scifi_rewatch | Xena: Warrior Princess Episode 1.22: “Callisto”

In terms of a tightly-packed episode that ignores the cheese and actually pulls off the seriousness, this episode might be the best one to date. No small part of that comes down to Hudson Leick, who plays the titular character, a woman so compelling in her obsession, rage and grief. And then we’re introduced to another cult favorite—or so I’d like to think—the quirky, goofy (ok, so there was a little bit of that :P) and determined Joxer the Mighty, as played by Ted Raimi. These are among the guest stars who make the most lasting impression in the Xenaverse.

“Xena” almost constantly asks its main character to face parts of her villainous past, but when it’s Callisto on the other end, mocking her into submission, guilt almost takes on a new meaning. Callisto would have made a great bard…and speaking of bards, Gabrielle, too, is vocal with her own moral leanings—that violence has to stop, and peace must win. These things can (and have) come off as light-hearted on the show, but as I’ve probably made abundantly clear by now, this ain’t the episode for any of that. :P So without further ado, let’s tell a great story!

A child with striking platinum-blonde hair stands amidst a fiery village still in the midst of attack. We see villagers being beaten down and killed by warrior goons in slow-mo. A blonde woman in battle garb on a horse gallops, fast and furious, towards the boy and he goes down. He’s on his side, getting a view of the carnage as bodies drop. The woman gets off her horse to new, ominous theme music and walks past the boy and other victims lying on the ground. One villager, somehow mistaking her for an innocent, tells her she needs to run; the warriors are killing them all! “Trying? I think we’re succeeding,” the woman responds before stabbing him in the chest. Meanwhile, one of the goons shoves a real village woman to the ground and is about to strike her, when the warrior woman says stop. This “old crone” gets to live and spread the word about what happens when people defy her. Who are you? the woman asks. The warrior woman laughs—I’m Xena!

Later, an angry, defeated-looking young man enters a pub and demands wine. The real Xena, sitting close by, offers hers; looks like he needs it. He introduces himself as Melas and Xena introduces herself as Xena…his demeanor suddenly changes and he’s on the attack! Xena quickly flips him off her and has a sword to his neck. “Go ahead—murder me—just like you murdered my son,” Melas spits. Xena is, of course, floored. Melas explains how he found the old crone, nearly dead, who said she was the only survivor from the attack (maybe the blonde boy was Melas’s son? :/) Although Xena denies it, the grieving father says all travelers from here to Corinth have stories about her murderous army; the pub seems to back this up. Xena calls for Gabrielle, who is standing nearby, staff raised, and they leave. Melas promises to avenge his son’s death, but Xena still insists he’s got it wrong.

Outside, the girls head towards Corinth to try and make sense of the madness, but first they come across a group of bedraggled survivors who glare at Xena but fearfully let her pass. “See that look of fear and hatred on their faces…I used to want to see that look,” Xena remarks hauntedly. But one of the villagers—wearing a clanging array of armor that looks like kitchenware—jumps in front of the ladies and offers his services! He introduces himself as Joxer, scoffing the “sheep” he was traveling with, and promising that he’s a warrior of some repute. The girls aren’t exactly buying his boyish enthusiasm, but he does get some great lines. “I’m fierce and have a lust for blood,” he promises. “As a matter of fact, if a couple of days go by and I haven’t shed some blood, I get very depressed. Blood and I go together like a horse and chariot.” And on and on it goes until Xena grabs his nose to get him to stop talking. Off poor Joxer shuffles, muttering about how threatened she must be by his masculine prowess. :P

Later, Xena runs into more irritating trouble as Melas tries to jump her from a small hill. Xena throws him off, again, kicks him back and ties him to a tree. Melas, meanwhile, keeps snarling about his revenge. “If she were the monster you think she is, she would’ve killed you by now,” Gabrielle remarks, tucking a small pillow under his head. :P It’s the little things. “She likes to see me helpless in my rage,” Melas theorizes lamely. Xena tells him she’s going after the real person behind the raids, so stay out of her way. “I hope you find peace,” Gabs quips. “I will once I know her evil heart has stopped beating,” Melas grits, struggling fruitlessly against his bonds.

Finally Xena and Gabs come across crucified people in a town where the massacre is still going on! Xena rides in on Argo and Gabs is behind with her staff. The warrior princess starts kicking goons, whacking them with her own staff, and ultimately unleashes her chakram. But another hand catches it! We see a shot of Xena’s head from within the circle. The new theme music is back again. “You want it?” the blonde warrior woman holding the chakram taunts. “Come and get it.”

