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scifi_rewatchIn keeping with the comedic, “Rift”-lite episodes of late, we return now to one of the recurring schtick pieces on “Xena”—Lucy Lawless playing a bunch of body doubles. :P We get a new one this time, Leah the Hestian priestess, who was inspired by Dana Carvey’s “Saturday Night Live” church lady caricature, according to the wiki and the DVD commentaries. Leah’s backstory and character certainly veer closer to a satirical take on nuns and convents (I mean, even her name is biblical) than anything having to do with Greco-Roman times, surprise surprise. :P
The plot of the hour isn’t really worth the paper it’s printed on, I have to agree with other commentators, but jeez are the jokes really out there. Like hyper-sexualized, you got this past the censors out there. :P Writers Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster really know how really know how to take advantage of suggestive raunchiness. Doesn’t hurt that Lucy and Renee (and Lucy…and Lucy) have some good rapport. Ted Raimi is back as well to reprise Joxer, which works for some people, at least. :P
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
So, uh, the story, such as it is. :P We see presumably Xena doing her presumably Xena thing, fighting bad guys, even being a bit self-righteous about “the right path;” this occasionally falls under her purview. But then she allows herself to be taken captive to be burned at the stake! Gabrielle, naturally, is alarmed and ultimately takes this as a test of her own skill. She saves “Xena” but then discovers that she’s not Xena, not Diana and not Meg; she’s a new, lisping character, the Hestian virgin priestess, Leah. They meet up with the real Xena and try to smuggle her back to her temple, but wuddaya know there’s another body double there! At least this time it’s a familiar character—Meg. Turns out she’s being used by the Delian priest Balius who intends to kill all the Hestians. Meg-as-Leah will basically lead them in a suicidal drink-the-koolaid gambit. The girls hide Leah in Meg’s new tavern bordello, with some hilarious consequences (though perhaps not as hilarious as Xena-as-Leah’s confessional with a Hestian virgin. :P) Henceforth, a lot of identity misinterpretation ensues, a la Joxer and Jett in the last episode, and Balius catches onto Xena’s plan. But it ultimately works out in the good guys’ favor, when Balius coerces who he thinks is Meg to conduct the ceremony early…but in fact it’s Leah, and in her own Hestian language she saves her temple sisters from death. Balius is defeated after Xena, Gabrielle (and Meg!) kick some ass, and then everything goes back to normal.
And yes, Joxer is in this episode. He shows up to the tavern, presumably to have some relations with Meg (or maybe another employee, who knows.) I’m just saying that when last we left Joxer and Meg together, they were kind of getting it on. :P Of course, the last time we left Meg at all, it was season two’s “Warrior…Princess…Tramp” and she had just taken a job in Diana’s father’s kitchen. What gives with the change? Well, more on that later. The first thing we notice about Joxer’s entrance into the place is that his theme song has new lyrics—and nice lyrics, not the mean ones that his mother supposedly sang about him as a child! :P Joxer may have a cartoonish reputation on the battlefield, but in the bedroom…not so much, it seems. The ladies fawn all over him, and if you want to hear their lyrics for yourself, click here! Of course, once he sees his uber-crush Gabrielle working behind the bar, he does this whole switcheroo thing where he’s worried about her virtue, which, way to shame the other ladies who partake in the business that you patronize, Jox. Talk about some slut shaming…though at least Balius gets his due in that department, FemPop asserts, since he ultimately meets his doom at the hands of Meg et al.
This whole thing with Balius using Meg is rather similar to how the antagonist in the season two episode used her to impersonate Diana. Perhaps the writers are trying to dig into her character, and probe why maybe low self-esteem leads her to be swept up in the sleazy plots of these lowlife men. OK, no they’re not. :P Presumably, they took Meg out of the kitchen and back into the brothel because she’s more fun there. I think Meg is my favorite of the Xena look-alike characters (she definitely gets the most screen time. And to hint even more specifically at spoilery territory, I kind of like the relationship between her and Joxer. Maybe more as an idea, that these two clowns can find something real, and thank goodness we never have to go too deep into Joxer’s romance with Xena’s lookalike. :P) But anywho, it’s kind of Meg’s modus operandi to be strung along in these evil plans, but to also fudge them up because she’s such a bad actress. :P I think my favorite part of her time in this episode is when she’s lounging on Leah’s bed, legs extended so she’s sort of messy and seductive without being over the top. The censors let it through, anyway. :P But after spending time with Leah, it practically looks x-rated. Lucy pulls out all the stops (including always talking with a lisp for Leah. Good stuff.) I think my least favorite, or at least most eyerolly, part of Meg’s arc in this episode is that she is a good enough fighter to take down several soldiers. Kick ass in a scrap with some drunk customers at the tavern, sure, but hold her own against seasoned soldiers?! Even Balius is a bit of a badass and gives Xena the most run for her money…a priest?! Obviously they’re just trying to make the fight more interesting, but a whoosh.org commentator does have a point when she says that suddenly everyone who needs to be is a warrior. (And can also find Xena’s warrior attire without even knowing who the warrior princess is. :P Given the tone of this episode, I’m gonna go with Leah finding that get-up in a dominatrix clothing stall, heh heh.)
