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scifi_rewatchWelcome! Like with the latest “Farscape” recap, we are now in season three of “Xena” and I am updating from my new condo. Season three of the show is known as a dark one, at least moreso than the first two, with a running storyline (called “The Rift,” to get into spoilers that I shouldn’t yet,) and themes like murder, loss of innocence, family drama and godly interference. This episode touches on all of those themes, but not quite successfully.
To be fair, I think this worked for me better than it did for the reviewers at FemPop or Whoosh. (That Lucy Lawless knows how to do physical comedy. :P) But in reading their analyses, I can’t help but concede that this hour fell short in a lot of ways. Even the issue that it was meant to tie up—what happened to Xena’s father—lots of plotholes and things are still up in the air, really.
It’s also an episode without focus. What is “madness” here? Is it Stoogey comedy? Is it quiet and haunted? Is it sardonic cynicism? Gah, I loved Lucy doing all of this, and I love the issues she raised with Ares, if we ignore the stodgy plot around it. (Kevin Smith was awesome, the Ares/Xena relationship is awesome; we all know this. :P) Overall, it’s an episode that didn’t really come together. They can do a lot better.
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
OK, let’s just get the smut out of the way first—apparently producer RJ Stewart was responsible for the incredibly long Furies lap dancing for Ares thing; in the commentaries, fellow producer Liz Friedman snidely remarked that maybe he was trying to write off his trips to strip clubs. :P OH-HO! It’s like a tamer precursor to the “Game of Thrones” producer pornos. But…this is me being a secret straight guy or something…good grief, that was hot. Ares may have been more interested in sticking it to Xena, but I was enjoying myself. I mean, this music (“Xena” rocks at sexy music; we all know this,) makes me want to stop writing this review, get up and dance! It just exudes feminine sensuality…and it’s in Assyrian, if YouTube comments are to be believed. Could tie in with mad!Xena asking the dude she put the pinch on “What’s the capital of Assyria?” ;) But anywho. Important note here is that Ares gets the Furies to curse Xena with both madness and persecution.
This episode was apparently meant to clear up the Xena daddy issue, which Ares was also involved in when impersonating the guy back in season one. Apparently Xena had no real inkling of what happened to dear old Dad until Cyrene spilled the beans this episode (and just a side note—I loved the camera angle, Cyrene in the background, haunted Xena in front, when she told the tale.) I don’t buy that Ares was supposed to be her dad (the Greek gods may be ok with a little incest, but ‘90s cable? :P Besides, I may be a subtexter, but Xena and Ares work much better with a sexual past than a filial one.) The producers, in the DVD commentaries, weren’t ok with it, either—although according to whoosh, Ares was definitely supposed to be in earlier drafts. Maybe that’s why the episode is full of plot holes. I agree with the critique that I’d rather Xena be mortal—that her admittedly Sueish martial arts skills were honed through her anger and vengeful past rather than supernaturally gifted. That being said…the whole reason that the Furies bought that Ares was the baby daddy was that Xena beat him in combat. No mortal should be able to do that. Maybe Ares had a change of heart, and decided he’d rather lose this one dispute, as it were, to Xena, than to kill her and lose her forever. But that’s not well documented at all. The aerial fighting was pretty cool, though; reminded me of some RenFest acts. :P
…I’m going to backtrack a little on my filial comment, because I do remember, last season, pointing to the fact that Ares was like Xena’s father, Caesar was a peer, and Callisto was a protégé. And I still stand by that; if not a “father,” certainly a mentor to Xena, who gave her direction during her darker days and is trying to win her back now, with this whole murdering mommy scheme. To make him the literal daddy would be redundant, really. I really liked his argument about how life had to be “taken and beaten, wrestled and formed into your image;” it’s very true to his aggressive, martial character and worldly outlook. (Also, as RJ Stewart pointed out, to Shakespeare—Xena’s conjoining belief, that she tells to Gabrielle when tying her up, that the gods play with us like sport, comes from “King Lear.”) So certainly a Xena wrestling with sanity, perhaps more driven to innate anger because her mood is destabilized and she can’t keep her grasp on the good things, would be more amenable to that. Also, when you don’t understand what’s happening and can’t retain control, it’s a common belief, especially in pre-industrial days, that more powerful beings are punishing you. But this is only one of the ways that Lucy plays Xena’s madness. She’s also—at the same time—doing a lot of baby talk, which I found sardonically hilarious. Maybe it was her way of latching onto a plan to defeat Ares. :P Then she does the cartoonish, Stooges stuff, which I also find hilarious. Of course, the stuff that resembles real trauma the most closely—running from mental demons, hallucinating—felt the most out of place to me. Perhaps the most jarring scene—this after a series of slapstick—was Xena, naked, addressing a crowd of innocents and claiming they had to die for killing innocents. The producers said this obviously ties into her guilt over Callisto—whom she also sees in a hallucination—deep stuff there, and great for character continuity.
