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scifi_rewatchA few perhaps superficial farewells to deal with this episode. This marks the last FemPop recap! :( I was hoping that moderator Alex would get back to this project in time (heaven knows I’ve taken forever to get through episodes,) but I’m officially surpassing her now. Thank you for your thoughtful-yet-snarky reviews! :P
This is also the last of the “Rift-lite” episodes for awhile. Starting with the next one, we are back in the full throttle of Xena/Gabrielle angst. But this hour, though they don’t see each other often, things are pretty suns and roses between them. Gabrielle also gets screen time with a host of other characters—including Ares, Aprhodite and Joxer, whom, according to the wiki, won’t be in another episode as a pack again until season 5’s “Motherhood.” Another popular guest star is in this one, too—Allison Wall, who plays Minya, the wannabe warrior woman who emulates Xena from “A Day in the Life.”
The episode is completely ridiculous. There’s a lot of clever, farcical humor, but the actual plot falls apart after awhile. Still, there’s a few genuine moments between characters to look out for. Otherwise, grab your popcorn or your booze; whatever’s your poison. :P
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
This week’s story arc…Aphrodite is pissed when some youths desecrate her temple with pro-Xena messages. Ares suggests that she go after Gabrielle; he believes that with her out of the way he can get rid of Xena and clear the field for his latest warlord gang to take over a specific swath of land. Gabrielle is trying her hand at fiction writing, so Aphrodite charms the quill? Scroll? Both? to magic the words to life. So in the morning Xena’s gone fishing (literally), Gabrielle has to fight off some barbarians with sudden superpowers, and she ultimately meets up with the rest of the gang due to her meddling. Her attempts to be altruistic actually backfire a little, thanks to some vague writing, and the gods briefly lose their powers. Lots and lots of craziness ensues, but ultimately they’re able to put everything back to rights. With a little more camaraderie between them, too!
The humor really makes this episode. :P Honestly, I should stop typing now (who knows what mischief my own words will bring) and just copy and paste the transcript, hee. The best joke is undoubtedly Gabs unwittingly writing Joxer into the story with “she awoke with a jerk.” :P Alas, the show repeats that line a few too many times, though. We also have some of the graffiti in Aphrodite’s temple amounting to “Xena is da bomb,” which dates the show, and I don’t mean back to ancient Greece. :P Aprhodite, apparently, has bad hygiene when she isn’t immortal to take care of herself, leading to literal gag moments, hee. Joxer creates the beer helmet, lol. Gabrielle’s bumbling writing leads to all sorts of quirks, from Minya arriving at the phrase “a leather clad woman with a whip” (nice continuity, cos she took Xena’s!) to the barbarians rushing around, all confused, until Gabs sends them to a cave to sleep. Inexplicably, there’s someone dressed like a character from “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum,” grousing about a family heirloom that Gabs had a passerby donate to some charitable folks. At one point, he comes across people using it as a shish-kabob stick in the tavern, which is also leaking beer after Gabby writes “drinks on the house.” :P Even Ares’ warlords get in some to the kooky action, with an accidental smoke bomb detonation. Of course there’s a lot more gags in this hour; I’ll get to others later!
If there is any real soul to this hour, shockingly, it comes from Joxer. Maybe it’s only fitting that the most goofy character would be the most serious on the farcical episode. Joxer’s love for Gabrielle comes to a head when he trades a precious family heirloom (his father’s scabbard) for a necklace. (Fun fact: the peddler he sells it to, Paul Norell, is one of the actors who has multiple roles on both “Xena” and “Hercules.”) I also like Aphrodite’s lackluster, un-deified dating advice, but nothing beats that awkwardly tender moment when Gabs wakes up with the necklace on her chest and Joxer’s looking at her, hatless and tentative. Kinda have to start wondering if Gabby might be a little dense to not see what Joxer is driving at by now, though certainly it’s easier for her to not acknowledge it anyway. On the other end of the scale, Joxer does magic three nude Gabrielles into the picture. :P Sheesh, with that music and boogeying, it’s like being in the middle of a 1960s surfer film, hee. They do a really good job with artfully portraying the nudity without actually giving anything away. And the CGI is pretty good, too! Only get one glimpse of a tighty whitie at a certain point, hee.
Another somewhat serious issue is how the show probes Gabby’s “problematic” altruism. In a way, it’s more realistic—and raw—in the dramatic “Rift” episodes where she chooses to keep Hope or gives Xena up to Ming Tien. Here, it’s about the fact that although she’s trying to do good deeds with her new, magical writing, everything has a consequence. Barbarians have to ride somewhere. A stolen sword for charity still starts a feud. And accidentally stripping Ares and Aphrodite of their powers doesn’t necessarily solve anything, either. Gabby’s problem is that she keeps looking for easy answers, but the Xenaverse—even in this episode—is more complicated than that. It’s a surprisingly complex idea—probing the negative aspects of altruism—in a farcical episode. And it’s hindered further by the fact that the plot really sucks. How hard would it be to write “Xena returns to Gabrielle” for one thing? Although in general, I do appreciate Gabby’s use of melodramatic metaphors. Very true to bard form, hee. But the bard is overall pretty useless this episode until Xena came back with her fishy (no pun intended) solution to this problem. :P At least Ares and Joxer edit Gabby’s writing from this point out. Ares has a leather fetish for Xena…and apparently Minya has one for him, hee. Can’t say there is any lack of comedic chemistry this episode. I also enjoy the fraternal bickering between Ares and Aphrodite; Kevin and Alexandra milk it without going over the top.
Continuing to speak of Gabrielle and Ares, this episode advances their relationship as well. They still hate each other—or maybe they just want to—but by the end of it, they are bonding over their hero worship of Xena. There is even this surprisingly tender moment at the end—where allegedly, according to whoosh.org, Kevin and Renee were supposed to kiss. :0 That sounds a bit out there for me…and apparently it did for the two of them, too. So instead, we end with a much more appropriate older brotherly ribbing gesture. :P Very cute. And Gabrielle and Ares’ relationship continues to expand from there! Ares even mentions this in an upcoming hour, hee. Also, according to whoosh.org, this was one of Kevin Smith’s favorite episodes. Ted Raimi talked in the commentary about how he and Kevin would do Ronald Reagan accents together. :P Aaaw.
