s disguise later) but ok! Once they were in Tarsus’s castle, Auto, disguised as a humpback, Igor-type helper named Bentley, discovered the use of painted scenes to create the effect of a corridor that wasn’t there. Gaynor wondered if the “Xena” crew was making fun of their own set designs, heh. In context of the show, Auto painted Pax’s base and then hid “the falconer” part of the statue behind it. This came at a particularly bad time for Tarsus, who had a genuine buyer coming to look at the statue being melted into gold—and a “trigger happy” general at that. But the general leaves after making his threats, Auto gets to make his victory lap, and Xena finally subdues Tarsus.
Maybe I’ve forgotten some key moment in a previous episode—a major downfall to how long it’s taken me to put up these recaps—but I don’t think we’ve ever heard Autolycus’s backstory before. It’s incredibly weak sauce, even I have to agree on that point. It’s basically a diet Xena—Auto apparently also lost his brother to a thug, but instead of swearing vengeance by killing the guy, he swears vengeance by stealing from the guy. Then Xena, dramatically and over a long period of backstory, makes choices and alliances that make her into the baddest warlord—the warrior princess—of them all, while I suppose Auto thinks this stealing gig is a good time and speaks to his ego. :P I dunno, maybe part of me is more intrigued by a person who would channel is grief into a very different sort of revenge. But this isn’t supposed to be a deep character study, self. :P This is supposed to provide a thin sense of conflict for the here and now, where of course Tarsus is the thief who killed Autolycus’s brother. And of course, Auto considers the killing sort of revenge THIS time. And of course, Xena is there to talk him down with her newfound redemption. Works better here than it did with the dude in “Tsunami,” though to be fair I think that dude turned into the more intriguing part of that episode. To be fair, I’m ready to give this episode a lot of leeway because we have a long trust built up with these particular characters. Like I wrote before, I’ll ignore the stupid backstory and focus on the kooky character acting, established relationships and dialogue.
Speaking of “dialogue,” or perhaps “character” is a better fit…that “Eszra” persona. :P Oy. Apparenty Lucy Lawless was insistent upon parodying a real estate agent that she met in New York. But by the time it came to record DVD commentaries, she had her head in her hands, lulz. It had to be fun for Lucy at the time, didn’t it? Xena is usually such a serious—and sometimes even joyless—character. But apparently Xena is a good actress, too, to be able to pull THAT amount of schmaltz out of thin air. :P As a Jew, I felt a little threatened, because let’s be real about that stereotypical affectation, heh. (Felt strange to hear it around all the New Zealand accents, hee.) But come on, “Xena” crew, how is this not a saving grace for an otherwise stupid episode? From the fan perspective, this seems to be the usual amount of character quirks and humor. That being said, in comparison, Gabby’s Marquesa accent for fencer “Myopia” fell a little flat. Seems like Renee O’Connor still needed to do a little bit of dusting off there. She last played the Marquesa, aka Xena’s beauty pageant sponsor for the episode “Here She Comes…Miss Amphipolis” way back in season 2. It’s an interesting turn of events, isn’t it? Back at the beginning of the show, Renee and Gabby used to handle most of the kooky humor. But now they take a backseat to “Ezra’s” antics. (Though both the Bard and the Warrior Princess continue to compete with each other a la the usual…this time when bidding extravagantly on the statue that they don’t intend to buy. :P) Later, I found it rather freaky when “Ezra” was tied up, with mascara running and moaning into her gag! That being said, of course Xena was kicking ass right after the goons turned their backs on her, hee.
