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scifi_rewatchThis episode definitely feels a little lackluster in comparison to some recent ones. “The rift” is essentially over, and although the guest stars aren’t horrible, none, except for Ted Raimi, of course, live up to some recent ones. The hour pays homage to the 1973 heist movie, “The Sting,” where two con artists make a “play” to take the “mark’s” money. That sentence probably tells you all you need to know about my general interest in such a premise. :P All I can really think about is the George Clooney Oceans movies, which get stale after repeat viewings. But at least all the components to their caper ultimately made sense. :/
“Xena” brings some kookiness to the premise, but also a surprising tint of violence, too. The uber bad guys aren’t particularly well developed, but then there’s an alliance that our warrior princess makes with two lesser con men, which is slightly more intriguing. But I’m ambivalent over all. This episode doesn’t really do it for me.
And is it just me, or did the title of this episode just scream “Autolycus”? Though we’ve probably already done the episode of him in a thieving situation that is sorta similar to this, hee. Still, I think his presence would have made the heists more enjoyable. Definitely would have pRaferred seeing Xena interact with friends vs with relative nobodies. Alas.
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
We open with Joxer making a killing at ye olde casino. :P His winnings are so vast that the greedy owner, Titus, tries to encourage him to go for a double or nothing round, where presumably Joxer could really up his chances of losing his purse. But Joxer is off to meet the ladies, so Titus sends his goonish son, Leo, to antagonize him. But before our boy can lose his money in a fight, he loses it to a couple of con men who trick him with a trade for “fool’s gold.” Oh, sweet Joxer. They also somehow get his sword off of him, so that when Leo does ultimately catch up to Joxer the Mighty, things get pretty ugly. :/ Luckily Xena and Gabrielle arrive in time to save the day, but now they must make things right with all the bad dudes who played their friend. First, Xena elicits the help of the con men, Eldon and Rafe, to help with some heists against Titus and co. These two dudebros agree because they secretly make a bet about Rafe wooing the Warrior Princess. Gabby alternates between caring for Joxer and helping the others set up a scene where it appears that Xena is interested in will rob Titus of a precious ruby. When Leo leaves to hide the ruby, the gang, in costume, put on a silly farce and lift it off of him. Meanwhile Titus has figured out Xena’s true identity and her relationship to Joxer, so he sends his hapless son out again to capture our boy. Xena and co merely take sonny hostage in the attempt. :P But as our warrior princess and Rafe seem to be growing genuinely more attracted to each other, Eldon turns his cloak and tells Titus about the crew’s final heist! Rafe will help Xena cheat in a card game against Titus! When the crew arrives, Titus divests Xena of her cheating cards and Eldon kills his old friend. Now, of course, Titus wants to play Xena, but lo and behold she wins anyway and Rafe wasn’t even hurt. Eldon’s defection was part of the heist, too! :P A final martial arts battle ensues, with the good guys, of course, coming out victorious. Joxer is officially healed and Rafe perhaps is a better man—he leaves his money for charity.
I gotta say…this is a really weird episode for Joxer! It starts out relatively normally—well, other than the winning big at a casino thing; I guess Meg helped him out with that one. :P But getting taken so thoroughly by Rafe and Eldon? That at first, he doesn’t even get the hints that they’re laying about wanting to cash in their gold nugget, but then he stumbles right into their trap? We even get this one “wait a second…” moment where perhaps Joxer might catch on to the fact that he’s being swindled, but since it’s him, of course he’s just digging a bigger hole for himself. :P He even lost his sword! But then, after that…I mean, Ted’s the most prominent guest star but he’s barely in this episode. And those beating scenes looked painful. There was nothing slapstick or funny about that brutality. It was so bad that Xena and Gabrielle, who often threaten violence against him in their Stoogey episodes, immediately took him in as part of the family. They cared for him, and put avenging the wrongs done against him absolutely first. From there, Joxer was mostly conked out or mumbling about fighting—none of his usual humor. And Gabrielle was giving him this rather intense “get better/ we care about you” speech. Definitely not the sentiments she was feeling during “The Bitter Suite.” :P The writers are teasing us, I think, because we know that Joxer has an heretofore unrequited crush on the Bard. And I don’t think that’s changed here, but obviously she feels…something. Plus, Xena’s off doing her low level flirtation with Rafe, but this feels so much more real to me. We know Joxer, and so does Gabrielle. Anywho. Now I’m reminded that I miss Meg, and her silly relationship with Joxer the Mighty. Doesn’t help that Xena had some pretty clear Meg parallels this ep—she’s cheating at cards, for one thing, and even puts on this bawdy act to fool Leo. :P Always makes me think that this might have been one of the more fun episodes for Lucy to act in, but she wasn’t featured in the DVD commentaries.
I actually got a little annoyed at part of the DVD commentaries but that’s probably just me overacting. They brought on the cinematographer for this episode, who talked a bit about the female director, Janet Greek. Female directors are surprisingly rare in this show that is so blatantly about the ladies. :P This was Greek’s only time behind the helm, according to the wiki. Anywho, the cinematographer went off on a bit of a tangent, maybe feeling the need to justify this fact, or I don’t know. It basically devolved into a bunch of stereotypes about female directors—like that they are obviously home-based and would hate to be away from their families to shoot a tv show for five weeks, or that women don’t like working on projects that are action packed and lack character depth. That first one is actually kind of interesting, because it implies that at least most directors weren’t New Zealand based and would have to be flown in. Just makes me wonder how much of the behind the scenes crew was from the States. They do often tip their hats to U.S. casting people in the show credits. And perhaps the dude has a point that at least traditionally, women tend to be the primary caregivers, which could deter them from doing sustained projects far from home. I dunno, Hollywood, and the whole tv and movie making magic, aka location travel, is kinda strange to me. :P But I’m more annoyed with how he dismissed “Xena” pretty much as a shallow action show. Sure, there are a lot of action sequences and even a lot of camp, but…Xena and Gabrielle aren’t just patsies. Producer Liz Friedman came onto this commentary as well to talk about their character arcs. I’ll get to that a little later. For now, I’ll end on a positive note and say that the cinematographer had some praise for Greek as well. He admired her complex ideas for camera movements; she was responsible for the swooping, above shots of the casino. Made the place look really busy, with gambling and wrestling and etc. Somewhat unrelated, but I also liked the music that they used over this scene. :P
Back to the episode proper, there’s some stuff that I just don’t get about these heists. Starting with the one where Xena cheats at the dice game. She’s presumably not manipulating the throws herself (with her dexterity, why not,) because she confirms with Rafe what number is going to come up. How would he know? Don’t doctored dice always roll to the same number? Granted, I’m a huge ignoramus when it comes to gambling, so. :P This one switched halfway through, which is why Xena had to check with Rafe. I suppose this was our overt confirmation that she was cheating—or that she and Rafe were working well together. Then this also begs the question…was Xena really cheating at the card game with Titus after all? Did he get too cocky so that he threw his own game? Or is Xena so damn good at everything that she can even beat a master gambler on his turf? I have trepidations about Xena being awesome at everything. *eyeroll* The ruby purse bosom switcheroo was, of course, perfect. :P I’ll give our warrior princess that one. Ultimately I think I agree with the whoosh.org commentary about the overall failure of the heists. OK, even in the Oceans movies we knew that George Clooney and co would win, but their actions were always so complicated. Here the heists were relatively straightforward—even Eldon’s “betrayal” was pretty scripted. It’s been done before in all the other movies or shows. And note how he made sure to be front and center in the “fatal” altercation with Rafe. Anywho. Watching Xena play a greedy man at his own game was relatively meh. The interactions with Rafe definitely provided more tension. But I have beef with that, too. Aren’t flirtations of the week so first season? :P Patrick Fabian, who plays Rafe, has enough chemistry with Lucy, I guess, but it feels relatively workmanlike.
