Farscape Episode 3.13: “Scratch ‘N Sniff”
Oct. 22nd, 2016 03:56 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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scifi_rewatchIt’s taken me awhile to get to this episode, and I think that part of the problem has to do with how much my opinion of it has abruptly changed. I can’t even claim credit for my change of heart; it was totally the wonderful ladies of the Scaper Chronicles. They pointed out the casual use of sexual assault, stuff that I just glazed over as a teen. And sheesh, it’s not like I didn’t have a brain back then; I totally remember being squicked out by John shoving Chiana against a wall and slut shaming her before a violent cold clock during “Crackers Don’t Matter.” He put on a similar act with her in this episode, but I think I was blocked by my shipper feels. /shame
I also think that this episode was violently disjointed. Now, it reminds me of the Jaime/Cersei sex scene in “Game of Thrones” season four, where varying parties had varying ideas about whether it was consensual or not, so it looked like a big mess on screen. This entire episode is basically the big mess on screen. Because apparently, according to the Scaper Chronicles, it was supposed to be more serious at first, but then someone high up didn’t like it, so they filmed the “epilogue” bit with John and Pilot, and gave the rest of the episode basically a “Hangover” feel. Which, to be fair, was funny (in a stupid way) on its own. But juxtapose those scenes in with the darker stuff, and…yeah, not so much.
Episode summary is here, courtesy of the John and Aeryn Fansite.
There is a plot here, but we are so often interrupted by Pilot basically eyerolling at the stupid dren while John explains what happened, that it barely seems like one sometimes. Pilot has banished John and D’argo from Moya for their incessant arguing; they find a “pleasure planet,” LoMo, where the people on theSydney beaches are dressed like neon children and the people in the club are dressed like Litigaran dominatrixes. :P Two feathered chicks drug and roll the boys so that bad guy Fe’Tor with his fringed, leather body suit can lure the girls away. The next day, after an embarrassing, half dressed and hung over moment in public, the boys are introduced to an alien named Raxil who knows the whole story. With the help of a puppet alien who literally has eyes all over the club, they discern that Fe’Tor drugged the girls and took them back to his house for some play time. The drug is called “freslin,” and it’s basically a pheromone date rape product that often makes people (or at least the ladies) susceptible to suggestion. With D’argo, we find out later, it more or less turns him into a PG-13 version of a hound dog, who dances stupidly and drools after women with cheesy pick up lines. But before all that, D’argo tries to go to Fe’Tor’s house to gather the girls; they aren’t having it. Raxil gives John all the backstory he needs, and hopes that when he and D save the girls, they try to save her lover as well. So we learn that Fe’Tor makes his freslin by draining a special gland out of his victims; soon Jool and Chiana are hooked up to the machine. John gains entry to a high stakes auction where Chi will be sold, and through a plan that of course goes slightly awry, saves the day. Raxil’s mate is dead, but apparently she was only really interested in some information he carried; she set this whole thing up—paying “the feathered chicks” to get the boys out of the way so that Fe’Tor could make a move on the girls, and then our dudes could save them. Manipulative little bugger. Back on Moya, Pilot remains unimpressed with this story and re-banishes a bickering John and D’argo.
The combative “bromance” is more or less the Farscapian version of “The Hangover” series, and I still find it chuckle worthy, for the most part. Stupid humor can be either entertaining or grating, and I think what makes it the latter is if the two characters and actors have great chemistry. That’s definitely the case for both John/D’argo and Ben/Anthony. They start off with D’argo’s grievance that John can treat the others “like animals,” which our human almost immediately proves true by calling D “Lassie.” :P Until the feathered chicks show up, they sit at their table and grumble while the girls have fun. Later, of course, there’s the scene where D’argo suggests that John “give [the onlookers] a show, sweetheart,” when he’s standing in a window in stockings. :P I even like how when D’argo suggests a threesome with the feathered chicks, John puts up his hand to indicate a fourth, lol. And that’s just the teaser; in the episode proper, they bicker about how many steps it is to the milking room, whose fault it is that they’re Moya banished, etc, etc, all to that ridiculous lounge music soundtrack and with all of those silly extras running around. :P Yeah, it works better on film than it does trying to explain it, heh.
The stuff happening with Fe’Tor and the girls really doesn’t work in any capacity. “Farscape” is capable of writing deeply thoughtful social commentary, but this episode is almost making light of such topics as drugs and rape culture. Even John and D’argo, who are unquestioningly “good guys,” act like asshats when it comes to the gender politics here. I rather resent that we have to show Chiana and Jool dancing from John’s perspective, eg the male gaze—they’re both established characters; why can’t their own dancing just be about them? It doesn’t even make sense logistically that John and D’argo can just meander around the club; aren’t they attached to the Hangi’s specific eye sockets? Yeah, yeah, scifi questions. :P From there, Fe’Tor uses the freslin as a date rape drug; our gals are still under the influence when D’argo tries to bust up the party with an unhelpfully alpha attitude. Later, Fe’Tor drugs them again and gets them to say that they’d do anything for him. From there, he drains their lives in a manner that can probably most aptly be compared to forced prostitution. I don’t think we’re supposed to be rooting for Fe’Tor when he says stuff like “squeeze her dry” or “it only hurts the first time,” but we’re not dwelling on the implications, either. I do think that, as a teen, when I saw the extra girl’s near lifeless body tied up to the machine, I got a little bit of a squicky feeling, but a second later, we were back to one of the goofier scenes in this disjointed episode. John surely gets what was going on, because when he arrives at the auction, he sounds like a Texas cattle farmer, referring to Chiana as “the carcass” or “the heifer.” But because it’s John saying his Crichtonisms, I’d let them go too easily in the past. Meanwhile, we have D’argo pitching a shit fit upstairs out of possessive jealousy over Chiana; I get that they need this to happen for the plot, and they set it up as the freslin’s effect on him, but with this rewatch, I was maxed out on men and their dren by that point. Ugh.
Not to completely dismiss D’argo and Chiana’s…lack of relationship. :P Which is obviously not true; they’re still in the middle of something, given their reactions to each other. I appreciate that the show hasn’t let this drop, just because they split up. Real life relationships don’t just end that easily, especially when you’re living in close quarters. D’argo obviously still feels possessive over her, and that’s not just the freslin talking; he’s clean when trying to drag her out of Fe’Tor’s house. And although his possessiveness is a character flaw, he obviously cares about her (and Jool), too. He can see that they’re drugged amongst strangers, and not in full control of themselves. Meanwhile, Chiana bears some responsibility for playing the tease, pulling on D’argo’s tenkas to get a rise out of him, etc, but she also stands up for herself by claiming that he can’t boss her around (you go, girl! :P) The ScapeCast pointed out that both of their worst qualities are on display here—but maybe their best, too. Meanwhile, in John land, we can only assume that he’s increasingly acting the part of an aggressive dick because he’s missing some Aeryn in his life. :P But as Nicola pointed out on the podcast, we can all rest easy that he doesn’t get too much action with the feathered chicks, because his “pulse pistol,” aka his mojo, is missing. :P Rest assured of his celibacy, shippers!
Speaking of relationships and tension, we get a bit of a meta moment this episode between Ben and Francesca. Yes, Francesca Buller is back, and in another crazy alien costume, playing Raxil. Apparently the “you’re not very smart, are you?” line was taken from a real argument on set. :P Maybe Ben is a method actor in channeling John, heh. Like Rona and M’Lee before her, Raxil is someone who comes off as innocent as first, but then we quickly realize that she has a more devious side. And I have to give my kudos to Francesca, because all three of these women are very different characters. Desperately hungry M’Lee was largely subject to forces beyond her control, and timidly greedy RoNa was coerced by external forces, but hyperactive Raxil calls all the shots from the very beginning. And I love the continuity, set up earlier in the season, that the Moya crew is beginning to get a bit of a reputation, so that folks like Raxil might start to take advantage of them. Our boys wisely don’t trust the pushy alien as far as they can throw her, but somehow Raxil always stayed in the driver’s seat. Though luckily, John has Harvey on his side! Granted, part of the reason he shows up is to fanboy D’argo in their weird, shared…tentacle dream space. :P But he’s also looking out for our human (and ergo his own survival) who, after all, is about to tango with Fe’Tor and his unsavory friends. Best way to get escape plan plot points out is to put them in Harvey’s mouth, hee.