There was more than one show callback this episode, too! “Xena” can be episodic a lot of the time, but yay for some nods to continuity, too! The biggest callback was to season two episode “The Quest,” when Xena’s consciousness briefly encompassed Autolycus’s body. And even more specifically, Autolycus is taking Xena up on something that she promised to at the end of that eppy: “I think I’ll keep that favor thing in mind. Might come in handy for the King of Thieves!” When he comes to collect, he gives his own interpretation of events that episode in order to sway Xena. The scene ends with Autolycus saying he was “finished” talking, depending on if his sob story worked, hee. This is also a bit like episode one’s “A Royal Couple of Thieves,” except that in this buddy heist scenario, Auto certainly has a little bit more by way of personal investment! Gaynor sees more similarities, like that each episode includes some physical comedy that takes place by a gang plank. …yeah, I think the folks at whoosh.org are on the money here. Gaynor doesn’t like other recent Autolycus episodes, ones that I don’t remember getting so panned in the DVD commentaries, like “King of Assassins” and “Tsnumani.” Those weren’t as good a rendition of his character, she says. Here, he’s the lovable rogue we came to know and love since Bruce Campbell’s first guest star gig!
And finally, sticking with the fansites, here’s some more behind the scenes goodies that they offer. The wikia pretty exclusively focused on the DVD commentary fallout, like this quote from Rob Tapert: “This episode is one of the biggest losers, at least in my mind…Due to all kinds of circumstances, every single department from the actors through to the director through to everything in between—even…the script, let us down.” Plus there’s some attention given to a shitty special effect with the Pax statue at the end, when it’s gloriously restored to its people. For my part, the biggest difference seemed to be that the base was much bigger and the “Falconer” part was much smaller than at the beginning of the eppy. Anywho. The DVD commentaries also talked with the director, Andrew Merrifield, who basically centered on how tired Lucy and Renee always were from their schedules, and that Renee liked more feedback on her characterization than did Lucy. Uh, ok. (More interesting was his nod to the fact that directors come and go, but Lucy and Renee live these characters for all episodes.) Both whoosh.org and the wikia were more critical of an editing problem regarding hats going on and off during a fight scene. I admit, I rarely seem to notice that sort of thing. A whoosh.org commentator, Juhani, analyzed Xena and Gabby’s fencer names…Ezra was a high priest who led the Jews of the Bablylonian exile back to Jerusalem, which I think you’d have to stretch a lot to apply to Xena, no matter her fame and centrality to historical events in the Xenaverse. Myopia means near-sighted, which could really apply to a lot of characters and situations in this episode, heh. But is often the case, at the end of the hour, everything is back to where it should be.
Disclaimer Upon completion of the filming of this episode, Autolycus' Scuba Gear was placed on display at the Athens Diving Institute for the education and enjoyment of future generations to come.
Favorite Quotes:
*Gabrielle may be a peacenik, but she’s not one for swooning on the subject*
Man: Welcome! Welcome to the festival of peace! Peace to you!
Gabrielle: Back atcha!
Man: Peace forever!
Gabrielle: Everybody, yeah! I’m gonna need my arm back!
*Adar’s expository speech*
Adar: We are gathered today from many villages-- for our annual celebration of Pax-- the personification of peace. This statue was created twenty years ago at the end of a bitter war-- and serves as a reminder-- that we are truly one people, bound by a spirit of cooperation and understanding.
*…though it’s a tenuous peace in times of trouble, it seems!*
Gabrielle: Guess it’s pretty bad, huh?
Adar: Pretty bad? It’s worse than pretty bad. This is a disaster. Already, there are angry recriminations between the villagers-- as to what’s happened to the statue. Everyone’s so-- mistrustful, because it’s just-- so hard to believe. It was _there_ last night. And-and then it’s just-- _vanished_.
*Xena sees through Autolycus’s disguise*
Xena: I think we have a suspect. I’m talkin’ to you, Grandma!
Autolycus/Grandma: Ah! What’s that, Sweetie?!
Gabrielle: What-- ?
Xena: I wanna ask you a few questions!
Autolycus/Grandma: I’m sorry, I need to tend to my, uh-- ow! Broken hip! Ahh! Ohh!
*Autolycus’s motivations*
Autolycus: Ahh! Well, like I’m here for the pony rides! Xena, I wanna get that statue back just as much as you.
Xena: Give me a break.