So where’s Gabrielle in all of this? Most of the reviewers I read claim she was ill used this episode, but I’m not quite so sure. I mean, it took some mental chutzpah to think up a plan for suddenly mad!Xena, to deduce what happened, to get them to the Furies temple to find out why this new bounty is on her head, and then to go to Orestes, who apparently suffered this conundrum of kill-the-mother-to-avenge-the-father, too. Except, as we find out, he remained mad, because apparently killing a parent is as bad as not avenging the other one. (Which is why Xena was so insistent that the Furies be present for her little scam, of course—so that they’d take off the curse.) FemPop points out that, as usual, the Xenaverse plays a little hard and loose with mythology. :P The original Orestes chose of his own volition to kill-his-mother-to-avenge-his-father; the Furies didn’t push him into it. He also didn’t go mad, because apparently the moral of the story was that sometimes murder is justified. (Kind of like Cyrene’s murder of the real Xena daddy, perhaps, but we got bogged down in all of the other crazy stuff to explore that much.) So there’s that. :P Instead, we have Gabs learning this—for the audience’s benefit, because apparently Xena already knows it, even while mad. Maybe this is why she forgot Gabby’s name and called her “Mavis,” which was apparently a complete ad lib on Lucy’s part. She’s so good at this, hee.
Where to next…apparently, like the last episode wasn’t meant to end the season, this one wasn’t meant to start one. They were going on the assumption that season two would be 24 episodes, like season one, but that didn’t happen. Xena’s immediate offense with the priest that she didn’t avenge the murder of a family member concerned Lyceus; continuity ftw. The closing scene, between Xena and Cyrene, was quite touching, despite the kooky plot that got them to that point. I love a daughter comforting her mother; especially when the promise “we’ll be stronger,” as whoosh.org points out, is a fair bit of foreshadowing for the arc of the season. /zips lips!
So let’s end with the subtext. :P Because speaking of sexuality, there’s nothing like a little food foreplay, is there? The way that Lucy delivers the line about Gabrielle’s dumplings with the red centers just gets to me. :P Pretty much every scene of Xena and Gabrielle being Xena and Gabrielle together, no huge pressure from the big bad plot, just smacks of flirtation. That being said…no relationship is totally still. People go through their ups and downs. I’m doing a terrible job at staying spoiler free here. :P
Disclaimer Xena’s sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The furies, however, will be opening their own lap dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.
Favorite Quotes:
*Xena and Gabrielle flirt (though it’s in the delivery more than the lines themselves*
Gabrielle: If I win-- you have to cook breakfast for me—tomorrow morning.
Xena: You call that winning?
Gabrielle: Good point. If I win, you have to collect all the firewood for one week."
Xena: And if I win, you have to make those little dumplings with the red stuff inside. Oh, please.
Gabrielle: OK.
Xena: Yeah.
*pre-mad, normal interaction with the goons of the hour*
Rufinus: Well, there's a bounty on your head-- and we plan to collect it.
Xena: You know, fellas, there are less painful ways of making a dinar, but, um-- if you insist.
*mad!Xena’s first coherent sentence*
Xena: I love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning.
*Gabrielle tries, not too successfully, to reign mad!Xena in, so they can get information*
Gabrielle: Why don't you put the pinch on him?
Xena: Hah! I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other pertinent body parts. So, tell me-- how old were you when you lost your virginity?
Gabrielle: Xena.
Xena: Shut up, Mavis-- this is important.
Rufinus: Fourteen.
Xena: Come on.
Rufinus: OK, OK-- nineteen, nineteen.
Xena: See, Mavis, all you have to do is act nicely.
*Mad!Xena is hangry. Gabs is smart*
Gabrielle: Where are you going?
Xena: To get something to eat. I'm starved.
Gabrielle: What about the Furies?
Xena: They can get their own.
Gabrielle: Xena, I think something terrible has happened to you. You're not thinking clearly.
Xena: Well, you know how I am when I miss breakfast.