There’s two other significant things to talk about in this episode—Chiana’s final scene, and the alternate ending. :o I’ll start with the Chiana scene, which features in the episode proper. She randomly asks John about his head, and removes his night goggles so that they won’t get broken, just seconds before Fe’Tor punches him in the face. “Farscape” likes it’s hints and foreshadowing…just saying! :P (Another thing about Chi’s scene—her forcing Fe’Tor to overdose is rather disquieting, but it shows how violence often boomerangs.) I also finally got to see the original ending, just recently in the DVD extras. Both John and D’argo are in front of Pilot and everyone is relatively somber; no bickering or anything. Pilot actually expresses sympathy for their ordeal on LoMo, rather than sardonic skepticism. Then they take a moment to talk about Talyn, and Moya’s decision on her next move…and outside in the corridor, Raxil is waiting! :0 I was shocked, I tell you! The boys “suggest” that she get off at the next port, and then they destroy the chip with her milking machine design on it. That, to me, is the most striking difference in tone between the two endings. In the aired episode, I always assumed that Raxil stayed on LoMo, free to sell her design to a new batch of sexual sadists. But in the unaired footage, our guys get a bit of a heroic moment. They smash the harmful blueprints and take away Raxil’s undeserved power. That almost makes me feel better about this whole thing. :P Well, and that Chiana was fire twirling apparently because Gigi fire twirled on her off time. Chi’s wig is new, too, because the old one was worn out; I thought there was a new, angular cut to it! :P Also, this is the first time that they switch out the general credits music with something from the specific episode. I gotta admit…though this “Farscape” installment has dropped significantly in my estimation, I still enjoy snapping my fingers to that lounge music, hee.
Favorite Crichtonism: What? W-What doesn't make sense? She nailed him with Love Potion #9.
Favorite Quotes:
*setting the tone for the “Hangover” gestalt of the episode*
Chiana: Oh yeah! They are going to write songs about the way you guys tore this place up!
D’argo: Great. Go away.
Chiana: I am away. I'm- on- vacation!
John: Pip - beat it.
Chiana: Has it occurred to you why Pilot banished you from Moya? Because you're both acting like a couple of immature dredgenots. Grow up! Or ignore each other - or kill each other. But just stop fighting all the time
Jool: *tipsily approaching* I'm out of currency.
John: Here. *gives her some coins*
Chiana: *to Jool* Playland for the rich too classy for ya?
Jool: *to Chiana* Effervescent spirits cost more than cheap raslak. But you - you just keep on hunting for that long range cargo hauler of your dreams. 'Cos he's bound to throw up in you lap one day.
Chiana: *to boys* When she passes out, I'll - I'll take her back to Moya. In the meantime -- I'm gonna have some fun! I suggest you guys do the same.
John: *after she leaves* See what you did?
D’argo: You did it.
John: You did.
D’argo: You.
John: You.
D’argo: You.
John: Did.
D’argo: You.
John: You - Yeah right. You did it.
*some mature flirtation!*
BlueGirl: Ah - are you boys - a couple?
John: No!
D’argo: No!
John: No! No!
D’argo: No!
GreenGirl: Can you handle some girls looking to party?
D’argo: I am a full-blooded Luxan. And ladies - I have so much cash in my pocket that I can assure you that the 3 of us*John holds up a fourth finger for himself* - will be out of here on our hands and knees come sunrise tomorrow morning. I've been arrested for saying exactly the same thing on 4 different planets.
*the boys wake up rolled, and in a…compromising position*
John: Unnnggghhh... what happened?
D’argo: What didn't happen?
John: Oh gawd - there were girls right? Feathered chicks - the - the Rainbow Coalition.
D’argo: Girls - breasts. Blue breasts, green breasts, I don't know! All I know is - they spiked our drinks and took our money.
John: They rolled us?
D’argo: Yeah they rolled us. You know, these -
John: *finding his holster empty* My pulse pistol!
D’argo: -shots that we took? They spiked 'em!
John: My pulse pistol! They-they took my damn pulse pistol!
D’argo: No one stole your pulse pistol! We're on LoMo. No weapons allowed. Your pulse pistol's on the transport pod.
John: I don't remember that. *starting to collect himself* Where are my boots?
Raxil: *watching happily from outside with a group of tittering people* Whoahhh!
John: D'Argo. We're in a window. There are people watching.
D’argo: Uh-huh. I think they've been there for about 7 arns. So why don't you just get dressed and give 'em a good show sweetheart?
John: I am dressed. *glances down at his legs, and notices boxers and stockings* AAAAAHHHHH!
*from the future, John tries to explain the story to a skeptical Pilot*
Pilot: I said TEN solar days away from Moya and I meant TEN!
John: Pilot gimme a break! I'm tryin' to tell you what happened!
Pilot: I understand Crichton. However - my inclination is not to accept any explanation.
John: Well I can't go back down there. I'm persona non grata on LoMo. LoMo non grata. Can't do it. Not gonna. Eh-uh.
Pilot: You return beat-up, inebriated and broke after only TWO!
John: Yeah. But - that's what I'm trying to explain to you! You said that if I could explain it, then I-I could stay onboard, right?
Pilot: *sighing* Proceed.
*kind of negating earlier points where D’argo claimed John treats the others as “animals,” and…wasn’t this Pilot’s idea?*
John: Have we heard from Jool or Pip yet?
D’argo: They haven't been answering their comms.
John: Right. Go find 'em Lassie. It was your idea to come down here in the first place.
*our introduction to Raxil*
D’argo: Did - you - steal our currency?
Raxil: Wot you talkin' about? I didn't steal anything! I came over 'ere to talk to you - y'know? But you looked so angry before when you were in the winda-
John: Not talkin' about the window!
Raxil: Oll right. Lemme give ya something 'ere - I saw it all - they're in trouble!
D’argo: Yeah - they're gonna be in a lot more trouble when I find 'em! The green and the blue chick-
Raxil: Not the blue and green chick! Nonono! I'm talkin' about yoouur females! I'm talkin' about the pretty gray one and the really annoying gold one.
D’argo: What about them?
Raxil: They're in trouble! I can show ya! I can show ya what happened last night! Lemme go.
John: D'Argo look - Chiana knows how to look after herself. We gotta find our money -- and I'm pretty sure - that this grommet is involved.
Raxil: Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait - I've got something for ya - I've got us a recoooording of all that happened last night -- I mean - ya don't believe it - ya can see it for yourselves, y'know?
John: It's talking crap! We got rolled and I don't think we need a-
Raxil: You're broke! Ya can't get robbed again! I mean - whaddaya think? Ya think I want yer shoes?
John: *I* don't know - what you want.
Raxil: You're not very smart are ya? Now he -- he's got a brain. But you - you're a bit of an idiot huh?
John: Yeah?
Raxil: Yeah.
John: But, I'm bigger. *pushes her down*
Raxil: Oo! Owow! All right! Sorrysorry! Alright. Alright. Ha-have ya spoken to yer females yet? I'll bet ya haven't spoken to 'em yet. Have ya?
D’argo: No, we haven't spoken to them because they might be sleeping, they could be-
Raxil: How do I know ya haven't spoken to 'em yet? Huh? You don't know that do ya? No! Well my point is-
D’argo: WILL YOU JUST TELL US?
Raxil: Tah-dah! *whips out familiar comm.*
D’argo: That's Jool’s comm.
John: How do you know?
D’argo: It's melted around the edges from when she screams.
*the Hangi gives us a hint about Raxil’s true nature*
Kabaah: Go away! I don't need your trouble.
Raxil: Trouble? Me? Nonono - you must have me confused with someone else.
Kabaah: I'm not confused. I've seen you snooping around - seeing you when you didn't want me to.
*when attempting to pay Kabaah to see Chiana and Jool footage from last night*
John: We are being scammed. Ren and Stimpy here are teamin' up to rip us off. Let's get outta here.
Kabaah: This phanix? I would never team up with her.
Raxil: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just to prove to you - I'll pay! *slaps some familiar-looking coins on the table* There!
John: Where did you get that currency?
Raxil: Why? Whatsamatter?
John: All of our brandar tiles were stolen last night.
Raxil: So? Didja have yer name on 'em? No! No! They aren't yours - they're mine! They're mine! You two have really gotta work on your attitude ya know that?
*the boys and Raxil witness Chiana’s first meeting with Fe’Tor*
Chiana: *to bartender* I just won a bet! Raslak. Make it a large.
Fe’Tor: You smell so exotic. I like watching you dance. I like watching you and your friend. But especially - you.
