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scifi_rewatch…honestly, I’m a little so-so about “The Titans.” Hyperion’s character is fun (and I absolutely love his interactions with Xena and Gabrielle.) But the other two are so…bland. They make a semi-big deal about mindlessly following Gab’s orders in the beginning, but then when their compatriot starts destroying the village, they hardly bat an eyebrow. They make a little whiney noise from time to time, but it’s quite clear that Hyperion is the alpha male. :P I guess the show producers decided to make the Titans as cavalier as the Greco-Roman gods of myth (and of the show!)
That being said, I adore the “fighting, learning, sharing and caring” scenes between Xena and Gabrielle, and I liked the very human conflicts of some of the villagers. So, without any further ado!
Xena, in the midst of closing in on some thugs, tells Gabrielle to vamoose with Argo. As Gabby leads the horse off for some awkward R&R, Xena sneaks up on these bandits, one of which recognizes her. “You know how much I care about you, Hessiod,” Xena says silkily. She then flips up a tree so she can land behind his goons, and proceeds to kick the stuffing out of them, as per usual. Hessiod ends up escaping when he knocks a passing peasant off his horse, and Xena whistles for Argo. Nothing happens. Finally, Gab leads the horse back into the scene and Xena testily takes the reigns. Now Hessiod has a head start. “Don’t be sorry, Gabrielle…just improve,” says mentor Xena, riding off.
Gabrielle walks, dejected and alone. She hears some chanting coming out of a cave and decides to investigate. A woman, standing between a circle of monks and some impressively huge-looking statues carved into the wall, is chanting a religious phrase in Greek (though apparently in reality, it’s just a string of random words. :P) As the girl finishes, the crowd stares hopefully at the statues…nothing’s happening. They start lamenting that it’s hopeless and that their village is doomed. What is it that they’re doing wrong?
“It’s the pronunciation,” Gabrielle ventures from the back. The crowd turns to stare at her. She’s sheepish about intruding, but we know Gab; she can’t shut her trap. :P She takes the scroll and recites with a lot of bravado and chest-thrusting, and putting the emphasis on the first syllable. She barely has time to bask in doing something right for the day when the walls start shaking! Stones crumble, torches ignite, and three huge titans walk out of their casings. The priests and Gabrielle stand dumbfounded.
One of the titans, the older male named Crias, asks who freed them. “This virgin,” a priest, Phyleus, says, which seems to unnerve Gab more than seeing ancient immortals awaken from stone. :P The titans then bow to her, the second male Hyperion a little less willingly than the first two. “We honor you, o great goddess,” Crias intones. “We are your servants to command.” Uh oh. I can see this going wrong rather soon. Gabrielle’s getting into this, though, and tells them of her best friend’s latest pursuits.
Elsewhere, Xena makes quick work of tracking Hessiod down to the show’s version of angry chick music, beating up on his cronies in their hideaway tavern, and tying him up, presumably to take him to some sort of justice center. Some things just come easily to people. :P But just in case she needed help, yanno, Gabrielle has Crias tear the roof off! Everyone runs outside, only to be stopped dead in their tracks by the massive titans. Gabrielle stands smugly before them; “disperse of these ruffians!” is her command. Crias leans down and flicks one of Hessiod’s cronies into the others, kind of like miniature bowling pins. Off they run, leaving Xena, Hessiod, and Gabrielle’s village posse with the titans. Gabrielle introduces Xena and gives Crias a frank talking-to when he calls her “the virgin goddess”; “It’s kind of personal.” :P Hessiod almost outs the girl as human, but Xena kicks him in the shin just in time. The villagers have told Gabs of their problems that they hope the titans will help out with, so she gives more imperious commands; clear the well and fortify the dam! “Then I’ll see you when your chores are done.” The villagers are treating Gabrielle like the quarterback who won the game, but Xena looks like she wants to give her a dose of reality. What has this little fake goddess gotten herself into?