The real tension is in whether or not Rafe is on the level. Like when he goes to get a blanket for Joxer, is he genuinely empathetic or is he just trying to put on a show for Xena? Xena definitely thinks the latter where Gabrielle thinks the former, surprise surprise. :P Gabs trying to set Xena up with that guy is just a tiny bit squicky. I mean, you two were flirting at the beginning of the episode, girl! Don’t give up the subtext! Liz Friedman might say that this show is about a “friendship,” but yeah right. :P Also, it kinda feels like Gabrielle is encouraging basically what’s equivalent to a one night stand. I mean, there’s no indication that Rafe would be with them past the end of this episode. Girl’s just trying to make sure her gal pal gets a little nookie on the side. And Xena definitely seems to be falling for it in the scene where they prepare for the final heist. There was no one else around—save for the audience, I guess—to put a show on for. I don’t know, I guess that ultimately Rafe is just a slightly cocky con man. Gabrielle might have him pegged for Xena’s “type,” but her bad boys are usually a bit darker, more of the warlord variety. Meh. This slight flirtation is a little distracting. Xena’s character arc, according to Liz Friedman, is supposed to be about her redemption and her “friendship” with Gabrielle. I guess that doesn’t mean that she can’t have some side feelings for guest stars sometimes, heh. And maybe Rafe did change from his annoying dudebro self at the beginning of the hour to something more substantial at the end. Did he really double his Xena bet, or was Eldon just pulling Gabby’s leg? And at the end of the hour, he leaves some money for charity. That’s something. But speaking of being “on the level,” what was with Xena’s bloodthirsty attitude in this one? Was it all part of the hoax to paint herself as dangerous to Titus? But she was vowing revenge for Joxer from the moment she rescued him. Quite shocking emotion, especially in regards to someone who usually annoys her so much! :P What is it about this situation that might have her forgetting her calmer attitude? Perhaps it was the sheer brutality displayed, and how utterly helpless Joxer was in the face of it. Xena’s “protect the weak” protocol may have gone to overdrive.
Final bits and bobs—Cameron Rhodes, who plays Eldon, was Paris’s brother in “Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts”! The wiki also points out that this eppy title, “King Con,” is a play on words with “King Kong,” hee. Not sure what that franchise has to do with heists, but ok. The big behind the scenes drama perhaps had to do with Gabrielle’s sprained ankle! It was due to an accident while filming “One Against An Army.” Apparently, this episode was filmed shortly thereafter, but the producers decided to air “Forgiven” first. From what I remember, Gabs doesn’t have any problems in that one, but here Renee is often limping around. That staff makes a good crutch, heh. She was still able to move in the fight scenes, too—Renee really brought her A game! The writers had to add in some dialogue to explain the situation, which I call subtext “flirting,” teehee. Whoosh.org points out some cool stuff, including a chandelier in the casino that’s filled with candles. :P Here’s a gaff—Xena claimed to go looking for a blanket for Joxer when there was one right behind her, woops! Also, after the commercial break where Gabby is caught in Titus’s office, we come back and see her on the outside again. Uh oh. We get a little bit of a “Monty Python” homage with the “what are you gonna do—bleed on them?” line. Sheesh, Gabs, what happened to being nice to Joxer? Oh well, I guess that’s just the nature of their relationship. We know that Joxer still lurves Gabby anyway. :P
Disclaimer No Con Men were conned during the production of this motion picture.
Favorite Quotes:
*Joxer makes a killing at the casino…*
Joxer: One for the gipper! I did it again! All right, you sweet beauties-- come to Papa.
Titus: Name is Titus.
Joxer: Great-- great.
Titus: I own the place. You know, you’re really good. How about we-- really test your skill? Maybe-- double your money?
Joxer: That sounds great! Um-- unfortunately, I’m meeting some friends.
*…but then promptly loses his dough to a couple of goonish cons*
Eldon: I said scram!
Rafe: No-- wait! Maybe we could use a third opinion. See--me and him-- we found this gold nugget worth at least-- oh—50 dinars. The only problem is-- neither of us has the money to buy the other one out.
Eldon: And we don’t trust each other to cash it in—even going together, he tried to run off with it.
Rafe: Only after you attempted to swallow it. You see the problem?
Joxer: I’d have to be an idiot not to. Swallowing something like that can be very dangerous. Hmm.
Rafe: Yes, but the more immediate problem we have is finding someone who has enough money in order to cash out this nugget right here on the spot. Who walks around with that kind of change, huh? Huh.
Joxer: This is your lucky day. I just took the gaming house for a hundred dinars.
Rafe: No kiddin’?!
Joxer: Ah!
Rafe: Why, if you’re serious about helping us out-- here’s what we’ll do. I’ll borrow-- 50 dinars from you.
Joxer: Uh--
Rafe: But-- I’ll only keep 25. ‘K? I’ll use the other 25 to pay you back. And that way, we’re even. Then I give _you_ 25--you give me the nugget.
Eldon: Uh-- but that shorts me 25 dinars.
Joxer: Yeah.
Rafe: No-- ‘cause you’ll get paid the other 25 from the 25 that I gave you.
Joxer: Ohhh.
Rafe: Then-- I give you the nugget. You give me the 50 dinars that it’s worth -- and we’re all square-- right?
Eldon: Right!
Joxer: Wrong. We’re not square-- until you two clasp hands in the spirit of true fellowship.
Eldon: Appreciate you making this so easy.
Rafe: Yeah-- thanks, friend.
*injured ankles, mind reading…definitely subtext fliration :P*
Xena: No, you are _not_ getting off-- your ankle’s too swollen.
Gabrielle: I’m telling you Xena-- this sprain is not half as bad as the last one.
Xena: The less you’re on it, the faster it’ll heal. Besides, when we hook up with Joxer we’ll stop and make camp. It’s not like him to be late.
Gabrielle: What do to want to bet that he stopped to watch the paint dry-- or the grass grow-- and he completely forgot--
Xena: Huh.
Gabrielle: -- hmm? Believe me, I know Joxer almost as well as I know you.
Xena: And how well is that?
Gabrielle: Well enough to know what you’re thinking most of the time. Like right now, you’re thinking, ‘She thinks she knows me, huh? We’ll see about that.’
Xena: Easy guess.
Gabrielle: OK. Now you’re thinking, ‘Oh, wait-- I haven’t thought of anything yet.’ Right?
Xena: And what am I thinking, now?
Gabrielle: You wouldn’t dare-- not to an injured woman.
*Xena’s vengeance kick is activated*
Xena: If we can treat him and get him to someplace safe, he stands a chance-- which is more than I can say for the men who did this to him.
*though Rafe certainly starts flirting with Xena immediately, too*
Xena: I’ll take a piece of that action.
Rafe: Have we met?
Xena: Where’d you get that sword?
Rafe: Oh-- actually, they say I take after my father in that respect.
Xena: The sword on the table!
Rafe: Oh-- that sword-- found it.
*Rafe seems as concerned about his mojo as he is about Xena’s threats*
Eldon: You gonna kill him?
Xena: Maybe-- but not before I make him pay for what he did to Joxer. Come on, we got work to do-- unless you’d rather that I hand you over to the authorities. I hear that they cut out your tongue, brand your arm, and jail you for life. What do you think?