Gabrielle: No. Look. I think the Furies are punishing you for something. Legend has it they punish with persecution—which explains the bounty-- and the madness.
*the harrowing scene, that maybe brings Xena to her senses*
Xena: Look at you-- the guilt, the shame. It's stamped on your faces-- clear as mud. And I won't let you get away with it. I'm here to avenge your heinous crimes. I've come to take retribution!
Gabrielle: Xena?
Xena: I've come to take retribution in flames!
Gabrielle: What are you doing?
Xena: Delivering the wrath of justice. These people are evil incarnate. They must burn.
Gabrielle: Xena, what have they done?
Xena: What have they done? Look, can't you see the women and children?! They've crucified the women and children!
Gabrielle: Xena-- Xena, the only people here are women and children. Xena, they're afraid of you.
*Xena obviously still has Lyceus-shaped issues*
Gabrielle: So, what does she have to do?
Lysis: Avenge the murder of a member of her family.
Xena: Anyone who says that I didn't avenge the murder of my brother is a liar.
Gabrielle: Xena!
Xena: His killer died at my hands.
*King Lear plagiarism as mad!Xena ties up Gabrielle*
Xena: You know, to the gods-- we are nothing but dirty little beetles-- and they'll kill us for their sport. Well, I'm sorry, Gabrielle; you can't come with me but-- I can't be trusted, you know?
*Mad!Xena can still throw a spinny punch*
Xena: You behave, or you don't get to come with us.
Rufinus: She's coming right at us. Come on, guys. She's a babbling idiot. She doesn't even know we're here. *throws a spinny punch, knocks them all out, then continues on with a cocka-doodle-doo*
*Cyrene tells her tale. Seems most likely to me that some priest told Xena’s dad that Ares liked to visit soldiers’ wives while they were away at war, and then his imagination did the rest*
Cyrene: Xena was seven. Her father-- came home from the temple of Ares--drunk--and angry. He told me Xena had to die. He was--very confused, Xena. The priest at the temple must have told him to sacrifice you to Ares. Your father was-- very dedicated to the god of war. I told him that I wouldn't let him do that. He said he'd-- kill me too, then. He went to the stables to sharpen a knife. He was so-- methodical, the way he planned to kill his own daughter. I took an axe and-- I stopped him.
Mad!Xena turns sardonic, cynical, and baby-talky*
Xena: So Mama killed Papa. Doesn't matter. You were trying to save my life, right? I should be grateful. But you have to admit, you did put me in something of a jam, didn't you? I have an interesting choice, now. I can kill you-- or-- I can spend the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid clarity. Did you know that sanity is just a veil that the gods throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth?
Cyrene: What is the truth, Xena?
Xena: That life is a joke! It's a barroom joke at that! And you know what the punchline is? The punchline-- is that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms. Mother, there really is only one way out of this.
Cyrene: Go ahead-- do it.
Xena: Oh, no, no. You don't get out of it that easy. I leave you to entertain the gods. I am retiring from the stage.
Cyrene: Xena.
Xena: Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills. If I stay around here much longer, some innocent people are gonna get killed. I'm doing them a favor.
*Ares makes his pitch as Xena makes him believe she’s ready to go off a cliff*
Ares: Now, Xena? Don't do that. There is another solution.
Xena: Killing Mommy? No, I don't think so.
Ares: Well, I heard what you said to your mother. And you were right of course-- what you said about life.
Xena: I was ranting.
Ares: Like a prophet. Xena, you were never so close to the truth.
Xena: If you're trying to convince me that life's worth living, this is not a good strategy.
Ares: No-- life isn't worth living. It's to be taken, and beaten, and wrestled, and formed in your image. That's where the meaning lies-- in what you can twist life into. For those who just endure life, yeah-- it is a very nasty joke. But for those who form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the way.
Xena: I must be crazy. You're beginning to make sense.
*random but convenient bits of exposition for the audience (well, at least Xena is mad :P)*
Xena: Oh-- the self-sacrificing mother. That's such a tired cliche. Tell me, Mother. When you and Daddy were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good?
Cyrene: Please, Xena. Let's just get this over with.
Xena: I have a right to know about the act that brought me into this miserable world.
Cyrene: I will not talk about that!
Xena: I'm losing patience with you.
Cyrene: Your father was away at war. Suddenly, one night, he was there with me. And, yes, it was good!