Chiana: Ooh!
John: Oh big deal. She's being hit on by some guy. Knowing Chi, he's probably in more trouble than she is.
Raxil: Wait! There's more!
Fe’Tor: I have something for you. *puts the freslin underneath her nose; Chiana goes from mildly flirtatious to inebriated and pliant*
Chiana: You - I like the look of you.
D’argo: Who is this bastard?
Raxil: That's Fe'Tor.
John: *Kabaah abruptly ejects them* OW-WOW! WHOA! WHOA! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
Kabaah: You didn't pay me enough to cross Fe'Tor.
D’argo: Who is Fe'Tor?
Raxil: 'E was what I was tryin' t' show ya! Fe'Tor's the most famous kaznick around 'ere. He rounds up all the good-looking ones an' they all just party - night and day! Night and day!
D’argo: What? Does he - do then?
Raxil: He hurts 'em! He gives 'em the whiff! Well you saw! And then they do anything!
*inter-dispersed with D’argo and John arguing about what to do with their new info, Fe’Tor and his sister talk about killing an unconscious girl they have rigged up to their machine*
Theiadh: Her freslin is still - adequate.
Fe’Tor: I'm not interested in -adequate.
Theiadh: We can't have another auction yet. It's too soon. Too dangerous.
Fe’Tor: I think our female upstairs may be exceptional. For her - we can risk it. *walking away casually after a John/D’argo scene* Squeeze her dry.
*D’argo attempts to remove the girls from Fe’Tor’s house before his guards turn guns on him*
D’argo: *responding to her screams* JOOL! JOOL! Are you all right?
Jool: AA-ah! Oh D'Argo! *she’s stoned and happy in a bath* Oh - come in with me. Come on.
D’argo: Where - is - Chiana?
Jool: Over there.
D’argo: *leans over Chiana, who is stoned, rolling and giggling on the floor* Um... Ah.. Ah - We thought that perhaps you might be in some trouble.
Chiana: I'm not in any trouble. At least none I don't want to be in.
D’argo: *speaking quietly, because Fe’Tor is sitting near them* I uh... We saw him - give you something. Some stuff.
Chiana: *more alert and adversarial* Oh. Were you spying on me?
D’argo: No. No.
Chiana: D'Argo, I came here to have a good time. Does that make you jealous?
D’argo: No I'm not jealous. It's just that, ah-
Chiana: 'Cos you and me, we-we're not together anymore. Are we?
D’argo: I know we're not together anymore but-
Chiana: Oh. Well then - let go of me.
D’argo: *drops his nice guys tactics and hauls her up* All right. You and Jool are coming with me.
Chiana: Lemme go!
Fe’Tor: Chiana? Everything all right?
D’argo: She's fine.
Fe’Tor: Why don't you let go of her then?
D’argo: Why don't you mind your own business, you miserable little tralk? *guards point weapons at him*
Fe’Tor: Please! Please! Calm yourself. I don't like to show force. But you are in my residence and you are attacking my people. Now - get out.
D’argo: Chiana...
Chiana: *upset by this turn of events* D'Argo get out! GO!
Jool: Oh we're fine D'Argo! Really - we're just- *responding to ministrations of someone sitting behind her in the bath* Oh...
*having a conversation at the bar while a stoned D’argo boogies on the dance floor*
Raxil: See? See why I made us get off the beach? 'E would've been chasing everything that moves.
John: And it's all because of this stuff you gave him?
Raxil: Freslin's an attractant. You could be attractive to someone else, or they could be attracted to you. It could be strong, weak -Anything! Depends on where it's manufactured.
John: Is this the same stuff that guy sprayed on Chiana last night?
Raxil: Yeah. Grade-A freslin! Made in 'is own lab. Fe'Tor's got the most sensitive nose in the business!
*Chiana and Fe’Tor’s conversation on the subject is a little more ominous*
Fe’Tor: Did you like the freslin I gave you last night?
Chiana: Is this more of it?
Fe’Tor: Mm-hm. Different batch - Different quality. Want a taste? *gives her a sniff as she squirms, dazed, on his lap* Hm?
Chiana: Bring it on. *getting more wasted and less lucid* It's different.
Fe’Tor: More bitter?
Chiana: Yeah!
Fe’Tor: An animal’s last batch always is.
Chiana: This is - this is from an animal?
Jool: *wakes up abruptly on the floor beneath them* What am I missing?
Fe’Tor: Nothing. Here. *reaches around Chiana to give Jool another sniff of freslin* Wonderful isn't it?
Jool: *more wasted, she rubs up against the two of them* Aah... Ohhh... Yeah.
Fe’Tor: *to both women on his lap* Now - will you do anything for me?
Jool: *inebriated* I'll do anything for you.
*Raxil gets to the meat of how freslin is made*
Raxil: I think Fe'Tor wants your females for more than just - y'know.
John: What - does he want them for?
Raxil: Well the base element of freslin is found in the senil gland of sentient beings.
John: Oh you mean, like in - people?
Raxil: Yeah. Fe'Tor's got a machine that milks this gland. An-and when there's a lot of demand, well - sometimes he'll milk them until -they die.
*John tries to squeeze some info about Fe’Tor out of his right hand man*
John: How ya doin'? Man, were you here last night? Was that wild or what?
Mitols: I drink alone.
John: Yeah, I'm not really ah - interested in drinking either. Um - I'm lookin' for some ah - *quietly* - freslin -- and I heard that you were the guy to see.
Mitols: Go away.
John: Okay. L-lemme give you somethin'. Look. I am - loaded - with currency. An' I'm lookin' for somethin' a little special and this is the only crap *producing the atomizer that Raxil used on D’argo* - that I've been able to find. And ah - Kabaah - told me that you were the guy to see to get some really serious dren.
Mitols: Kabaah sent you? Why didn't you say so?
John: I just did.
Mitols: Apex of the moon tonight. Fe’Tor’s chamber. Know where it is?
John: I'll find it.
Mitols: We're auctioning some incredible dren. *gives John a token* This'll get you in.
*Fe’Tor slowly traps a confused and inebriated Jool in his milking machine*
Fe’Tor: You like the freslin?
Jool: Oh - I ah... Ah...
Fe’Tor: Shh - trust me! *grabs and muffles her screams* It only hurts the first time.
*aggressive John is back to deal with Kabaah*
John: Hey! Hammerhead! How ya doin'? I'm back for some home video!
Kabaah: Get out! Get out!
John: I don't think so. *grabs him by the neck* I need to see into Fe’Tor’s compound.
Kabaah: No! I won't help you against him!
John: Yes you will or I'm gonna snap your head off! Now I'm gonna see the compound layout. You're gonna show it to me. I don't care if it's empty, but you're gonna show it to me now!
*Harvey shows up to give John advice, but also to fanboy D’argo*
Harvey: Ka D'Argo! *D’argo hisses in surprise at seeing “Scorpius”*
John: No! I-It's okay. That's um... That's Harvey - it's not Scorpy. He's a puka. He's... He's not real.
Harvey: But thanks to our unique shared consciousness in this situation - we finally get to meet! Ka D'Argo! Give me 5! *holds out hand to bewildered D’argo*
John: Go away.
D’argo: I've had some weird conversations in my head before, but this - is a little...
John: Yeah I know. Hey look - Harvey just shows up every now and then to give me bad advice.
Harvey: And my suggestion to you both -- is to forget this folly! But - since I know you won't. Circuit breakers - *points out features in the room* - to the entire subterranean level. Darkness - ah - may be of assistance to you.
D’argo: *to John* You know what? I think that's not a bad idea.
Harvey: And the milking room you seek? Aah! Down the hallway.
*John and D’argo will find any reason to argue :P*
John: We - better count the steps into here. One - *boys walk and count, side by side* 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 -
D’argo: - 8.
John: - 8 - 9 - 10. *arrive at milking room* 10 steps.
D’argo: Ah - 8 steps.
John: 10!
D’argo: 8! Small legs, human!
*Chiana, coming off of her hangover, tries to find Jool*
Chiana: Jool? JOOL! *roams in hallway, close to milking room* Jool?
Fe’Tor: Something wrong?
Chiana: *startled* No! N-no. No. I-I was ah - I was just trying to find Jool. We should really be going.
Fe’Tor: *getting handsy* You really are quite beautiful.
Chiana: Ye-ah. *apprehensive* Where's Jool?
Fe’Tor: Don't be scared. Everything's all right.
