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scifi_rewatchThis is a weird episode for a season finale, being so silly and random, except for a couple of sticking points. I just learned from the “Xena” wiki that there is a reason for this--it wasn't meant to be the season ender. The show runners meant to go for 24 episodes, like season 1, but apparently that wasn't in the cards. The first two eppys of season 3 were meant to end this one; that will be some intriguing viewing now!
Karl Urban returns to reprise his role as Cupid, though after this he will only be playing Caesar, I believe. Jay Laga’aia reprises his role as Draco; we last saw him in the premiere ep of the series, but he's one of the more charismatic warlord goons; he's a keeper!
It's a really kooky episode. Kinda made my head spin, in fact, about all the potentially serious issues (like the possibility of assault) of which it made light. But that's obviously not the point here--the point is to have some fun with subtext. The show is easing us slowly into the penultimate Xena/Gabrielle relationship. :p
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
So here's the bare bones plot of the thing--warlord Draco and his goons are after kidnapping Hestian virgins to sell to a slave trader. Xena and Gabrielle bump into Joxer and arrive to stop them. Elsewhere, Cupid's toddler, Bliss, doesn't want to sleep, but Cupid is anxious for some private time with his baby mama. So he's not really paying attention when he shuts the door--the kid is still awake and all eager to play with Daddy's bow and arrows. It almost feels like a re-telling of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer's Night Dream," where some immortals have fun at the expense of human love lives, but the show runners apparently were more into "A Comedy of Errors". (Get it? :p Cupid’s Roman name). Also, in case it needs mention, neither Bliss nor the idea of Hestian virgins are actually grounded in Greco-Roman tradition.
We start with the people of the town going kind of crazy--a boy falls for his wingman rather than his betrothed, a man falls for a donkey. Amusing slapstick backdrop as Xena and Gabrielle walk and drop exposition. :p. But let's get to Draco. I feel like his brief, albeit drugged, rekindling of affections with Xena was most compelling. Not the hit-you-over-the-head shenanigans of Gabrielle falling for Joxer, because they both play such goofballs, especially together. But...you could sort of see Xena and Draco legitimately falling in love! Xena, as she admits, has a history of falling for bad boys. (And Lucy, according to writer Chris Manheim, really enjoyed Jay; looks like some legitimate chemistry ). Xena and Draco even have a history! Meanwhile, on his end (though he's not "arowed,") how could he not fall for the warrior princess; both a military and romantic challenge? The characters have a bit in common in how they attempt to control situations. So that works. Draco falling for Gabrielle, of course, is a bit ridiculous. :p. Gotta love how he painstakingly tries to win her affections by slowly promising to kill fewer people when he pillages towns...just livestock?…ok just other looters. :p. We also got the hilarious "cherries" line, which influenced the disclaimer. In fact, Draco/Gabrielle reminds me of another Draco's romantic exploits--in fanfiction. :p
Speaking of Harry Potter crossover, is Gabrielle friends with Hermione? How else could she fit her entire Amazon headdress (convenient for the plot, sure, where Xena forces Draco to fight a warlord to save his new lady love,) into her little knapsack? I do appreciate the continuity of remembering that Gabs is an Amazon princess; the show even remembered how, in the premiere, Draco reminisced over attempting to turn good--didn't work so well. Something tells me his love spell won't do much better, but when the warrior princess brings Cupid to fix his son's mess, they decide to keep it on anyway. :p A lovesick Draco seems to be a less dangerous one—he even leaves Gabs alone at the end of the hour, content to pine from afar.
This episode is just packed with sexual frustration, including Xena "cooling off" in a lake as she tries to figure this thing out without falling letting her hormones get the best of her. Twice in a row, the show deals with misdirection--Xena and Draco's clothes are off, but they're just arm wrestling; Gabrielle and Joxer's clothes are off, but they're just lying in a meadow, learning Joxer's theme song. (Apparently Renee chewed on Ted Raimi's ear so bad that it turned black! :o. She also still really can't sing. :p). FemPop had a bit of a a problem with Gabrielle using Perdicas and her widowhood to try and stave off the warlord’s advances (had the opposite effect, of course). I myself found it a little button pushing that the Hestian virgins fell, “arrowed,” for the goons chasing them--who got a bit frightened once they themselves were turned into play. I suppose it was better to keep with the humorous theme of the eppy, rather than throwing in sexual violence.