Some final odds and ends from the fan sites. According to FemPop, spray paint was invented in 1892 (though surely they used something in Greco-Roman times to make signs…) The beer helmet was apparently coined by someone named Joseph Gumbo. The wiki reports on prop repeats—the sword given to the charity sisters was also the sword of Hephaestus in “Prometheus.” The title is a play on the phrase “the pen is mightier than the sword,” credited to Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Finally, Ares’s two warlords, Thelonius and Munk, are a play on the famous pianist, Thelonius Munk. Lots of pop culture references in this episode! Pretty cool.
Disclaimer No naked Gabrielles were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Favorite Quotes:
*Ares manipulates Aphrodite against Gabrielle*
Aphrodite: Delinquent losers! I've got half a mind to hit you with--
Ares: A love bolt? Hardly seems a threat. My, my—they certainly made a mess here.
Aphrodite: Back off, Ar, I'm bummed out enough.
Ares: You know what your problem is.
Aphrodite: Duh! Your little Xena!
Ares: *buzzer noise* Gabrielle, her friend. See, I only made the warrior. She made the legend. Have you read any of her so-called stories? Huh. A warrior who loves the common person. You'd think she was a goddess. Pretty soon, when people think of 'love,' they're gonna think Xena, not Aphrodite.
Aphrodite: Xena?
Ares: Don't blame her. It's Gabrielle and her busy quill. That's your problem.
*Gabrielle has an artist’s “appreciation” for her tools*
Gabrielle: I love starting a new scroll. The feel of it in your hands. The look-- so clean. So perfectly empty. Listen-- the way it crinkles the first time you open it. And that smell. It's just a-- special, untouched scent. Try it.
Xena: It smells like musty old leather to me.
Gabrielle: Well, to the noncreative person, perhaps. Let's see. Your last adventure began with--
Xena: Don't you ever get tired of just writing down what I do? Why don't you create new characters? New images?
Gabrielle: You mean fiction? Well, I thought about trying that-- someday. Do you really think I could?
Xena: Give it a shot-- quietly.
*Gabrielle realizes that something is up when she deflects a barbarian’s steel with her bare abs*
Gabrielle: Did you see that?! Backflips! I don't do backflips.
Joxer: Do you have armor on, under there?
Gabrielle: Where's Xena? Who were those-- ? What are you-- ? Wait a minute. *reads scroll* 'Xena had gone-- the lone warrior, Gabrielle-- five barbarians—she started twirling her trusty staff, delivering kicks of-- such fury-- deflected the thrust of a sword with her mighty abs.’ I wrote this.
*Joxer inadvertently tells us how he got here*
Joxer: 'Gabrielle awoke with a jerk. Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.' That's a funny phrase. I can't find anything. I must've come here on my own.
*Gabrielle works on her superpower altruism*
Gabrielle: Stories can be anything we want them to be. Happy endings can truly happen, Joxer.
Joxer: Hmm.
Gabrielle: *to approaching women* Excuse me. Aren't you the Sisters of Gaea?
Sisters: Yes.
Gabrielle: Is there-- something that we can do to, um-- help you?
1st Sister: We're collecting goods for our orphans-- things we can sell in our shop in town. If you have anything--
2nd Sister: *about something on Joxer…or Joxer himself* Now, that would fetch a pretty dinar.
Joxer: Yes, I'm sure it would, but-- I wouldn't give this up just for anybody. *Gabrielle physically pesters him* Still, for the, uh-- Sisters of Gaea.
Gabrielle: She means your scabbard.
Joxer: Oh, right. Uh-- no, no-- oh, no-- I couldn't. My father gave me this. It was the only thing he ever gave me-- except get the sword, myself. I wouldn't part with this for anything.
2nd Sister: Oh-- too bad. Ceremonial weapons and the like are a hot commodity in Kargas.
Joxer: Oh.
Gabrielle: Well, you know, Sister-- I think you're going to get a surprise gift--right about now.
Man: Here. *hands over his sword*
1st Sister: This will provide for our orphans for years!
2nd Sister: Yes, it's a miracle.
Gabrielle: You're welcome.
2nd Sister: Thank you.
*Aphrodite makes sure that the barbarians stay in the game*
Aphrodite: Did the little blonde girlie scare the big, hairy men?
Barbarian: We are barbarians. We fear nothing.
Barbarian's Voice: Yeah.
Barbarian: We fight-- with the heart of a lion.
Aphrodite: And you run with the feet of a chicken. Now-- get back on your horsies-- and go back after her.
Barbarian's Voice: Yes, Ma'am.
*Ares keeps his warlords waiting in the wings…*
Thallonius: No way, Ares. Not until I know for sure that Xena has left the valley.
Ares: I'm giving you my word. I've taken care of it; she's gone.
Thallonius: My men might believe that. I can barely hold them back. They wanna loot that valley now. Xena, or no Xena-- but I'm not that stupid.
Ares: *choking warlord* And how stupid are you? Stupid enough to call the god of war a liar?
Thallonius: May- may- maybe-- but I'm definitely not stupid enough to go up against Xena.
Ares: Keep your men here. I'll give you a signal. You'll know Xena's gone then.
Thallonius: But what-- what's the signal?
Ares: You'll know when you see it.
*Gabby’s super altruism runs away from her*
Gabrielle: Well-- time's a-wasting. We've got a lot of good to do today, Joxer--a lot of good. *scribbles*
Male Voices: I love you, man." Hah! You're drunk!" "Who are you calling drunk?"
Vilius: *Belches*
Innkeeper: Come on, Vilius. You've had enough!
Vilius: Who are you to tell me I've had enough! *brawls break out*
Gabrielle: You know? There's always one drunk who spoils it for everyone.
Joxer: One drunk?
Male Voices: Hey! That's my mead!
Joxer: Couldn't get any worse.
Gabrielle: Well, this wasn't supposed to happen.