Obviously, the big draw of this episode is the sexual humor. We start relatively mild, with Lucy’s hilarious delivery of Leah’s shock and disgust over Xena and Gabrielle being non-virgins. She even seems to disapprove of Gabrielle giving it up to her husband, as though in her mind, even childbearing shouldn’t be a concern over staying celestially pure (which seems to contradict actual Hestian religion, given my meager understanding of it, but I’ll get to that later.) I love how, in season one, Gabrielle was so pure that even her virginity was a sacrosanct object, and now she’s being treated like a strumpet. :P Yay, character growth? As for when Xena did the dirty deed, who knows, though technically she was once married herself, hee. Anywho, of course it’s brilliant to throw Leah into a brothel scene, especially on this show where that means she’ll run into clientele who likes to use whips, and a roomful of animals that is hopefully “a petting zoo.” :P Damn, I was in stitches just seeing Lucy’s face. Totally amplified the sound effects. Anywho. More embarrassingly for me, I didn’t realize at first in the temple that Xena-as-Leah was listening to a virgin confess to masturbating with a squash. :)) I kind of assumed that they were going the other way with that, to say that this girl was so pure that planting vegetables incorrectly was a major sin. *hangs head* Of course, they conveniently get around all of the naughty dialogue while Xena is kicking some goon ass behind the curtain. But the most important aspect, of course, is when Xena advises the virgin priestess to “take matters into your own hands.” I totally need Xena to be my spiritual leader, hee.
The “confessional”isn’t the only Christian appropriation for the Hestian priestesses. Well, at one point in the brothel, Leah-as-Meg has the girls singing “Onward Virgin Soldiers” which is obviously a riff on “Onward Christian Soldiers,” hee. (Conversely, I was also struck by how the lady extras these eps were like mirror images of each other—defined by their “shy, innocent” sexuality vs their “bawdy, tainted” sexuality. But again, I’m giving this plot a bit too much thought now. :P) The real Hestian religion, according to FemPop, was far more of a hearth and home (wife and mother?) type of affair (Hestia being the most worshipped of the Greek gods), though by Roman times there were Vestal virgins. (Vesta being the new name for Hestia.) I got into that a tiny bit when the group made an appearance in “A Comedy of Eros.” There’s also likely no historical basis for Balius’s “Dealianism” cult, which I suppose is appropriate for a forgettable villain of the week, lulz.
Final odds and ends, largely thanks to whoosh.org. This episode aired in January of 1998, and screened shortly before release at Burbank II Con. A couple of months earlier, in September of 1997, they aired the clip of Joxer singing his new song at the NYC Convention. Lucy promoted the episode around that time on the morning show, “Good Day, New York” and she specifically referenced her new character’s “speech impediment.” One of the brothel employees who sang in the “Onward Virgin Soldiers” choir was Jodie Dorday, who played the Amazon warrior, Solari, and had a brief subplot with Autolycus in season two’s “The Quest.” Commentators recognized a temple prop from being part of “Comedy of Eros” (which I guess is a point in favor of Xenaverse continuity) and the bedchamber armois as belonging to Cleopatra in the last episode. Can’t deny that those Hestian priestesses have good taste. :p
Disclaimer Despite another Xena lookalike, the gene pool (or rather gene puddle) was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Favorite Quotes:
*Leah-as-Xena introduces herself to some goons*
Leah: I come in peace.
Dexon: Right-- and I'm Cupid-- spreading love wherever I go. What do you really want?
Leah: To see you give up your wawwior ways. The violence that you thrive on is a disease, Dexon. It grows inside you. And it wobs you of your humanity.
Dexon: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Leah: It is-- but it doesn't have to be that way. We can put aside our differences. We can bury our weapons. We can learn to live together in peace. I'm willing to do whatever it takes-- to sacrifice everything.
Dexon: You've got a knife stashed under that breastplate.
Leah: Dexon-- maybe this will convince you to twust me. Look at me, Dexon. See me as I truly am-- not a wawwior, but a champion of peace--willing to die for it.
Dexon: I'm moved-- truly. I hardly know what to say, except--grab her!
*stunned Gabrielle colloquialisms*
Leah: I am not afraid to die. Not if it is Hestia's will.
Gabrielle: Hestia? The virgin goddess? What does she have to do with the price
of grapes in Carthage?
*Gabs must come up with her own plan to save the day. Gets a little fat-shaming at the end*
Gabrielle: I get it. This is about me bugging you for more responsibility, isn't it? You wanna see if I can rescue you without your help. I can do that. Excuse me. *jumps onto pyre, attempts to undo bonds*
Dexon: Get the girl!
Gabrielle: Hey! Let me go! Son of a Bacchae! *attempts to use her weight to catapult a bucket of water on the other end* You happy now?! Of all the stubborn-- pig-headed-- !
Fat Man: Hey! What do you think you're doing?!
Gabrielle: None of your business-- Tubby. That's right, I'm talking to you.
*Gabs realizes that she’s talking to another Xena clone, but which one?*
Leah: My child, you seem a little troubled.
Gabrielle: 'Troubled' is a polite word for what I am! Callisto--you've come back somehow, to drive me insane! Pr-- Princess Diana-- I, I should have known, I-- . Meg? You really had me going. You're not Meg.
Leah: Permit me to introduce myself. I am Leah-- head priestess of the temple of Hestia.
*Leah’s reaction upon meeting Xena and realizing she has a double*
Leah: Ye gods on Mt. Olympus. It's a miracle. Let's join hands and praise Hestia! Praise Hestia! Praise Hestia! Praise Hestia!