Rafe: May we confer?
Xena: Make it quick.
Rafe: What do you think?
Eldon: You kiddin’? I don’t know about you, but my tongue’s a vital part of my anatomy.
Rafe: No, no, no, no,-- I, I meant her. What do you make of her?
Eldon: Trust me, Rafe. No man can make her.
Rafe: Oh. I can.
Eldon: Thirty dinars says you can’t so much as get her to kiss you.
Xena: So, what’s your answer?
Rafe: You’re on.
*Leo is having self-esteem problems after Xena beat him*
Titus: What do you mean, the money’s gone? How could it be gone?!
Leo: He tried telling us he traded it for fools’ gold—but nobody’s that dumb!
Titus: Then, where is it?
Leo: I don’t know. Ahh! We were beating it out of him, when this wo-- when someone came along, we had to run or risk being recognized.
*Gabrielle’s words of kindness to an unconscious Joxer*
Gabrielle: There you go. Joxer-- I don’t know if you can hear me, but, um-- stay with us. I mean, Xena and I-- we ca- we care about you, and-- uh-- I mean, I know it’s-- kind of hard to tell sometimes-- you’re like family to us, s--don’t leave us, OK?
*Gabrielle invokes morality; Xena introduces the heist aspect*
Gabrielle: Wait a minute! Look at him. You took his sword; you left him defenseless. How can you just walk away?
Eldon: Easy. Watch.
Xena: I’ve got a plan to take Titus for all he’s worth. Help me, and I’ll cut you in for half.
Rafe: You asking?
Xena: I’m offering.
Rafe: We’re in.
*Xena’s not buying Rafe’s game, but of course she has some skill with gambling :P*
Rafe: Nice come-out. You’ve done this before.
Xena: It’s been a while.
Rafe: Well, that’s too bad-- a waste of talent.
Xena: I have many skills-- most of which I use against people like you.
Rafe: All right. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I get the feeling that you don’t like me much.
Xena: Not true-- I don’t like you at all.
Rafe: You’re some kind of friend-- teaming up with somebody that you hate-- just to set things square for your pal. Not everybody would do that. All right-- so what do you want from me? Table odds?
Xena: That’s right-- only don’t make it too obvious. I want to rattle Titus’s cage a little-- shake him up.
Rafe: Seeing what he did to your friend, I do not blame you. Look, Xena-- I’m sorry. Uh, you know-- for our part in this. I swear-- we would have never have fleeced your friend-- had we known how it was gonna to go down. Believe me.
Xena: Thanks. I’ll tell you what I believe. I believe that you bet your buddy that you could score with me-- and that this whole line of bull is just you trying to win a bet that you can only lose.
*Xena makes for an enthusiastic player in the casino*
Xena: Lucky nine! Mama needs a new pair of sandals.
Woman: Yay!
Dealer: Shooter stays lucky. No wonder they call luck a lady, eh, men?
Xena: When you’re hot, you’re hot.
*Xena introduces herself to Titus with threats…including violent ones*
Titus: You’ve got a heartbeat to tell me what you’re doing in here.
Gabrielle: Oh.
Xena: Relax. Down, boys. She’s taking measurements for my new office.
Titus: Your new-- ? Who in Tartarus are you?
Xena: The woman who’s going to own this place, and everything in it-- those paintings, that statue-- hmm. Oh-- even this pretty little trinket.
Titus: Just-- put that down! Look! That belonged to an empress! How-- ?! Guards?!
Xena: Think fast, Titus! *they fight, and Titus goes down* By the gods, it’d be so easy, just--
Gabrielle: Xena!
Xena: No-- no, killing’s too good for scum like you. I am gonna take you down piece by piece, till there is nothing left—not your club, your money, your pride-- not even your stinkin’ ruby. I’m gonna take it all, and I’m gonna love every minute of it!
Titus: Now, look-- I don’t know _what_ your angle is—but everybody’s got a price. What’s yours?
Xena: Everything-- and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.
*Xena makes sure that the audience is caught up on the plan, heh, while Gabs tries to set her up*
Gabrielle: So, how did I do? Was that crash loud enough, huh? How about my timing?
Xena: Perfect. Phase one and phase two are done. We’ve got some money and, more importantly, we got Titus’ attention.
Gabrielle: What’s next?
Xena: We gotta move fast. Rafe and I’ll get the disguises; you watch Joxer; while Eldon watches Titus. As soon as he moves to have Leo stash that ruby, and he will-- we run the first con.
Gabrielle: So, you and Rafe, huh? He’s not too bad, is he?
Xena: You mean, for someone who makes his money cheating others out of theirs? Yeah, he’s a prince.
Gabrielle: I didn’t say he was perfect. But you saw him with Joxer--and you have to admit, he’s smart-- and he’s funny. He’s handsome.
Xena: Arrogant and self-centered, and--
Gabrielle: Your typical bad boy-- just your type.
*Gabrielle is slightly less gentle to Joxer when he’s awake :P*
Joxer: No, I won’t let’cha. If anyone’s going after Titus, it’s gonna be me.
Gabrielle: Joxer-- if Leo or Titus saw you, they’d kill you.
Joxer: Not if I saw ‘em first.
Gabrielle: What are you gonna do, bleed on them? Now, make sense. Joxer! Lay still, or I’ll restrain you! Joxer-- swear to me that you’ll lay still and forget about Titus. We’ll take care of him. I promise.
*Titus now knows who Xena is, but he still falls into her trap about having Leo leave to hide his ruby*
Titus: You-- idiot. Why didn’t you tell me this before?
Leo: Oh, come on, Pop. I thought you’d get mad at me for, for running away from a woman-- even one like Xena.
Titus: You’re right. *Slaps him across his face* So, she’s a friend of this little pissant, is she?
Leo: Gotta be. I’ve looked everywhere for him. She must have him hidden.
Titus: Then keep looking. We find this Joxer, we’ve got a card to play against her. But first-- I want you to do something very important for me.
*Gabrielle smells a rat…*
Gabrielle: Joxer fell asleep. I thought you could use a break.
Eldon: Huh, not me-- but your friend’s headed for one.
Gabrielle: Xena? Headed for what?
Eldon: Heartbreak-- if she doesn’t watch out.
Gabrielle: We are talking about Xena, right?
Eldon: *Chuckles* Joke if you want-- but when a guy like Rafe doubles the bet we got on it, I’d say he’s feeling pretty confident.
Gabrielle: Doubles what bet? Did you and he-- ?
*the second and undoubtedly most amusing heist*
Gabrielle-as-wife: *gives Xena-as-blonde bag* It’s our life savings. Please, just take it and get a doctor. My husband’s hurt real bad.
Xena-as-blonde: I wouldn’t know where to look.
Leo: I would. I’ll get a doctor.
Xena-as-blonde: Then, at least have the good sense ta hide it! That thug could strike at any moment! Here, I’ll show you. Give me your valuables.
Leo: Why?
Xena-as-blonde: Because, if they’re all together, they’re easier to hide. *puts ruby into pouch* Come on! He’s dyin’ already!
Leo: All right.
Xena-as-blonde: Now watch. *sings as she fits bag into her cleavage, then takes it back out again* Na-na-na-na. Na-na. Na-na. Na-na-na-_na_-na-na. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. See how simple?
Leo: For you. But I don’t happen to own a pair of those.
Xena-as-blonde: Then lower your sights. *Leo takes the hint, and puts the bag in his crotch covering*
Gabrielle-as-wife: Hurry! Hurry!
Leo: All right.