Some other odds and ends, thanks to whoosh.org; Renee confirmed that the "cherries" were really grapes with stems, because they couldn't pause long enough to spit out the pits. Karl Urban said at DragonCon 2000 that the wings were glued to his back and left blisters; they were heeeeavy. He also, apparently, compared and contrasted Caesar and Cupid; Caesar is calculated, whereas Cupid is a live-in-the-moment 17-year-old. I suppose I myself wouldn't think to compare them, because Urban's Caesar was nuanced and fascinating; Cupid is just a bit of fun. :p Can’t wait to see the Roman general again! (And a note of my own—what exactly was the “mission” on which Xena sent Joxer? At first I thought it was to deliver the message to the slaver, but then he apparently came back with some guy the warrior princess wanted—we only ever see an arm, and then the whole storyline is dropped. Sheesh, one of your laziest attempts, show runners!)
I suppose I'm running out of steam here. But before I leave you to the real treat of this eppy, the hilarious dialogue, some words on Joxer. Apparently his love for Gabrielle is real. And I can buy that it legitimately snuck up on him; just because we hadn't seen evidence before doesn't mean it wasn’t building. Those two goofballs in a warrior's world have a bit in common, after all, and Meg's actress, though around, is busy playing another character. :p. I think it's telling, too, that Gabrielle remains oblivious to Joxer's feelings (she could never quite get her head around what was happening with the love spells, either,) but Xena got it, and even put a comforting hand on Joxer's shoulder. It's good development for this character, and I'm glad it'll stick. Joxer needs something a little deeper than just bumbling into dangerous situations in the Xenaverse. He will approach this Gabrielle thing with a bit more of a pensive, self-aware attitude, and that's great. The fans tend to either love or hate Joxer--I've always appreciated him myself--but giving him more to play with than comic relief promises to be intriguing. We’ll see how it goes next season!
Disclaimer No Cherries were harmed in the making of this motion picture.
Favorite Quotes:
*Cupid tries to explain sexytimes to a toddler*
Cupid: I know, I know, I know. When I was your age, I hated going to bed, too, you know. When you get to be my age, and, uh-- going to bed takes on a-- a whole new meaning—you know?
Wife’s Voice: Cupid, I’m waiting.
Cupid: OK, look-- this could _really_ work out for you, you know? Here’s the deal. Here’s the deal. You go to bed, and _give_ your mother and me a chance, and you might just end up with a _little_ baby brother, or-- or a sister, huh? Wouldn’t that be cool?
Bliss: No.
*Xena and Gabrielle throw us a softball of subtext to start the eppy*
Gabrielle: Think of the faith it takes to be one of them.
Xena: Yeah, not to mention the other requirement.
Gabrielle: Just between you and me, being chaste can be real hard.
Xena: Chaste?
Gabrielle: Hmm.
Xena: No, I was talking about having to answer to that stupid bell your whole life.
Gabrielle: That too-- yeah.
*formerly anti-love Xena, who, after being “arrowed,” lays a smooch on Draco*
Draco: That was quite a welcome. What’d I do to deserve that?
Man’s Voice: I can’t believe Xena kissed him!
Xena: It’s what you’re not gonna do that earned it-- and a lot more.
Draco: I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna do. I’m not gonna let you foul up the biggest score of my life. That’s what I’m not gonna do.
Xena: You forced things between us once before, remember?
Joxer: _What_ is she _doing_?
Draco: I remember.
Gabrielle: It’s all part of her plan.
Draco: Everything.
Gabrielle: I hope.
*Joxer gives advice that Xena ends up using later*
Gabrielle: What’s wrong with you?
