Xena: Warrior Princess Episode 1.21: “The Greater Good”

[chavalah.livejournal.com]

A largely silly episode with a hidden mystery. Who threw that dart?? I won’t go into more details above the cut, but it’s undoubtedly the most serious, long-lasting development of the episode.

Argo may be the main character of this episode. Her love/hate relationship with Gabrielle comes to a head and she kicks major ass against warlords. And hey—if there’s any horse who’d know how to use her legs in a fight, it would be Xena’s horse. :P

Salmoneus is back as well, with a new, lucrative gig that hearkens to modern-day companies. Suffice to say not only is this the episode where a horse kicks ass, but also a well-utilized bottle of water. :P

And finally, major props to Renne O’Connor for playing Gabrielle playing a role she’s not so great at. :P But girl’s got spirit! Hilarity ensues.


Gabrielle is doing some fancy, kinda spastic staff twirling for an unimpressed Argo. When Xena whistles for her horse from afar, Gabs angrily throws her staff and Xeen catches it. :P At least Gab has strong arm muscles! As the two humans discuss Gab and Argo’s strained relationship, Xeen says “Sometimes you have to have patience with things that annoy you.” Except this time, she wasn’t talking to the babbling bard. :P

Perhaps in an attempt to bring the two closer, Xena suggests that Gab take Argo and meet her at the road ahead. But when Xena gets there, a girl with a belching problem desperately calls her away. Lord Seltzer, who is “the most wonderful, giving, unselfish man the gods ever sent to our valley” is being attacked by the warlord Talmadeus! Elsewhere, Gabby is getting the saddle on Argo and is optimistic about this encounter. But when Xena whistles for her, Gabrielle falls and curses the horse. Back to square one.

In the girl’s village, some goons escort a man with a bag over his head out of a factory. Talmadeus’s prize! When he’s unmasked, we see that he’s none other than Salmoneus, who we last saw imprisoned (and comically attempting to capitalize on a social conflict) in “The Black Wolf.” Now, he tries begging to be spared from Talmadeus, quipping “Wouldn’t he like a nice bunch of flowers instead? Orchids are lovely this time of year.” :P As the goons attempt to burn the town down with flaming arrows, Xena chakrams the spears, then their swords, and finally flips off Argo and into the fight. From afar, a figure, slowly revealed to be a woman, though we never see her face, is seen loading a small crossbow with a dart, and firing it at long distance…it lodges in Xena’s neck! :-O Luckily, the fighting’s about done by then. But when Xena removes the object and sniffs the tip, she’s perturbed. :/ Uh oh.

Lord Seltzer’s factory is, of course, for fizzy water. :P I C Wat U Did Thar. Xena’s experiencing slight blurriness, but she ignores it while she grills Salmoneus for why Talmadeus is after him. Although at first Sal tries to weave a story, he ultimately admits that he sold the warlord talmacite swords and belt buckles, which appear like real lead, but once a rain storm hit…alas. Sal wants a quick exit but Xena wants to protect the villagers. Luckily Sal is easily distracted by micromanaging his Seltzer workers. :P

Talmadeus arm wrestles a goon in his camp, but when the head goon from the village tells him that not only do they not have Salmoneus but Xena showed up, he angrily shoves the other guy’s hand in some hot cinders. Youch. Talmadeus, with cropped wavy hair and a grizzled face, is hellbent on vengeance. He gathers some of his men to go to the village. Xena, darting from the bushes, falls into formation behind them. When the lieutenant looks back, she waves. :P Cute. He charges through his men, and Xena picks him off his horse. She spins through the rest of the men, knocking them down like bowling pins. She gets out her sword for Talmadeus, but Xena’s strength suddenly fails her…he’s able to kick her in the stomach and she falls! She attempts to get up while rubbing her neck, but her vision is more blurry. Xena is completely incapacitated. Talmadeus raises his sword…but Gabs, watching horrified from under cover, hurls her staff and knocks the sword out of his hand. He’s incapacitated long enough for Xena to knock him unconscious. But the men are starting to wake up...a sweaty Xena whistles for Argo and then holds on to her for balance. Gabs joins her, then they both kick their feet up and Argo takes them away. Impressive horse! Meanwhile, a revived Talmadeus is confident he saw fear in Xena’s eyes. :/