Xena-as-blonde: Now, go! And don’t stop for anything or anybody!
Leo: Lady, you can count on it.
Xena: Oh, I do, Leo-- I really do. *removes bag with ruby, having given Leo a spare that was in her cleavage*
*Eldon does seem to genuinely be an asshole, and Rafe does seem to genuinely be changing his tune*
Rafe: Joxer’s missing.
Eldon: What?! Oh, great! Of all the stupid, idiotic, imbecilic-- that’s what we get, working with amateurs.
Xena: You got a problem with us? We’ll take it up later. Right now, we gotta find Joxer and get things back on track.
Rafe: Right. We’ll check the gaming clubs, in case Titus made a grab for him.
Eldon: Are you crazy? If Titus has him, he’s probably spilled his guts by now. I say we fold the con and blow.
Gabrielle: You would like that, wouldn’t you? Just make a mess and walk away. You know, you wanted to do that from the start.
Eldon: Hey! I didn’t make this mess. Your friend did. And you two are only making it worse.
Xena: All right-- that’s enough. *girls leave*
Eldon: I’ll say it is. We’re the best in the business. What’re we doing with these two?
Rafe: I’ll tell you. We’re gonna help them find Joxer. Then we’re gonna make the grab for Leo. And then the con is back into play. Do you understand?!
Eldon: You bet I do.
Xena: Let’s go. We’ll check the woods. We’ll meet you back at the tavern.
Rafe: Good luck.
Xena: You too.
Eldon: Man, you’d say anything to win that bet, wouldn’t you?
Rafe: Bet’s off, Eldon.
Eldon: Fine! You give me 60 dinars, it’s off. Otherwise, a bet’s a bet. You’ve never welched yet, so why start now?
Rafe: Hey-- I’m not the one who wants to cut and run. If we do that-- well-- even I can’t score long-distance.
Eldon: Maybe you can’t score at all. Maybe that’s why you’re so-- willing to bail on this bet.
Rafe: Who’s bailing? I just think we ought to focus on the con.
Eldon: Wait. Don’t tell me she’s turned the tables. That’s it, isn’t it?! You’re falling for the biggest con of all. You’re falling in love. I can’t believe it.
Rafe: Good-- ‘cause if you’re that big a fool, then I have to start looking for a new partner.
Eldon: Hey-- I know the one who’s being played for a sucker--and I sure won’t work with any mark who is.
*finding Joxer and taking Leo hostage is easy enough :P*
Leo: Let’s go, Mr. Lucky. Come on! Get up, you wimp! You’re my ticket out of the doghouse!
Xena: And I’m the ticket-taker. *fights Leo and wins* Smart money says you’re going down.
*genuine flirtation—or at least good advice scene?*
Rafe: Uh-- relax. This is not going to work if you’re tense.
Xena: I’m not tense. I’m just concerned about Joxer.
Rafe: He’ll be fine-- thanks to you. All right, now, turn around.
Xena: Why?
Rafe: Just do it. Zeus, I’m not gonna knife you in the back.
Xena: Not unless it improves the odds.
Rafe: What?
Xena: I said, we don’t have time for this.
Rafe: Look! Either you wanna take Titus down or not.
Xena: OK.
Rafe: Huh-- nooooooo-- you’re not tense.
Xena: Hey.
Rafe: Nah, uh-uh. Come on-- come on, come on, come on. Give it a chance. You know what your problem is?
Xena: No, but I’ll lay odds that you’re gonna tell me.
Rafe: You are taking this con way too personal.
Xena: Joxer’s a friend-- that makes it personal.
Rafe: Wrong-- that makes it important-- which is exactly why it’s better to stay detached.
Xena: Better or safer?
Rafe: Smarter. Getting involved always blows things.
Xena: For you, maybe. Caring keeps you focused.
Rafe: Too risky.
Xena: I’ve learned that it’s worth it.
Rafe: I’ve learned to play it safe.
Xena: Well, that is exactly your problem! I don’t play safe. *suggestive face and lip movement*
Waitress: Ooops! Excuse me. Sorry if I was—interrupting anything.
*Eldon is a turn cloak, and Xena’s cheating days with Rafe are over!*
Xena: Evening, Titus. Seems we’ve got a little something you might want back.
Titus: Sure do. That ruby’s priceless.
Gabrielle: She meant your son.
Titus: Oh, did she? And how much is Leo gonna cost me?
Xena: Plenty. Here’s the deal. You and me go head-to-head in a single game of cards. Winner takes all.
Titus: And if I refuse?
Xena: You lose Leo for good.
Titus: You don’t leave me much choice, do you? Goodbye, Son.
Leo: Pop!
Titus: You wanna use your sword, or-- do you wanna borrow my dagger?
Leo: Pop! What’re you doing?!
Titus: Calling her bluff. Do you actually think I’d risk letting you and-- your friend-- take everything I have?
Xena: Don’t think I won’t kill him.
Titus: Think it? Huh-- I know you won’t. Just like I know your whole con-- thanks to a little-- inside information.
Rafe: You.
Eldon: Sorry, partner, but-- I play to win.
Rafe: You-- double-crossing bastard! *Eldon stabs Rafe*
Xena: No! Rafe. Rafe-- I’m sor- -- I didn’t realize--
Rafe: Shh. Shh. What did I say about-- staying detached? *dies*
Xena: Gabrielle, help me get him outta here.
Titus: Wait-- where do you think you’re going?
Xena: To honor a friend.
Titus: What about our game?
Xena: There is no game. You turned me down.
Titus: But you still have my ruby, if not my son. I want it back.
Xena: Suffer.
Titus: So-- you wanted to play when Rafe was alive to help you cheat. But, now that he’s gone, you won’t play. That it?
Xena: It would’ve been a fair game.
Titus: That so? Play me now-- or shame your friend by walking away.
*Xena wins anyway!*
Dealer: OK, folks-- show ‘em if you’ve got ‘em. *about Titus’s hand* Full boat--warlords over heroes.
Woman’s Voice: There’s your winner.
Xena: Uh-uh-uh. Four aces.
Titus: No-- no, you can’t. You couldn’t! That--
Xena: Read ‘em-- and weep.
Titus: No!
Gabrielle: No! *Titus grabs her*
Titus: Anyone moves-- she cashes in for good.
Xena: Let her go-- you won’t get away.
Titus: Who’s gonna stop me? You?
Xena: No-- him. *enter reanimated Rafe!*
*Xena gets the best puns :P*
Xena: Leaving so soon? Don’t bet on it!
*in case the audience is confused about the final heist, Joxer is our proxy*
Joxer: Huh-- wait a minute. You died?
Rafe: No-- I pretended to die.
Eldon: Just like I pretended to switch sides and join Titus.
Joxer: And that’s because-- aah!
Gabrielle: Xena knew that Titus would bet everything he had—thinking he couldn’t lose once Rafe was dead.
Joxer: Ohh-- oh. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, OK, OK. You had a gold nugget--
*is Rafe now honorable? He claims to have lost his bet*
Eldon: Let her go. You did it! Talk about a brilliant play.
Rafe: Huh? What do you mean?
Eldon: Using Xena’s own con to win the bet! Stroke of genius! Huh-- you’re the king, Rafe. You are.
Rafe: But, I didn’t.
Eldon: Uh, what?
Rafe: Win the bet.
Eldon: Sure you did! I saw you kiss her.
Rafe: Exactly-- I kissed her. The bet was that she would kiss me-- which she didn’t.
*…and they never see each other again…cos this show is all about team subtext :D*
Rafe: So, are you setting out?