*Raxil inadvertently outs that she planned this whole thing*
D’argo: No I will NOT go to Fe’Tor’s auction. He knows what I look like-
Raxil: I'll get you in.
D’argo: -so I won't get in. And you're not spraying me with that stuff! I'm not spending-
Raxil: This freslin will be different!
D’argo: -the rest of my life on the dance floor doing some- *reacts to her working on something to spray him with* NO! YOU ARE NOT-
Raxil: SHUTUP! JUST SHUTUP! I DID NOT DO EVERYTHING, PLAN EVERYTHING, SO YOU COULD BACK OUT NOW!
D’argo: Did you say “plan”?
Raxil: Nonono! I didn't mean plan - I make a plan - like - like - like plan something y'know-
D’argo: Did you say that you PLANNED THIS?
Raxil: Nononono! I didn't mean that! Nono-
John: *entering scene* I got everything from the transport pod. 2 pulse pistols, a pair of night-vision goggles, 200,000 in tiles so we can buy any - freslin we want… *notes tension* Ah - what did I miss?
Raxil: 2 guns? You brought just 2 guns?
D’argo: This little rodent - has been lying to us. She said that she planned all this.
Raxil: 2 guns? I mean - I thought you were the Great Crichton & D'Argo! I mean - you blew up a shadow depository! I mean - I thought you'd bring pelshfer charges! And a plasma bomb! And a really big gunship! BUT NO! YOU BRING NOTHING! YOU BRING 2 LITTLE WEAPONS THAT WOULDN'T KILL A NEGNIK!
D’argo: = You - have heard of us?
Raxil: Yeah - I've heard stories. But obviously they aren't worth a bucket of dren!
*Fe’Tor forces Chiana into his milking chair*
Chiana: What the frell have you done to her? *rushes over to unconscious Jool* Get her out of that thing you fekik!
Fe’Tor: Chiana -- she's not in any pain. Don't worry. Eh? Here. *tries to get her high on Jool’s freslin, but she pushes it away*
Chiana: Enough with the dren!
Fe’Tor: *getting mean now that she’s rebuffed him* You really shouldn't waste - the taste. *grabs her by the neck* Now I'll let your friend rest - but I need to replace her with a new animal.
*Raxil explains what she did*
Raxil: Now I knew Fe'Tor wouldn't bother your females while you were in the bar. So I paid the blue and green girls to get you out of the way.
John: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wait - You let -Fe'Tor - kidnap - Chiana and Jool?
Raxil: No I didn't help him. I just - created a situation where everyone-
John: Is there anything else you're not telling us?
Raxil: Nothing. Nothing. I promise!
*Fe’Tor and his sister prep Chiana for auction*
Fe’Tor: *sniffing her freslin* Aaah! I was right! You're exceptional! Would you like a taste? *proffers vial, but Chiana, still chained to the milking machine, ignores her. Speaks to sister* Drain as much as you can.
Theiadh: Without damaging her value of course.
*responding to D’argo’s changed appearance*
John: WHO THE - HELL?
Raxil: Oh - you know - the freslin I sprayed him with radiates 'is pheromones outwards and creates an aura morph. So we oll see D'Argo like this. I made him very attractive don't ya think?
*John puts on a Texas wrangler act to get by Fe’Tor*
Fe’Tor: I am your host. But names are not important - only currency.
John: Well son, Ah'm yer buyer! And ah - money ain't important t'me! Only quality. Know what Ah mean?
Fe’Tor: You've come to the right auction then. May I suggest - the Nebari. Finest I've ever tasted.
John: Raht.
Fe’Tor: *mildly surprised to see Raxil trying to skirt by him* Raxil! Alive still! I thought you'd given the freslin trade away after your disaster on Elepuria.
Raxil: Well yeah - I did lemme tell ya. But uh - things change.
Fe’Tor: Enjoy! Bid high. *eyes fall on changed D’argo* Excuse me. Do I know you?
D’argo: I ah - I doubt it. I've become a - A new man recently.
*Raxil’s character references just keep getting worse and worse, and there’s a down side to D’argo’s disguise…*
John: *accusing* You traded freslin?
Raxil: Waitwaitwaitwait! Years ago! Never killed anybody! None of it!
D’argo: None of it, my ass!
Raxil: Nonononono! My point is - you must calm down! Increased oxygenation hastens the metabolism of the freslin!
John: It's gonna wear off?
Raxil: Not for a while - not if he stays calm! Calm. Anger - bad.
*John takes an opportunity to check on Chiana while “bidding.”*
John: If you don't mahnd Ah'd like t' take a closer look at the carcassss...
Fe’Tor: Be my guest.
John: *approaches Chiana, chained to a post, and speaks quietly as he gets handsy* Hey Pip - can you hear me?
Chiana: *not fully conscious, but recognizing John* What took you so long?
…
John: *to Fe’Tor* You mahnd cuttin' this heifer down so Ah kin take a closer look? *quietly to Chiana, as he gets even more handsy when she’s released into his arms* Where's Jool?
Chiana: Milking room.
*D’argo is having a tough time with the show John is putting on with Chiana*
Raxil: Waitwaitwaitwait - is she yours?
D’argo: Used to be.
Raxil: Look - you've got freslin boiling your brain! Everything you feel's way out o' whack! What's goin' on down there - that's an act! E's just pretending to be a buyer!
*after all hell breaks loose—D’argo’s been spotted; the lights are off, and he and Raxil are trying to make their way to the milking room*
Raxil: No no - that's not right.
D’argo: It's 8!
Raxil: No no - he said 10.
D’argo: Shut up! I know what I'm talking about! It's 8! You're making me lose my place! 8! 8! Shut up!
Raxil: You're wrong! *D’argo thuds into a wall*
D’argo: *grudgingly* Okay - 10.
*Jool’s alive but Raxil’s mate is dead…sadly?*
D’argo: Jool - are you okay? *her eyelids flutter, but the guy near her is out cold* Who's that?
Raxil: That's my mate. He's dead.
Jool: *feebly* D'Argo! Save me!
D’argo: *exits with Jool in his arms; meets John and Chiana coming towards him* Crichton!
John: D'Argo! Where's Raxil?
D’argo: In there- the mate is dead.
John: Right. Meet you in the transport pod. *John pulls Chiana into the milking room* Raxil!
Raxil: *gleefully holds up data chip* THIS - is my honey! The brains of the machine! My design! HUAW! He stole it! Sold it! Fe'Tor didn't even know it was mine! Ooh-HUAW-HUAW-HUAW! Worth and fortune an' all! Hoo-hoo-HUAW-HUAW-HUAW!
*foreshadowing Chiana moment and Fe’Tor’s demise…*
Chiana: How's your neck?
John: It's fine. I don't mind stickin' it out for ya.
Chiana: *takes his night vision goggles off* You don't want these broken.
John: You okay?
Chiana: Yeah. *goes for exit*
John: Good. *responding to her prediction, seconds before Fe’Tor hits him in the face* Weird.
Fe’Tor: *has John in a death grip, about to pull the trigger* You ruined everything. Skreetuk!
Chiana: *from behind* mMMmMM! You smell - exotic! *dumps entire beaker of freslin on him; he goes down. Chiana squats and forces more down his gullet* Smell this! *as he dies, Chiana turns back to John* Neck still okay?
John: *a little bemused* Yeah.
Chiana: I knew it. Sad thing is - he's gonna die happy.
*…and we end with “The Hangover” refrain in Pilot’s den*
John: And that is what it was all about. Raxil - she was gettin' her chip back and she used us. She USED us man! So it is not - our – fault.
Pilot: I don't believe you.
John: Why not?
Pilot: Too many inconsistencies. Too much -obfuscation.
John: Ob-fuscation? How the hell does that translate? Fine! You know - look - you don't wanna believe me? Go ask the girls!
Pilot: Chiana and Jool are still sleeping off whatever it was they did and I'm not inclined to wake them.
John: Pilot, I don't think you've understood me. Lemme just start again-
Pilot: CRICHTON! NO! I have located another planet nearby - industrial. Comms traffic indicates they have accommodations for visitors. You and D'Argo are to be - visitors. Pack what you need, we shall return for you in 8 solar days.
John: Pilot... it was real.
Pilot: Perhaps. John. However - Moya and I desire time away from your constant bickering. And this adventure - however embellished - does not alleviate that need. *when John ignores his implicit dismissal* Get out of here.