Xena: Nothing that a good workout won’t cure.
Joxer: Hey, uh-- try the lake. A cold swim usually helps. Hah-hah-hah-hah-- so I’ve been, uh-- told.
*un-arrowed Draco knows how to deal with his old lover/nemesis*
Craigan: Draco! Thank the gods! When you didn’t return right away, we thought-- well-- they say Xena’s crazy.
Draco: Like a fox. Mark me, Craigan, that woman knows exactly what she’s doing.
Craigan: Word is, she played the same sort of mind games with Zagrayas-- tricked him into losing his whole army.
Draco: Zagrayas was a fool. He didn’t know her. I, on the other hand, know Xena like I know my own face. Get some water for a bath.
Craigan: Shouldn’t we be preparing for something from Xena?
Draco: I am.
*smoldering Xena tries to convince Draco to the light side*
Draco: You and me? Ride together?
Xena: Why not? You said it yourself years ago. We’d be invincible.
Draco: The two of us-- united.
Xena: Mm-hmm.
Draco: Zeus. There wouldn’t be a-- a town or a village that could stand against us. But I thought you gave all that up.
Xena: I did. What I’m offering is a chance for you to ride with me.
Draco: And do what? Good? *Laughs* Where’s the profit in that?
Xena: You told me you tried to change once.
Draco: I did-- and almost got killed for my trouble.
Xena: Then try again. Tsk, oh-- with me, profit’s not always measured in gold.
*Xena and Draco are arm wrestling. :P ARM WRESTLING!*
Draco: By the gods! You _have_ gotten better.
Xena: Ahh-- so have you. I’d say we were pretty well matched.
Draco: I’ve been trying to tell you that for-- years. What took you so long?
Xena: If I’d known it’d be like this, I wouldn’t ‘a. You wanna go again?
Draco: You’re on.
*…and freshly “arrowed” Gabrielle and Joxer…well, you get the picture :P*
Gabrielle: Come on, Joxer. Please, just one more time?
Joxer: You really love it, don’t you?
Gabrielle: I love it.” The more I practice, the better I’ll get.
Joxer: Well-- I’m up for it. Except, this time, let’s do it together, OK? OK. *two start singing “Joxer the Mighty”*
*”arrowed” Gabrielle is distractible*
Gabrielle: You know-- I think I’ll have to know all the intimate details.
Joxer: You, uh-- you, you-- will?
Gabrielle: Uh-huh. It’s the first rule in the bard scrolls. You write what you know.
Joxer: Oh, uh-- well, uh-- you know-- that’s-- that’s-- very, uh-- that’s very wise advice because, ah-- hey, listen, uh-- sh-- shouldn’t we be keeping an eye out for uh-- for Xena—wherever she is?
Gabrielle: I’ve got my eye on something all right.
*while cooling off and talking to Gabby, Xena starts to realize that something is going on*
Gabrielle: What are you doing?
Xena: Hard to believe, but Joxer’s advice about a cold swim-- I’m taking it.
Gabrielle: That’s not hard to believe. No, no-- Joxer’s full of good ideas.
Xena: Huh-- no, I said Joxer.
Gabrielle: I know. He’s teaching me that wonderful song of his-- *starts singing again*
*the final love spell is in place, with Draco falling for Gabrielle, and the battle over the Hestian virgins begins*
Gabrielle: Back off! I am warning you! You touch me-- and you will be grist for the gorgons!
Draco: Oh, you’re quite a little spit-fire, aren’t you? The cat has claws.
Joxer: Hey! Ow! Hah-hah! He hurt my hand!
Gabrielle: Pookie!
Joxer: I know.
*Xena said it*
Xena: This love stuff is a real _pain_!
*subtext overdrive, with grapes and stems*
Gabrielle: Look! Cherries! Mmm-- I love cherries.
Draco: Me, too.
*Gabrielle isn’t so good at keeping a secret*
Draco: Who? Who are you in love with?