Hyperion is pissed off about his duties; he’s not meant to “play in the mud.” He tries to get some PDA with the woman, Thea, instead, but Crias shooes him off. He’s convinced that Gabrielle is a goddess, and he wants to help her. Hyperion disagrees, and he’s no fan of humans anyway. But Thea’s always kind of liked them; besides who wants to piss off the goddess? “Who knows what destructive powers she may possess!”
Cue to Gab, of course, and her… not-so-destructive powers of being unable to crack a walnut with her fist. :P She’s still basking in the villagers’ glow, so she starts weaving a tale of the future, traveling the world with the titans, “solving all mankind’s problems, wherever we go!” It’s one of her more naïve moments. :P Hessiod laughs at her, pointing out that Hyperion seems to be no fan of hers. Gab still doesn’t get it. “He’s saying he recognizes a kindred spirit when he sees one,” Xena chimes in. “Maybe there’s a reason the gods encased them in stone.” Greco-Roman mythology 101. Gabrielle shrugs it off, but Xena’s back in mentoring mode; with great power comes great responsibility, saysUncle Ben the Warrior Princess. :P How will she keep convincing them that she’s a goddess? Phyleus, who has been becoming increasingly dewey-eyed over Gabrielle, claims if anyone can do it, she can. “She has the heart of a goddess!” Aww, this eppy’s boy toy!
Earthquake stomping signifies that the titans are back. Gabrielle tells them they’ve deserved a rest, and that they can call her by her name; “save the ‘holy one’ stuff for formal occasions.” Hyperion’s had enough, though. He wants her to use her “godly powers” to summon up a feast for them. Gabrielle says she doesn’t want to, and that they’ll have to share with the villagers. They argue back and forth a few times, Gabs trying so valiantly to look tough in front of a creature the size of a building. :P Finally he leans down and clear blows her over…I mean literally. :P This is proof she’s not a goddess! What kind of goddess would allow herself to be blown down? Let’s take all the food and take the girl, too, Hyperion says.
Time for Xena to step in. “Let’s just say I’m the sacred one’s protector,” she introduces herself. Hyperion gets ready to stomp on them! But Xena runs her sword through his foot, kind of like a nail! That’s gotta hurt. The villagers run for cover as Hyperion destroys their structures in a rage. So much for solving problems, Gab. :-/ Then he chases after Phyleus and the ladies as they run out in the open. I like the shots here; the aerial ones for the humans, and the slow, hulking ones for Hyperion. Phyleus at least knows where he’s going. He leads Xena, Gabrielle, and everyone else to a temple that stops Hyperion in his tracks. He explains that the titans will leave them be here, because the temple honors their brother, Cronus (aka Zeus’s daddy.) Score!
Hyperion decides to bury his woes by canoodling Thea in front of her ex, Crias. I love what an insecure little bully Hyperion is. :P But he’s still preoccupied with the “warrior woman”; she needs to die so that they can take Gabrielle for another chant. *gulp* How’s that? Cliff hanger!
Xena is tending to wounded in the temple when Hyperion’s voice booms out from outside; bring him the warrior woman or he’ll destroy all humans who cross his path! Whoever does this, “I will make kings of the earth.” Wonder how the gods would respond to that. :P The villagers are suddenly far less friendly to Xena and Gabrielle than they were before. “Why don’t you just leave,” a woman spits to the warrior princess, “and take her with you!” Phyleus seems to be the only person as smitten with Gab as he was before. Young love. Gabrielle is guilty about all the destruction she inadvertently caused. “You’re such a noble spirit,” Phyleus swoons. “You’re a couple of idiots if you ask me,” Hessiod opines. His advice for Xena re: the titans is, “If you can’t beat them, join them. And, uh, if you’re looking for a lieutenant, I volunteer.” :P Gotta appreciate this guy’s forwardness, at least.