Autolycus: Oh, no, not for any goody-goody reasons, but for me. Don’t you get it? I don’t know who stole that statue. What’s worse, I don’t know _how_ they stole it. So, if I don’t find out who did and steal it back--
Xena: -- you’re no longer the king of thieves.
Autolycus: Exactly-- which is why I’m gonna let you work with me on this.
*Autolycus’s trump card*
Autolycus: Oh, I get it. What have I done for you, lately, huh?
Xena: Yeah.
Autolycus: Yeah, nothing besides letting you live inside my body while I risked my _life_-- to steal back your shapely corpse--all the while having to endure Gabrielle whining and crying 24 hours a day about, ‘How much she misses Xena!’
Xena: Are you quite finished?!
Autolycus: That depends. Did it work?
Xena: It worked.
Autolycus: Then I’m finished.
*first time I’ve heard of this backstory!*
Gabrielle: Working with us might rub off on Autolycus. It could change him-- or not.
Xena: Autolycus became a thief to avenge a terrible wrong.
Gabrielle: I know-- he told me. He stole everything from the merchant who killed his brother. He left him with nothing-- just a broken man.
Xena: You see, that was Autolycus’ defining moment. He’ll always think of himself as a thief. If he wants me to help him regain the title of king, then so be it. It’s the least I can do. The man did save my life.
*Autolycus’s fake accent is a bit over the top, plus special effects sounds in post*
Autolycus/Namin: Greetings. I am told you are the one called--‘Wharfmaster’? I-- am Namin-- an antiquities dealer—trading in rare Armenian-- antiquitites. I need to ship some rather, uh-- delicate cargo?
Wharfmaster: Can’t help you.
Autolycus/Namin: Ah, no, no-- you misunderstand. I was hoping you could recommend a ship captain who could help us with such a, um-- sensitive-- transaction, hmm?
Wharfmaster: Look, Blinky, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, OK?
Autolycus/Namin: Heh-heh-heh-heh. Then, perhaps for you-- it is very fortunate-- that I speak the universal-- language. Huh? *coins on desk*
Wharfmaster: You’ll have to speak it louder than that, my friend.
*Autolycus and Xena debate tactics, while Gabby counts down the pinch put on the Wharfmaster*
Autolycus/Namin: What are you doing?
Xena: Putting a little pressure on him.
Autolycus: Psychological pressure. Uh, Xena-- you agreed to do this my way. Undo that.
Gabrielle: Sixteen, seventeen.
Xena: All right.
Gabrielle: Eighteen.
*Gabrielle/Myopia’s bad accent convinces Tarsus to melt the statue down! :P*
Gabrielle/Myopia: Tarsus, I presume.
Tarsus: And you are?
Gabrielle/Myopia: Myopia, the fence. I-- fence. I come to tell you, I make offer-- on the statue of Pax.
Tarsus: Ha! What makes you think that I-- have Pax?
Gabrielle/Myopia: This? You’d be surprised-- how _little_ it takes to loosen lips of corrupt wharfmaster.
Tarsus: Get the furnace going.
Gabrielle/Myopia: Furnace?
Tarsus: When strangers start knocking on my door with offers, I’d say things ere a bit too hot to have a stolen, sacred piece of art hanging around. These city-states have been known to send armies after the silliest artifacts. On the other hand--who’s to say where I got a few hundred pounds of raw gold?
Gabrielle/Myopia: I’m not-- sure I-- understand.
Tarsus: As soon as the furnace is hot enough, the statue of Pax will be melted down.
*Gabrielle needs some help thinking on her feet*
Gabrielle/Myopia: Wait. You can’t melt the statue down.
Tarsus: Why not?
Gabrielle/Myopia: Be-- because it gets gooey! I do not pay for goo.
*Xena’s big “Ezra” entrance*
Xena/Ezra: Ha-ha! Dahling!
Tarsus: Ezra-- nice to meet you.
Xena/Ezra: Charmed, I’m sure, but I’m here on business.