Gabrielle: Like, I’m gonna tell you?
Draco: Oh-- I won’t hurt him. Look-- I swear it! Even my enemies know me as a man of my word.
Gabrielle: Forget it. I tell you and Joxer’s as good as--
Draco: Joxer? J-- Joxer?! That pip-squeak?! I will kill him!
Gabrielle: No! You gave your word that you wouldn’t hurt him.
Draco: Oh, I won’t. I will cut his head off so fast-- he won’t feel a thing.
*”arrowed” Xena is a lovesick puppy, but at least she can still knock Draco out*
Xena: I’m sorry, Sweetie, that hurt me a lot more than it hurt you. ‘Sweetie’? Did I say, ‘Sweetie’? I’ve never used that word in my life before. But, he’s so cute.
*Draco isn’t necessarily forgiving*
Draco: Xena! A truce! We need to talk!
Xena: So talk.
Draco: I had the score of a decade. Then you show up, and not only _wreck_ it-- but you make me look bad in front of my woman.
Xena: Well, ain’t love a bitch?!
*Xena one-ups Draco when she gets word to the slave trader that they’re adding Gabrielle to the mix*
Pinullus: And where’s the Amazon?
Draco: There is no Amazon! This note is a fake!
Pinullus: What?!
Xena: Draco-- come on. Just because you wanna keep her for yourself doesn’t mean you can welsh on a deal.
Pinullus: She’s right.
Draco: She’s the one that faked the note! Oh, you are good. But, trust me, Pinullus! There is no Amazon Princess! *Gabrielle comes out in regalia*
Xena: Then, what’s she?
Draco: Gabrielle!
Pinullus: She’s magnificent. I’ll take her!
Draco: Touch her and die! That woman is mine!
Pinullus: So, Xena was right. You are trying to double-cross me.
*the Hestian virgins are “arrowed” while being pursued by the goons*
Warriors: What are they, bimbos?” “Don’t touch ‘em-- Draco’ll kill us! *run away*
Virgins: Where are they?” “Where did they go?” “Oh, boys-- olley, olley, oxen--free!
*truest words of the episode*
Draco: You’d say anything to win me, wouldn’t you?
Xena: No, but this happens to be true. Think about it.
Draco: I don’t need to think about it. I _know_ how I feel. And I won’t stop until I make Gabrielle feel the same way for me.” So, _give it up_, Xena! Stop trying to change me!
Xena: You’re right. You can’t change the one you love. So, wise up. Gabrielle could never love someone who lives off hurting others. You can’t change her. So, if you want to win her love-- you better change yourself.
*Cupid might win the subtext war*
Cupid: *finally captures Bliss* Oh, no you don’t. You’ve caused me quite enough trouble for one day, young man. Your mother and I have searched Olympus all over looking for you. So, you consider yourself grounded. OK?
Xena: About time you clipped his wings.
Cupid: Yeah, well, I was a little tied up.
Xena: Oh.
*Joxer true love reveal, as Cupid attempts to undo the “spell” on him*
Gabrielle: What’s going on?
Joxer: A love so deep, few have ever known it.
Gabrielle: What?!
Joxer: A love so deep, few have ever known it.
Xena: Cupid-- forget it. He’s for real.
*…and they decide to leave Draco as he is, for goodness’s sake :P*
Draco: I’ve tried to make you love me every way I can. But nothing’s worked. So now I’ll-- I’ll try it your way.
Gabrielle: My way?
Draco: Instead of hurting people, I’ll try and he-- I’ll try and help them. From now on, whenever I loot a town or raid a village, I’ll only kill the old people-- or-- maybe just the men over 50. Livestock? OK, all right, all right-- I’ll only kill-- other looters and raiders. Look, the point is-- everything I do will be for you. So, don’t forget me, Gabrielle. The gods know, I won’t forget you.
Xena: *to Cupid* Leave him. Love suits him.
*oblivious Gabrielle is hurtful (kudos to Ted Raimi’s acting!*)
Gabrielle: Can you imagine the two of us in love?