Xena: That’s right-- I just wanted to thank you for all your help. I know I didn’t give you much choice.
Rafe: Well, you’re welcome. So, maybe we will-- see each other again, some time?
Xena: Yeah, maybe.
Rafe: Well-- take care of yourself.
Xena: Yeah.
“Xena” brings some kookiness to the premise, but also a surprising tint of violence, too. The uber bad guys aren’t particularly well developed, but then there’s an alliance that our warrior princess makes with two lesser con men, which is slightly more intriguing. But I’m ambivalent over all. This episode doesn’t really do it for me.
And is it just me, or did the title of this episode just scream “Autolycus”? Though we’ve probably already done the episode of him in a thieving situation that is sorta similar to this, hee. Still, I think his presence would have made the heists more enjoyable. Definitely would have pRaferred seeing Xena interact with friends vs with relative nobodies. Alas.
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
We open with Joxer making a killing at ye olde casino. :P His winnings are so vast that the greedy owner, Titus, tries to encourage him to go for a double or nothing round, where presumably Joxer could really up his chances of losing his purse. But Joxer is off to meet the ladies, so Titus sends his goonish son, Leo, to antagonize him. But before our boy can lose his money in a fight, he loses it to a couple of con men who trick him with a trade for “fool’s gold.” Oh, sweet Joxer. They also somehow get his sword off of him, so that when Leo does ultimately catch up to Joxer the Mighty, things get pretty ugly. :/ Luckily Xena and Gabrielle arrive in time to save the day, but now they must make things right with all the bad dudes who played their friend. First, Xena elicits the help of the con men, Eldon and Rafe, to help with some heists against Titus and co. These two dudebros agree because they secretly make a bet about Rafe wooing the Warrior Princess. Gabby alternates between caring for Joxer and helping the others set up a scene where it appears that Xena is interested in will rob Titus of a precious ruby. When Leo leaves to hide the ruby, the gang, in costume, put on a silly farce and lift it off of him. Meanwhile Titus has figured out Xena’s true identity and her relationship to Joxer, so he sends his hapless son out again to capture our boy. Xena and co merely take sonny hostage in the attempt. :P But as our warrior princess and Rafe seem to be growing genuinely more attracted to each other, Eldon turns his cloak and tells Titus about the crew’s final heist! Rafe will help Xena cheat in a card game against Titus! When the crew arrives, Titus divests Xena of her cheating cards and Eldon kills his old friend. Now, of course, Titus wants to play Xena, but lo and behold she wins anyway and Rafe wasn’t even hurt. Eldon’s defection was part of the heist, too! :P A final martial arts battle ensues, with the good guys, of course, coming out victorious. Joxer is officially healed and Rafe perhaps is a better man—he leaves his money for charity.
I gotta say…this is a really weird episode for Joxer! It starts out relatively normally—well, other than the winning big at a casino thing; I guess Meg helped him out with that one. :P But getting taken so thoroughly by Rafe and Eldon? That at first, he doesn’t even get the hints that they’re laying about wanting to cash in their gold nugget, but then he stumbles right into their trap? We even get this one “wait a second…” moment where perhaps Joxer might catch on to the fact that he’s being swindled, but since it’s him, of course he’s just digging a bigger hole for himself. :P He even lost his sword! But then, after that…I mean, Ted’s the most prominent guest star but he’s barely in this episode. And those beating scenes looked painful. There was nothing slapstick or funny about that brutality. It was so bad that Xena and Gabrielle, who often threaten violence against him in their Stoogey episodes, immediately took him in as part of the family. They cared for him, and put avenging the wrongs done against him absolutely first. From there, Joxer was mostly conked out or mumbling about fighting—none of his usual humor. And Gabrielle was giving him this rather intense “get better/ we care about you” speech. Definitely not the sentiments she was feeling during “The Bitter Suite.” :P The writers are teasing us, I think, because we know that Joxer has an heretofore unrequited crush on the Bard. And I don’t think that’s changed here, but obviously she feels…something. Plus, Xena’s off doing her low level flirtation with Rafe, but this feels so much more real to me. We know Joxer, and so does Gabrielle. Anywho. Now I’m reminded that I miss Meg, and her silly relationship with Joxer the Mighty. Doesn’t help that Xena had some pretty clear Meg parallels this ep—she’s cheating at cards, for one thing, and even puts on this bawdy act to fool Leo. :P Always makes me think that this might have been one of the more fun episodes for Lucy to act in, but she wasn’t featured in the DVD commentaries.
I actually got a little annoyed at part of the DVD commentaries but that’s probably just me overacting. They brought on the cinematographer for this episode, who talked a bit about the female director, Janet Greek. Female directors are surprisingly rare in this show that is so blatantly about the ladies. :P This was Greek’s only time behind the helm, according to the wiki. Anywho, the cinematographer went off on a bit of a tangent, maybe feeling the need to justify this fact, or I don’t know. It basically devolved into a bunch of stereotypes about female directors—like that they are obviously home-based and would hate to be away from their families to shoot a tv show for five weeks, or that women don’t like working on projects that are action packed and lack character depth. That first one is actually kind of interesting, because it implies that at least most directors weren’t New Zealand based and would have to be flown in. Just makes me wonder how much of the behind the scenes crew was from the States. They do often tip their hats to U.S. casting people in the show credits. And perhaps the dude has a point that at least traditionally, women tend to be the primary caregivers, which could deter them from doing sustained projects far from home. I dunno, Hollywood, and the whole tv and movie making magic, aka location travel, is kinda strange to me. :P But I’m more annoyed with how he dismissed “Xena” pretty much as a shallow action show. Sure, there are a lot of action sequences and even a lot of camp, but…Xena and Gabrielle aren’t just patsies. Producer Liz Friedman came onto this commentary as well to talk about their character arcs. I’ll get to that a little later. For now, I’ll end on a positive note and say that the cinematographer had some praise for Greek as well. He admired her complex ideas for camera movements; she was responsible for the swooping, above shots of the casino. Made the place look really busy, with gambling and wrestling and etc. Somewhat unrelated, but I also liked the music that they used over this scene. :P
Back to the episode proper, there’s some stuff that I just don’t get about these heists. Starting with the one where Xena cheats at the dice game. She’s presumably not manipulating the throws herself (with her dexterity, why not,) because she confirms with Rafe what number is going to come up. How would he know? Don’t doctored dice always roll to the same number? Granted, I’m a huge ignoramus when it comes to gambling, so. :P This one switched halfway through, which is why Xena had to check with Rafe. I suppose this was our overt confirmation that she was cheating—or that she and Rafe were working well together. Then this also begs the question…was Xena really cheating at the card game with Titus after all? Did he get too cocky so that he threw his own game? Or is Xena so damn good at everything that she can even beat a master gambler on his turf? I have trepidations about Xena being awesome at everything. *eyeroll* The ruby purse bosom switcheroo was, of course, perfect. :P I’ll give our warrior princess that one. Ultimately I think I agree with the whoosh.org commentary about the overall failure of the heists. OK, even in the Oceans movies we knew that George Clooney and co would win, but their actions were always so complicated. Here the heists were relatively straightforward—even Eldon’s “betrayal” was pretty scripted. It’s been done before in all the other movies or shows. And note how he made sure to be front and center in the “fatal” altercation with Rafe. Anywho. Watching Xena play a greedy man at his own game was relatively meh. The interactions with Rafe definitely provided more tension. But I have beef with that, too. Aren’t flirtations of the week so first season? :P Patrick Fabian, who plays Rafe, has enough chemistry with Lucy, I guess, but it feels relatively workmanlike.