*Gabrielle learns the Xenaverse truth about Orestes*
Gabrielle: I don't understand. This is an asylum. Are you sure we're talking about the same man?
Keeper: That's right. Here he is. See for yourself. *catatonic guy chained to wall*
Gabrielle: Orestes? So he didn't do it.
Keeper: Didn't do what?
Gabrielle: He didn't avenge his father's murder.
Keeper: Oh, yeah, he did. He killed his mother, Clytemnestra.
Gabrielle: But I thought that--
Keeper: -- that he'd be liberated from his madness if he killed his mother?
Gabrielle: Yeah.
Keeper: Ahh-- it's all a lie. If they persecuted him for not avenging his father's murder, what were they going to do to him for killing his mother? There was no way out for him.
*craziest bit of exposition yet*
Xena: But how could she kill my father when my father is very much alive? Right, Daddy?
Ares: If you've noticed, she is crazy.
Xena: Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd, and I might cut Mommy up later, just for fun-- but not because she killed my father. Because you're my father. Look at that hunk of burning love you had, Mom.
Ares: This is nonsense. Don't you think Cyrene might have mentioned this before now?
Xena: That's not a very good explanation, Daddy. Gabrielle, tell him. Do the bard thing.
Gabrielle: The legends say that-- Ares takes the form of his warriors--and he visits their wives while they're away at battle.
Xena: Mom, tell him.
Cyrene: The night Xena was conceived, my husband came home unexpectedly from war.
Ares: This is ridiculous.
*so no one believes that Ares is the father, right? Except for the Furies. And maybe the other gods :P*
Ares: I've been on the outs with the family before. They need me. You don't really think I'm your father, do you?
Xena: It doesn't matter. The Furies think you are. That's all that counts.
Ares: That-- was brilliant. If I was your father, I'd be
very-- very proud of you.
*Xena and Cyrene choose forgiveness over vengeance*
Cyrene: I took him away from you.
Xena: Mother.
Cyrene: It seemed-- like the only way.
Xena: I'm sure it was. I never really knew him. I-- the hardest thing for me was giving up the hope.
Cyrene: Hope.
Xena: I kept hoping that maybe I'd run into him, somewhere. Understand-- understand myself. I know that will never be.
Cyrene: Can you ever forgive me?
Xena: There is nothing to forgive. You saved my life. I owe you my thanks. I'm sorry that you had to carry this alone all these years. We'll go on. We'll be stronger than before.
To be fair, I think this worked for me better than it did for the reviewers at FemPop or Whoosh. (That Lucy Lawless knows how to do physical comedy. :P) But in reading their analyses, I can’t help but concede that this hour fell short in a lot of ways. Even the issue that it was meant to tie up—what happened to Xena’s father—lots of plotholes and things are still up in the air, really.
It’s also an episode without focus. What is “madness” here? Is it Stoogey comedy? Is it quiet and haunted? Is it sardonic cynicism? Gah, I loved Lucy doing all of this, and I love the issues she raised with Ares, if we ignore the stodgy plot around it. (Kevin Smith was awesome, the Ares/Xena relationship is awesome; we all know this. :P) Overall, it’s an episode that didn’t really come together. They can do a lot better.
Summary is here, courtesy of whoosh.org.
OK, let’s just get the smut out of the way first—apparently producer RJ Stewart was responsible for the incredibly long Furies lap dancing for Ares thing; in the commentaries, fellow producer Liz Friedman snidely remarked that maybe he was trying to write off his trips to strip clubs. :P OH-HO! It’s like a tamer precursor to the “Game of Thrones” producer pornos. But…this is me being a secret straight guy or something…good grief, that was hot. Ares may have been more interested in sticking it to Xena, but I was enjoying myself. I mean, this music (“Xena” rocks at sexy music; we all know this,) makes me want to stop writing this review, get up and dance! It just exudes feminine sensuality…and it’s in Assyrian, if YouTube comments are to be believed. Could tie in with mad!Xena asking the dude she put the pinch on “What’s the capital of Assyria?” ;) But anywho. Important note here is that Ares gets the Furies to curse Xena with both madness and persecution.