*Leah and our girls uncover a bit of religious difference*
Gabrielle: Then, you always listen to Hestia.
Leah: Well, of course. It's not my place to question the wisdom of the goddess. We must all place our faith in Hestia. Do I sense a nonbeliever among us?
Xena: I just think that you'd do better if you put more faith in yourself.
Leah: Well-- looks like someone's caught a speeding chariot straight for Tartarus. What about you, Gabrielle? Hmm? Surely, you place more faith in the all-knowing, ever-powerful gods than you do in yourself.
Xena: Yeah.
Gabrielle: Actually, I'm with Xena on this one.
Leah: Ahh-- heathens to the left of me; infidels to the right. Huh. Tremendous. Next thing, you'll be telling me you're not virgins.
*getting caught in the crossfires of Leah’s prayers*
Leah: Oh, Hestia. If denying the flesh is the path to true wighteousness, then what lessons can I learn from these wanton strumpets?
Gabrielle: You don't have to be a virgin to be virtuous.
Leah: Oh, yes. You keep telling yourself that, Dear.
*upon reaching the temple*
Thoracles: Virgins only.
Gabrielle: What is it, written on my forehead?
*Meg poses as Leah*
Balius: And now, the Priestess Leah will lead us all in a prayer.
Meg: OK-- so let's kick off today's ceremony with a parable. A centaur and a cyclops go into a bar. And the bartender says to the cyclops--
Balius: *Clears throat*
Meg: Is there a problem, huh?
Balius: Everyone is waiting here to hear Hestia's divine message. The Hestian stones, your Eminence.
Meg: Aw, well-- now we're talkin'. Come in, seven! Priestess needs new sandals.
*Meg apparently thinks she’s filling in for a wayward priestess*
Meg: You got some nerve, Priestess. Abandoning your flock just when they needed ya. And a woman of the cloth. Probably out sewing your wild oats. Ya make me sick. Go on, get outta here!
*our first masturbation joke!*
Leah: You really are a very nice, albeit misguided—young person, Gabrielle. It's a great pity I didn't get 'hold of you sooner. You would've made an excellent Hestian.
Gabrielle: Thanks. I don't think so.
Leah: Well, the chaste life's not so bad. Once you get used to it. You simply have to follow the Hestian rules. Rule 1-- know thyself. Rule 2--whatever--
Gabrielle: Believe me. If I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem.
*Meg explains the 411 to Xena*
Meg: So, Balius comes to me with a sob story that Leah's disappearance deserted those poor girls-- I mean, virgins. He asked me to fill in for her at the ceremony tonight. You know-- hand out the wine, make up a few blessings. And I thought, what the hey, I'm in the mood for a good deed.
Xena: Tell me more about Balius.
Meg: Bali? Well, he's the head priest. A bit of a cream puff if you ask me. What are you doing?
Xena: I'm going to take your place. I'm gonna find out who's trying to get Leah and why. Stay here. And don't make trouble.
Meg: How could I make trouble? I'm a virgin! Great bed.
*Joxer’s new theme song!*
Joxer: Ladies, Meg-- your prayers have been answered.
Women: Joxer! Look, it's Joxer!
Joxer: Ha-ha.
Women: Joxer the Mighty,
Master of virility,
Every woman wants him,
He's so sexy it's a sin,
If you want a special tryst,
He's the man you can't resist,
By every measure he's a prize!
Joxer: Just check out my shoe size!
Women: Just check out his shoe size!
Joxer: Ha-Ha!
Women: He's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!
Joxer the Mighty,
Captain of debauchery.
Never seems to get enough
Of our tantalizing stuff.
If you need some company,
With Joxer there's a guarantee,
Joxer: Of the highest potency!
Wench: Heck, I'd even work for free!
Leah: Take your filthy hands off me!!!
Joxer: Hmm?
Women: He's-- Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!
*Joxer’s tragedy of conscience when it comes to Gabrielle*
Joxer: Oh. Oh, oh, I can't-- oh-- sheesh! Wait a minute. The woman I love is working here. I've gotta stop her. On the other hand-- I am just a—small business transaction away from pressing my lips against her. What am I saying?
*Xena-as-Meg figures out Balius’s game*
Xena: Bali. I just got bored, so I started lookin' around. This is pretty! What is it? It's not a Hestian medallion. Something tells me you're not a Hestian priest.
Balius: You breathe a word to anyone-- you're dead!
Xena: You got something cooking against the Hestians? Come on. Cut me in on the action.
Balius: We'll see. For now, just you play your part, my little tramp.
*Meg unwittingly reveals everything to the enemy*
Meg: Bali. I was just making a contribution. Hey, you know everyone around the temple-- maybe you can help. Does Leah have any enemies? Someone who might be trying to knock her off and take over as Priestess?
Balius: Why do you ask?
Meg: I'm just trying to help out a friend. She says someone might be trying to kill Leah.
Balius: Would that friend be Xena?
Meg: I can't say. But if you can't trust a man of the cloth, who can ya trust, huh? Yeah-- it's Xena. She's a really, really good friend of mine.
She's checking out the temple as we speak.
Balius: Thank Hestia she's here. Tell me, is Leah all right?
Meg: Yeah, couldn't be better. She's hiding out at my place, pretending to be me. Ain't that a kick in the head.