Barbarian: *entering* Where are they?!
Joxer: It got worse.
Barbarian: You. You think you can make fools of us? We—are barbarians. We will-- *Gabs scribbles* go west.
Another Barbarian: Huh?
Barbarian: Yes. We will go west. *leave, heading west*
Woman: The barbarians are headed for the Sisters of Gaea orphanage!
Gabrielle: Minor setback. *writes* 'They turned east.'
Barbarian: No! We go east!
Woman: Now they're heading for Akanacia!
Gabrielle: Um, *writes* 'The barbarians disappeared from the land!'
Barbarian: This way-- to the boats. We'll become pirates and--kill all who sail the seas.
Gabrielle: Um, *writes* 'The barbarians went to the caves and fell into a deep sleep.'
Barbarian: Wait! To the caves! I'm exhausted. *off they go*
Joxer: So, this is all the good you wanted to do, huh?
Gabrielle: Forget it. I am not writing another word.
*Gabrielle’s trepidation about her powers only lasts so long*
Gabrielle: I've got it! I'm not editing my work. Joxer-- that's it. That's all I have to do. I just have to be more careful. Do you realize, that now that I know the power of this scroll, I can end hunger. I can end disease. I can end-- I can end war. OK. *writes* 'The will of mortals won out-- ' Edit. '-- and war lost all its power.'
Ares: *falls to earth, a mortal* My powers! What's happened to my powers?! *to Gabs* You! Whaddya done to me?
Gabrielle: Um-- it's, it's not my fault. I-- I, I can fix this. Um--um-- *writes* 'The- the force that enchanted the scroll lost its powers.'
Aphrodite: *falls to earth, a mortal* Whoa. Wipeout.
Gabrielle: Hmm.
*Aphrodite and Ares are bratty siblings as mortals*
Gabrielle: Wait a minute. You wanted Xena out of the way, so you enchanted my scroll?
Aphrodite: Ares was being his usual manipulative self. He's got some army somewhere, ready to pounce on the valley. He wanted Xena out of the way, so he wanted to get me mad at you.
Ares: You figured that all out by yourself, did you?
Aphrodite: Hey, don't believe everything you hear about blondes. *to Gabby* Look, Sweetpea, just give me back my powers-- then I'll unzap the scroll.
Ares: No, no-- write mine back in first. That army's waiting for me to give them a signal that Xena's gone.
Aphrodite: Mmm-- not helping your cause any, Slick.
Ares: Oh. I promise, if you give me my powers back, I'll call off the attack. OK?
Aphrodite: Pigs can fly?
Ares: You can.
*attempting to describe Xena has unexpected results*
Joxer: Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa, why don't we describe her?
Gabrielle: *writes* 'Suddenly-- there was the arrival of the woman-- '
Ares: 'Leather'-- mention the leather.
Gabrielle: '-- wearing leather-- and, um-- black hair--carrying her
chakram.'
Joxer: "Wait. Does anybody really know what a chakram is? And does the scroll know it?
Gabrielle: '-- carrying the whip of Xena.'
Minya: I'm here. I don't know why-- but I know I'm here—to do something.
Gabrielle: Minya?
Ares: Who is this?
Gabrielle: This is Minya. She's our friend. She wants to be Xena-- and she has Xena's whip.
Minya: Never leaves my side. So-- who's the stud, the dork, and that bottled blonde?
Gabrielle: This is Ares, Aphrodite-- and Joxer.
Minya: Wha-- Ares-- god of war!
Ares: Hm-mm.
Minya: And Aphrodite! You're the goddess of love! And Joxer-- sorry, Bub, never heard 'a ya.
*more story complications for Gabrielle as Joxer tries to soothe her pride*
Gabrielle: I'm supposed to be the great bard with the wonderful stories. I can't even write a happy ending without screwing it up.
Joxer: Yes you can. I think your stories are-- are beautiful, and, um—you know—not everything you write turns into disaster. What about the Sisters of Gaea?
1st Sister: *entering* You know that sword that man gave us?
2nd Sister: We sold it for a king's ransom to Philiadus.
Joxer: See? You did some good. The orphans of Gaea.
Scaborus: *entering, speaking to Philiadus* You! That is my kinsman's sword-- and you are a dead man.
Gabrielle: Wait! What's your name?
Scaborus: I am Scaborous. Why? *Gabrielle writes* The caves. I must go to the caves. *leaves*
Ares: Those caves are gonna start gettin' pretty full.
*Aphrodite’s hassled mortal advice for wooing a lover*
Aphrodite: Why won't it stay up? Basic hair-care was not such a drag as a goddess.
Joxer: I think it looks good on ya.
Aphrodite: Flattery works, keep going.
Joxer: Um-- you know what? I, I have this question for you. Um--I l--there's-- there's this guy-- and he really loves this girl-- but this girl doesn't even know that--
Aphrodite: Hello-- the love goddess is off the clock. I got my own problems. *gives in* All right. Poetry-- and if that doesn't work--presents.
Joxer: Yeah?
Aphrodite: Yeah-- lots and lots of presents.
Joxer: Huh.
Aphrodite: OK?
Joxer: Yeah.
Aphrodite: Standard answer, now, give me my space.
*Joxer magics three naked Gabby’s into the world; the real Gabby doesn’t get it*
Gabrielle: 'A warrior, Joxer the Mighty,
Asked a boon from the god, Aphrodite.
And what a surprise,
He saw with love's eyes,
Three times-- '
Joxer: Had a little trouble there. Anyone know a word that ends in 'ite'?
Gabrielle: What does love's eyes have to do with me?
Joxer: Well-- well-- well-- the-- the-- the-- um--
Gabrielle: I get it. I get it. Of course. Love's eyes. Aphrodite's eyes-- she was looking at me when you wrote the poem, right?
Joxer: That's it, exactly. Now-- let's send those three to the caves.
*sudden plot twist once again keeps Gabs from realizing Joxer’s crush*
Joxer: *about the necklace* You like it?
Gabrielle: Uh-- it's-- it's beautiful. But why?