Joxer: Ridiculous.
Gabrielle: Yeah-- kind of makes you laugh just to think about it.
Joxer: Hah-hah.
___
Karl Urban returns to reprise his role as Cupid, though after this he will only be playing Caesar, I believe. Jay Laga’aia reprises his role as Draco; we last saw him in the premiere ep of the series, but he's one of the more charismatic warlord goons; he's a keeper!
It's a really kooky episode. Kinda made my head spin, in fact, about all the potentially serious issues (like the possibility of assault) of which it made light. But that's obviously not the point here--the point is to have some fun with subtext. The show is easing us slowly into the penultimate Xena/Gabrielle relationship. :p
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
So here's the bare bones plot of the thing--warlord Draco and his goons are after kidnapping Hestian virgins to sell to a slave trader. Xena and Gabrielle bump into Joxer and arrive to stop them. Elsewhere, Cupid's toddler, Bliss, doesn't want to sleep, but Cupid is anxious for some private time with his baby mama. So he's not really paying attention when he shuts the door--the kid is still awake and all eager to play with Daddy's bow and arrows. It almost feels like a re-telling of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer's Night Dream," where some immortals have fun at the expense of human love lives, but the show runners apparently were more into "A Comedy of Errors". (Get it? :p Cupid’s Roman name). Also, in case it needs mention, neither Bliss nor the idea of Hestian virgins are actually grounded in Greco-Roman tradition.
We start with the people of the town going kind of crazy--a boy falls for his wingman rather than his betrothed, a man falls for a donkey. Amusing slapstick backdrop as Xena and Gabrielle walk and drop exposition. :p. But let's get to Draco. I feel like his brief, albeit drugged, rekindling of affections with Xena was most compelling. Not the hit-you-over-the-head shenanigans of Gabrielle falling for Joxer, because they both play such goofballs, especially together. But...you could sort of see Xena and Draco legitimately falling in love! Xena, as she admits, has a history of falling for bad boys. (And Lucy, according to writer Chris Manheim, really enjoyed Jay; looks like some legitimate chemistry ). Xena and Draco even have a history! Meanwhile, on his end (though he's not "arowed,") how could he not fall for the warrior princess; both a military and romantic challenge? The characters have a bit in common in how they attempt to control situations. So that works. Draco falling for Gabrielle, of course, is a bit ridiculous. :p. Gotta love how he painstakingly tries to win her affections by slowly promising to kill fewer people when he pillages towns...just livestock?…ok just other looters. :p. We also got the hilarious "cherries" line, which influenced the disclaimer. In fact, Draco/Gabrielle reminds me of another Draco's romantic exploits--in fanfiction. :p
Speaking of Harry Potter crossover, is Gabrielle friends with Hermione? How else could she fit her entire Amazon headdress (convenient for the plot, sure, where Xena forces Draco to fight a warlord to save his new lady love,) into her little knapsack? I do appreciate the continuity of remembering that Gabs is an Amazon princess; the show even remembered how, in the premiere, Draco reminisced over attempting to turn good--didn't work so well. Something tells me his love spell won't do much better, but when the warrior princess brings Cupid to fix his son's mess, they decide to keep it on anyway. :p A lovesick Draco seems to be a less dangerous one—he even leaves Gabs alone at the end of the hour, content to pine from afar.
This episode is just packed with sexual frustration, including Xena "cooling off" in a lake as she tries to figure this thing out without falling letting her hormones get the best of her. Twice in a row, the show deals with misdirection--Xena and Draco's clothes are off, but they're just arm wrestling; Gabrielle and Joxer's clothes are off, but they're just lying in a meadow, learning Joxer's theme song. (Apparently Renee chewed on Ted Raimi's ear so bad that it turned black! :o. She also still really can't sing. :p). FemPop had a bit of a a problem with Gabrielle using Perdicas and her widowhood to try and stave off the warlord’s advances (had the opposite effect, of course). I myself found it a little button pushing that the Hestian virgins fell, “arrowed,” for the goons chasing them--who got a bit frightened once they themselves were turned into play. I suppose it was better to keep with the humorous theme of the eppy, rather than throwing in sexual violence.