Tarsus: Well, you’re going to have some competition. This is Myopia. She’s also interested in the statue.
Xena/Ezra: Myopia, I’ve heard of you. They say you used to be good-lookin’. Huh.
*Xena has a sneakier way of stopping the meltdown of Pax, and she gets a dig in at Gabs along the way*
Gabrielle/Myopia: Tarsus was just about to have the statue melted down. Of course, I tell him-- the statue is much more valuable intact.
Xena/Ezra: Well, that would be because you’re a rank amateur.
*”Ezra’s” first stage exit*
Xena/Ezra: Fabulous. Oh, my manservant’s outside. Would you give him a hand with the baggage? Oh-- gorgeous.
*Xena also gets to insult Autolycus, while making an excuse for him to wander uninhibited around Tarsus’s castle*
Xena/Ezra: Here’s my guy, now. This is my assistant, uh--Bentley.
Gabrielle/Myopia: Bentley-- what an unfortunate name.
Autolycus/Bentley: Well-- Mother had, uh-- quite the sense a’ humor. Ow!
Xena/Ezra: Stay out of the way, Bentley. They’re about to melt down the statue. Go on.
Autolycus/Bentley: Ooops! *after knocking down torch*
Tarsus: Your man is an idiot.
Xena/Ezra: You’re telling me. Get inside, ya buffoon!
Autolycus: A thousand pardons. I, uh-- ooooh!
*the girls get truly competitive as they try to keep Tarsus outside his home with Autolycus is casing the joint*
Xena/Ezra: One hundred and forty thousand dinars.
Gabrielle/Myopia: One hundred-- sixty thousand.
Xena/Ezra: Two hundred thousand dinars.
Tarsus: Two hundred thousand dinars. Going once--
Gabrielle/Myopia: Two hundred-- fifty thousand.
Tarsus: Two hundred and _fifty_ thousand dinars. Going--
Xena/Ezra: Three hundred thousand.
Gabrielle/Myopia: Three hundred fifty.
Xena/Ezra: Four hundred thousand dinars-- and I’ll throw in the ring of Apollo.
Gabrielle/Myopia: Let her have it.
Tarsus: Sold.
*Autolycus sounds the wake up call*
Xena: Ya just _had_ to outbid me, didn’tcha?!
Gabrielle: You outbid me, first.
Xena: It’s a wonder you didn’t go even _higher_.
Gabrielle: Right! Like I can top the ring of Apollo?!
Autolycus: Are you two out of your minds?! What difference does it make who outbid who? We’re pretending, remember?
*promise of some extra tension*
Tarsus: Congratulations, Ezra. I am obligated to tell you that a well-known Silosian general is on his way here-- to make a bid.
Xena/Ezra: Really? Is he good-lookin’?
Tarsus: Look, if you have the money here by morning, I’m sure he can’t top your offer.
Xena/Ezra: Oh, it’ll be here. So, tell me more about this naughty general?
*Someone is on to Autolycus’s disguise…*
Theia: Excuse me. My name is Theia.
Autolycus/Bentley: Oh. Uh-huh-- Bentley.
Theia: Forgive me for, uh-- staring, but-- I just can’t help but notice your--
Autolycus/Bentley: Uh, smile?
Theia: To be honest? I was actually referring to your hump.
Autolycus: Oh, that-- uh-- hmm.
Theia: Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?
Autolycus: Well-- su-sure, go ahead, uh-- wh-what d’ya wanna know?
Theia: Would you mind if I touched it?
Autolycus/Bentley: “Oh, uh-- no, no. I would really rather—that you didn’t.
Theia: Well, why? D-does it hurt?
Autolycus/Bentley: Well, of course it hurts. Why do you think camels are so miserable? Hmm?
*Tarsus’s big reveal!*
Tarsus: Of course-- I haven’t always been a thief. Oh, no. For many years, I was a moderately-successful merchant--
Xena/Ezra: Uh-huh?