Joxer: 'Cause I wanted to get you something. You know-- just to, uh—say sorry for—the three naked yous and-- and everything. I, um-- I had to-- trade my father's scabbard for it.
Gabrielle: What?
Joxer: I had to trade my father's scabbard for it.
Gabrielle: Joxer-- you said that you would never, ever part with that scabbard.
Joxer: Well-- you know, Gabrielle-- some things in life are worth more than what they seem.
Gabrielle: The scroll, Joxer.
Joxer: Yeah?
Gabrielle: I hid the scroll in the scabbard.
Joxer: You did?
Gabrielle: *grabs him* Where is it, now?!
Joxer: Ow! I traded a peddler for it. We can get it back! Ow! What's the odds he's gonna figure it out?!
Woman: You'd better hurry! It's raining dinars in town!
Joxer: That's funny.
*mortal Aphrodite can’t inspire love because she’s too stinky*
Aphrodite: Hi there, big boy.
Old Man: *derisive sniff* Call me when you've had a bath, toots.
Minya: OK-- the tavern-keeper-- said the peddler headed out of town. What's wrong?
Aphrodite: I'm gonna end up like you!
*Ares and Gabby bond, despite themselves*
Gabrielle: These ruts are deep-- as if he's carrying a load of dinars.
Ares: Where'd you learn to read trails like that?
Gabrielle: Xena-- of course. You know, you hang around her long enough, you're bound to pick up something. You just have to focus.
Ares: Oh, yeah. I taught her that. When she came to me, she was just another lost warlord, hungry to kill. I gave her a purpose.
Gabrielle: Well, she has a different purpose, now.
Ares: I know. She is so darned good at it. You know—what she did when I had her on trial for her life-- it-- it was amazing.
Gabrielle: Well, how about what she pulled off with the Furies?
Ares: Oh-- it was brilliant. Yeah. And she does it all with that—that steely gaze, you know?
Gabrielle: Oh, yeah, I've seen that one a few times. *spots peddler* Ah, it looks like he's heading for the caves.
Ares: Yeah. We were starting to-- warm up to each other there, weren't we?
Gabrielle: Yeah, we were.
Ares: I didn't like it.
Gabrielle: Right back at'cha.
*Thallonius thinks he’s seen Ares’s sign to attack the valley, and a fishy Xena finally returns*
Gabrielle: Ares-- we have got to catch up with your warrior friend, so we can call off his attack.
Ares: Well, I can't stop them as a mortal. When I get my powers back, I promise-- I'm gonna punish Thallonius and his army in some-- painful, horrible way.
Gabrielle: You know, innocent people are going to die.
Ares: Oh, yes-- innocent people.
Gabrielle: Look! With or without you, we're going to fight Thallonius.
Aphrodite: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-wait. Who, exactly, is 'We'?
Joxer: Wait. Did I smell something?
Aphrodite: Lay off of me, turkey!
Joxer: No-- oh, it's fish!
Aphrodite: I'm new to this mortal hygiene thing!
Gabrielle: Xena?
Xena: *enters the scene, with scroll* Are you looking for this, huh? I, uh-- I took it off a peddler, who was being chased by barbarians, who was being chased by, uh-- three naked Gabrielle's—and Minya. She's still chasing them, by the way. Oh, yeah-- I read the scroll.
Gabrielle: Kind of messed it up, didn't I?
Xena: Pretty much. Did you write that limerick?
Joxer: I did.
Xena: Figures.
Gabrielle: You know, I tried to get you back. I tried, 'Xena goes to her number one friend.'
Xena: You sent me to visit a girl I hadn't seen since I was five--my first friend.
Ares: What about, 'Xena rejoins the woman who brought her to a new life.'?
Xena: Mom says thanks for the fish. I did start back once, but then I was-- overtaken by this irresistible urge to return to fishing. *to Gabby* I figure that's where you wrote, 'Xena returns from her journey.' And then I knew that something was up. I had visited just about everyone who ever meant anything to me-- well, except you. That's when I headed back.
*Xena “fishes”—no pun intended—for the answer to this conundrum*
Xena: Aphrodite, what was the charm that you used for the scroll? Exact wording.
Aphrodite: Um-- 'Lies will make the world go 'round, till truer words are written down.'
Xena: So, if you make something up, the scroll has the power to make it happen. And when truer words are written-- the power ends. Well, that's it! All we have to do is write the truth.
*…but problems still ensue over writing the literal truth*
Joxer: What's wrong?
Gabrielle: I, um-- I'm not really good at-- writing action.
Ares: What? You follow Xena around-- you-- you follow Xena around all day—you write stories about her. How do you do this without writing action?
Gabrielle: You see, I use metaphors. I write, 'Xena burst on the scene in a blaze of glory.'
Joxer: You do that, we'll be picking her up in a million pieces.
*Ares and Joxer take on the role of editors*
Joxer: That octopus came out of nowhere. Huh! She must have thrown that just for the halibut.
Ares: Write, 'Xena hit the warrior with a squid.'
Joxer: That was an octopus.
Ares: I think-- I know a squid when I see one…. *more action ensues* 'Xena whacked the warrior with her sword.'
Gabrielle: 'Whacked'? Is that a word?
Joxer: 'Hit,' Say, 'Hit.'
Gabrielle: "I don't think that's very literary. *the boys give her a look* OK, 'Hit.'
*does “Barbaria” exist in the Xenaverse, is Minya a ditz, or both? :P*
Joxer: Minya, where are the barbarians?
Minya: They stopped fighting and ran back to Barbaria. My hormones are peaking. I'm ready for action. I'm gonna crack some heads!
*after Ares gets his powers back*
Minya: You know? I expected more from the god of war. I mean, without his powers, he's just another man-- just another-- big old-- leather-clad-- well-muscled-- gorgeous, hunk 'a-- bad-boy-- man.
Gabrielle: How are those hormones, Minya?
Minya: Raging. I, uh-- I might go see-- Hower.
*the episode ends on a literal note*
Joxer: Hey, look-- you still got some extra space at the bottom of the scroll.
Gabrielle: I guess that means there's something else to write.