*Meg realizes she screwed up…*
Xena: You were wrong about Balius. He's a Deilian. They despise all Hestians. He set Leah up, and he's got plans for the other Hestians as well. Something wrong?
Meg: Mm-mm. Mm.
Xena: All right. You stay out of sight. I need more time to check out what he's up to.
Meg: OK.
*a priestess admits to some R-rated vegetable action while Xena gets the master plan*
Virgin: Priestess-- it's time for declarations.
Xena: Look, can-- can this wait? I'm really busy right now.
Virgin: What's gotten into you? You know we must declare our sins to you at the same time every day.
Xena: Shoot.
Virgin: It all started in the garden. I was happily tilling the soil-- when my eyes fell upon something magnificent-- the summer squash. Priestess?
Xena: *Fighting Thoracles* Go on-- I'm listening.
Virgin: My mind raced. Surely, the gods wouldn't have given us such...Is everything all right, Priestess?
Xena: Yes, perfect. Go on.
Virgin: Well--
Xena: *to Thoracles* So, Balius knows I'm here. What else does he know?
Thoracles: He knows about Leah. He sent men to Meg's place to kill her.
Virgin: What was that, Priestess?
Xena: Ah, nothing. Please continue. *to Thoracles* And the other Hestians-- what's he going to do with them?
Thoracles: He's gonna kill 'em-- at the ceremony. That's all I know!
Virgin: I can't even enjoy salad without-- feeling guilty.
*Leah climbs up the kinky scale super fast :P*
Leah: Gabrielle. Where are you? *opens door to woman’s sexual screaming, quickly shuts it* Gab-- *opens new door*
Female Voice: *Whip cracking* Who's been a naughty blacksmith?
Male Voice: I have.
Leah: Ohh! *goes for another door*
Sheep: *Bleats*
Leah: I hope that's a petting zoo. Oh, please, let that be a petting zoo!
*Leah converts the brothel workers*
Women: *singing* Onward virgin soldiers, marching us to war.
Leah: *conducting* Please-- you have to be supported by your diaphwagm.
*when Joxer mistakes Meg for Leah*
Joxer: Your Holiness. Please-- forgive me. To think I could've mistaken someone like you--an innocent, sheltered woman-- for somebody like Meg, who's been around the block plenty-- believe me. You may give me your punishment as you see fit.
Meg: *Punches Joxer* Hah!
Joxer: Why-- ? Aww-- boy, you virgins pack a wallop. Must be all that pent-up energy.
*an evil plan comes into play…*
Balius: Fools! How could you let Meg escape?! If she's not here to pose as Leah at tonight's ceremony, my plan will never succeed! The stupid tramp is probably back at the tavern, protected by Xena! How am I gonna get her back in time?!
Joxer: *rushing in* save you, Meeeg!
*Leah impersonating Meg impersonating Leah :P*
Leah: Hi, evewyone. I think I'm getting stage-fwight. You don't want me to lose it all over them virgins, do ya?
Balius: I'll take my chances. You want Joxer to live, don't you, Priestess?
Leah: Yeah. *goes for goblet*
Balius: You don't want to do that.
Leah: Poison?
Balius: Give each of them a glass-- and then read this proclamation, written in Hestian. Then they'll drink the poison, and it will all be over.
*Joxer plays the first game of six degrees*
Joxer: You connect anyone in mythology, back with the great warrior,
Thalidopes. OK, look. Let's say we wanted to connect-- Echidna-- the mother of all monsters—with Thalidopes. OK, now-- you're probably saying, 'How's he gonna do that, right? It's like-- right?' OK, well-- um-- Echidna met Hercules-- who saved her baby, Obi, and--Hercules met Thalidopes-- when he rescued the golden fleece.
*Joxer waxes plans for a jailbreak with Xena-as-Leah, while she gets them out the usual way*
Joxer: Don't worry about it, Priestess; I'll take care of everything. You just wait. First of all, gotta get that big dumb-looking guy with the keys to come over. Then once he's lured in, I'll wait for the right moment and pounce on him! Yeah. Then I'll grab the keys from him, stick 'em in the door, turn it, and let us out. I tell you, it's so easy, Priestess, any idiot could do it.
Xena: *opens the door for him* Come on, idiot.
Joxer: Hi, Xena.
*Balius’s evil plan is thwarted!*
Leah: And now we'll pause for a bwief musical interlude. These are the words of Hestia. 'Dama anowee. Esti kai kalowee. Esti kalowee kai. Esti kalowee kai. *priestesses drink from glasses and fall down*
Balius: Worshipers of Hestia, see what your goddess has done. She has killed those most loyal to her-- and betrayed your trust. It's time you all converted to Deilianism—the one true religion. Hestianism is dead-- not by the hand of man--but by the very words of the goddess herself.
Leah: Kalistweea. Kalowee kai. *women sit up and spit out poison*
Man: It's a miracle!
Balius: I don't understand. You told them not to swallow. You're not Meg. The only woman who knows the ancient Hestian language is-- Leah.
Leah: That's wight-- Bali. And you're headed for the dungeon, my man!
*Xena gets the last word with Balius*
Balius: Stay away from us!
Xena: You're a religious man, Balius. I got three words for you. Say your prayers. *beats him soundly* Leah. What would Hestia say about your use of physical violence?
Leah: In this case, I think she'd say-- 'Nicely done.'
*Leah gets the last word with Gabrielle*
Leah: I just wanted to show my gratitude. I know that—I know that I may have misjudged you.