John: Okay. You know - you really should get out more! These things do happen!
D’argo: *near door, in a low voice* What? He didn't believe you?
John: No.
D’argo: Well what was that thing about a slim duck?
John: Slam dunk.
D’argo: Whatever! It doesn't matter! He's throwing us off Moya!
John: Yeah well - you want to give it a go? *gestures towards Pilot, who looks up and snarls*
D’argo: No.
John: See. I did my best.
D’argo: Your best was to blow it!
John: I did my best!
D’argo: Well you blew it!
John: D'Argo -- he's kicking us off Moya 'cause we argue!
D’argo: He's kicking us off Moya because you argue!
John: No - WE argue!
D’argo: You argue!
John: WE! YOU-
D’argo: You argue!
John: You! You! We! AW! WE argue! You would argue with a lamppost!
D’argo: I do not! Open the door!
John: YOU open it!
D’argo: YOU open the door!
John: What you're a girl? I'm gonna open the door for you? Open the door!
D’argo: I'm older than you! Show some respect! You open the door!
John: You can open it! I'm not openin' the door!
D’argo: I'm not openin' no door. You open it...
___
I also think that this episode was violently disjointed. Now, it reminds me of the Jaime/Cersei sex scene in “Game of Thrones” season four, where varying parties had varying ideas about whether it was consensual or not, so it looked like a big mess on screen. This entire episode is basically the big mess on screen. Because apparently, according to the Scaper Chronicles, it was supposed to be more serious at first, but then someone high up didn’t like it, so they filmed the “epilogue” bit with John and Pilot, and gave the rest of the episode basically a “Hangover” feel. Which, to be fair, was funny (in a stupid way) on its own. But juxtapose those scenes in with the darker stuff, and…yeah, not so much.
Episode summary is here, courtesy of the John and Aeryn Fansite.
There is a plot here, but we are so often interrupted by Pilot basically eyerolling at the stupid dren while John explains what happened, that it barely seems like one sometimes. Pilot has banished John and D’argo from Moya for their incessant arguing; they find a “pleasure planet,” LoMo, where the people on the
The combative “bromance” is more or less the Farscapian version of “The Hangover” series, and I still find it chuckle worthy, for the most part. Stupid humor can be either entertaining or grating, and I think what makes it the latter is if the two characters and actors have great chemistry. That’s definitely the case for both John/D’argo and Ben/Anthony. They start off with D’argo’s grievance that John can treat the others “like animals,” which our human almost immediately proves true by calling D “Lassie.” :P Until the feathered chicks show up, they sit at their table and grumble while the girls have fun. Later, of course, there’s the scene where D’argo suggests that John “give [the onlookers] a show, sweetheart,” when he’s standing in a window in stockings. :P I even like how when D’argo suggests a threesome with the feathered chicks, John puts up his hand to indicate a fourth, lol. And that’s just the teaser; in the episode proper, they bicker about how many steps it is to the milking room, whose fault it is that they’re Moya banished, etc, etc, all to that ridiculous lounge music soundtrack and with all of those silly extras running around. :P Yeah, it works better on film than it does trying to explain it, heh.
The stuff happening with Fe’Tor and the girls really doesn’t work in any capacity. “Farscape” is capable of writing deeply thoughtful social commentary, but this episode is almost making light of such topics as drugs and rape culture. Even John and D’argo, who are unquestioningly “good guys,” act like asshats when it comes to the gender politics here. I rather resent that we have to show Chiana and Jool dancing from John’s perspective, eg the male gaze—they’re both established characters; why can’t their own dancing just be about them? It doesn’t even make sense logistically that John and D’argo can just meander around the club; aren’t they attached to the Hangi’s specific eye sockets? Yeah, yeah, scifi questions. :P From there, Fe’Tor uses the freslin as a date rape drug; our gals are still under the influence when D’argo tries to bust up the party with an unhelpfully alpha attitude. Later, Fe’Tor drugs them again and gets them to say that they’d do anything for him. From there, he drains their lives in a manner that can probably most aptly be compared to forced prostitution. I don’t think we’re supposed to be rooting for Fe’Tor when he says stuff like “squeeze her dry” or “it only hurts the first time,” but we’re not dwelling on the implications, either. I do think that, as a teen, when I saw the extra girl’s near lifeless body tied up to the machine, I got a little bit of a squicky feeling, but a second later, we were back to one of the goofier scenes in this disjointed episode. John surely gets what was going on, because when he arrives at the auction, he sounds like a Texas cattle farmer, referring to Chiana as “the carcass” or “the heifer.” But because it’s John saying his Crichtonisms, I’d let them go too easily in the past. Meanwhile, we have D’argo pitching a shit fit upstairs out of possessive jealousy over Chiana; I get that they need this to happen for the plot, and they set it up as the freslin’s effect on him, but with this rewatch, I was maxed out on men and their dren by that point. Ugh.
Not to completely dismiss D’argo and Chiana’s…lack of relationship. :P Which is obviously not true; they’re still in the middle of something, given their reactions to each other. I appreciate that the show hasn’t let this drop, just because they split up. Real life relationships don’t just end that easily, especially when you’re living in close quarters. D’argo obviously still feels possessive over her, and that’s not just the freslin talking; he’s clean when trying to drag her out of Fe’Tor’s house. And although his possessiveness is a character flaw, he obviously cares about her (and Jool), too. He can see that they’re drugged amongst strangers, and not in full control of themselves. Meanwhile, Chiana bears some responsibility for playing the tease, pulling on D’argo’s tenkas to get a rise out of him, etc, but she also stands up for herself by claiming that he can’t boss her around (you go, girl! :P) The ScapeCast pointed out that both of their worst qualities are on display here—but maybe their best, too. Meanwhile, in John land, we can only assume that he’s increasingly acting the part of an aggressive dick because he’s missing some Aeryn in his life. :P But as Nicola pointed out on the podcast, we can all rest easy that he doesn’t get too much action with the feathered chicks, because his “pulse pistol,” aka his mojo, is missing. :P Rest assured of his celibacy, shippers!
Speaking of relationships and tension, we get a bit of a meta moment this episode between Ben and Francesca. Yes, Francesca Buller is back, and in another crazy alien costume, playing Raxil. Apparently the “you’re not very smart, are you?” line was taken from a real argument on set. :P Maybe Ben is a method actor in channeling John, heh. Like Rona and M’Lee before her, Raxil is someone who comes off as innocent as first, but then we quickly realize that she has a more devious side. And I have to give my kudos to Francesca, because all three of these women are very different characters. Desperately hungry M’Lee was largely subject to forces beyond her control, and timidly greedy RoNa was coerced by external forces, but hyperactive Raxil calls all the shots from the very beginning. And I love the continuity, set up earlier in the season, that the Moya crew is beginning to get a bit of a reputation, so that folks like Raxil might start to take advantage of them. Our boys wisely don’t trust the pushy alien as far as they can throw her, but somehow Raxil always stayed in the driver’s seat. Though luckily, John has Harvey on his side! Granted, part of the reason he shows up is to fanboy D’argo in their weird, shared…tentacle dream space. :P But he’s also looking out for our human (and ergo his own survival) who, after all, is about to tango with Fe’Tor and his unsavory friends. Best way to get escape plan plot points out is to put them in Harvey’s mouth, hee.
There’s two other significant things to talk about in this episode—Chiana’s final scene, and the alternate ending. :o I’ll start with the Chiana scene, which features in the episode proper. She randomly asks John about his head, and removes his night goggles so that they won’t get broken, just seconds before Fe’Tor punches him in the face. “Farscape” likes it’s hints and foreshadowing…just saying! :P (Another thing about Chi’s scene—her forcing Fe’Tor to overdose is rather disquieting, but it shows how violence often boomerangs.) I also finally got to see the original ending, just recently in the DVD extras. Both John and D’argo are in front of Pilot and everyone is relatively somber; no bickering or anything. Pilot actually expresses sympathy for their ordeal on LoMo, rather than sardonic skepticism. Then they take a moment to talk about Talyn, and Moya’s decision on her next move…and outside in the corridor, Raxil is waiting! :0 I was shocked, I tell you! The boys “suggest” that she get off at the next port, and then they destroy the chip with her milking machine design on it. That, to me, is the most striking difference in tone between the two endings. In the aired episode, I always assumed that Raxil stayed on LoMo, free to sell her design to a new batch of sexual sadists. But in the unaired footage, our guys get a bit of a heroic moment. They smash the harmful blueprints and take away Raxil’s undeserved power. That almost makes me feel better about this whole thing. :P Well, and that Chiana was fire twirling apparently because Gigi fire twirled on her off time. Chi’s wig is new, too, because the old one was worn out; I thought there was a new, angular cut to it! :P Also, this is the first time that they switch out the general credits music with something from the specific episode. I gotta admit…though this “Farscape” installment has dropped significantly in my estimation, I still enjoy snapping my fingers to that lounge music, hee.