The villagers have started freaking out; they remember that a couple priests took a gaggle of schoolchildren for a hike this morning, and they haven’t returned yet! Time to fear for the worst. The kids are indeed traipsing down a nature path when they happen upon Hyperion. Their chaperones, one who looks unnervingly like Obi-Wan Kenobi for such a coward, turn and flee. Someone should take them off the monk payroll! The kids are left to be herded into the cave by the bully Titan. He tells his compatriots that he’s going to kill them. “Why children?” Thea asks, appalled. Hyperion shrugs; “saves us trouble later on.” Nice, dude. Crias finally decides to take a stand, barreling into Hyperion and sending rocks flying about again. Kids aren’t exactly safer here!
Xena has left to save the kiddies, leaving Hessiod under the control of a villager, Rhodos. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Give them Xena! Hessiod urges the other man. Don’t stay here to die. I can help. We pan, disquietingly, to Gabrielle, who has taken up the mantle of helping the wounded.
The warrior princess arrives at the cave; the stagalites have started falling like lethal stone icicles. Xena rushes in, shielding her face, and his able to herd the kids out unseen amidst the chaos. Hyperion stabs Crias to death with a stagalite, despite Thea’s pleas. There’s one less ally for the humans here.
Kiddies and Xena return to the cave, where the former group is greeted by their parents. Xena’s welcome is decidedly less friendly; some villagers drop a net on her and restrain Gabby as she tries to help. Not exactly the best way to say thank you, guys! :-/ Xena kicks for freedom but Hessiod has new thugs now, and they’re able to crowd in on her and bop her unconscious.
Hessiod and Rhodos cart a wicker casket—guess who’s inside—down the road to meet the titans. They’re fantasizing about all their new kingdoms. “Think he’ll let me take Sparta?” “Just Sparta?” “Maybe Sparta and Argos!” Sheesh, who’s the fool now. Meanwhile Xena’s struggling in her restraints. Hessiod leaves Rhodos with her as he approaches Hyperion on his own. He’s got guts, I’ll give him that. And also more sense than I gave him credit for; “I don’t expect you to make me a king—I just want to be your associate.” Clever guy. He also calls Rhodos “expendable.” :P There’s only one little snaf-oo Hessiod didn’t count on…guess who’s escaped her wicker prison? And guess who’s fist smashes him and Rhodos like two bugs? …so long, Hessiod. For a one-episode villain, you actually had a little sense.
Xena goes to the cave to spy on the remaining two titans; Hyperion tries awkwardly to comfort Thea in the wake of Crias’s death. He wants her with him when he goes against the gods, but Thea is just too distraught over everything. Crias was weak! Hyperion claims. He liked humans. “Well maybe I do, too!” (Nice sentiment…now could you go help a bunch of humans, Thea?) Hyperion scoffs; they’re just cowards and thieves who would turn on them. “You’ll never win a war against the gods if you kill all your compatriots,” Thea points out. Hyperion shrugs off Crias’s demise; he was just one titan when “soon, we will awaken hundreds.” Nice wide shot of the cave where, assumedly, more stone titans are resting. Meanwhile, now we know what Hyperion still wants Gab for.
Gab and Phyleus are tied up for the moment. :P I mean literally. The villagers are divided on their plan to sell the two of them to the titans, but Xena returns to tell them that the titans will have “no mercy;” unlike her, apparently, who doesn’t seek retribution. I love how understated this all is. Anywho. As for Hessiod and Rhodos? The two of them “are now just stains in the dirt.” She unties her friends and tells everyone else what she overheard of Hyperion’s plan. The villagers ask forgiveness, aww. They set to work on building a weapon to defeat the titans, with Xena as their leader.
Gabrielle and Phyleus approach the warrior princess, and between their flirting they pose the idea of sneaking the battling bard in to read a scroll that will turn the titans back to stone. But Xena poo-poos the idea, leaving Gabs to sigh to Phyleus, “she has no respect for me.” Later on, after a rest, Xena wakes the villagers and finds Gabs and Phyleus snuggled up suggestively on a bed. Gabrielle taunts her friend; what’s wrong with getting a little “risky” under the sheets? Xena brushes it off as unimportant right now, but it’s obvious she’s a little disturbed. I just love how this whole scene played out, giving Xena/Gabs some natural relationship complications amidst a full storyline.