This episode was apparently meant to clear up the Xena daddy issue, which Ares was also involved in when impersonating the guy back in season one. Apparently Xena had no real inkling of what happened to dear old Dad until Cyrene spilled the beans this episode (and just a side note—I loved the camera angle, Cyrene in the background, haunted Xena in front, when she told the tale.) I don’t buy that Ares was supposed to be her dad (the Greek gods may be ok with a little incest, but ‘90s cable? :P Besides, I may be a subtexter, but Xena and Ares work much better with a sexual past than a filial one.) The producers, in the DVD commentaries, weren’t ok with it, either—although according to whoosh, Ares was definitely supposed to be in earlier drafts. Maybe that’s why the episode is full of plot holes. I agree with the critique that I’d rather Xena be mortal—that her admittedly Sueish martial arts skills were honed through her anger and vengeful past rather than supernaturally gifted. That being said…the whole reason that the Furies bought that Ares was the baby daddy was that Xena beat him in combat. No mortal should be able to do that. Maybe Ares had a change of heart, and decided he’d rather lose this one dispute, as it were, to Xena, than to kill her and lose her forever. But that’s not well documented at all. The aerial fighting was pretty cool, though; reminded me of some RenFest acts. :P
…I’m going to backtrack a little on my filial comment, because I do remember, last season, pointing to the fact that Ares was like Xena’s father, Caesar was a peer, and Callisto was a protégé. And I still stand by that; if not a “father,” certainly a mentor to Xena, who gave her direction during her darker days and is trying to win her back now, with this whole murdering mommy scheme. To make him the literal daddy would be redundant, really. I really liked his argument about how life had to be “taken and beaten, wrestled and formed into your image;” it’s very true to his aggressive, martial character and worldly outlook. (Also, as RJ Stewart pointed out, to Shakespeare—Xena’s conjoining belief, that she tells to Gabrielle when tying her up, that the gods play with us like sport, comes from “King Lear.”) So certainly a Xena wrestling with sanity, perhaps more driven to innate anger because her mood is destabilized and she can’t keep her grasp on the good things, would be more amenable to that. Also, when you don’t understand what’s happening and can’t retain control, it’s a common belief, especially in pre-industrial days, that more powerful beings are punishing you. But this is only one of the ways that Lucy plays Xena’s madness. She’s also—at the same time—doing a lot of baby talk, which I found sardonically hilarious. Maybe it was her way of latching onto a plan to defeat Ares. :P Then she does the cartoonish, Stooges stuff, which I also find hilarious. Of course, the stuff that resembles real trauma the most closely—running from mental demons, hallucinating—felt the most out of place to me. Perhaps the most jarring scene—this after a series of slapstick—was Xena, naked, addressing a crowd of innocents and claiming they had to die for killing innocents. The producers said this obviously ties into her guilt over Callisto—whom she also sees in a hallucination—deep stuff there, and great for character continuity.
So where’s Gabrielle in all of this? Most of the reviewers I read claim she was ill used this episode, but I’m not quite so sure. I mean, it took some mental chutzpah to think up a plan for suddenly mad!Xena, to deduce what happened, to get them to the Furies temple to find out why this new bounty is on her head, and then to go to Orestes, who apparently suffered this conundrum of kill-the-mother-to-avenge-the-father, too. Except, as we find out, he remained mad, because apparently killing a parent is as bad as not avenging the other one. (Which is why Xena was so insistent that the Furies be present for her little scam, of course—so that they’d take off the curse.) FemPop points out that, as usual, the Xenaverse plays a little hard and loose with mythology. :P The original Orestes chose of his own volition to kill-his-mother-to-avenge-his-father; the Furies didn’t push him into it. He also didn’t go mad, because apparently the moral of the story was that sometimes murder is justified. (Kind of like Cyrene’s murder of the real Xena daddy, perhaps, but we got bogged down in all of the other crazy stuff to explore that much.) So there’s that. :P Instead, we have Gabs learning this—for the audience’s benefit, because apparently Xena already knows it, even while mad. Maybe this is why she forgot Gabby’s name and called her “Mavis,” which was apparently a complete ad lib on Lucy’s part. She’s so good at this, hee.
Where to next…apparently, like the last episode wasn’t meant to end the season, this one wasn’t meant to start one. They were going on the assumption that season two would be 24 episodes, like season one, but that didn’t happen. Xena’s immediate offense with the priest that she didn’t avenge the murder of a family member concerned Lyceus; continuity ftw. The closing scene, between Xena and Cyrene, was quite touching, despite the kooky plot that got them to that point. I love a daughter comforting her mother; especially when the promise “we’ll be stronger,” as whoosh.org points out, is a fair bit of foreshadowing for the arc of the season. /zips lips!