Favorite Crichtonism: What? W-What doesn't make sense? She nailed him with Love Potion #9.
Favorite Quotes:
*setting the tone for the “Hangover” gestalt of the episode*
Chiana: Oh yeah! They are going to write songs about the way you guys tore this place up!
D’argo: Great. Go away.
Chiana: I am away. I'm- on- vacation!
John: Pip - beat it.
Chiana: Has it occurred to you why Pilot banished you from Moya? Because you're both acting like a couple of immature dredgenots. Grow up! Or ignore each other - or kill each other. But just stop fighting all the time
Jool: *tipsily approaching* I'm out of currency.
John: Here. *gives her some coins*
Chiana: *to Jool* Playland for the rich too classy for ya?
Jool: *to Chiana* Effervescent spirits cost more than cheap raslak. But you - you just keep on hunting for that long range cargo hauler of your dreams. 'Cos he's bound to throw up in you lap one day.
Chiana: *to boys* When she passes out, I'll - I'll take her back to Moya. In the meantime -- I'm gonna have some fun! I suggest you guys do the same.
John: *after she leaves* See what you did?
D’argo: You did it.
John: You did.
D’argo: You.
John: You.
D’argo: You.
John: Did.
D’argo: You.
John: You - Yeah right. You did it.
*some mature flirtation!*
BlueGirl: Ah - are you boys - a couple?
John: No!
D’argo: No!
John: No! No!
D’argo: No!
GreenGirl: Can you handle some girls looking to party?
D’argo: I am a full-blooded Luxan. And ladies - I have so much cash in my pocket that I can assure you that the 3 of us*John holds up a fourth finger for himself* - will be out of here on our hands and knees come sunrise tomorrow morning. I've been arrested for saying exactly the same thing on 4 different planets.
*the boys wake up rolled, and in a…compromising position*
John: Unnnggghhh... what happened?
D’argo: What didn't happen?
John: Oh gawd - there were girls right? Feathered chicks - the - the Rainbow Coalition.
D’argo: Girls - breasts. Blue breasts, green breasts, I don't know! All I know is - they spiked our drinks and took our money.
John: They rolled us?
D’argo: Yeah they rolled us. You know, these -
John: *finding his holster empty* My pulse pistol!
D’argo: -shots that we took? They spiked 'em!
John: My pulse pistol! They-they took my damn pulse pistol!
D’argo: No one stole your pulse pistol! We're on LoMo. No weapons allowed. Your pulse pistol's on the transport pod.
John: I don't remember that. *starting to collect himself* Where are my boots?
Raxil: *watching happily from outside with a group of tittering people* Whoahhh!
John: D'Argo. We're in a window. There are people watching.
D’argo: Uh-huh. I think they've been there for about 7 arns. So why don't you just get dressed and give 'em a good show sweetheart?
John: I am dressed. *glances down at his legs, and notices boxers and stockings* AAAAAHHHHH!
*from the future, John tries to explain the story to a skeptical Pilot*
Pilot: I said TEN solar days away from Moya and I meant TEN!
John: Pilot gimme a break! I'm tryin' to tell you what happened!
Pilot: I understand Crichton. However - my inclination is not to accept any explanation.
John: Well I can't go back down there. I'm persona non grata on LoMo. LoMo non grata. Can't do it. Not gonna. Eh-uh.
Pilot: You return beat-up, inebriated and broke after only TWO!
John: Yeah. But - that's what I'm trying to explain to you! You said that if I could explain it, then I-I could stay onboard, right?
Pilot: *sighing* Proceed.
*kind of negating earlier points where D’argo claimed John treats the others as “animals,” and…wasn’t this Pilot’s idea?*
John: Have we heard from Jool or Pip yet?
D’argo: They haven't been answering their comms.
John: Right. Go find 'em Lassie. It was your idea to come down here in the first place.
*our introduction to Raxil*
D’argo: Did - you - steal our currency?
Raxil: Wot you talkin' about? I didn't steal anything! I came over 'ere to talk to you - y'know? But you looked so angry before when you were in the winda-
John: Not talkin' about the window!
Raxil: Oll right. Lemme give ya something 'ere - I saw it all - they're in trouble!
D’argo: Yeah - they're gonna be in a lot more trouble when I find 'em! The green and the blue chick-
Raxil: Not the blue and green chick! Nonono! I'm talkin' about yoouur females! I'm talkin' about the pretty gray one and the really annoying gold one.
D’argo: What about them?
Raxil: They're in trouble! I can show ya! I can show ya what happened last night! Lemme go.
John: D'Argo look - Chiana knows how to look after herself. We gotta find our money -- and I'm pretty sure - that this grommet is involved.
Raxil: Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait - I've got something for ya - I've got us a recoooording of all that happened last night -- I mean - ya don't believe it - ya can see it for yourselves, y'know?
John: It's talking crap! We got rolled and I don't think we need a-
Raxil: You're broke! Ya can't get robbed again! I mean - whaddaya think? Ya think I want yer shoes?
John: *I* don't know - what you want.
Raxil: You're not very smart are ya? Now he -- he's got a brain. But you - you're a bit of an idiot huh?
John: Yeah?
Raxil: Yeah.
John: But, I'm bigger. *pushes her down*
Raxil: Oo! Owow! All right! Sorrysorry! Alright. Alright. Ha-have ya spoken to yer females yet? I'll bet ya haven't spoken to 'em yet. Have ya?
D’argo: No, we haven't spoken to them because they might be sleeping, they could be-
Raxil: How do I know ya haven't spoken to 'em yet? Huh? You don't know that do ya? No! Well my point is-
D’argo: WILL YOU JUST TELL US?
Raxil: Tah-dah! *whips out familiar comm.*
D’argo: That's Jool’s comm.
John: How do you know?
D’argo: It's melted around the edges from when she screams.
*the Hangi gives us a hint about Raxil’s true nature*
Kabaah: Go away! I don't need your trouble.
Raxil: Trouble? Me? Nonono - you must have me confused with someone else.
Kabaah: I'm not confused. I've seen you snooping around - seeing you when you didn't want me to.
*when attempting to pay Kabaah to see Chiana and Jool footage from last night*
John: We are being scammed. Ren and Stimpy here are teamin' up to rip us off. Let's get outta here.
Kabaah: This phanix? I would never team up with her.
Raxil: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just to prove to you - I'll pay! *slaps some familiar-looking coins on the table* There!
John: Where did you get that currency?
Raxil: Why? Whatsamatter?
John: All of our brandar tiles were stolen last night.
Raxil: So? Didja have yer name on 'em? No! No! They aren't yours - they're mine! They're mine! You two have really gotta work on your attitude ya know that?
*the boys and Raxil witness Chiana’s first meeting with Fe’Tor*
Chiana: *to bartender* I just won a bet! Raslak. Make it a large.
Fe’Tor: You smell so exotic. I like watching you dance. I like watching you and your friend. But especially - you.
Chiana: Ooh!
John: Oh big deal. She's being hit on by some guy. Knowing Chi, he's probably in more trouble than she is.
Raxil: Wait! There's more!
Fe’Tor: I have something for you. *puts the freslin underneath her nose; Chiana goes from mildly flirtatious to inebriated and pliant*
Chiana: You - I like the look of you.
D’argo: Who is this bastard?
Raxil: That's Fe'Tor.
John: *Kabaah abruptly ejects them* OW-WOW! WHOA! WHOA! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
Kabaah: You didn't pay me enough to cross Fe'Tor.
D’argo: Who is Fe'Tor?
Raxil: 'E was what I was tryin' t' show ya! Fe'Tor's the most famous kaznick around 'ere. He rounds up all the good-looking ones an' they all just party - night and day! Night and day!
D’argo: What? Does he - do then?
Raxil: He hurts 'em! He gives 'em the whiff! Well you saw! And then they do anything!
*inter-dispersed with D’argo and John arguing about what to do with their new info, Fe’Tor and his sister talk about killing an unconscious girl they have rigged up to their machine*
Theiadh: Her freslin is still - adequate.