Gabrielle: Maybe a little.
Leah: Maybe a lot. I guess I never really thought there was anything worthwhile outside the temple, but-- you've proved me wrong, and I'm glad. Thank you. I still think you'd make a gweat virgin.
___
The plot of the hour isn’t really worth the paper it’s printed on, I have to agree with other commentators, but jeez are the jokes really out there. Like hyper-sexualized, you got this past the censors out there. :P Writers Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster really know how really know how to take advantage of suggestive raunchiness. Doesn’t hurt that Lucy and Renee (and Lucy…and Lucy) have some good rapport. Ted Raimi is back as well to reprise Joxer, which works for some people, at least. :P
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
So, uh, the story, such as it is. :P We see presumably Xena doing her presumably Xena thing, fighting bad guys, even being a bit self-righteous about “the right path;” this occasionally falls under her purview. But then she allows herself to be taken captive to be burned at the stake! Gabrielle, naturally, is alarmed and ultimately takes this as a test of her own skill. She saves “Xena” but then discovers that she’s not Xena, not Diana and not Meg; she’s a new, lisping character, the Hestian virgin priestess, Leah. They meet up with the real Xena and try to smuggle her back to her temple, but wuddaya know there’s another body double there! At least this time it’s a familiar character—Meg. Turns out she’s being used by the Delian priest Balius who intends to kill all the Hestians. Meg-as-Leah will basically lead them in a suicidal drink-the-koolaid gambit. The girls hide Leah in Meg’s new tavern bordello, with some hilarious consequences (though perhaps not as hilarious as Xena-as-Leah’s confessional with a Hestian virgin. :P) Henceforth, a lot of identity misinterpretation ensues, a la Joxer and Jett in the last episode, and Balius catches onto Xena’s plan. But it ultimately works out in the good guys’ favor, when Balius coerces who he thinks is Meg to conduct the ceremony early…but in fact it’s Leah, and in her own Hestian language she saves her temple sisters from death. Balius is defeated after Xena, Gabrielle (and Meg!) kick some ass, and then everything goes back to normal.
And yes, Joxer is in this episode. He shows up to the tavern, presumably to have some relations with Meg (or maybe another employee, who knows.) I’m just saying that when last we left Joxer and Meg together, they were kind of getting it on. :P Of course, the last time we left Meg at all, it was season two’s “Warrior…Princess…Tramp” and she had just taken a job in Diana’s father’s kitchen. What gives with the change? Well, more on that later. The first thing we notice about Joxer’s entrance into the place is that his theme song has new lyrics—and nice lyrics, not the mean ones that his mother supposedly sang about him as a child! :P Joxer may have a cartoonish reputation on the battlefield, but in the bedroom…not so much, it seems. The ladies fawn all over him, and if you want to hear their lyrics for yourself, click here! Of course, once he sees his uber-crush Gabrielle working behind the bar, he does this whole switcheroo thing where he’s worried about her virtue, which, way to shame the other ladies who partake in the business that you patronize, Jox. Talk about some slut shaming…though at least Balius gets his due in that department, FemPop asserts, since he ultimately meets his doom at the hands of Meg et al.
This whole thing with Balius using Meg is rather similar to how the antagonist in the season two episode used her to impersonate Diana. Perhaps the writers are trying to dig into her character, and probe why maybe low self-esteem leads her to be swept up in the sleazy plots of these lowlife men. OK, no they’re not. :P Presumably, they took Meg out of the kitchen and back into the brothel because she’s more fun there. I think Meg is my favorite of the Xena look-alike characters (she definitely gets the most screen time. And to hint even more specifically at spoilery territory, I kind of like the relationship between her and Joxer. Maybe more as an idea, that these two clowns can find something real, and thank goodness we never have to go too deep into Joxer’s romance with Xena’s lookalike. :P) But anywho, it’s kind of Meg’s modus operandi to be strung along in these evil plans, but to also fudge them up because she’s such a bad actress. :P I think my favorite part of her time in this episode is when she’s lounging on Leah’s bed, legs extended so she’s sort of messy and seductive without being over the top. The censors let it through, anyway. :P But after spending time with Leah, it practically looks x-rated. Lucy pulls out all the stops (including always talking with a lisp for Leah. Good stuff.) I think my least favorite, or at least most eyerolly, part of Meg’s arc in this episode is that she is a good enough fighter to take down several soldiers. Kick ass in a scrap with some drunk customers at the tavern, sure, but hold her own against seasoned soldiers?! Even Balius is a bit of a badass and gives Xena the most run for her money…a priest?! Obviously they’re just trying to make the fight more interesting, but a whoosh.org commentator does have a point when she says that suddenly everyone who needs to be is a warrior. (And can also find Xena’s warrior attire without even knowing who the warrior princess is. :P Given the tone of this episode, I’m gonna go with Leah finding that get-up in a dominatrix clothing stall, heh heh.)