Xena: Try, 'The End.'
Gabrielle: *as she’s writing it* Well, OK-- I just-- I personally think that sounds a bit--
This is also the last of the “Rift-lite” episodes for awhile. Starting with the next one, we are back in the full throttle of Xena/Gabrielle angst. But this hour, though they don’t see each other often, things are pretty suns and roses between them. Gabrielle also gets screen time with a host of other characters—including Ares, Aprhodite and Joxer, whom, according to the wiki, won’t be in another episode as a pack again until season 5’s “Motherhood.” Another popular guest star is in this one, too—Allison Wall, who plays Minya, the wannabe warrior woman who emulates Xena from “A Day in the Life.”
The episode is completely ridiculous. There’s a lot of clever, farcical humor, but the actual plot falls apart after awhile. Still, there’s a few genuine moments between characters to look out for. Otherwise, grab your popcorn or your booze; whatever’s your poison. :P
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
This week’s story arc…Aphrodite is pissed when some youths desecrate her temple with pro-Xena messages. Ares suggests that she go after Gabrielle; he believes that with her out of the way he can get rid of Xena and clear the field for his latest warlord gang to take over a specific swath of land. Gabrielle is trying her hand at fiction writing, so Aphrodite charms the quill? Scroll? Both? to magic the words to life. So in the morning Xena’s gone fishing (literally), Gabrielle has to fight off some barbarians with sudden superpowers, and she ultimately meets up with the rest of the gang due to her meddling. Her attempts to be altruistic actually backfire a little, thanks to some vague writing, and the gods briefly lose their powers. Lots and lots of craziness ensues, but ultimately they’re able to put everything back to rights. With a little more camaraderie between them, too!
The humor really makes this episode. :P Honestly, I should stop typing now (who knows what mischief my own words will bring) and just copy and paste the transcript, hee. The best joke is undoubtedly Gabs unwittingly writing Joxer into the story with “she awoke with a jerk.” :P Alas, the show repeats that line a few too many times, though. We also have some of the graffiti in Aphrodite’s temple amounting to “Xena is da bomb,” which dates the show, and I don’t mean back to ancient Greece. :P Aprhodite, apparently, has bad hygiene when she isn’t immortal to take care of herself, leading to literal gag moments, hee. Joxer creates the beer helmet, lol. Gabrielle’s bumbling writing leads to all sorts of quirks, from Minya arriving at the phrase “a leather clad woman with a whip” (nice continuity, cos she took Xena’s!) to the barbarians rushing around, all confused, until Gabs sends them to a cave to sleep. Inexplicably, there’s someone dressed like a character from “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum,” grousing about a family heirloom that Gabs had a passerby donate to some charitable folks. At one point, he comes across people using it as a shish-kabob stick in the tavern, which is also leaking beer after Gabby writes “drinks on the house.” :P Even Ares’ warlords get in some to the kooky action, with an accidental smoke bomb detonation. Of course there’s a lot more gags in this hour; I’ll get to others later!
If there is any real soul to this hour, shockingly, it comes from Joxer. Maybe it’s only fitting that the most goofy character would be the most serious on the farcical episode. Joxer’s love for Gabrielle comes to a head when he trades a precious family heirloom (his father’s scabbard) for a necklace. (Fun fact: the peddler he sells it to, Paul Norell, is one of the actors who has multiple roles on both “Xena” and “Hercules.”) I also like Aphrodite’s lackluster, un-deified dating advice, but nothing beats that awkwardly tender moment when Gabs wakes up with the necklace on her chest and Joxer’s looking at her, hatless and tentative. Kinda have to start wondering if Gabby might be a little dense to not see what Joxer is driving at by now, though certainly it’s easier for her to not acknowledge it anyway. On the other end of the scale, Joxer does magic three nude Gabrielles into the picture. :P Sheesh, with that music and boogeying, it’s like being in the middle of a 1960s surfer film, hee. They do a really good job with artfully portraying the nudity without actually giving anything away. And the CGI is pretty good, too! Only get one glimpse of a tighty whitie at a certain point, hee.
Another somewhat serious issue is how the show probes Gabby’s “problematic” altruism. In a way, it’s more realistic—and raw—in the dramatic “Rift” episodes where she chooses to keep Hope or gives Xena up to Ming Tien. Here, it’s about the fact that although she’s trying to do good deeds with her new, magical writing, everything has a consequence. Barbarians have to ride somewhere. A stolen sword for charity still starts a feud. And accidentally stripping Ares and Aphrodite of their powers doesn’t necessarily solve anything, either. Gabby’s problem is that she keeps looking for easy answers, but the Xenaverse—even in this episode—is more complicated than that. It’s a surprisingly complex idea—probing the negative aspects of altruism—in a farcical episode. And it’s hindered further by the fact that the plot really sucks. How hard would it be to write “Xena returns to Gabrielle” for one thing? Although in general, I do appreciate Gabby’s use of melodramatic metaphors. Very true to bard form, hee. But the bard is overall pretty useless this episode until Xena came back with her fishy (no pun intended) solution to this problem. :P At least Ares and Joxer edit Gabby’s writing from this point out. Ares has a leather fetish for Xena…and apparently Minya has one for him, hee. Can’t say there is any lack of comedic chemistry this episode. I also enjoy the fraternal bickering between Ares and Aphrodite; Kevin and Alexandra milk it without going over the top.
Continuing to speak of Gabrielle and Ares, this episode advances their relationship as well. They still hate each other—or maybe they just want to—but by the end of it, they are bonding over their hero worship of Xena. There is even this surprisingly tender moment at the end—where allegedly, according to whoosh.org, Kevin and Renee were supposed to kiss. :0 That sounds a bit out there for me…and apparently it did for the two of them, too. So instead, we end with a much more appropriate older brotherly ribbing gesture. :P Very cute. And Gabrielle and Ares’ relationship continues to expand from there! Ares even mentions this in an upcoming hour, hee. Also, according to whoosh.org, this was one of Kevin Smith’s favorite episodes. Ted Raimi talked in the commentary about how he and Kevin would do Ronald Reagan accents together. :P Aaaw.