At the factory Gabrielle is helping Xena get out of her armor, but she can’t keep from yelling at her about the risks she took. They finally get down to business though—Xena’s sniffing confirmed that the paralyzing talmic poison was on the dart; Xena’s feet are already gone, her legs are following, and then, probably, her arms. It’ll also definitely get worse before it gets better. :/ Yikes. Salmoneus stops by to say they need to pick a leader, but Gabs is still adamant that leader is Xena. Salmoneus points out that Talmadeus knows that Xena’s not well, so he’ll have to be convinced that she’s ok? How? Gabs asks. Xena and Salmoneus give her a look. Oh dear…

…cue theme music with a repeat of the opening rendition of Xena putting on her armor. But when we get to her face, we see that it’s Gab with her hair dyed black! Even more LOL-worthy…the armor immediately falls off of her chest. :P Oh dear. Salmoneus hurries to assist her. Xena feels confident, though, that an appearance of Gab-as-Xeen should scare Talmadeus off when he comes knockin’. Gabrielle goes over the plan—she stands there and waves a fake chakram—a solid circle of wood—and then the warlord leaves. Simple. :P Salmoneus asks her to try Xena’s battle cry, which comes off very lackluster, until Sal tightens her leather straps tautly. :P Xena sends him away and then tells Gabs privately to ride in and out quickly. That’s right…she’ll have to be with Argo. Nice bit of continuity—Xena brings up the childhood pony Gabs mentioned back in “A Fistful of Dinars”—Tympani—but this only leads to Gabs reminiscing about when he died. :/ Kinda heavy-handed for the emotions she’s dealing with in this present circumstance.

Outside, Gabs attempts to call a truce with Argo. She’s able to climb on board…but when she whistles, Argo just lies down for a nap. :P Wonderful. Salmoneus tries a more forceful one, which takes Argo tearing out of the village. Guess that’s the idea of it! Meanwhile, Talmadeus’s men seem pretty optimistic that Xena is limping away to safety now. But then comes a trilling battle cry…and Gab-as-Xeen enters the scene! (“Does she seem smaller than before?” a goon asks. :P) The smack talk is going ok…except that Gab-as-Xeen’s whistle leads to Argo laying down again. Woops. They run towards her, which finally encourages the horse to get her act together! Gab-as-Xeen rides back to the village and holds up the fake chakram with a threat. “Whoever gets her…gets her,” is the only response she gets from the goons. Gabrielle throws it…but Xena, poking out unseen from the factory, throws the real one, which knocks the fake out of the way and does it’s usual thing. It knocks the tops off of the compressed fizzy water, which shoots high-pressure missiles at the men. Hee. Even the corks act as bullets of a sort. The goons retreat…but unseen Xena is suddenly very woozy. Ack.

The belching girl and other villagers thank Xena for helping their most revered Lord Seltzer. Xena casts a look at Sal and says she’s sure he’s mostly concerned about them. He rushes off to address his folks, leaving Xena and Gab alone again. With guards posted, Xena instructs that everyone should board up their homes and stay inside until Talmadeus is gone for good. Gabs implores her to think about herself at this juncture (“are you going to die?” she asks to soulful music) but Xeen refuses: “It’s not about me. It’s about these people. That’s why we’re here. People like this used to be my victims…It’s for the greater good—remember that.” Ah, the crux of Xena’s personal mission.