Some other odds and ends, thanks to whoosh.org; Renee confirmed that the "cherries" were really grapes with stems, because they couldn't pause long enough to spit out the pits. Karl Urban said at DragonCon 2000 that the wings were glued to his back and left blisters; they were heeeeavy. He also, apparently, compared and contrasted Caesar and Cupid; Caesar is calculated, whereas Cupid is a live-in-the-moment 17-year-old. I suppose I myself wouldn't think to compare them, because Urban's Caesar was nuanced and fascinating; Cupid is just a bit of fun. :p Can’t wait to see the Roman general again! (And a note of my own—what exactly was the “mission” on which Xena sent Joxer? At first I thought it was to deliver the message to the slaver, but then he apparently came back with some guy the warrior princess wanted—we only ever see an arm, and then the whole storyline is dropped. Sheesh, one of your laziest attempts, show runners!)
I suppose I'm running out of steam here. But before I leave you to the real treat of this eppy, the hilarious dialogue, some words on Joxer. Apparently his love for Gabrielle is real. And I can buy that it legitimately snuck up on him; just because we hadn't seen evidence before doesn't mean it wasn’t building. Those two goofballs in a warrior's world have a bit in common, after all, and Meg's actress, though around, is busy playing another character. :p. I think it's telling, too, that Gabrielle remains oblivious to Joxer's feelings (she could never quite get her head around what was happening with the love spells, either,) but Xena got it, and even put a comforting hand on Joxer's shoulder. It's good development for this character, and I'm glad it'll stick. Joxer needs something a little deeper than just bumbling into dangerous situations in the Xenaverse. He will approach this Gabrielle thing with a bit more of a pensive, self-aware attitude, and that's great. The fans tend to either love or hate Joxer--I've always appreciated him myself--but giving him more to play with than comic relief promises to be intriguing. We’ll see how it goes next season!
Disclaimer No Cherries were harmed in the making of this motion picture.
Favorite Quotes:
*Cupid tries to explain sexytimes to a toddler*
Cupid: I know, I know, I know. When I was your age, I hated going to bed, too, you know. When you get to be my age, and, uh-- going to bed takes on a-- a whole new meaning—you know?
Wife’s Voice: Cupid, I’m waiting.
Cupid: OK, look-- this could _really_ work out for you, you know? Here’s the deal. Here’s the deal. You go to bed, and _give_ your mother and me a chance, and you might just end up with a _little_ baby brother, or-- or a sister, huh? Wouldn’t that be cool?
Bliss: No.
*Xena and Gabrielle throw us a softball of subtext to start the eppy*
Gabrielle: Think of the faith it takes to be one of them.
Xena: Yeah, not to mention the other requirement.
Gabrielle: Just between you and me, being chaste can be real hard.
Xena: Chaste?
Gabrielle: Hmm.
Xena: No, I was talking about having to answer to that stupid bell your whole life.
Gabrielle: That too-- yeah.
*formerly anti-love Xena, who, after being “arrowed,” lays a smooch on Draco*
Draco: That was quite a welcome. What’d I do to deserve that?
Man’s Voice: I can’t believe Xena kissed him!
Xena: It’s what you’re not gonna do that earned it-- and a lot more.
Draco: I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna do. I’m not gonna let you foul up the biggest score of my life. That’s what I’m not gonna do.
Xena: You forced things between us once before, remember?
Joxer: _What_ is she _doing_?
Draco: I remember.
Gabrielle: It’s all part of her plan.
Draco: Everything.
Gabrielle: I hope.
*Joxer gives advice that Xena ends up using later*
Gabrielle: What’s wrong with you?
Xena: Nothing that a good workout won’t cure.
Joxer: Hey, uh-- try the lake. A cold swim usually helps. Hah-hah-hah-hah-- so I’ve been, uh-- told.