Some final odds and ends from the fan sites. According to FemPop, spray paint was invented in 1892 (though surely they used something in Greco-Roman times to make signs…) The beer helmet was apparently coined by someone named Joseph Gumbo. The wiki reports on prop repeats—the sword given to the charity sisters was also the sword of Hephaestus in “Prometheus.” The title is a play on the phrase “the pen is mightier than the sword,” credited to Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Finally, Ares’s two warlords, Thelonius and Munk, are a play on the famous pianist, Thelonius Munk. Lots of pop culture references in this episode! Pretty cool.
Disclaimer No naked Gabrielles were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Favorite Quotes:
*Ares manipulates Aphrodite against Gabrielle*
Aphrodite: Delinquent losers! I've got half a mind to hit you with--
Ares: A love bolt? Hardly seems a threat. My, my—they certainly made a mess here.
Aphrodite: Back off, Ar, I'm bummed out enough.
Ares: You know what your problem is.
Aphrodite: Duh! Your little Xena!
Ares: *buzzer noise* Gabrielle, her friend. See, I only made the warrior. She made the legend. Have you read any of her so-called stories? Huh. A warrior who loves the common person. You'd think she was a goddess. Pretty soon, when people think of 'love,' they're gonna think Xena, not Aphrodite.
Aphrodite: Xena?
Ares: Don't blame her. It's Gabrielle and her busy quill. That's your problem.
*Gabrielle has an artist’s “appreciation” for her tools*
Gabrielle: I love starting a new scroll. The feel of it in your hands. The look-- so clean. So perfectly empty. Listen-- the way it crinkles the first time you open it. And that smell. It's just a-- special, untouched scent. Try it.
Xena: It smells like musty old leather to me.
Gabrielle: Well, to the noncreative person, perhaps. Let's see. Your last adventure began with--
Xena: Don't you ever get tired of just writing down what I do? Why don't you create new characters? New images?
Gabrielle: You mean fiction? Well, I thought about trying that-- someday. Do you really think I could?
Xena: Give it a shot-- quietly.
*Gabrielle realizes that something is up when she deflects a barbarian’s steel with her bare abs*
Gabrielle: Did you see that?! Backflips! I don't do backflips.
Joxer: Do you have armor on, under there?
Gabrielle: Where's Xena? Who were those-- ? What are you-- ? Wait a minute. *reads scroll* 'Xena had gone-- the lone warrior, Gabrielle-- five barbarians—she started twirling her trusty staff, delivering kicks of-- such fury-- deflected the thrust of a sword with her mighty abs.’ I wrote this.
*Joxer inadvertently tells us how he got here*
Joxer: 'Gabrielle awoke with a jerk. Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.' That's a funny phrase. I can't find anything. I must've come here on my own.
*Gabrielle works on her superpower altruism*
Gabrielle: Stories can be anything we want them to be. Happy endings can truly happen, Joxer.
Joxer: Hmm.
Gabrielle: *to approaching women* Excuse me. Aren't you the Sisters of Gaea?
Sisters: Yes.
Gabrielle: Is there-- something that we can do to, um-- help you?
1st Sister: We're collecting goods for our orphans-- things we can sell in our shop in town. If you have anything--
2nd Sister: *about something on Joxer…or Joxer himself* Now, that would fetch a pretty dinar.
Joxer: Yes, I'm sure it would, but-- I wouldn't give this up just for anybody. *Gabrielle physically pesters him* Still, for the, uh-- Sisters of Gaea.
Gabrielle: She means your scabbard.
Joxer: Oh, right. Uh-- no, no-- oh, no-- I couldn't. My father gave me this. It was the only thing he ever gave me-- except get the sword, myself. I wouldn't part with this for anything.
2nd Sister: Oh-- too bad. Ceremonial weapons and the like are a hot commodity in Kargas.
Joxer: Oh.
Gabrielle: Well, you know, Sister-- I think you're going to get a surprise gift--right about now.
Man: Here. *hands over his sword*
1st Sister: This will provide for our orphans for years!
2nd Sister: Yes, it's a miracle.
Gabrielle: You're welcome.
2nd Sister: Thank you.
*Aphrodite makes sure that the barbarians stay in the game*
Aphrodite: Did the little blonde girlie scare the big, hairy men?
Barbarian: We are barbarians. We fear nothing.
Barbarian's Voice: Yeah.
Barbarian: We fight-- with the heart of a lion.
Aphrodite: And you run with the feet of a chicken. Now-- get back on your horsies-- and go back after her.
Barbarian's Voice: Yes, Ma'am.
*Ares keeps his warlords waiting in the wings…*
Thallonius: No way, Ares. Not until I know for sure that Xena has left the valley.
Ares: I'm giving you my word. I've taken care of it; she's gone.
Thallonius: My men might believe that. I can barely hold them back. They wanna loot that valley now. Xena, or no Xena-- but I'm not that stupid.
Ares: *choking warlord* And how stupid are you? Stupid enough to call the god of war a liar?
Thallonius: May- may- maybe-- but I'm definitely not stupid enough to go up against Xena.
Ares: Keep your men here. I'll give you a signal. You'll know Xena's gone then.
Thallonius: But what-- what's the signal?
Ares: You'll know when you see it.
*Gabby’s super altruism runs away from her*
Gabrielle: Well-- time's a-wasting. We've got a lot of good to do today, Joxer--a lot of good. *scribbles*
Male Voices: I love you, man." Hah! You're drunk!" "Who are you calling drunk?"
Vilius: *Belches*
Innkeeper: Come on, Vilius. You've had enough!
Vilius: Who are you to tell me I've had enough! *brawls break out*
Gabrielle: You know? There's always one drunk who spoils it for everyone.
Joxer: One drunk?
Male Voices: Hey! That's my mead!
Joxer: Couldn't get any worse.
Gabrielle: Well, this wasn't supposed to happen.
Barbarian: *entering* Where are they?!
Joxer: It got worse.
Barbarian: You. You think you can make fools of us? We—are barbarians. We will-- *Gabs scribbles* go west.