So let’s end with the subtext. :P Because speaking of sexuality, there’s nothing like a little food foreplay, is there? The way that Lucy delivers the line about Gabrielle’s dumplings with the red centers just gets to me. :P Pretty much every scene of Xena and Gabrielle being Xena and Gabrielle together, no huge pressure from the big bad plot, just smacks of flirtation. That being said…no relationship is totally still. People go through their ups and downs. I’m doing a terrible job at staying spoiler free here. :P
Disclaimer Xena’s sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The furies, however, will be opening their own lap dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.
Favorite Quotes:
*Xena and Gabrielle flirt (though it’s in the delivery more than the lines themselves*
Gabrielle: If I win-- you have to cook breakfast for me—tomorrow morning.
Xena: You call that winning?
Gabrielle: Good point. If I win, you have to collect all the firewood for one week."
Xena: And if I win, you have to make those little dumplings with the red stuff inside. Oh, please.
Gabrielle: OK.
Xena: Yeah.
*pre-mad, normal interaction with the goons of the hour*
Rufinus: Well, there's a bounty on your head-- and we plan to collect it.
Xena: You know, fellas, there are less painful ways of making a dinar, but, um-- if you insist.
*mad!Xena’s first coherent sentence*
Xena: I love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning.
*Gabrielle tries, not too successfully, to reign mad!Xena in, so they can get information*
Gabrielle: Why don't you put the pinch on him?
Xena: Hah! I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other pertinent body parts. So, tell me-- how old were you when you lost your virginity?
Gabrielle: Xena.
Xena: Shut up, Mavis-- this is important.
Rufinus: Fourteen.
Xena: Come on.
Rufinus: OK, OK-- nineteen, nineteen.
Xena: See, Mavis, all you have to do is act nicely.
*Mad!Xena is hangry. Gabs is smart*
Gabrielle: Where are you going?
Xena: To get something to eat. I'm starved.
Gabrielle: What about the Furies?
Xena: They can get their own.
Gabrielle: Xena, I think something terrible has happened to you. You're not thinking clearly.
Xena: Well, you know how I am when I miss breakfast.
Gabrielle: No. Look. I think the Furies are punishing you for something. Legend has it they punish with persecution—which explains the bounty-- and the madness.
*the harrowing scene, that maybe brings Xena to her senses*
Xena: Look at you-- the guilt, the shame. It's stamped on your faces-- clear as mud. And I won't let you get away with it. I'm here to avenge your heinous crimes. I've come to take retribution!
Gabrielle: Xena?
Xena: I've come to take retribution in flames!
Gabrielle: What are you doing?
Xena: Delivering the wrath of justice. These people are evil incarnate. They must burn.
Gabrielle: Xena, what have they done?
Xena: What have they done? Look, can't you see the women and children?! They've crucified the women and children!
Gabrielle: Xena-- Xena, the only people here are women and children. Xena, they're afraid of you.
*Xena obviously still has Lyceus-shaped issues*
Gabrielle: So, what does she have to do?
Lysis: Avenge the murder of a member of her family.
Xena: Anyone who says that I didn't avenge the murder of my brother is a liar.
Gabrielle: Xena!
Xena: His killer died at my hands.
*King Lear plagiarism as mad!Xena ties up Gabrielle*
Xena: You know, to the gods-- we are nothing but dirty little beetles-- and they'll kill us for their sport. Well, I'm sorry, Gabrielle; you can't come with me but-- I can't be trusted, you know?
*Mad!Xena can still throw a spinny punch*
Xena: You behave, or you don't get to come with us.
Rufinus: She's coming right at us. Come on, guys. She's a babbling idiot. She doesn't even know we're here. *throws a spinny punch, knocks them all out, then continues on with a cocka-doodle-doo*
*Cyrene tells her tale. Seems most likely to me that some priest told Xena’s dad that Ares liked to visit soldiers’ wives while they were away at war, and then his imagination did the rest*
Cyrene: Xena was seven. Her father-- came home from the temple of Ares--drunk--and angry. He told me Xena had to die. He was--very confused, Xena. The priest at the temple must have told him to sacrifice you to Ares. Your father was-- very dedicated to the god of war. I told him that I wouldn't let him do that. He said he'd-- kill me too, then. He went to the stables to sharpen a knife. He was so-- methodical, the way he planned to kill his own daughter. I took an axe and-- I stopped him.