The real tension is in whether or not Rafe is on the level. Like when he goes to get a blanket for Joxer, is he genuinely empathetic or is he just trying to put on a show for Xena? Xena definitely thinks the latter where Gabrielle thinks the former, surprise surprise. :P Gabs trying to set Xena up with that guy is just a tiny bit squicky. I mean, you two were flirting at the beginning of the episode, girl! Don’t give up the subtext! Liz Friedman might say that this show is about a “friendship,” but yeah right. :P Also, it kinda feels like Gabrielle is encouraging basically what’s equivalent to a one night stand. I mean, there’s no indication that Rafe would be with them past the end of this episode. Girl’s just trying to make sure her gal pal gets a little nookie on the side. And Xena definitely seems to be falling for it in the scene where they prepare for the final heist. There was no one else around—save for the audience, I guess—to put a show on for. I don’t know, I guess that ultimately Rafe is just a slightly cocky con man. Gabrielle might have him pegged for Xena’s “type,” but her bad boys are usually a bit darker, more of the warlord variety. Meh. This slight flirtation is a little distracting. Xena’s character arc, according to Liz Friedman, is supposed to be about her redemption and her “friendship” with Gabrielle. I guess that doesn’t mean that she can’t have some side feelings for guest stars sometimes, heh. And maybe Rafe did change from his annoying dudebro self at the beginning of the hour to something more substantial at the end. Did he really double his Xena bet, or was Eldon just pulling Gabby’s leg? And at the end of the hour, he leaves some money for charity. That’s something. But speaking of being “on the level,” what was with Xena’s bloodthirsty attitude in this one? Was it all part of the hoax to paint herself as dangerous to Titus? But she was vowing revenge for Joxer from the moment she rescued him. Quite shocking emotion, especially in regards to someone who usually annoys her so much! :P What is it about this situation that might have her forgetting her calmer attitude? Perhaps it was the sheer brutality displayed, and how utterly helpless Joxer was in the face of it. Xena’s “protect the weak” protocol may have gone to overdrive.
Final bits and bobs—Cameron Rhodes, who plays Eldon, was Paris’s brother in “Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts”! The wiki also points out that this eppy title, “King Con,” is a play on words with “King Kong,” hee. Not sure what that franchise has to do with heists, but ok. The big behind the scenes drama perhaps had to do with Gabrielle’s sprained ankle! It was due to an accident while filming “One Against An Army.” Apparently, this episode was filmed shortly thereafter, but the producers decided to air “Forgiven” first. From what I remember, Gabs doesn’t have any problems in that one, but here Renee is often limping around. That staff makes a good crutch, heh. She was still able to move in the fight scenes, too—Renee really brought her A game! The writers had to add in some dialogue to explain the situation, which I call subtext “flirting,” teehee. Whoosh.org points out some cool stuff, including a chandelier in the casino that’s filled with candles. :P Here’s a gaff—Xena claimed to go looking for a blanket for Joxer when there was one right behind her, woops! Also, after the commercial break where Gabby is caught in Titus’s office, we come back and see her on the outside again. Uh oh. We get a little bit of a “Monty Python” homage with the “what are you gonna do—bleed on them?” line. Sheesh, Gabs, what happened to being nice to Joxer? Oh well, I guess that’s just the nature of their relationship. We know that Joxer still lurves Gabby anyway. :P
Disclaimer No Con Men were conned during the production of this motion picture.
Favorite Quotes:
*Joxer makes a killing at the casino…*
Joxer: One for the gipper! I did it again! All right, you sweet beauties-- come to Papa.
Titus: Name is Titus.
Joxer: Great-- great.
Titus: I own the place. You know, you’re really good. How about we-- really test your skill? Maybe-- double your money?
Joxer: That sounds great! Um-- unfortunately, I’m meeting some friends.
*…but then promptly loses his dough to a couple of goonish cons*
Eldon: I said scram!
Rafe: No-- wait! Maybe we could use a third opinion. See--me and him-- we found this gold nugget worth at least-- oh—50 dinars. The only problem is-- neither of us has the money to buy the other one out.
Eldon: And we don’t trust each other to cash it in—even going together, he tried to run off with it.
Rafe: Only after you attempted to swallow it. You see the problem?
Joxer: I’d have to be an idiot not to. Swallowing something like that can be very dangerous. Hmm.
Rafe: Yes, but the more immediate problem we have is finding someone who has enough money in order to cash out this nugget right here on the spot. Who walks around with that kind of change, huh? Huh.
Joxer: This is your lucky day. I just took the gaming house for a hundred dinars.
Rafe: No kiddin’?!
Joxer: Ah!
Rafe: Why, if you’re serious about helping us out-- here’s what we’ll do. I’ll borrow-- 50 dinars from you.
Joxer: Uh--
Rafe: But-- I’ll only keep 25. ‘K? I’ll use the other 25 to pay you back. And that way, we’re even. Then I give _you_ 25--you give me the nugget.
Eldon: Uh-- but that shorts me 25 dinars.
Joxer: Yeah.
Rafe: No-- ‘cause you’ll get paid the other 25 from the 25 that I gave you.
Joxer: Ohhh.
Rafe: Then-- I give you the nugget. You give me the 50 dinars that it’s worth -- and we’re all square-- right?
Eldon: Right!
Joxer: Wrong. We’re not square-- until you two clasp hands in the spirit of true fellowship.
Eldon: Appreciate you making this so easy.
Rafe: Yeah-- thanks, friend.
*injured ankles, mind reading…definitely subtext fliration :P*
Xena: No, you are _not_ getting off-- your ankle’s too swollen.
Gabrielle: I’m telling you Xena-- this sprain is not half as bad as the last one.
Xena: The less you’re on it, the faster it’ll heal. Besides, when we hook up with Joxer we’ll stop and make camp. It’s not like him to be late.
Gabrielle: What do to want to bet that he stopped to watch the paint dry-- or the grass grow-- and he completely forgot--
Xena: Huh.
Gabrielle: -- hmm? Believe me, I know Joxer almost as well as I know you.
Xena: And how well is that?
Gabrielle: Well enough to know what you’re thinking most of the time. Like right now, you’re thinking, ‘She thinks she knows me, huh? We’ll see about that.’
Xena: Easy guess.
Gabrielle: OK. Now you’re thinking, ‘Oh, wait-- I haven’t thought of anything yet.’ Right?
Xena: And what am I thinking, now?
Gabrielle: You wouldn’t dare-- not to an injured woman.
*Xena’s vengeance kick is activated*
Xena: If we can treat him and get him to someplace safe, he stands a chance-- which is more than I can say for the men who did this to him.
*though Rafe certainly starts flirting with Xena immediately, too*
Xena: I’ll take a piece of that action.
Rafe: Have we met?
Xena: Where’d you get that sword?
Rafe: Oh-- actually, they say I take after my father in that respect.
Xena: The sword on the table!
Rafe: Oh-- that sword-- found it.
*Rafe seems as concerned about his mojo as he is about Xena’s threats*
Eldon: You gonna kill him?
Xena: Maybe-- but not before I make him pay for what he did to Joxer. Come on, we got work to do-- unless you’d rather that I hand you over to the authorities. I hear that they cut out your tongue, brand your arm, and jail you for life. What do you think?
Rafe: May we confer?
Xena: Make it quick.
Rafe: What do you think?
Eldon: You kiddin’? I don’t know about you, but my tongue’s a vital part of my anatomy.
Rafe: No, no, no, no,-- I, I meant her. What do you make of her?