Another Barbarian: Huh?
Barbarian: Yes. We will go west. *leave, heading west*
Woman: The barbarians are headed for the Sisters of Gaea orphanage!
Gabrielle: Minor setback. *writes* 'They turned east.'
Barbarian: No! We go east!
Woman: Now they're heading for Akanacia!
Gabrielle: Um, *writes* 'The barbarians disappeared from the land!'
Barbarian: This way-- to the boats. We'll become pirates and--kill all who sail the seas.
Gabrielle: Um, *writes* 'The barbarians went to the caves and fell into a deep sleep.'
Barbarian: Wait! To the caves! I'm exhausted. *off they go*
Joxer: So, this is all the good you wanted to do, huh?
Gabrielle: Forget it. I am not writing another word.
*Gabrielle’s trepidation about her powers only lasts so long*
Gabrielle: I've got it! I'm not editing my work. Joxer-- that's it. That's all I have to do. I just have to be more careful. Do you realize, that now that I know the power of this scroll, I can end hunger. I can end disease. I can end-- I can end war. OK. *writes* 'The will of mortals won out-- ' Edit. '-- and war lost all its power.'
Ares: *falls to earth, a mortal* My powers! What's happened to my powers?! *to Gabs* You! Whaddya done to me?
Gabrielle: Um-- it's, it's not my fault. I-- I, I can fix this. Um--um-- *writes* 'The- the force that enchanted the scroll lost its powers.'
Aphrodite: *falls to earth, a mortal* Whoa. Wipeout.
Gabrielle: Hmm.
*Aphrodite and Ares are bratty siblings as mortals*
Gabrielle: Wait a minute. You wanted Xena out of the way, so you enchanted my scroll?
Aphrodite: Ares was being his usual manipulative self. He's got some army somewhere, ready to pounce on the valley. He wanted Xena out of the way, so he wanted to get me mad at you.
Ares: You figured that all out by yourself, did you?
Aphrodite: Hey, don't believe everything you hear about blondes. *to Gabby* Look, Sweetpea, just give me back my powers-- then I'll unzap the scroll.
Ares: No, no-- write mine back in first. That army's waiting for me to give them a signal that Xena's gone.
Aphrodite: Mmm-- not helping your cause any, Slick.
Ares: Oh. I promise, if you give me my powers back, I'll call off the attack. OK?
Aphrodite: Pigs can fly?
Ares: You can.
*attempting to describe Xena has unexpected results*
Joxer: Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa, why don't we describe her?
Gabrielle: *writes* 'Suddenly-- there was the arrival of the woman-- '
Ares: 'Leather'-- mention the leather.
Gabrielle: '-- wearing leather-- and, um-- black hair--carrying her
chakram.'
Joxer: "Wait. Does anybody really know what a chakram is? And does the scroll know it?
Gabrielle: '-- carrying the whip of Xena.'
Minya: I'm here. I don't know why-- but I know I'm here—to do something.
Gabrielle: Minya?
Ares: Who is this?
Gabrielle: This is Minya. She's our friend. She wants to be Xena-- and she has Xena's whip.
Minya: Never leaves my side. So-- who's the stud, the dork, and that bottled blonde?
Gabrielle: This is Ares, Aphrodite-- and Joxer.
Minya: Wha-- Ares-- god of war!
Ares: Hm-mm.
Minya: And Aphrodite! You're the goddess of love! And Joxer-- sorry, Bub, never heard 'a ya.
*more story complications for Gabrielle as Joxer tries to soothe her pride*
Gabrielle: I'm supposed to be the great bard with the wonderful stories. I can't even write a happy ending without screwing it up.
Joxer: Yes you can. I think your stories are-- are beautiful, and, um—you know—not everything you write turns into disaster. What about the Sisters of Gaea?
1st Sister: *entering* You know that sword that man gave us?
2nd Sister: We sold it for a king's ransom to Philiadus.
Joxer: See? You did some good. The orphans of Gaea.
Scaborus: *entering, speaking to Philiadus* You! That is my kinsman's sword-- and you are a dead man.
Gabrielle: Wait! What's your name?
Scaborus: I am Scaborous. Why? *Gabrielle writes* The caves. I must go to the caves. *leaves*
Ares: Those caves are gonna start gettin' pretty full.
*Aphrodite’s hassled mortal advice for wooing a lover*
Aphrodite: Why won't it stay up? Basic hair-care was not such a drag as a goddess.
Joxer: I think it looks good on ya.
Aphrodite: Flattery works, keep going.
Joxer: Um-- you know what? I, I have this question for you. Um--I l--there's-- there's this guy-- and he really loves this girl-- but this girl doesn't even know that--
Aphrodite: Hello-- the love goddess is off the clock. I got my own problems. *gives in* All right. Poetry-- and if that doesn't work--presents.
Joxer: Yeah?
Aphrodite: Yeah-- lots and lots of presents.
Joxer: Huh.
Aphrodite: OK?
Joxer: Yeah.
Aphrodite: Standard answer, now, give me my space.
*Joxer magics three naked Gabby’s into the world; the real Gabby doesn’t get it*
Gabrielle: 'A warrior, Joxer the Mighty,
Asked a boon from the god, Aphrodite.
And what a surprise,
He saw with love's eyes,
Three times-- '
Joxer: Had a little trouble there. Anyone know a word that ends in 'ite'?
Gabrielle: What does love's eyes have to do with me?
Joxer: Well-- well-- well-- the-- the-- the-- um--
Gabrielle: I get it. I get it. Of course. Love's eyes. Aphrodite's eyes-- she was looking at me when you wrote the poem, right?
Joxer: That's it, exactly. Now-- let's send those three to the caves.
*sudden plot twist once again keeps Gabs from realizing Joxer’s crush*
Joxer: *about the necklace* You like it?
Gabrielle: Uh-- it's-- it's beautiful. But why?
Joxer: 'Cause I wanted to get you something. You know-- just to, uh—say sorry for—the three naked yous and-- and everything. I, um-- I had to-- trade my father's scabbard for it.