Xena and the warrior woman run towards each other. Xena gives her yell and the blonde screams like a banshee; lotta rage. They charge on their horses and both end up unhurt. But on the next pass, the woman draws blood on Xena’s arm! I’m as good as you, the woman remarks with the mysterious caveat “you made me.” On the next pass, Xena knocks the woman’s sword from her hand. Xena accuses her of shooting the poisoned dart from last episode, which left her briefly incapacitated. “It left me free to revive your reputation as a wanton killer of women and children,” the woman remarks. Xena denies ever having killed them. “You have now.” Ouch. Fury reignited, the women grab flags and go at each other again. They each knock the other in the stomach and flip off their horses. “What do you mean, I made you?” Xena asks. “Remember Cirra?” the warrior woman spits. Xena’s lost in eye-widening remembrance for long enough for her opponent to attack, flip over the warrior princess and end up on her horse, riding wildly towards the skyline. Xena, meanwhile, is refocused on Gabrielle, who is being disarmed by a goon. Xena steps in and puts the pinch on him, explaining the rules. The goon introduces the woman as Callisto; her family died in Cirra. Her goal now is for the world to see Xena as a demon again before she kills her herself in combat. Tomorrow she’s headed to Delphi to kill the oracle and blame it on the warrior princess. Xena leaves the goon with a message of her own: “She’s right. I made her—and I’ll be the one to destroy her.” Chilling.

Melas has apparently gotten free of his bonds and joins Xena, having seen everything. He knows she’s innocent now, but he wants to travel with her and get his revenge on Callisto. Xena is reluctant, but supposes she can at least help him not get killed.

Callisto’s camp seems to be the ladder-covered jungle gym space between two buildings. She has a lot more style than the usual warlords with their camps and silly stunts amidst manly guffaws. She’s standing on a ladder stretched between buildings kicking and flipping as her men attempt in any way to harm her. Not sure it’s a good exercise or not—she’s obviously more skilled than any of them—and she quickly tires of the charade. The goon Xena pinched comes in—we learn that he’s Callisto’s right-hand man Theodorus and he told Xeen everything at his lady’s request. Callisto also calls that Xena left Theodorus with some “stupid” moral message…”Oh Xena, I can call your every move,” she speaks to the air. Meanwhile other goons drag Joxer in; he was apparently hiding in a supply wagon they stole. “Warrior Queen…” Joxer begins, so he and Callisto get off on the right foot. :P Well, not really. Joxer is obviously a bumbling fool, and Callisto, now sipping a drink to look extra Mean Girl-esque, is not above mocking him for it. It is pretty interesting to see how Joxer takes it in stride, still trying to convince them that his “idiotic” looks are a ploy. Callisto finally offers him a chance to prove himself—capture Gabrielle, then he can join them. “Consider it done, my queen!” Joxer crows about how they’re all on the same team, but the goons still kick him on the way out. Privately with Theodorus Callisto figures Joxer will at least cause some distraction with Xena—every bit helps as our “Warrior Queen” moves to plant the chakram in the oracle’s skull. Callisto throws it in anger, and it ends up impaling a watermelon.

Nice shift from watermelon to full moon, and we’re with Xena, Gabrielle and Melas around a campfire. Gabrielle is trying to get Melas to sleep, or “drift off,” which he uses as a starting point to explain he’s not interested in “drifting off” and forgetting his pain. He wants blood, and Gabs would feel the same if Callisto took from her what she did from him. Gabs starts shaking her head and backing away, obviously uncomfortable with the conversation. She joins Xena, closer to the flames, and gets her to open up about Cirra. Just a normal village to conquer until somehow a fire got started. It swept through the town and burned people—including women and children—alive in their houses where they were hiding from Xena’s army. Present-day Xena wipes tears from her eyes. She doesn’t blame Callisto, or Melas, for wanting revenge, but Gabs kinda does. When does the vengeance stop? Xena herself turned from darkness. “I was lucky,” she comments, and who knows what she’d do if something happened to her mother or Hercules or Gabs (or Ares-as-father… :P) But Gabs says no, forcing Xeen to look at her. “You promise me. If something happens to me, you will not become a monster.” She continues that the only way to end the hatred is through love and forgiveness. Xena hugs her close and makes her promise to never change. It’s a truly remarkable scene. We’ve had a lot of moments between Xena and Gabrielle discussing Xena’s bad past and the current relationship between the two women, but this is the one that feels the most earned. Maybe because Callisto provides real tangibility to what they’re talking about and Gabrielle, meanwhile, is moving past naïve bard into a woman who is discovering her own convictions. The music is great, too. :P

The following day, Xena, Gabs and Melas split up in Delphi, looking for Callisto. The oracle herself is held aloft on a throne chair, traveling amidst a wide throng of congregants wearing robes and holding candles. Gabrielle is under an archway outside when Joxer throws a net around her and drags her off! Off screen we hear a resounding crunch, then Joxer stumbles back in frame, holding his head. Gabs knocks him with her staff for good measure but this only motivates Joxer more—he tries his sword, a dagger and his crossbow, which Gabs breaks to his dissatisfaction. Enraged, he finally goes after her unarmed but Gabs knocks him to the ground with bird sounds. :P Stay down! She chastises him. There’s something I have to do! “Go ahead. Run…you coward!” Joxer mumbles before falling unconscious. :P