Fe’Tor: I'm not interested in -adequate.
Theiadh: We can't have another auction yet. It's too soon. Too dangerous.
Fe’Tor: I think our female upstairs may be exceptional. For her - we can risk it. *walking away casually after a John/D’argo scene* Squeeze her dry.
*D’argo attempts to remove the girls from Fe’Tor’s house before his guards turn guns on him*
D’argo: *responding to her screams* JOOL! JOOL! Are you all right?
Jool: AA-ah! Oh D'Argo! *she’s stoned and happy in a bath* Oh - come in with me. Come on.
D’argo: Where - is - Chiana?
Jool: Over there.
D’argo: *leans over Chiana, who is stoned, rolling and giggling on the floor* Um... Ah.. Ah - We thought that perhaps you might be in some trouble.
Chiana: I'm not in any trouble. At least none I don't want to be in.
D’argo: *speaking quietly, because Fe’Tor is sitting near them* I uh... We saw him - give you something. Some stuff.
Chiana: *more alert and adversarial* Oh. Were you spying on me?
D’argo: No. No.
Chiana: D'Argo, I came here to have a good time. Does that make you jealous?
D’argo: No I'm not jealous. It's just that, ah-
Chiana: 'Cos you and me, we-we're not together anymore. Are we?
D’argo: I know we're not together anymore but-
Chiana: Oh. Well then - let go of me.
D’argo: *drops his nice guys tactics and hauls her up* All right. You and Jool are coming with me.
Chiana: Lemme go!
Fe’Tor: Chiana? Everything all right?
D’argo: She's fine.
Fe’Tor: Why don't you let go of her then?
D’argo: Why don't you mind your own business, you miserable little tralk? *guards point weapons at him*
Fe’Tor: Please! Please! Calm yourself. I don't like to show force. But you are in my residence and you are attacking my people. Now - get out.
D’argo: Chiana...
Chiana: *upset by this turn of events* D'Argo get out! GO!
Jool: Oh we're fine D'Argo! Really - we're just- *responding to ministrations of someone sitting behind her in the bath* Oh...
*having a conversation at the bar while a stoned D’argo boogies on the dance floor*
Raxil: See? See why I made us get off the beach? 'E would've been chasing everything that moves.
John: And it's all because of this stuff you gave him?
Raxil: Freslin's an attractant. You could be attractive to someone else, or they could be attracted to you. It could be strong, weak -Anything! Depends on where it's manufactured.
John: Is this the same stuff that guy sprayed on Chiana last night?
Raxil: Yeah. Grade-A freslin! Made in 'is own lab. Fe'Tor's got the most sensitive nose in the business!
*Chiana and Fe’Tor’s conversation on the subject is a little more ominous*
Fe’Tor: Did you like the freslin I gave you last night?
Chiana: Is this more of it?
Fe’Tor: Mm-hm. Different batch - Different quality. Want a taste? *gives her a sniff as she squirms, dazed, on his lap* Hm?
Chiana: Bring it on. *getting more wasted and less lucid* It's different.
Fe’Tor: More bitter?
Chiana: Yeah!
Fe’Tor: An animal’s last batch always is.
Chiana: This is - this is from an animal?
Jool: *wakes up abruptly on the floor beneath them* What am I missing?
Fe’Tor: Nothing. Here. *reaches around Chiana to give Jool another sniff of freslin* Wonderful isn't it?
Jool: *more wasted, she rubs up against the two of them* Aah... Ohhh... Yeah.
Fe’Tor: *to both women on his lap* Now - will you do anything for me?
Jool: *inebriated* I'll do anything for you.
*Raxil gets to the meat of how freslin is made*
Raxil: I think Fe'Tor wants your females for more than just - y'know.
John: What - does he want them for?
Raxil: Well the base element of freslin is found in the senil gland of sentient beings.
John: Oh you mean, like in - people?
Raxil: Yeah. Fe'Tor's got a machine that milks this gland. An-and when there's a lot of demand, well - sometimes he'll milk them until -they die.
*John tries to squeeze some info about Fe’Tor out of his right hand man*
John: How ya doin'? Man, were you here last night? Was that wild or what?
Mitols: I drink alone.
John: Yeah, I'm not really ah - interested in drinking either. Um - I'm lookin' for some ah - *quietly* - freslin -- and I heard that you were the guy to see.
Mitols: Go away.
John: Okay. L-lemme give you somethin'. Look. I am - loaded - with currency. An' I'm lookin' for somethin' a little special and this is the only crap *producing the atomizer that Raxil used on D’argo* - that I've been able to find. And ah - Kabaah - told me that you were the guy to see to get some really serious dren.
Mitols: Kabaah sent you? Why didn't you say so?
John: I just did.
Mitols: Apex of the moon tonight. Fe’Tor’s chamber. Know where it is?
John: I'll find it.
Mitols: We're auctioning some incredible dren. *gives John a token* This'll get you in.
*Fe’Tor slowly traps a confused and inebriated Jool in his milking machine*
Fe’Tor: You like the freslin?
Jool: Oh - I ah... Ah...
Fe’Tor: Shh - trust me! *grabs and muffles her screams* It only hurts the first time.
*aggressive John is back to deal with Kabaah*
John: Hey! Hammerhead! How ya doin'? I'm back for some home video!
Kabaah: Get out! Get out!
John: I don't think so. *grabs him by the neck* I need to see into Fe’Tor’s compound.
Kabaah: No! I won't help you against him!
John: Yes you will or I'm gonna snap your head off! Now I'm gonna see the compound layout. You're gonna show it to me. I don't care if it's empty, but you're gonna show it to me now!
*Harvey shows up to give John advice, but also to fanboy D’argo*
Harvey: Ka D'Argo! *D’argo hisses in surprise at seeing “Scorpius”*
John: No! I-It's okay. That's um... That's Harvey - it's not Scorpy. He's a puka. He's... He's not real.
Harvey: But thanks to our unique shared consciousness in this situation - we finally get to meet! Ka D'Argo! Give me 5! *holds out hand to bewildered D’argo*
John: Go away.
D’argo: I've had some weird conversations in my head before, but this - is a little...
John: Yeah I know. Hey look - Harvey just shows up every now and then to give me bad advice.
Harvey: And my suggestion to you both -- is to forget this folly! But - since I know you won't. Circuit breakers - *points out features in the room* - to the entire subterranean level. Darkness - ah - may be of assistance to you.
D’argo: *to John* You know what? I think that's not a bad idea.
Harvey: And the milking room you seek? Aah! Down the hallway.
*John and D’argo will find any reason to argue :P*
John: We - better count the steps into here. One - *boys walk and count, side by side* 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 -
D’argo: - 8.
John: - 8 - 9 - 10. *arrive at milking room* 10 steps.
D’argo: Ah - 8 steps.
John: 10!
D’argo: 8! Small legs, human!
*Chiana, coming off of her hangover, tries to find Jool*
Chiana: Jool? JOOL! *roams in hallway, close to milking room* Jool?
Fe’Tor: Something wrong?
Chiana: *startled* No! N-no. No. I-I was ah - I was just trying to find Jool. We should really be going.
Fe’Tor: *getting handsy* You really are quite beautiful.
Chiana: Ye-ah. *apprehensive* Where's Jool?
Fe’Tor: Don't be scared. Everything's all right.
*Raxil inadvertently outs that she planned this whole thing*
D’argo: No I will NOT go to Fe’Tor’s auction. He knows what I look like-
Raxil: I'll get you in.
D’argo: -so I won't get in. And you're not spraying me with that stuff! I'm not spending-
Raxil: This freslin will be different!
D’argo: -the rest of my life on the dance floor doing some- *reacts to her working on something to spray him with* NO! YOU ARE NOT-
Raxil: SHUTUP! JUST SHUTUP! I DID NOT DO EVERYTHING, PLAN EVERYTHING, SO YOU COULD BACK OUT NOW!
D’argo: Did you say “plan”?
Raxil: Nonono! I didn't mean plan - I make a plan - like - like - like plan something y'know-
D’argo: Did you say that you PLANNED THIS?
Raxil: Nononono! I didn't mean that! Nono-
John: *entering scene* I got everything from the transport pod. 2 pulse pistols, a pair of night-vision goggles, 200,000 in tiles so we can buy any - freslin we want… *notes tension* Ah - what did I miss?
Raxil: 2 guns? You brought just 2 guns?