Gabs sneaks off into the night! Thea is sleeping—or so she thinks—when she sneaks over to grab the right scroll. But what do you know, a wicker box comes crashing in on her. Thea’s changed sides! :-O Though she doesn’t want to hurt Gabby (making a less-than-interested Hyperion swear to it,) she’s standing behind her man now. Ugh. Hyperion is more interested in finding the scroll that Gabs read from before; he thrusts it at the girl. “I don’t know this kind of language,” the babbling bard babbles…Hyperion ain’t falling for that.
In the temple Phyleus tells Xena that Gabs has gone, and Xena knows immediately where she went and why. The villagers hoist their mysterious weapon onto their shoulders and set off for the cave, worrying about encountering thousands of titans once they get there. “On the bright side, if anyone can stall it’s Gabrielle,” Xena opines.
Indeed, Gabrielle is recounting the story of the titan war against the gods. Thea is entranced and Hyperion is tolerating it for her sake. :P Now it’s time to read from the scroll. The villagers cart in the weapon, unnoticed. Gabs starts chanting and when nothing happens, Hyperion accuses her of deliberately saying it wrong. He’s getting increasingly frustrated; this should work if it’s said by the same virgin! “Well, there’s your problem,” Gabrielle offers a little too eagerly. “I’m not a virgin anymore!” :-O “You little harlot!” is Hyperion’s reply. Things are about to get ugly, but Xena steps in to bop him on the head with a rock. Hyperion is even more enraged, chasing Xena around the cave, but it’s a trap! When he reaches in with his hand to grab her, the villagers are able to use their weapon—a latch for his hand. He’s now stuck in place! Xena climbs on his hand to deliver the killing blow; damn does that lady hold power well. But Thea begs her not to kill Hyperion; just turn them back into stone again. Hyperion scoffs; that won’t work anyway, since Gabs is no longer a virgin. …but it turns out that Gabby lied about that *shew* I mean, Phyleus seems like a sweet kid, but really? Just some one-note character for my Gab? I don’t think so. :P
Xena leaps off to gather the right scroll for Gabrielle…but Hyperion breaks free! He tries to snatch the scroll from her, ripping it clean in half. Enter “do or die” tactics; first Xena reads the words to Gab and Gab repeats them correctly. But when they run out of scroll, Xena snags a rope to a stagalite and swings herself over to where Hyperion flung the other half. Indiana Jones style! :P Hyperion has turned his attention to Gabrielle, going after her with a rock! So Xena swings into him, knocking him into a conveniently-placed chasm. Gabrielle finishes the chant and when Hyperion’s hand comes up, it turns to stone. Meanwhile Thea turns to stone resignedly, kind of like the way she lived her brief life. She was a pretty boring character, and she looked like Peg Bundy. :P
Gabrielle is telling Phyleus that Xena saved the day again, but Phyleus assures her that she couldn’t have done it without the help of her best friend. The two of them almost kiss, kind of like how they almost have sex but don’t. :P (“You were almost my first” is their joint admission.) He’s a nice kid, but I don’t see this relationship going anywhere. Gabrielle doesn’t even say goodbye before she goes to rejoin Xena. She tells her friend she went into the cave to make up for what she did, but of course Xena already knows that. “Your heart is always in the right place.” Gabrielle starts listing off her faults—like babbling—but Xena brushes it off; “we’re friends. We shouldn’t let things like that come between us.” Aaw. So much more real than the Phyleus scenes. Xena’s final line, though, is “Don’t ever touch my horse again.” :P
It’s a cute episode; I like the dimension given to Hessiod and the villagers, and Hyperion, as I mentioned, is fun. At first it seems like Xena is able to succeed at everything too easily and Gabrielle is always a klutz (though an amusingly sassy one), but there will be upcoming episodes when those roles are reversed (maybe later in the series as opposed to earlier. :P) I like the way they explore friendship here; how you can get on each other’s nerves, yet how you mean well and keep looking after one another. And poor Gab’s sex life. She really starts off the show so innocent.