Inside the room where the oracle will speak, Xena is kinda/sorta wearing a robe over her armor, looking around for a familiar face. The oracle mediates on a stage overlooking everyone. Callisto is in the crowd, covered head to toe in robes. Xena hears the clinking of metal…and turns in time for her nemesis to throw the chakram! It’s flying speedily towards the Oracle’s head! Xena moves quickly, releasing her own dagger to circumvent the chakram and send it into the wall. Callisto hisses like a cat, drops all her robes and runs for the door with Xena in hot pursuit. They flip onto their horses, leave town…and enter the dessert with some truly spectacular aerial scenes of their riding. Xena is catching up to Callisto fast; neck in neck, she jumps horses and the two fall off and roll down a steep incline. Xena has Callisto tied up (and screaming) before long.

Callisto kicks fruitlessly on Argo—Xena is leading the two horses and threatens to break her ankles if she bothers her horse anymore. Callisto mocks her enemy—so you decided to fight for justice and forget about all the people you hurt before? Xena turns and gives her an awkward, if genuine, apology about what she did to her. Callisto literally spits on the apology. Meanwhile Gabs runs up with the report that Melas is organizing a lynch mob in Delphi. Callisto isn’t afraid to die… but how will Xena feel about her not getting a fair trial? Has anyone ever handed her over to a mob for her past acts? (Actually, I think they have, but Xena obviously got away clean.) Gabrielle urges Xena not to blame herself for what Callisto has become, prompting Callisto to give an impassioned speech: “No, no, no of course not! It’s not her fault at all that I dream every night of my mother’s screams coming from my burning home!” Touche, Cal. Xena stops the procession and asks what Callisto would do if Xeen let her go—our new warrior woman gives another wonderful speech (Hudson Leick is amazing. :P) “You let me go and I will dedicate my life to killing everything you’ve loved—your friends, your family, your reputation, even your horse. You see, I’m being honest with you because the idea of your pity is worse than death for me.” Powerful stuff. It’s easy to feel for her…especially with Gabs being hypocritical and insisting Callisto is nothing but bad. What happened to stopping the cycle of hatred there? :P Guess she has to go with her instincts, and Callisto’s bluntness.

Back at Delphi, Melas is indeed at the head of the yelling mob, urging Xena to hand Callisto over to them. But Xeen says no, and she takes a demure-looking Callisto to the jail to await fair trial. No one else seems really happy about that. :P Xena keeps terse vigil inside, her back to her foe as Callisto continues to taunt her: “They’re coming…but you know that already, don’t you? How many of them will you kill? You’re beginning to hate me, aren’t you?” I wouldn’t blame Xeen, but damn, Callisto can pack quite a punch. Xena’s only weapon is a self-satisfied “I won’t let anything happen to you without a fair trial.” Callisto is unimpressed. “As a villain, you were awesome. As a hero, you are a sentimental fool.”

Outside, Joxer makes another unsuccessful attempt to capture Gabrielle, using a lasso to reel her in, but Gabs easily takes it off and punches him in the face. Ow, she broke her nose! He hates it when that happens! :P Gabs brusquely administers to his wound and asks him wtf is going on. Joxer explains, whining, that he’s a warrior trying to make a name for himself! Uh…you’re no warrior, Gabs responds. So Joxer shares some backstory—he’s from a long family of warlords! It’s the family tradition! He sulks over her assessment that he doesn’t have the gene, so Gabs tries to play career counselor. What else does he like to do? “I like to steal…” Joxer says, grinning. :P Luckily, he also likes to fish. Gabs says he should try that and they introduce themselves…only to have him try to grab her again, so she elbows him in the face and leaves. :P

The mob, meanwhile, is getting restless. Melas takes a torch and throws it through the cell window—Callisto is surrounded! And crowing about it—she’ll die like her family. As Xena grabs the keys from the escaping guard, Callisto promises not to scream out like her sister. She refuses to budge (holding her shackles in her free hands behind her back) so Xena goes inside to grab her. Callisto screams, hits her with the weapon and runs out, locking Xeen inside. She of course cuts down as many villagers as she can while she runs to her horse…and picks up Gabrielle along the way. :-O

Xena is truly trapped now, looking for an escape from the fire…she finally climbs up the wall and flips through the thatched roof. Outside, she grabs Melas and demands Gabby’s location. Melas is in a daze…Gabs was right; he let his anger turn him into a monster, endangering other innocent lives! We should listen to Gabrielle, Xena snarls as she gets Argo and rides after Callisto. Point one for love and forgiveness.