*un-arrowed Draco knows how to deal with his old lover/nemesis*
Craigan: Draco! Thank the gods! When you didn’t return right away, we thought-- well-- they say Xena’s crazy.
Draco: Like a fox. Mark me, Craigan, that woman knows exactly what she’s doing.
Craigan: Word is, she played the same sort of mind games with Zagrayas-- tricked him into losing his whole army.
Draco: Zagrayas was a fool. He didn’t know her. I, on the other hand, know Xena like I know my own face. Get some water for a bath.
Craigan: Shouldn’t we be preparing for something from Xena?
Draco: I am.
*smoldering Xena tries to convince Draco to the light side*
Draco: You and me? Ride together?
Xena: Why not? You said it yourself years ago. We’d be invincible.
Draco: The two of us-- united.
Xena: Mm-hmm.
Draco: Zeus. There wouldn’t be a-- a town or a village that could stand against us. But I thought you gave all that up.
Xena: I did. What I’m offering is a chance for you to ride with me.
Draco: And do what? Good? *Laughs* Where’s the profit in that?
Xena: You told me you tried to change once.
Draco: I did-- and almost got killed for my trouble.
Xena: Then try again. Tsk, oh-- with me, profit’s not always measured in gold.
*Xena and Draco are arm wrestling. :P ARM WRESTLING!*
Draco: By the gods! You _have_ gotten better.
Xena: Ahh-- so have you. I’d say we were pretty well matched.
Draco: I’ve been trying to tell you that for-- years. What took you so long?
Xena: If I’d known it’d be like this, I wouldn’t ‘a. You wanna go again?
Draco: You’re on.
*…and freshly “arrowed” Gabrielle and Joxer…well, you get the picture :P*
Gabrielle: Come on, Joxer. Please, just one more time?
Joxer: You really love it, don’t you?
Gabrielle: I love it.” The more I practice, the better I’ll get.
Joxer: Well-- I’m up for it. Except, this time, let’s do it together, OK? OK. *two start singing “Joxer the Mighty”*
*”arrowed” Gabrielle is distractible*
Gabrielle: You know-- I think I’ll have to know all the intimate details.
Joxer: You, uh-- you, you-- will?
Gabrielle: Uh-huh. It’s the first rule in the bard scrolls. You write what you know.
Joxer: Oh, uh-- well, uh-- you know-- that’s-- that’s-- very, uh-- that’s very wise advice because, ah-- hey, listen, uh-- sh-- shouldn’t we be keeping an eye out for uh-- for Xena—wherever she is?
Gabrielle: I’ve got my eye on something all right.
*while cooling off and talking to Gabby, Xena starts to realize that something is going on*
Gabrielle: What are you doing?
Xena: Hard to believe, but Joxer’s advice about a cold swim-- I’m taking it.
Gabrielle: That’s not hard to believe. No, no-- Joxer’s full of good ideas.
Xena: Huh-- no, I said Joxer.
Gabrielle: I know. He’s teaching me that wonderful song of his-- *starts singing again*
*the final love spell is in place, with Draco falling for Gabrielle, and the battle over the Hestian virgins begins*
Gabrielle: Back off! I am warning you! You touch me-- and you will be grist for the gorgons!
Draco: Oh, you’re quite a little spit-fire, aren’t you? The cat has claws.
Joxer: Hey! Ow! Hah-hah! He hurt my hand!
Gabrielle: Pookie!
Joxer: I know.
*Xena said it*
Xena: This love stuff is a real _pain_!
*subtext overdrive, with grapes and stems*
Gabrielle: Look! Cherries! Mmm-- I love cherries.
Draco: Me, too.
*Gabrielle isn’t so good at keeping a secret*
Draco: Who? Who are you in love with?
Gabrielle: Like, I’m gonna tell you?
Draco: Oh-- I won’t hurt him. Look-- I swear it! Even my enemies know me as a man of my word.