___
That being said, I adore the “fighting, learning, sharing and caring” scenes between Xena and Gabrielle, and I liked the very human conflicts of some of the villagers. So, without any further ado!
Xena, in the midst of closing in on some thugs, tells Gabrielle to vamoose with Argo. As Gabby leads the horse off for some awkward R&R, Xena sneaks up on these bandits, one of which recognizes her. “You know how much I care about you, Hessiod,” Xena says silkily. She then flips up a tree so she can land behind his goons, and proceeds to kick the stuffing out of them, as per usual. Hessiod ends up escaping when he knocks a passing peasant off his horse, and Xena whistles for Argo. Nothing happens. Finally, Gab leads the horse back into the scene and Xena testily takes the reigns. Now Hessiod has a head start. “Don’t be sorry, Gabrielle…just improve,” says mentor Xena, riding off.
Gabrielle walks, dejected and alone. She hears some chanting coming out of a cave and decides to investigate. A woman, standing between a circle of monks and some impressively huge-looking statues carved into the wall, is chanting a religious phrase in Greek (though apparently in reality, it’s just a string of random words. :P) As the girl finishes, the crowd stares hopefully at the statues…nothing’s happening. They start lamenting that it’s hopeless and that their village is doomed. What is it that they’re doing wrong?
“It’s the pronunciation,” Gabrielle ventures from the back. The crowd turns to stare at her. She’s sheepish about intruding, but we know Gab; she can’t shut her trap. :P She takes the scroll and recites with a lot of bravado and chest-thrusting, and putting the emphasis on the first syllable. She barely has time to bask in doing something right for the day when the walls start shaking! Stones crumble, torches ignite, and three huge titans walk out of their casings. The priests and Gabrielle stand dumbfounded.
One of the titans, the older male named Crias, asks who freed them. “This virgin,” a priest, Phyleus, says, which seems to unnerve Gab more than seeing ancient immortals awaken from stone. :P The titans then bow to her, the second male Hyperion a little less willingly than the first two. “We honor you, o great goddess,” Crias intones. “We are your servants to command.” Uh oh. I can see this going wrong rather soon. Gabrielle’s getting into this, though, and tells them of her best friend’s latest pursuits.
Elsewhere, Xena makes quick work of tracking Hessiod down to the show’s version of angry chick music, beating up on his cronies in their hideaway tavern, and tying him up, presumably to take him to some sort of justice center. Some things just come easily to people. :P But just in case she needed help, yanno, Gabrielle has Crias tear the roof off! Everyone runs outside, only to be stopped dead in their tracks by the massive titans. Gabrielle stands smugly before them; “disperse of these ruffians!” is her command. Crias leans down and flicks one of Hessiod’s cronies into the others, kind of like miniature bowling pins. Off they run, leaving Xena, Hessiod, and Gabrielle’s village posse with the titans. Gabrielle introduces Xena and gives Crias a frank talking-to when he calls her “the virgin goddess”; “It’s kind of personal.” :P Hessiod almost outs the girl as human, but Xena kicks him in the shin just in time. The villagers have told Gabs of their problems that they hope the titans will help out with, so she gives more imperious commands; clear the well and fortify the dam! “Then I’ll see you when your chores are done.” The villagers are treating Gabrielle like the quarterback who won the game, but Xena looks like she wants to give her a dose of reality. What has this little fake goddess gotten herself into?