Eldon: Trust me, Rafe. No man can make her.
Rafe: Oh. I can.
Eldon: Thirty dinars says you can’t so much as get her to kiss you.
Xena: So, what’s your answer?
Rafe: You’re on.
*Leo is having self-esteem problems after Xena beat him*
Titus: What do you mean, the money’s gone? How could it be gone?!
Leo: He tried telling us he traded it for fools’ gold—but nobody’s that dumb!
Titus: Then, where is it?
Leo: I don’t know. Ahh! We were beating it out of him, when this wo-- when someone came along, we had to run or risk being recognized.
*Gabrielle’s words of kindness to an unconscious Joxer*
Gabrielle: There you go. Joxer-- I don’t know if you can hear me, but, um-- stay with us. I mean, Xena and I-- we ca- we care about you, and-- uh-- I mean, I know it’s-- kind of hard to tell sometimes-- you’re like family to us, s--don’t leave us, OK?
*Gabrielle invokes morality; Xena introduces the heist aspect*
Gabrielle: Wait a minute! Look at him. You took his sword; you left him defenseless. How can you just walk away?
Eldon: Easy. Watch.
Xena: I’ve got a plan to take Titus for all he’s worth. Help me, and I’ll cut you in for half.
Rafe: You asking?
Xena: I’m offering.
Rafe: We’re in.
*Xena’s not buying Rafe’s game, but of course she has some skill with gambling :P*
Rafe: Nice come-out. You’ve done this before.
Xena: It’s been a while.
Rafe: Well, that’s too bad-- a waste of talent.
Xena: I have many skills-- most of which I use against people like you.
Rafe: All right. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I get the feeling that you don’t like me much.
Xena: Not true-- I don’t like you at all.
Rafe: You’re some kind of friend-- teaming up with somebody that you hate-- just to set things square for your pal. Not everybody would do that. All right-- so what do you want from me? Table odds?
Xena: That’s right-- only don’t make it too obvious. I want to rattle Titus’s cage a little-- shake him up.
Rafe: Seeing what he did to your friend, I do not blame you. Look, Xena-- I’m sorry. Uh, you know-- for our part in this. I swear-- we would have never have fleeced your friend-- had we known how it was gonna to go down. Believe me.
Xena: Thanks. I’ll tell you what I believe. I believe that you bet your buddy that you could score with me-- and that this whole line of bull is just you trying to win a bet that you can only lose.
*Xena makes for an enthusiastic player in the casino*
Xena: Lucky nine! Mama needs a new pair of sandals.
Woman: Yay!
Dealer: Shooter stays lucky. No wonder they call luck a lady, eh, men?
Xena: When you’re hot, you’re hot.
*Xena introduces herself to Titus with threats…including violent ones*
Titus: You’ve got a heartbeat to tell me what you’re doing in here.
Gabrielle: Oh.
Xena: Relax. Down, boys. She’s taking measurements for my new office.
Titus: Your new-- ? Who in Tartarus are you?
Xena: The woman who’s going to own this place, and everything in it-- those paintings, that statue-- hmm. Oh-- even this pretty little trinket.
Titus: Just-- put that down! Look! That belonged to an empress! How-- ?! Guards?!
Xena: Think fast, Titus! *they fight, and Titus goes down* By the gods, it’d be so easy, just--
Gabrielle: Xena!
Xena: No-- no, killing’s too good for scum like you. I am gonna take you down piece by piece, till there is nothing left—not your club, your money, your pride-- not even your stinkin’ ruby. I’m gonna take it all, and I’m gonna love every minute of it!
Titus: Now, look-- I don’t know _what_ your angle is—but everybody’s got a price. What’s yours?
Xena: Everything-- and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.
*Xena makes sure that the audience is caught up on the plan, heh, while Gabs tries to set her up*
Gabrielle: So, how did I do? Was that crash loud enough, huh? How about my timing?
Xena: Perfect. Phase one and phase two are done. We’ve got some money and, more importantly, we got Titus’ attention.
Gabrielle: What’s next?
Xena: We gotta move fast. Rafe and I’ll get the disguises; you watch Joxer; while Eldon watches Titus. As soon as he moves to have Leo stash that ruby, and he will-- we run the first con.
Gabrielle: So, you and Rafe, huh? He’s not too bad, is he?
Xena: You mean, for someone who makes his money cheating others out of theirs? Yeah, he’s a prince.
Gabrielle: I didn’t say he was perfect. But you saw him with Joxer--and you have to admit, he’s smart-- and he’s funny. He’s handsome.
Xena: Arrogant and self-centered, and--
Gabrielle: Your typical bad boy-- just your type.
*Gabrielle is slightly less gentle to Joxer when he’s awake :P*
Joxer: No, I won’t let’cha. If anyone’s going after Titus, it’s gonna be me.
Gabrielle: Joxer-- if Leo or Titus saw you, they’d kill you.
Joxer: Not if I saw ‘em first.
Gabrielle: What are you gonna do, bleed on them? Now, make sense. Joxer! Lay still, or I’ll restrain you! Joxer-- swear to me that you’ll lay still and forget about Titus. We’ll take care of him. I promise.
*Titus now knows who Xena is, but he still falls into her trap about having Leo leave to hide his ruby*
Titus: You-- idiot. Why didn’t you tell me this before?
Leo: Oh, come on, Pop. I thought you’d get mad at me for, for running away from a woman-- even one like Xena.
Titus: You’re right. *Slaps him across his face* So, she’s a friend of this little pissant, is she?
Leo: Gotta be. I’ve looked everywhere for him. She must have him hidden.
Titus: Then keep looking. We find this Joxer, we’ve got a card to play against her. But first-- I want you to do something very important for me.
*Gabrielle smells a rat…*
Gabrielle: Joxer fell asleep. I thought you could use a break.
Eldon: Huh, not me-- but your friend’s headed for one.
Gabrielle: Xena? Headed for what?
Eldon: Heartbreak-- if she doesn’t watch out.
Gabrielle: We are talking about Xena, right?
Eldon: *Chuckles* Joke if you want-- but when a guy like Rafe doubles the bet we got on it, I’d say he’s feeling pretty confident.
Gabrielle: Doubles what bet? Did you and he-- ?
*the second and undoubtedly most amusing heist*
Gabrielle-as-wife: *gives Xena-as-blonde bag* It’s our life savings. Please, just take it and get a doctor. My husband’s hurt real bad.
Xena-as-blonde: I wouldn’t know where to look.
Leo: I would. I’ll get a doctor.
Xena-as-blonde: Then, at least have the good sense ta hide it! That thug could strike at any moment! Here, I’ll show you. Give me your valuables.
Leo: Why?
Xena-as-blonde: Because, if they’re all together, they’re easier to hide. *puts ruby into pouch* Come on! He’s dyin’ already!
Leo: All right.
Xena-as-blonde: Now watch. *sings as she fits bag into her cleavage, then takes it back out again* Na-na-na-na. Na-na. Na-na. Na-na-na-_na_-na-na. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. See how simple?
Leo: For you. But I don’t happen to own a pair of those.
Xena-as-blonde: Then lower your sights. *Leo takes the hint, and puts the bag in his crotch covering*
Gabrielle-as-wife: Hurry! Hurry!
Leo: All right.
Xena-as-blonde: Now, go! And don’t stop for anything or anybody!
Leo: Lady, you can count on it.
Xena: Oh, I do, Leo-- I really do. *removes bag with ruby, having given Leo a spare that was in her cleavage*
*Eldon does seem to genuinely be an asshole, and Rafe does seem to genuinely be changing his tune*
Rafe: Joxer’s missing.