Tarsus: -- making a decent living. One day, I had a—a disagreement with a competitor. I had to-- eliminate him as a rival.
Xena/Ezra: Well, you would.
Tarsus: Unbeknownst to me, my competitor had a younger brother. Rather than face me like a man, he took his vengeance by stealing from me. Cleaned me out, but-- in so doing, he taught me a lesson. The world belongs to those who make it their own. A toast, then--
Guests: A toast.
Tarsus: -- to the man who has brought us all here tonight—to Autolycus-- the former king of thieves.
*Xena as Ezra switching tactics*
Xena/Ezra: Auto! Auto, Baby! Ya promised me this was gonna woik! You’re supposed to be the king of thieves! My father-- my father told me he was a loser, and a fraud—with his phony disguises and that silly mustache. But-- I will always love you. Oh! Oh, look! Ya gotta believe me! He put me up to this! Ya know how he is with that charm of his. He’s so shallow, yet so persuasive! I’m not really a bad pois’n! I just fell in love with the wrong man at the wrong-- !
Tarsus: Shut up! Take her, too! And gag her!
*Cue the villain monologue*
Tarsus: That’s twenty feet of the strongest chain wrapped around you, Autolycus-- fastened by two hundred-- of the best locks in the world.
Autolycus: Good-- I enjoy a challenge.
Tarsus: Uh-huh. Well, enjoy it while you can-- because I’ve just sent word to everyone who has a reward out on your head. I’ll deliver you to the highest bidder.
Autolycus: [Yawns]
Tarsus: Outwardly, you’re always calm, Autolycus. But I’m not fooled. Inside you, you burn with hatred toward me, don’t you? And it’s only gonna get worse. Just think. I killed your brother. I stole your mantle as ‘king of thieves’-- and soon, I’ll be delivering you to your executioners. It’s all so perfect.
*…just in case you have any doubt as to Tarsus’s character, here he is talking to a gagged “Ezra”*
Tarsus: You pathetic weaking! I plan to sell you to the Silosians. Don’t worry-- you won’t be with ‘em for long. They usually beat their slave girls to death in a matter of weeks.
*Xena still has time to facilitate a redemption arc, even as they are on thin ice with their “save Pax” plan*
Gabrielle: Could I ask you a question?
Xena: Shoot.
Gabrielle: What are we doing?!
Xena: We’re doing it his way.
Gabrielle: You call that _his_ way?
Xena: Don’t get technical on me. Now that we know it was Tarsus who killed his brother, it’s even more essential that we let Autolycus win his way.
Gabrielle: Why do you think he didn’t tell us who Tarsus was?
Xena: I’m hoping because it doesn’t make any difference.
Gabrielle: So, where is he?
Xena: Somewhere in this castle, someplace-- chained and manacled with 200 locks.
Gabrielle: 200 locks?
Xena: Yes.
Gabrielle: No.
Xena: It’s gonna take him at least an hour to get out of that lot. Come on-- let’s get on with it.
*interesting technique with the lock picking*
Autolycus: Come on. Come on, talk to me. I’m listenin’, but I’m not hearing. Come on. Just a little more. Heh-heh-heh—there we go. 64.
*Xena is such a mentor this ep*
Gabrielle: Don’t you think we should find Autolycus?
Xena: Are you kidding? He’d never forgive me if I robbed him of the joy of getting out of that by himself. As long as he’s back by sunrise, it’ll work.
*…but maybe she should have been a little bit more hands on!*
Gabrielle: Where is he?
Xena: I don’t know-- he wasn’t in the dungeon.
Gabrielle: That’s great. He got out. The Silosians will be here any moment.
Xena: I don’t think he’s gonna be joing us.
Gabrielle: What do you mean? His plan was to meet here.
Xena: He’s not concerned with his plan anymore.
Gabrielle: I don’t understand.
Xena: He’s going to kill Tarsus.
Gabrielle: But Autolycus doesn’t kill. He got revenge on Tarsus before by stealing from him.