Hyperion is pissed off about his duties; he’s not meant to “play in the mud.” He tries to get some PDA with the woman, Thea, instead, but Crias shooes him off. He’s convinced that Gabrielle is a goddess, and he wants to help her. Hyperion disagrees, and he’s no fan of humans anyway. But Thea’s always kind of liked them; besides who wants to piss off the goddess? “Who knows what destructive powers she may possess!”
Cue to Gab, of course, and her… not-so-destructive powers of being unable to crack a walnut with her fist. :P She’s still basking in the villagers’ glow, so she starts weaving a tale of the future, traveling the world with the titans, “solving all mankind’s problems, wherever we go!” It’s one of her more naïve moments. :P Hessiod laughs at her, pointing out that Hyperion seems to be no fan of hers. Gab still doesn’t get it. “He’s saying he recognizes a kindred spirit when he sees one,” Xena chimes in. “Maybe there’s a reason the gods encased them in stone.” Greco-Roman mythology 101. Gabrielle shrugs it off, but Xena’s back in mentoring mode; with great power comes great responsibility, says
Earthquake stomping signifies that the titans are back. Gabrielle tells them they’ve deserved a rest, and that they can call her by her name; “save the ‘holy one’ stuff for formal occasions.” Hyperion’s had enough, though. He wants her to use her “godly powers” to summon up a feast for them. Gabrielle says she doesn’t want to, and that they’ll have to share with the villagers. They argue back and forth a few times, Gabs trying so valiantly to look tough in front of a creature the size of a building. :P Finally he leans down and clear blows her over…I mean literally. :P This is proof she’s not a goddess! What kind of goddess would allow herself to be blown down? Let’s take all the food and take the girl, too, Hyperion says.
Time for Xena to step in. “Let’s just say I’m the sacred one’s protector,” she introduces herself. Hyperion gets ready to stomp on them! But Xena runs her sword through his foot, kind of like a nail! That’s gotta hurt. The villagers run for cover as Hyperion destroys their structures in a rage. So much for solving problems, Gab. :-/ Then he chases after Phyleus and the ladies as they run out in the open. I like the shots here; the aerial ones for the humans, and the slow, hulking ones for Hyperion. Phyleus at least knows where he’s going. He leads Xena, Gabrielle, and everyone else to a temple that stops Hyperion in his tracks. He explains that the titans will leave them be here, because the temple honors their brother, Cronus (aka Zeus’s daddy.) Score!
Hyperion decides to bury his woes by canoodling Thea in front of her ex, Crias. I love what an insecure little bully Hyperion is. :P But he’s still preoccupied with the “warrior woman”; she needs to die so that they can take Gabrielle for another chant. *gulp* How’s that? Cliff hanger!
Xena is tending to wounded in the temple when Hyperion’s voice booms out from outside; bring him the warrior woman or he’ll destroy all humans who cross his path! Whoever does this, “I will make kings of the earth.” Wonder how the gods would respond to that. :P The villagers are suddenly far less friendly to Xena and Gabrielle than they were before. “Why don’t you just leave,” a woman spits to the warrior princess, “and take her with you!” Phyleus seems to be the only person as smitten with Gab as he was before. Young love. Gabrielle is guilty about all the destruction she inadvertently caused. “You’re such a noble spirit,” Phyleus swoons. “You’re a couple of idiots if you ask me,” Hessiod opines. His advice for Xena re: the titans is, “If you can’t beat them, join them. And, uh, if you’re looking for a lieutenant, I volunteer.” :P Gotta appreciate this guy’s forwardness, at least.
The villagers have started freaking out; they remember that a couple priests took a gaggle of schoolchildren for a hike this morning, and they haven’t returned yet! Time to fear for the worst. The kids are indeed traipsing down a nature path when they happen upon Hyperion. Their chaperones, one who looks unnervingly like Obi-Wan Kenobi for such a coward, turn and flee. Someone should take them off the monk payroll! The kids are left to be herded into the cave by the bully Titan. He tells his compatriots that he’s going to kill them. “Why children?” Thea asks, appalled. Hyperion shrugs; “saves us trouble later on.” Nice, dude. Crias finally decides to take a stand, barreling into Hyperion and sending rocks flying about again. Kids aren’t exactly safer here!