Obviously, the big draw of this episode is the sexual humor. We start relatively mild, with Lucy’s hilarious delivery of Leah’s shock and disgust over Xena and Gabrielle being non-virgins. She even seems to disapprove of Gabrielle giving it up to her husband, as though in her mind, even childbearing shouldn’t be a concern over staying celestially pure (which seems to contradict actual Hestian religion, given my meager understanding of it, but I’ll get to that later.) I love how, in season one, Gabrielle was so pure that even her virginity was a sacrosanct object, and now she’s being treated like a strumpet. :P Yay, character growth? As for when Xena did the dirty deed, who knows, though technically she was once married herself, hee. Anywho, of course it’s brilliant to throw Leah into a brothel scene, especially on this show where that means she’ll run into clientele who likes to use whips, and a roomful of animals that is hopefully “a petting zoo.” :P Damn, I was in stitches just seeing Lucy’s face. Totally amplified the sound effects. Anywho. More embarrassingly for me, I didn’t realize at first in the temple that Xena-as-Leah was listening to a virgin confess to masturbating with a squash. :)) I kind of assumed that they were going the other way with that, to say that this girl was so pure that planting vegetables incorrectly was a major sin. *hangs head* Of course, they conveniently get around all of the naughty dialogue while Xena is kicking some goon ass behind the curtain. But the most important aspect, of course, is when Xena advises the virgin priestess to “take matters into your own hands.” I totally need Xena to be my spiritual leader, hee.
The “confessional”isn’t the only Christian appropriation for the Hestian priestesses. Well, at one point in the brothel, Leah-as-Meg has the girls singing “Onward Virgin Soldiers” which is obviously a riff on “Onward Christian Soldiers,” hee. (Conversely, I was also struck by how the lady extras these eps were like mirror images of each other—defined by their “shy, innocent” sexuality vs their “bawdy, tainted” sexuality. But again, I’m giving this plot a bit too much thought now. :P) The real Hestian religion, according to FemPop, was far more of a hearth and home (wife and mother?) type of affair (Hestia being the most worshipped of the Greek gods), though by Roman times there were Vestal virgins. (Vesta being the new name for Hestia.) I got into that a tiny bit when the group made an appearance in “A Comedy of Eros.” There’s also likely no historical basis for Balius’s “Dealianism” cult, which I suppose is appropriate for a forgettable villain of the week, lulz.
Final odds and ends, largely thanks to whoosh.org. This episode aired in January of 1998, and screened shortly before release at Burbank II Con. A couple of months earlier, in September of 1997, they aired the clip of Joxer singing his new song at the NYC Convention. Lucy promoted the episode around that time on the morning show, “Good Day, New York” and she specifically referenced her new character’s “speech impediment.” One of the brothel employees who sang in the “Onward Virgin Soldiers” choir was Jodie Dorday, who played the Amazon warrior, Solari, and had a brief subplot with Autolycus in season two’s “The Quest.” Commentators recognized a temple prop from being part of “Comedy of Eros” (which I guess is a point in favor of Xenaverse continuity) and the bedchamber armois as belonging to Cleopatra in the last episode. Can’t deny that those Hestian priestesses have good taste. :p
Disclaimer Despite another Xena lookalike, the gene pool (or rather gene puddle) was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Favorite Quotes:
*Leah-as-Xena introduces herself to some goons*
Leah: I come in peace.
Dexon: Right-- and I'm Cupid-- spreading love wherever I go. What do you really want?
Leah: To see you give up your wawwior ways. The violence that you thrive on is a disease, Dexon. It grows inside you. And it wobs you of your humanity.
Dexon: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Leah: It is-- but it doesn't have to be that way. We can put aside our differences. We can bury our weapons. We can learn to live together in peace. I'm willing to do whatever it takes-- to sacrifice everything.
Dexon: You've got a knife stashed under that breastplate.
Leah: Dexon-- maybe this will convince you to twust me. Look at me, Dexon. See me as I truly am-- not a wawwior, but a champion of peace--willing to die for it.
Dexon: I'm moved-- truly. I hardly know what to say, except--grab her!
*stunned Gabrielle colloquialisms*
Leah: I am not afraid to die. Not if it is Hestia's will.
Gabrielle: Hestia? The virgin goddess? What does she have to do with the price
of grapes in Carthage?
*Gabs must come up with her own plan to save the day. Gets a little fat-shaming at the end*
Gabrielle: I get it. This is about me bugging you for more responsibility, isn't it? You wanna see if I can rescue you without your help. I can do that. Excuse me. *jumps onto pyre, attempts to undo bonds*
Dexon: Get the girl!
Gabrielle: Hey! Let me go! Son of a Bacchae! *attempts to use her weight to catapult a bucket of water on the other end* You happy now?! Of all the stubborn-- pig-headed-- !
Fat Man: Hey! What do you think you're doing?!
Gabrielle: None of your business-- Tubby. That's right, I'm talking to you.
*Gabs realizes that she’s talking to another Xena clone, but which one?*
Leah: My child, you seem a little troubled.
Gabrielle: 'Troubled' is a polite word for what I am! Callisto--you've come back somehow, to drive me insane! Pr-- Princess Diana-- I, I should have known, I-- . Meg? You really had me going. You're not Meg.
Leah: Permit me to introduce myself. I am Leah-- head priestess of the temple of Hestia.
*Leah’s reaction upon meeting Xena and realizing she has a double*
Leah: Ye gods on Mt. Olympus. It's a miracle. Let's join hands and praise Hestia! Praise Hestia! Praise Hestia! Praise Hestia!
*Leah and our girls uncover a bit of religious difference*
Gabrielle: Then, you always listen to Hestia.
Leah: Well, of course. It's not my place to question the wisdom of the goddess. We must all place our faith in Hestia. Do I sense a nonbeliever among us?