Xena: Now he plans to finish the job.
Gabrielle: Xena-- Autolycus isn’t a killer-- not even to avenge his brother’s death.”
Xena: He’d be a good one. Think about it. With his skills of disguise and escape, he’d be one of the best.
Gabrielle: That’s if he crosses the line.
Xena: We’re not gonna let him. Come on.
*never too late for the big speech!*
Autolycus: Hello from Malechis.
Tarsus: Hah-- you plan to kill me, don’t you? Why, Autolycus, I didn’t know you had it in you.
Autolycus: That’s why I’m here.
Tarsus: Don’t you want to thank me, first? Think about it. You pride yourself on being the king of thieves, the best—at what you do. And who made you that way? Me-- for better or worse, I made you who you are.
Autolycus: Too bad this isn’t about me. It’s about a decent man you killed a long time ago.
Tarsus: Look, Autolycus, I can’t bring your brother back, but-- I can offer you money-- lots of money.
Autolycus: Money-- I do love money. How much?
Tarsus: Everything I own.
Autolycus: Not enough, but thanks for trying.
Xena: Don’t do it, Autolycus.
Autolycus: Stay out of this, Xena!
Xena: Don’t get me wrong. I agree with you. He killed your brother-- turned you into a thief-- and he was determined to see you dead. Most people would think you had every right to act as his judge. But, I’m asking you, ‘What would Malechis think?’ The man you told me about loved his brother. He gave everything to see that you became a good person. Tarsus may have created the thief, but it was Malechis who gave the thief his heart. Was it the heart of a murderer?
*ok, I’ll agree that this line in particular is baaaad*
Tarsus: You loved your brother so much. Say ‘Hi’ to him in the Underworld!
*the next one, delivered in the middle of a standard fight scene, is much, much better*
Xena: Come on-- come play with me, huh?
*Tarsus’s plan goes up in smoke! Or behind a painted statue base :P*
Tarsus: General-- your timing is perfect. Arrest these people! They’re trying to deprive you of your gold.
General: I’m afraid we have a different sense of humor in Silosia. So, where is it? The gold?!
Tarsus: Where is it? What are you, blind?! It hasn’t been melted down yet, but the statue is right there, against that--but, i-it was there-- I stole it!
Autolycus: You_ stole it? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-- now, how can that be? Obviously-- it’s not even here-- unless someone stole it from you-- someone like, uh-- oh, what’s his name, um? Autolycus, the-- king of thieves?
General: So, I’m negotiating with you?
Autolycus: No, sorry. I’ve made other arrangements.
*…and things are back to normal*
Adar: By Zeus and all the gods! Pax is back! Pax is back! Hey! Hey! Wake up, you guys! Pax is back! Come on! Pax is back! This is incredible! Pax is back! I can_not_ believe what I’m seeing! Look! Pax is back! Pax is back! This is absolutely fantastic!
Gabrielle: That’s what makes doing work like this worthwhile.
Autolycus: Yes, half-naked men screaming through the square-- I see your point.
Gabrielle: Autolycus? Tell me you don’t feel a little bit happy-- that you’ve given the people their statue back.
Autolycus: I’ll tell you what makes me feel a little bit better—is knowing that the crown of--
Gabrielle: -- the king of thieves-- ?
Autolycus: -- has been restored again. And if these people wanna feel happy, well-- that’s OK, too. Xena--
Xena: [Speaking in Ezra’s Voice] Autolycus, Baby?
Autolycus: I tried to thank you back there at the castle.
Xena: Mm-hmm?
Autolycus: But-- you are not an easy person to thank.
Xena: I don’t need any thanks.
Autolycus: I’m sure you don’t. And I don’t have gems, or money, or anything else of value to offer you-- except this. You are the second-best thief I’ve ever met. And if you ever need to get inside my body again, you just look me up.
Xena: Thanks.
Autolycus: Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: Yes?
Autolycus: You’ll miss me.