Xena has left to save the kiddies, leaving Hessiod under the control of a villager, Rhodos. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Give them Xena! Hessiod urges the other man. Don’t stay here to die. I can help. We pan, disquietingly, to Gabrielle, who has taken up the mantle of helping the wounded.
The warrior princess arrives at the cave; the stagalites have started falling like lethal stone icicles. Xena rushes in, shielding her face, and his able to herd the kids out unseen amidst the chaos. Hyperion stabs Crias to death with a stagalite, despite Thea’s pleas. There’s one less ally for the humans here.
Kiddies and Xena return to the cave, where the former group is greeted by their parents. Xena’s welcome is decidedly less friendly; some villagers drop a net on her and restrain Gabby as she tries to help. Not exactly the best way to say thank you, guys! :-/ Xena kicks for freedom but Hessiod has new thugs now, and they’re able to crowd in on her and bop her unconscious.
Hessiod and Rhodos cart a wicker casket—guess who’s inside—down the road to meet the titans. They’re fantasizing about all their new kingdoms. “Think he’ll let me take Sparta?” “Just Sparta?” “Maybe Sparta and Argos!” Sheesh, who’s the fool now. Meanwhile Xena’s struggling in her restraints. Hessiod leaves Rhodos with her as he approaches Hyperion on his own. He’s got guts, I’ll give him that. And also more sense than I gave him credit for; “I don’t expect you to make me a king—I just want to be your associate.” Clever guy. He also calls Rhodos “expendable.” :P There’s only one little snaf-oo Hessiod didn’t count on…guess who’s escaped her wicker prison? And guess who’s fist smashes him and Rhodos like two bugs? …so long, Hessiod. For a one-episode villain, you actually had a little sense.
Xena goes to the cave to spy on the remaining two titans; Hyperion tries awkwardly to comfort Thea in the wake of Crias’s death. He wants her with him when he goes against the gods, but Thea is just too distraught over everything. Crias was weak! Hyperion claims. He liked humans. “Well maybe I do, too!” (Nice sentiment…now could you go help a bunch of humans, Thea?) Hyperion scoffs; they’re just cowards and thieves who would turn on them. “You’ll never win a war against the gods if you kill all your compatriots,” Thea points out. Hyperion shrugs off Crias’s demise; he was just one titan when “soon, we will awaken hundreds.” Nice wide shot of the cave where, assumedly, more stone titans are resting. Meanwhile, now we know what Hyperion still wants Gab for.
Gab and Phyleus are tied up for the moment. :P I mean literally. The villagers are divided on their plan to sell the two of them to the titans, but Xena returns to tell them that the titans will have “no mercy;” unlike her, apparently, who doesn’t seek retribution. I love how understated this all is. Anywho. As for Hessiod and Rhodos? The two of them “are now just stains in the dirt.” She unties her friends and tells everyone else what she overheard of Hyperion’s plan. The villagers ask forgiveness, aww. They set to work on building a weapon to defeat the titans, with Xena as their leader.
Gabrielle and Phyleus approach the warrior princess, and between their flirting they pose the idea of sneaking the battling bard in to read a scroll that will turn the titans back to stone. But Xena poo-poos the idea, leaving Gabs to sigh to Phyleus, “she has no respect for me.” Later on, after a rest, Xena wakes the villagers and finds Gabs and Phyleus snuggled up suggestively on a bed. Gabrielle taunts her friend; what’s wrong with getting a little “risky” under the sheets? Xena brushes it off as unimportant right now, but it’s obvious she’s a little disturbed. I just love how this whole scene played out, giving Xena/Gabs some natural relationship complications amidst a full storyline.