Mad!Xena turns sardonic, cynical, and baby-talky*
Xena: So Mama killed Papa. Doesn't matter. You were trying to save my life, right? I should be grateful. But you have to admit, you did put me in something of a jam, didn't you? I have an interesting choice, now. I can kill you-- or-- I can spend the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid clarity. Did you know that sanity is just a veil that the gods throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth?
Cyrene: What is the truth, Xena?
Xena: That life is a joke! It's a barroom joke at that! And you know what the punchline is? The punchline-- is that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms. Mother, there really is only one way out of this.
Cyrene: Go ahead-- do it.
Xena: Oh, no, no. You don't get out of it that easy. I leave you to entertain the gods. I am retiring from the stage.
Cyrene: Xena.
Xena: Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills. If I stay around here much longer, some innocent people are gonna get killed. I'm doing them a favor.
*Ares makes his pitch as Xena makes him believe she’s ready to go off a cliff*
Ares: Now, Xena? Don't do that. There is another solution.
Xena: Killing Mommy? No, I don't think so.
Ares: Well, I heard what you said to your mother. And you were right of course-- what you said about life.
Xena: I was ranting.
Ares: Like a prophet. Xena, you were never so close to the truth.
Xena: If you're trying to convince me that life's worth living, this is not a good strategy.
Ares: No-- life isn't worth living. It's to be taken, and beaten, and wrestled, and formed in your image. That's where the meaning lies-- in what you can twist life into. For those who just endure life, yeah-- it is a very nasty joke. But for those who form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the way.
Xena: I must be crazy. You're beginning to make sense.
*random but convenient bits of exposition for the audience (well, at least Xena is mad :P)*
Xena: Oh-- the self-sacrificing mother. That's such a tired cliche. Tell me, Mother. When you and Daddy were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good?
Cyrene: Please, Xena. Let's just get this over with.
Xena: I have a right to know about the act that brought me into this miserable world.
Cyrene: I will not talk about that!
Xena: I'm losing patience with you.
Cyrene: Your father was away at war. Suddenly, one night, he was there with me. And, yes, it was good!
*Gabrielle learns the Xenaverse truth about Orestes*
Gabrielle: I don't understand. This is an asylum. Are you sure we're talking about the same man?
Keeper: That's right. Here he is. See for yourself. *catatonic guy chained to wall*
Gabrielle: Orestes? So he didn't do it.
Keeper: Didn't do what?
Gabrielle: He didn't avenge his father's murder.
Keeper: Oh, yeah, he did. He killed his mother, Clytemnestra.
Gabrielle: But I thought that--
Keeper: -- that he'd be liberated from his madness if he killed his mother?
Gabrielle: Yeah.
Keeper: Ahh-- it's all a lie. If they persecuted him for not avenging his father's murder, what were they going to do to him for killing his mother? There was no way out for him.
*craziest bit of exposition yet*
Xena: But how could she kill my father when my father is very much alive? Right, Daddy?
Ares: If you've noticed, she is crazy.
Xena: Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd, and I might cut Mommy up later, just for fun-- but not because she killed my father. Because you're my father. Look at that hunk of burning love you had, Mom.
Ares: This is nonsense. Don't you think Cyrene might have mentioned this before now?
Xena: That's not a very good explanation, Daddy. Gabrielle, tell him. Do the bard thing.
Gabrielle: The legends say that-- Ares takes the form of his warriors--and he visits their wives while they're away at battle.
Xena: Mom, tell him.
Cyrene: The night Xena was conceived, my husband came home unexpectedly from war.
Ares: This is ridiculous.
*so no one believes that Ares is the father, right? Except for the Furies. And maybe the other gods :P*
Ares: I've been on the outs with the family before. They need me. You don't really think I'm your father, do you?
Xena: It doesn't matter. The Furies think you are. That's all that counts.
Ares: That-- was brilliant. If I was your father, I'd be
very-- very proud of you.
*Xena and Cyrene choose forgiveness over vengeance*
Cyrene: I took him away from you.
Xena: Mother.
Cyrene: It seemed-- like the only way.
Xena: I'm sure it was. I never really knew him. I-- the hardest thing for me was giving up the hope.
Cyrene: Hope.
Xena: I kept hoping that maybe I'd run into him, somewhere. Understand-- understand myself. I know that will never be.
Cyrene: Can you ever forgive me?
Xena: There is nothing to forgive. You saved my life. I owe you my thanks. I'm sorry that you had to carry this alone all these years. We'll go on. We'll be stronger than before.
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