Gabrielle: Forget it. I tell you and Joxer’s as good as--
Draco: Joxer? J-- Joxer?! That pip-squeak?! I will kill him!
Gabrielle: No! You gave your word that you wouldn’t hurt him.
Draco: Oh, I won’t. I will cut his head off so fast-- he won’t feel a thing.
*”arrowed” Xena is a lovesick puppy, but at least she can still knock Draco out*
Xena: I’m sorry, Sweetie, that hurt me a lot more than it hurt you. ‘Sweetie’? Did I say, ‘Sweetie’? I’ve never used that word in my life before. But, he’s so cute.
*Draco isn’t necessarily forgiving*
Draco: Xena! A truce! We need to talk!
Xena: So talk.
Draco: I had the score of a decade. Then you show up, and not only _wreck_ it-- but you make me look bad in front of my woman.
Xena: Well, ain’t love a bitch?!
*Xena one-ups Draco when she gets word to the slave trader that they’re adding Gabrielle to the mix*
Pinullus: And where’s the Amazon?
Draco: There is no Amazon! This note is a fake!
Pinullus: What?!
Xena: Draco-- come on. Just because you wanna keep her for yourself doesn’t mean you can welsh on a deal.
Pinullus: She’s right.
Draco: She’s the one that faked the note! Oh, you are good. But, trust me, Pinullus! There is no Amazon Princess! *Gabrielle comes out in regalia*
Xena: Then, what’s she?
Draco: Gabrielle!
Pinullus: She’s magnificent. I’ll take her!
Draco: Touch her and die! That woman is mine!
Pinullus: So, Xena was right. You are trying to double-cross me.
*the Hestian virgins are “arrowed” while being pursued by the goons*
Warriors: What are they, bimbos?” “Don’t touch ‘em-- Draco’ll kill us! *run away*
Virgins: Where are they?” “Where did they go?” “Oh, boys-- olley, olley, oxen--free!
*truest words of the episode*
Draco: You’d say anything to win me, wouldn’t you?
Xena: No, but this happens to be true. Think about it.
Draco: I don’t need to think about it. I _know_ how I feel. And I won’t stop until I make Gabrielle feel the same way for me.” So, _give it up_, Xena! Stop trying to change me!
Xena: You’re right. You can’t change the one you love. So, wise up. Gabrielle could never love someone who lives off hurting others. You can’t change her. So, if you want to win her love-- you better change yourself.
*Cupid might win the subtext war*
Cupid: *finally captures Bliss* Oh, no you don’t. You’ve caused me quite enough trouble for one day, young man. Your mother and I have searched Olympus all over looking for you. So, you consider yourself grounded. OK?
Xena: About time you clipped his wings.
Cupid: Yeah, well, I was a little tied up.
Xena: Oh.
*Joxer true love reveal, as Cupid attempts to undo the “spell” on him*
Gabrielle: What’s going on?
Joxer: A love so deep, few have ever known it.
Gabrielle: What?!
Joxer: A love so deep, few have ever known it.
Xena: Cupid-- forget it. He’s for real.
*…and they decide to leave Draco as he is, for goodness’s sake :P*
Draco: I’ve tried to make you love me every way I can. But nothing’s worked. So now I’ll-- I’ll try it your way.
Gabrielle: My way?
Draco: Instead of hurting people, I’ll try and he-- I’ll try and help them. From now on, whenever I loot a town or raid a village, I’ll only kill the old people-- or-- maybe just the men over 50. Livestock? OK, all right, all right-- I’ll only kill-- other looters and raiders. Look, the point is-- everything I do will be for you. So, don’t forget me, Gabrielle. The gods know, I won’t forget you.
Xena: *to Cupid* Leave him. Love suits him.
*oblivious Gabrielle is hurtful (kudos to Ted Raimi’s acting!*)
Gabrielle: Can you imagine the two of us in love?
Joxer: Ridiculous.
Gabrielle: Yeah-- kind of makes you laugh just to think about it.
Joxer: Hah-hah.
___
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