D’argo: This little rodent - has been lying to us. She said that she planned all this.
Raxil: 2 guns? I mean - I thought you were the Great Crichton & D'Argo! I mean - you blew up a shadow depository! I mean - I thought you'd bring pelshfer charges! And a plasma bomb! And a really big gunship! BUT NO! YOU BRING NOTHING! YOU BRING 2 LITTLE WEAPONS THAT WOULDN'T KILL A NEGNIK!
D’argo: = You - have heard of us?
Raxil: Yeah - I've heard stories. But obviously they aren't worth a bucket of dren!
*Fe’Tor forces Chiana into his milking chair*
Chiana: What the frell have you done to her? *rushes over to unconscious Jool* Get her out of that thing you fekik!
Fe’Tor: Chiana -- she's not in any pain. Don't worry. Eh? Here. *tries to get her high on Jool’s freslin, but she pushes it away*
Chiana: Enough with the dren!
Fe’Tor: *getting mean now that she’s rebuffed him* You really shouldn't waste - the taste. *grabs her by the neck* Now I'll let your friend rest - but I need to replace her with a new animal.
*Raxil explains what she did*
Raxil: Now I knew Fe'Tor wouldn't bother your females while you were in the bar. So I paid the blue and green girls to get you out of the way.
John: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wait - You let -Fe'Tor - kidnap - Chiana and Jool?
Raxil: No I didn't help him. I just - created a situation where everyone-
John: Is there anything else you're not telling us?
Raxil: Nothing. Nothing. I promise!
*Fe’Tor and his sister prep Chiana for auction*
Fe’Tor: *sniffing her freslin* Aaah! I was right! You're exceptional! Would you like a taste? *proffers vial, but Chiana, still chained to the milking machine, ignores her. Speaks to sister* Drain as much as you can.
Theiadh: Without damaging her value of course.
*responding to D’argo’s changed appearance*
John: WHO THE - HELL?
Raxil: Oh - you know - the freslin I sprayed him with radiates 'is pheromones outwards and creates an aura morph. So we oll see D'Argo like this. I made him very attractive don't ya think?
*John puts on a Texas wrangler act to get by Fe’Tor*
Fe’Tor: I am your host. But names are not important - only currency.
John: Well son, Ah'm yer buyer! And ah - money ain't important t'me! Only quality. Know what Ah mean?
Fe’Tor: You've come to the right auction then. May I suggest - the Nebari. Finest I've ever tasted.
John: Raht.
Fe’Tor: *mildly surprised to see Raxil trying to skirt by him* Raxil! Alive still! I thought you'd given the freslin trade away after your disaster on Elepuria.
Raxil: Well yeah - I did lemme tell ya. But uh - things change.
Fe’Tor: Enjoy! Bid high. *eyes fall on changed D’argo* Excuse me. Do I know you?
D’argo: I ah - I doubt it. I've become a - A new man recently.
*Raxil’s character references just keep getting worse and worse, and there’s a down side to D’argo’s disguise…*
John: *accusing* You traded freslin?
Raxil: Waitwaitwaitwait! Years ago! Never killed anybody! None of it!
D’argo: None of it, my ass!
Raxil: Nonononono! My point is - you must calm down! Increased oxygenation hastens the metabolism of the freslin!
John: It's gonna wear off?
Raxil: Not for a while - not if he stays calm! Calm. Anger - bad.
*John takes an opportunity to check on Chiana while “bidding.”*
John: If you don't mahnd Ah'd like t' take a closer look at the carcassss...
Fe’Tor: Be my guest.
John: *approaches Chiana, chained to a post, and speaks quietly as he gets handsy* Hey Pip - can you hear me?
Chiana: *not fully conscious, but recognizing John* What took you so long?
…
John: *to Fe’Tor* You mahnd cuttin' this heifer down so Ah kin take a closer look? *quietly to Chiana, as he gets even more handsy when she’s released into his arms* Where's Jool?
Chiana: Milking room.
*D’argo is having a tough time with the show John is putting on with Chiana*
Raxil: Waitwaitwaitwait - is she yours?
D’argo: Used to be.
Raxil: Look - you've got freslin boiling your brain! Everything you feel's way out o' whack! What's goin' on down there - that's an act! E's just pretending to be a buyer!
*after all hell breaks loose—D’argo’s been spotted; the lights are off, and he and Raxil are trying to make their way to the milking room*
Raxil: No no - that's not right.
D’argo: It's 8!
Raxil: No no - he said 10.
D’argo: Shut up! I know what I'm talking about! It's 8! You're making me lose my place! 8! 8! Shut up!
Raxil: You're wrong! *D’argo thuds into a wall*
D’argo: *grudgingly* Okay - 10.
*Jool’s alive but Raxil’s mate is dead…sadly?*
D’argo: Jool - are you okay? *her eyelids flutter, but the guy near her is out cold* Who's that?
Raxil: That's my mate. He's dead.
Jool: *feebly* D'Argo! Save me!
D’argo: *exits with Jool in his arms; meets John and Chiana coming towards him* Crichton!
John: D'Argo! Where's Raxil?
D’argo: In there- the mate is dead.
John: Right. Meet you in the transport pod. *John pulls Chiana into the milking room* Raxil!
Raxil: *gleefully holds up data chip* THIS - is my honey! The brains of the machine! My design! HUAW! He stole it! Sold it! Fe'Tor didn't even know it was mine! Ooh-HUAW-HUAW-HUAW! Worth and fortune an' all! Hoo-hoo-HUAW-HUAW-HUAW!
*foreshadowing Chiana moment and Fe’Tor’s demise…*
Chiana: How's your neck?
John: It's fine. I don't mind stickin' it out for ya.
Chiana: *takes his night vision goggles off* You don't want these broken.
John: You okay?
Chiana: Yeah. *goes for exit*
John: Good. *responding to her prediction, seconds before Fe’Tor hits him in the face* Weird.
Fe’Tor: *has John in a death grip, about to pull the trigger* You ruined everything. Skreetuk!
Chiana: *from behind* mMMmMM! You smell - exotic! *dumps entire beaker of freslin on him; he goes down. Chiana squats and forces more down his gullet* Smell this! *as he dies, Chiana turns back to John* Neck still okay?
John: *a little bemused* Yeah.
Chiana: I knew it. Sad thing is - he's gonna die happy.
*…and we end with “The Hangover” refrain in Pilot’s den*
John: And that is what it was all about. Raxil - she was gettin' her chip back and she used us. She USED us man! So it is not - our – fault.
Pilot: I don't believe you.
John: Why not?
Pilot: Too many inconsistencies. Too much -obfuscation.
John: Ob-fuscation? How the hell does that translate? Fine! You know - look - you don't wanna believe me? Go ask the girls!
Pilot: Chiana and Jool are still sleeping off whatever it was they did and I'm not inclined to wake them.
John: Pilot, I don't think you've understood me. Lemme just start again-
Pilot: CRICHTON! NO! I have located another planet nearby - industrial. Comms traffic indicates they have accommodations for visitors. You and D'Argo are to be - visitors. Pack what you need, we shall return for you in 8 solar days.
John: Pilot... it was real.
Pilot: Perhaps. John. However - Moya and I desire time away from your constant bickering. And this adventure - however embellished - does not alleviate that need. *when John ignores his implicit dismissal* Get out of here.
John: Okay. You know - you really should get out more! These things do happen!
D’argo: *near door, in a low voice* What? He didn't believe you?
John: No.
D’argo: Well what was that thing about a slim duck?
John: Slam dunk.
D’argo: Whatever! It doesn't matter! He's throwing us off Moya!
John: Yeah well - you want to give it a go? *gestures towards Pilot, who looks up and snarls*
D’argo: No.
John: See. I did my best.
D’argo: Your best was to blow it!
John: I did my best!
D’argo: Well you blew it!
John: D'Argo -- he's kicking us off Moya 'cause we argue!
D’argo: He's kicking us off Moya because you argue!
John: No - WE argue!
D’argo: You argue!
John: WE! YOU-
D’argo: You argue!
John: You! You! We! AW! WE argue! You would argue with a lamppost!
D’argo: I do not! Open the door!
John: YOU open it!
D’argo: YOU open the door!
John: What you're a girl? I'm gonna open the door for you? Open the door!
D’argo: I'm older than you! Show some respect! You open the door!
John: You can open it! I'm not openin' the door!
D’argo: I'm not openin' no door. You open it...
___
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