Xena: I just think that you'd do better if you put more faith in yourself.
Leah: Well-- looks like someone's caught a speeding chariot straight for Tartarus. What about you, Gabrielle? Hmm? Surely, you place more faith in the all-knowing, ever-powerful gods than you do in yourself.
Xena: Yeah.
Gabrielle: Actually, I'm with Xena on this one.
Leah: Ahh-- heathens to the left of me; infidels to the right. Huh. Tremendous. Next thing, you'll be telling me you're not virgins.
*getting caught in the crossfires of Leah’s prayers*
Leah: Oh, Hestia. If denying the flesh is the path to true wighteousness, then what lessons can I learn from these wanton strumpets?
Gabrielle: You don't have to be a virgin to be virtuous.
Leah: Oh, yes. You keep telling yourself that, Dear.
*upon reaching the temple*
Thoracles: Virgins only.
Gabrielle: What is it, written on my forehead?
*Meg poses as Leah*
Balius: And now, the Priestess Leah will lead us all in a prayer.
Meg: OK-- so let's kick off today's ceremony with a parable. A centaur and a cyclops go into a bar. And the bartender says to the cyclops--
Balius: *Clears throat*
Meg: Is there a problem, huh?
Balius: Everyone is waiting here to hear Hestia's divine message. The Hestian stones, your Eminence.
Meg: Aw, well-- now we're talkin'. Come in, seven! Priestess needs new sandals.
*Meg apparently thinks she’s filling in for a wayward priestess*
Meg: You got some nerve, Priestess. Abandoning your flock just when they needed ya. And a woman of the cloth. Probably out sewing your wild oats. Ya make me sick. Go on, get outta here!
*our first masturbation joke!*
Leah: You really are a very nice, albeit misguided—young person, Gabrielle. It's a great pity I didn't get 'hold of you sooner. You would've made an excellent Hestian.
Gabrielle: Thanks. I don't think so.
Leah: Well, the chaste life's not so bad. Once you get used to it. You simply have to follow the Hestian rules. Rule 1-- know thyself. Rule 2--whatever--
Gabrielle: Believe me. If I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem.
*Meg explains the 411 to Xena*
Meg: So, Balius comes to me with a sob story that Leah's disappearance deserted those poor girls-- I mean, virgins. He asked me to fill in for her at the ceremony tonight. You know-- hand out the wine, make up a few blessings. And I thought, what the hey, I'm in the mood for a good deed.
Xena: Tell me more about Balius.
Meg: Bali? Well, he's the head priest. A bit of a cream puff if you ask me. What are you doing?
Xena: I'm going to take your place. I'm gonna find out who's trying to get Leah and why. Stay here. And don't make trouble.
Meg: How could I make trouble? I'm a virgin! Great bed.
*Joxer’s new theme song!*
Joxer: Ladies, Meg-- your prayers have been answered.
Women: Joxer! Look, it's Joxer!
Joxer: Ha-ha.
Women: Joxer the Mighty,
Master of virility,
Every woman wants him,
He's so sexy it's a sin,
If you want a special tryst,
He's the man you can't resist,
By every measure he's a prize!
Joxer: Just check out my shoe size!
Women: Just check out his shoe size!
Joxer: Ha-Ha!
Women: He's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!
Joxer the Mighty,
Captain of debauchery.
Never seems to get enough
Of our tantalizing stuff.
If you need some company,
With Joxer there's a guarantee,
Joxer: Of the highest potency!
Wench: Heck, I'd even work for free!
Leah: Take your filthy hands off me!!!
Joxer: Hmm?
Women: He's-- Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!
*Joxer’s tragedy of conscience when it comes to Gabrielle*
Joxer: Oh. Oh, oh, I can't-- oh-- sheesh! Wait a minute. The woman I love is working here. I've gotta stop her. On the other hand-- I am just a—small business transaction away from pressing my lips against her. What am I saying?
*Xena-as-Meg figures out Balius’s game*
Xena: Bali. I just got bored, so I started lookin' around. This is pretty! What is it? It's not a Hestian medallion. Something tells me you're not a Hestian priest.
Balius: You breathe a word to anyone-- you're dead!
Xena: You got something cooking against the Hestians? Come on. Cut me in on the action.
Balius: We'll see. For now, just you play your part, my little tramp.
*Meg unwittingly reveals everything to the enemy*
Meg: Bali. I was just making a contribution. Hey, you know everyone around the temple-- maybe you can help. Does Leah have any enemies? Someone who might be trying to knock her off and take over as Priestess?
Balius: Why do you ask?
Meg: I'm just trying to help out a friend. She says someone might be trying to kill Leah.
Balius: Would that friend be Xena?
Meg: I can't say. But if you can't trust a man of the cloth, who can ya trust, huh? Yeah-- it's Xena. She's a really, really good friend of mine.
She's checking out the temple as we speak.
Balius: Thank Hestia she's here. Tell me, is Leah all right?
Meg: Yeah, couldn't be better. She's hiding out at my place, pretending to be me. Ain't that a kick in the head.
*Meg realizes she screwed up…*
Xena: You were wrong about Balius. He's a Deilian. They despise all Hestians. He set Leah up, and he's got plans for the other Hestians as well. Something wrong?
Meg: Mm-mm. Mm.
Xena: All right. You stay out of sight. I need more time to check out what he's up to.
Meg: OK.