Gabrielle: What?
Joxer: I had to trade my father's scabbard for it.
Gabrielle: Joxer-- you said that you would never, ever part with that scabbard.
Joxer: Well-- you know, Gabrielle-- some things in life are worth more than what they seem.
Gabrielle: The scroll, Joxer.
Joxer: Yeah?
Gabrielle: I hid the scroll in the scabbard.
Joxer: You did?
Gabrielle: *grabs him* Where is it, now?!
Joxer: Ow! I traded a peddler for it. We can get it back! Ow! What's the odds he's gonna figure it out?!
Woman: You'd better hurry! It's raining dinars in town!
Joxer: That's funny.
*mortal Aphrodite can’t inspire love because she’s too stinky*
Aphrodite: Hi there, big boy.
Old Man: *derisive sniff* Call me when you've had a bath, toots.
Minya: OK-- the tavern-keeper-- said the peddler headed out of town. What's wrong?
Aphrodite: I'm gonna end up like you!
*Ares and Gabby bond, despite themselves*
Gabrielle: These ruts are deep-- as if he's carrying a load of dinars.
Ares: Where'd you learn to read trails like that?
Gabrielle: Xena-- of course. You know, you hang around her long enough, you're bound to pick up something. You just have to focus.
Ares: Oh, yeah. I taught her that. When she came to me, she was just another lost warlord, hungry to kill. I gave her a purpose.
Gabrielle: Well, she has a different purpose, now.
Ares: I know. She is so darned good at it. You know—what she did when I had her on trial for her life-- it-- it was amazing.
Gabrielle: Well, how about what she pulled off with the Furies?
Ares: Oh-- it was brilliant. Yeah. And she does it all with that—that steely gaze, you know?
Gabrielle: Oh, yeah, I've seen that one a few times. *spots peddler* Ah, it looks like he's heading for the caves.
Ares: Yeah. We were starting to-- warm up to each other there, weren't we?
Gabrielle: Yeah, we were.
Ares: I didn't like it.
Gabrielle: Right back at'cha.
*Thallonius thinks he’s seen Ares’s sign to attack the valley, and a fishy Xena finally returns*
Gabrielle: Ares-- we have got to catch up with your warrior friend, so we can call off his attack.
Ares: Well, I can't stop them as a mortal. When I get my powers back, I promise-- I'm gonna punish Thallonius and his army in some-- painful, horrible way.
Gabrielle: You know, innocent people are going to die.
Ares: Oh, yes-- innocent people.
Gabrielle: Look! With or without you, we're going to fight Thallonius.
Aphrodite: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-wait. Who, exactly, is 'We'?
Joxer: Wait. Did I smell something?
Aphrodite: Lay off of me, turkey!
Joxer: No-- oh, it's fish!
Aphrodite: I'm new to this mortal hygiene thing!
Gabrielle: Xena?
Xena: *enters the scene, with scroll* Are you looking for this, huh? I, uh-- I took it off a peddler, who was being chased by barbarians, who was being chased by, uh-- three naked Gabrielle's—and Minya. She's still chasing them, by the way. Oh, yeah-- I read the scroll.
Gabrielle: Kind of messed it up, didn't I?
Xena: Pretty much. Did you write that limerick?
Joxer: I did.
Xena: Figures.
Gabrielle: You know, I tried to get you back. I tried, 'Xena goes to her number one friend.'
Xena: You sent me to visit a girl I hadn't seen since I was five--my first friend.
Ares: What about, 'Xena rejoins the woman who brought her to a new life.'?
Xena: Mom says thanks for the fish. I did start back once, but then I was-- overtaken by this irresistible urge to return to fishing. *to Gabby* I figure that's where you wrote, 'Xena returns from her journey.' And then I knew that something was up. I had visited just about everyone who ever meant anything to me-- well, except you. That's when I headed back.
*Xena “fishes”—no pun intended—for the answer to this conundrum*
Xena: Aphrodite, what was the charm that you used for the scroll? Exact wording.
Aphrodite: Um-- 'Lies will make the world go 'round, till truer words are written down.'
Xena: So, if you make something up, the scroll has the power to make it happen. And when truer words are written-- the power ends. Well, that's it! All we have to do is write the truth.
*…but problems still ensue over writing the literal truth*
Joxer: What's wrong?
Gabrielle: I, um-- I'm not really good at-- writing action.
Ares: What? You follow Xena around-- you-- you follow Xena around all day—you write stories about her. How do you do this without writing action?
Gabrielle: You see, I use metaphors. I write, 'Xena burst on the scene in a blaze of glory.'
Joxer: You do that, we'll be picking her up in a million pieces.
*Ares and Joxer take on the role of editors*
Joxer: That octopus came out of nowhere. Huh! She must have thrown that just for the halibut.
Ares: Write, 'Xena hit the warrior with a squid.'
Joxer: That was an octopus.
Ares: I think-- I know a squid when I see one…. *more action ensues* 'Xena whacked the warrior with her sword.'
Gabrielle: 'Whacked'? Is that a word?
Joxer: 'Hit,' Say, 'Hit.'
Gabrielle: "I don't think that's very literary. *the boys give her a look* OK, 'Hit.'
*does “Barbaria” exist in the Xenaverse, is Minya a ditz, or both? :P*
Joxer: Minya, where are the barbarians?
Minya: They stopped fighting and ran back to Barbaria. My hormones are peaking. I'm ready for action. I'm gonna crack some heads!
*after Ares gets his powers back*
Minya: You know? I expected more from the god of war. I mean, without his powers, he's just another man-- just another-- big old-- leather-clad-- well-muscled-- gorgeous, hunk 'a-- bad-boy-- man.
Gabrielle: How are those hormones, Minya?
Minya: Raging. I, uh-- I might go see-- Hower.
*the episode ends on a literal note*
Joxer: Hey, look-- you still got some extra space at the bottom of the scroll.
Gabrielle: I guess that means there's something else to write.
Xena: Try, 'The End.'
Gabrielle: *as she’s writing it* Well, OK-- I just-- I personally think that sounds a bit--
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