Back at headquarters, Gabs is hanging sky high from a rope. Callisto climbs a ladder to talk with her. Gabs talks some smack about how Xena will “wipe the floor with you,” but Callisto is just excited. On the ground, the goons drag Joxer in. Callisto is unimpressed; he failed, after all. Joxer begs for another chance…Callisto considers, then tells the men to bring Gabs down. She’s lowered to the ground in front of Callisto and Joxer…Callisto says Joxer should slit her throat! :-O Joxer stutters a bit and makes excuses, to which Callisto screams: “I WANT HER DEAD! DO IT!” Theodorus has Gab’s head at an uncomfortable angle (kudos to Renee for looking quietly terrified,) and Joxer puts the blade up but ultimately drops it; he can’t do it. Callisto picks up her own blade and puts it to Joxer’s throat; she’s none too surprised by the outcome, but takes the time to taunt him and chain him up for later.

Nice shot of Xena and Argo pausing somewhere in the New Zealand—I mean Greek—countryside before arriving at Callisto’s camp. The warrior princess looks up—to Gabrielle, once again high in the air, and Callisto on her ladder. Our blonde warrior is really quite excited—a fight to the death with her nemesis and, “to make things more interesting,” she has Theodorus throw Gab’s rope into a torch. Once it burns, down Gabrielle will plunge into some pointy antlers…tree stubs…something! (Joxer is chained next to them, and he and Gabs continue to yell at each other. :P) Xena quickly gets to work, grabbing a ladder and climbing towards Gabrielle, but Callisto flips around and turns Xeen’s ladder horizontal. Xena has no choice but to fight Callisto on the other end, in another really excellent bit of blocking and choreography. It’s even more arresting with Gabs dangling precariously in the background. They’re really neck in neck in martial arts, so thank goodness the ladder ultimately splits down the middle. :P Xena flips to another, starts climbing, knocks out a goon and grins at Callisto who is keeping pace beside her. She then gives her battle cry and sashays her ladder to the opposite wall, which is just all kinds of awesome. Xena climbs onto the porch surrounding the building, punching out goons. Callisto answers with her banshee cry and sashays her own ladder over and disembarks, at which point Xena gets on another one, sashays back, (next to the rope, which is really burning through now,) and proceeds to make a ladder see-saw. Callisto and her men watch as Xena flips on her contraption and angles her weight so the side nearest Gabs is pointing up.

But Callisto, of course, won’t let Xena save her friend quietly. She flips onto the other end herself, making the ladder even again. Callisto then gives probably one of the most succinct breakdowns of a complicated character on television: “There was a part of me that hoped you would win and put out the rage in my heart. Sometimes, it even scares me. Then I get over it.” :P Callisto readies her final strike, when Xena chakrams Gab’s rope! :-O Down Gab begins to fall…Xena flips off, pulling Callisto down…when her feet touch the ladder again, Callisto flips up into the air just in time for Gabs to land on the other end. Callisto is now hanging on to what is left of the rope. When Theodorus tries to remove it from the flame, his leader tells him to let it burn. Looks like she’s gunning for her own death after all. Xena and Gabs, meanwhile, are slowly maneuvering so Gabs can get off at ground level. Then, when Callisto falls, Xena grabs her rope! And Callisto is left (screaming, of course) and dangling helplessly at the mercy of her worst enemy.

Later, the people of Delphi are chaining up Callisto and her men. Xena and Gabrielle walk past, and Gabs says she’s glad Xena saved Callisto. “It was the right thing to do.” “That’s what they think,” Callisto says grinningly. Kinda pat ending to an otherwise excellent episode.

The disclaimer for this one is Joxer’s nose wasn’t harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, his crossbow was severely damaged. Looks like Gabrielle is looking at a lawsuit either way. :P

After recapping, I think I have to be more firm in saying this is the best episode to date, and probably one of the best of the series. Until now, “Xena” was largely a bit of fun. Interesting characters, sure, great stunt scenes, but more than not just fluff and cheese that makes you laugh but is easily forgettable. Not to say this part of the show is gone for good. :P But in this ep, “Xena” takes a wide step over to the serious—asking some pretty complicated questions. Who’s the “white hat” and who’s the “black hat” in this episode? There’s no clear answer, is there? Of course it helps a bit that Callisto is an excellent villain—probably one of the top villains on tv. Complicated, deadly, utterly entrancing. Joxer is great, too, and I’m glad he’s introduced as a recurring character, but between the two of them, Callisto’s intro takes the cake. Really look forward to seeing her again, and what she brings to the show. (And if you’re not into the deep questions, you at least have to appreciate the incredible camera work and action sequences. :P Makes me tired just thinking about them.)

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