*a priestess admits to some R-rated vegetable action while Xena gets the master plan*
Virgin: Priestess-- it's time for declarations.
Xena: Look, can-- can this wait? I'm really busy right now.
Virgin: What's gotten into you? You know we must declare our sins to you at the same time every day.
Xena: Shoot.
Virgin: It all started in the garden. I was happily tilling the soil-- when my eyes fell upon something magnificent-- the summer squash. Priestess?
Xena: *Fighting Thoracles* Go on-- I'm listening.
Virgin: My mind raced. Surely, the gods wouldn't have given us such...Is everything all right, Priestess?
Xena: Yes, perfect. Go on.
Virgin: Well--
Xena: *to Thoracles* So, Balius knows I'm here. What else does he know?
Thoracles: He knows about Leah. He sent men to Meg's place to kill her.
Virgin: What was that, Priestess?
Xena: Ah, nothing. Please continue. *to Thoracles* And the other Hestians-- what's he going to do with them?
Thoracles: He's gonna kill 'em-- at the ceremony. That's all I know!
Virgin: I can't even enjoy salad without-- feeling guilty.
*Leah climbs up the kinky scale super fast :P*
Leah: Gabrielle. Where are you? *opens door to woman’s sexual screaming, quickly shuts it* Gab-- *opens new door*
Female Voice: *Whip cracking* Who's been a naughty blacksmith?
Male Voice: I have.
Leah: Ohh! *goes for another door*
Sheep: *Bleats*
Leah: I hope that's a petting zoo. Oh, please, let that be a petting zoo!
*Leah converts the brothel workers*
Women: *singing* Onward virgin soldiers, marching us to war.
Leah: *conducting* Please-- you have to be supported by your diaphwagm.
*when Joxer mistakes Meg for Leah*
Joxer: Your Holiness. Please-- forgive me. To think I could've mistaken someone like you--an innocent, sheltered woman-- for somebody like Meg, who's been around the block plenty-- believe me. You may give me your punishment as you see fit.
Meg: *Punches Joxer* Hah!
Joxer: Why-- ? Aww-- boy, you virgins pack a wallop. Must be all that pent-up energy.
*an evil plan comes into play…*
Balius: Fools! How could you let Meg escape?! If she's not here to pose as Leah at tonight's ceremony, my plan will never succeed! The stupid tramp is probably back at the tavern, protected by Xena! How am I gonna get her back in time?!
Joxer: *rushing in* save you, Meeeg!
*Leah impersonating Meg impersonating Leah :P*
Leah: Hi, evewyone. I think I'm getting stage-fwight. You don't want me to lose it all over them virgins, do ya?
Balius: I'll take my chances. You want Joxer to live, don't you, Priestess?
Leah: Yeah. *goes for goblet*
Balius: You don't want to do that.
Leah: Poison?
Balius: Give each of them a glass-- and then read this proclamation, written in Hestian. Then they'll drink the poison, and it will all be over.
*Joxer plays the first game of six degrees*
Joxer: You connect anyone in mythology, back with the great warrior,
Thalidopes. OK, look. Let's say we wanted to connect-- Echidna-- the mother of all monsters—with Thalidopes. OK, now-- you're probably saying, 'How's he gonna do that, right? It's like-- right?' OK, well-- um-- Echidna met Hercules-- who saved her baby, Obi, and--Hercules met Thalidopes-- when he rescued the golden fleece.
*Joxer waxes plans for a jailbreak with Xena-as-Leah, while she gets them out the usual way*
Joxer: Don't worry about it, Priestess; I'll take care of everything. You just wait. First of all, gotta get that big dumb-looking guy with the keys to come over. Then once he's lured in, I'll wait for the right moment and pounce on him! Yeah. Then I'll grab the keys from him, stick 'em in the door, turn it, and let us out. I tell you, it's so easy, Priestess, any idiot could do it.
Xena: *opens the door for him* Come on, idiot.
Joxer: Hi, Xena.
*Balius’s evil plan is thwarted!*
Leah: And now we'll pause for a bwief musical interlude. These are the words of Hestia. 'Dama anowee. Esti kai kalowee. Esti kalowee kai. Esti kalowee kai. *priestesses drink from glasses and fall down*
Balius: Worshipers of Hestia, see what your goddess has done. She has killed those most loyal to her-- and betrayed your trust. It's time you all converted to Deilianism—the one true religion. Hestianism is dead-- not by the hand of man--but by the very words of the goddess herself.
Leah: Kalistweea. Kalowee kai. *women sit up and spit out poison*
Man: It's a miracle!
Balius: I don't understand. You told them not to swallow. You're not Meg. The only woman who knows the ancient Hestian language is-- Leah.
Leah: That's wight-- Bali. And you're headed for the dungeon, my man!
*Xena gets the last word with Balius*
Balius: Stay away from us!
Xena: You're a religious man, Balius. I got three words for you. Say your prayers. *beats him soundly* Leah. What would Hestia say about your use of physical violence?
Leah: In this case, I think she'd say-- 'Nicely done.'
*Leah gets the last word with Gabrielle*
Leah: I just wanted to show my gratitude. I know that—I know that I may have misjudged you.
Gabrielle: Maybe a little.
Leah: Maybe a lot. I guess I never really thought there was anything worthwhile outside the temple, but-- you've proved me wrong, and I'm glad. Thank you. I still think you'd make a gweat virgin.
___
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