Eldon: What?! Oh, great! Of all the stupid, idiotic, imbecilic-- that’s what we get, working with amateurs.
Xena: You got a problem with us? We’ll take it up later. Right now, we gotta find Joxer and get things back on track.
Rafe: Right. We’ll check the gaming clubs, in case Titus made a grab for him.
Eldon: Are you crazy? If Titus has him, he’s probably spilled his guts by now. I say we fold the con and blow.
Gabrielle: You would like that, wouldn’t you? Just make a mess and walk away. You know, you wanted to do that from the start.
Eldon: Hey! I didn’t make this mess. Your friend did. And you two are only making it worse.
Xena: All right-- that’s enough. *girls leave*
Eldon: I’ll say it is. We’re the best in the business. What’re we doing with these two?
Rafe: I’ll tell you. We’re gonna help them find Joxer. Then we’re gonna make the grab for Leo. And then the con is back into play. Do you understand?!
Eldon: You bet I do.
Xena: Let’s go. We’ll check the woods. We’ll meet you back at the tavern.
Rafe: Good luck.
Xena: You too.
Eldon: Man, you’d say anything to win that bet, wouldn’t you?
Rafe: Bet’s off, Eldon.
Eldon: Fine! You give me 60 dinars, it’s off. Otherwise, a bet’s a bet. You’ve never welched yet, so why start now?
Rafe: Hey-- I’m not the one who wants to cut and run. If we do that-- well-- even I can’t score long-distance.
Eldon: Maybe you can’t score at all. Maybe that’s why you’re so-- willing to bail on this bet.
Rafe: Who’s bailing? I just think we ought to focus on the con.
Eldon: Wait. Don’t tell me she’s turned the tables. That’s it, isn’t it?! You’re falling for the biggest con of all. You’re falling in love. I can’t believe it.
Rafe: Good-- ‘cause if you’re that big a fool, then I have to start looking for a new partner.
Eldon: Hey-- I know the one who’s being played for a sucker--and I sure won’t work with any mark who is.
*finding Joxer and taking Leo hostage is easy enough :P*
Leo: Let’s go, Mr. Lucky. Come on! Get up, you wimp! You’re my ticket out of the doghouse!
Xena: And I’m the ticket-taker. *fights Leo and wins* Smart money says you’re going down.
*genuine flirtation—or at least good advice scene?*
Rafe: Uh-- relax. This is not going to work if you’re tense.
Xena: I’m not tense. I’m just concerned about Joxer.
Rafe: He’ll be fine-- thanks to you. All right, now, turn around.
Xena: Why?
Rafe: Just do it. Zeus, I’m not gonna knife you in the back.
Xena: Not unless it improves the odds.
Rafe: What?
Xena: I said, we don’t have time for this.
Rafe: Look! Either you wanna take Titus down or not.
Xena: OK.
Rafe: Huh-- nooooooo-- you’re not tense.
Xena: Hey.
Rafe: Nah, uh-uh. Come on-- come on, come on, come on. Give it a chance. You know what your problem is?
Xena: No, but I’ll lay odds that you’re gonna tell me.
Rafe: You are taking this con way too personal.
Xena: Joxer’s a friend-- that makes it personal.
Rafe: Wrong-- that makes it important-- which is exactly why it’s better to stay detached.
Xena: Better or safer?
Rafe: Smarter. Getting involved always blows things.
Xena: For you, maybe. Caring keeps you focused.
Rafe: Too risky.
Xena: I’ve learned that it’s worth it.
Rafe: I’ve learned to play it safe.
Xena: Well, that is exactly your problem! I don’t play safe. *suggestive face and lip movement*
Waitress: Ooops! Excuse me. Sorry if I was—interrupting anything.
*Eldon is a turn cloak, and Xena’s cheating days with Rafe are over!*
Xena: Evening, Titus. Seems we’ve got a little something you might want back.
Titus: Sure do. That ruby’s priceless.
Gabrielle: She meant your son.
Titus: Oh, did she? And how much is Leo gonna cost me?
Xena: Plenty. Here’s the deal. You and me go head-to-head in a single game of cards. Winner takes all.
Titus: And if I refuse?
Xena: You lose Leo for good.
Titus: You don’t leave me much choice, do you? Goodbye, Son.
Leo: Pop!
Titus: You wanna use your sword, or-- do you wanna borrow my dagger?
Leo: Pop! What’re you doing?!
Titus: Calling her bluff. Do you actually think I’d risk letting you and-- your friend-- take everything I have?
Xena: Don’t think I won’t kill him.
Titus: Think it? Huh-- I know you won’t. Just like I know your whole con-- thanks to a little-- inside information.
Rafe: You.
Eldon: Sorry, partner, but-- I play to win.
Rafe: You-- double-crossing bastard! *Eldon stabs Rafe*
Xena: No! Rafe. Rafe-- I’m sor- -- I didn’t realize--
Rafe: Shh. Shh. What did I say about-- staying detached? *dies*
Xena: Gabrielle, help me get him outta here.
Titus: Wait-- where do you think you’re going?
Xena: To honor a friend.
Titus: What about our game?
Xena: There is no game. You turned me down.
Titus: But you still have my ruby, if not my son. I want it back.
Xena: Suffer.
Titus: So-- you wanted to play when Rafe was alive to help you cheat. But, now that he’s gone, you won’t play. That it?
Xena: It would’ve been a fair game.
Titus: That so? Play me now-- or shame your friend by walking away.
*Xena wins anyway!*
Dealer: OK, folks-- show ‘em if you’ve got ‘em. *about Titus’s hand* Full boat--warlords over heroes.
Woman’s Voice: There’s your winner.
Xena: Uh-uh-uh. Four aces.
Titus: No-- no, you can’t. You couldn’t! That--
Xena: Read ‘em-- and weep.
Titus: No!
Gabrielle: No! *Titus grabs her*
Titus: Anyone moves-- she cashes in for good.
Xena: Let her go-- you won’t get away.
Titus: Who’s gonna stop me? You?
Xena: No-- him. *enter reanimated Rafe!*
*Xena gets the best puns :P*
Xena: Leaving so soon? Don’t bet on it!
*in case the audience is confused about the final heist, Joxer is our proxy*
Joxer: Huh-- wait a minute. You died?
Rafe: No-- I pretended to die.
Eldon: Just like I pretended to switch sides and join Titus.
Joxer: And that’s because-- aah!
Gabrielle: Xena knew that Titus would bet everything he had—thinking he couldn’t lose once Rafe was dead.
Joxer: Ohh-- oh. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, OK, OK. You had a gold nugget--
*is Rafe now honorable? He claims to have lost his bet*
Eldon: Let her go. You did it! Talk about a brilliant play.
Rafe: Huh? What do you mean?
Eldon: Using Xena’s own con to win the bet! Stroke of genius! Huh-- you’re the king, Rafe. You are.
Rafe: But, I didn’t.
Eldon: Uh, what?
Rafe: Win the bet.
Eldon: Sure you did! I saw you kiss her.
Rafe: Exactly-- I kissed her. The bet was that she would kiss me-- which she didn’t.
*…and they never see each other again…cos this show is all about team subtext :D*
Rafe: So, are you setting out?
Xena: That’s right-- I just wanted to thank you for all your help. I know I didn’t give you much choice.
Rafe: Well, you’re welcome. So, maybe we will-- see each other again, some time?
Xena: Yeah, maybe.
Rafe: Well-- take care of yourself.
Xena: Yeah.
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