Gabs sneaks off into the night! Thea is sleeping—or so she thinks—when she sneaks over to grab the right scroll. But what do you know, a wicker box comes crashing in on her. Thea’s changed sides! :-O Though she doesn’t want to hurt Gabby (making a less-than-interested Hyperion swear to it,) she’s standing behind her man now. Ugh. Hyperion is more interested in finding the scroll that Gabs read from before; he thrusts it at the girl. “I don’t know this kind of language,” the babbling bard babbles…Hyperion ain’t falling for that.
In the temple Phyleus tells Xena that Gabs has gone, and Xena knows immediately where she went and why. The villagers hoist their mysterious weapon onto their shoulders and set off for the cave, worrying about encountering thousands of titans once they get there. “On the bright side, if anyone can stall it’s Gabrielle,” Xena opines.
Indeed, Gabrielle is recounting the story of the titan war against the gods. Thea is entranced and Hyperion is tolerating it for her sake. :P Now it’s time to read from the scroll. The villagers cart in the weapon, unnoticed. Gabs starts chanting and when nothing happens, Hyperion accuses her of deliberately saying it wrong. He’s getting increasingly frustrated; this should work if it’s said by the same virgin! “Well, there’s your problem,” Gabrielle offers a little too eagerly. “I’m not a virgin anymore!” :-O “You little harlot!” is Hyperion’s reply. Things are about to get ugly, but Xena steps in to bop him on the head with a rock. Hyperion is even more enraged, chasing Xena around the cave, but it’s a trap! When he reaches in with his hand to grab her, the villagers are able to use their weapon—a latch for his hand. He’s now stuck in place! Xena climbs on his hand to deliver the killing blow; damn does that lady hold power well. But Thea begs her not to kill Hyperion; just turn them back into stone again. Hyperion scoffs; that won’t work anyway, since Gabs is no longer a virgin. …but it turns out that Gabby lied about that *shew* I mean, Phyleus seems like a sweet kid, but really? Just some one-note character for my Gab? I don’t think so. :P
Xena leaps off to gather the right scroll for Gabrielle…but Hyperion breaks free! He tries to snatch the scroll from her, ripping it clean in half. Enter “do or die” tactics; first Xena reads the words to Gab and Gab repeats them correctly. But when they run out of scroll, Xena snags a rope to a stagalite and swings herself over to where Hyperion flung the other half. Indiana Jones style! :P Hyperion has turned his attention to Gabrielle, going after her with a rock! So Xena swings into him, knocking him into a conveniently-placed chasm. Gabrielle finishes the chant and when Hyperion’s hand comes up, it turns to stone. Meanwhile Thea turns to stone resignedly, kind of like the way she lived her brief life. She was a pretty boring character, and she looked like Peg Bundy. :P
Gabrielle is telling Phyleus that Xena saved the day again, but Phyleus assures her that she couldn’t have done it without the help of her best friend. The two of them almost kiss, kind of like how they almost have sex but don’t. :P (“You were almost my first” is their joint admission.) He’s a nice kid, but I don’t see this relationship going anywhere. Gabrielle doesn’t even say goodbye before she goes to rejoin Xena. She tells her friend she went into the cave to make up for what she did, but of course Xena already knows that. “Your heart is always in the right place.” Gabrielle starts listing off her faults—like babbling—but Xena brushes it off; “we’re friends. We shouldn’t let things like that come between us.” Aaw. So much more real than the Phyleus scenes. Xena’s final line, though, is “Don’t ever touch my horse again.” :P
It’s a cute episode; I like the dimension given to Hessiod and the villagers, and Hyperion, as I mentioned, is fun. At first it seems like Xena is able to succeed at everything too easily and Gabrielle is always a klutz (though an amusingly sassy one), but there will be upcoming episodes when those roles are reversed (maybe later in the series as opposed to earlier. :P) I like the way they explore friendship here; how you can get on each other’s nerves, yet how you mean well and keep looking after one another. And poor Gab’s sex life. She really starts off the show so innocent.
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