Talmadeus has gone back to his bottom line—get Salmoneus no matter what. Gab-as-Xeen’s warrior cry is slightly stronger this time…sudden incoming of flaming sand bags! The camp is in serious trouble as the goons scramble to get on the defensive. We switch to Gabrielle, getting more loud and confident with each swung, flaming bag. She’s ready to ride in on Argo, holding high her staff…but Talmadeus grabs his own staff, trips Argo and sends Gab-as-Xeen flying into the horse trough! When she stands, the black ink is running from her hair…she’s not Xena!, the warriors realize. Uh oh.

Later, the theme to Xena’s redemptive Gauntlet walk from long ago plays as she lays on her side and blurrily tries to organize her weapons. A pair of goons enter from behind, quiet and unseen… the vocals go on forebodingly as Xena says thickly, “where is it? I hate uninvited guests.” But when the goon behind her yells (really, goon?) and prepares to strike with his sword, Xena turns and sprays him with the pressurized fizzy water. He falls back and Xena ties the bottle to a rope, using it as the propulsion to swing into the other goon’s face. Finally, she winds the rope against the first goon’s foot and drags him over. When he rolls on top of her to beat her with pure strength, she gives him the pinch, and then administers more pinches to use his legs as kicking machines when goon two comes near. Basically, it’s a really kickass fight, especially for a woman who collapses in exhaustion when it’s done.

Meanwhile, at camp, Talmadeus is figuring Xena’s tricksy ways with her double. Gab suggests that maybe her being captured is part of the gag…quick on your feet! The warrior says he admires her bravery—but he has to kill her anyway. Gab’s protests go in vain…who’s gonna save the babbling bard? The horse, of course! :P Argo runs in and starts kicking the goons in the chest with her back legs. She’s basically the non-human version of her mistress. :P With the goons distracted Gab is able to grab her staff and join in the fight before vaulting on Argo and riding off. The goons go for their horses but Talmadeus says it isn’t worth the trouble. I think he’s trying to hide the fact that his tail is between his legs. :P Gab re-does her battle cry.

Salmoneus enters his factory and sees Xena facedown on the ground and unresponsive. :/ He flips her over and tries to revive her, no such luck. He checks for a pulse, but looks grim—there’s nothing. :( “I will miss you,” Sal says solemnly as the camera zooms for a distance shot. In b-roll, the sun sets.

Talmadeus smacks one of his men for suggesting that Xena might be alive. It’s time to start in on his plan for the village in earnest. Gabrielle runs into the factory, calling for Xena, but finds Salmoneus and the villagers gathered mournfully instead. Sal blocks her, and Gab’s face says it all. The villagers disperse so she can see Xena’s body, as covered with a cloth. Gabrielle walks slowly towards her friend, lifts the cloth from her face, and touches her cheek for a long while. Salmoneus shooes the villagers away quietly as the female vocals play softly. Gabrielle kneels next to Xena, still touching her face. Salmoneus kneels next to her and Gabs sniffles and kisses Xena’s cheek. Salmoneus is ready to discuss a strategy now—we’ve got to get out of here. Gabrielle stands and instead lays out ways that the villagers can build up a defense against the warriors. Salmoneus protests—how long can villagers hold off Talmadeus? Gabs says she’ll run for help—she thinks Iolaus is there (I didn’t realize they were penpals. :P) Salmoneus insists on coming along, not wanting to be killed, and Gabs repeats Xena’s mantra. “We are staying and fighting for the greater good.” Her voice resolute, she says get to work, and strides out to take Argo. But once she’s away from everyone else, she takes her staff and beats the crap out of a tree, yelling hysterically. She collapses, gasping, and tries another one of the warrior princess’s mottos—gotta focus.

Salmoneus sits by Xena’s covered body, and says, resignedly, he knows what he has to do. We then see him in Talmadeus’s camp where he’s posing a deal: take him and Xena and let the villagers go. Talmadeus accepts—giving a firm, painful handshake. Sal confirms that Xena is dead and her body is at his factory. OK, Talmadeus says—take my army there where they can confirm this, and then I’ll let everyone go. Oh don’t worry, I’m a man of my word. :P Yeah, right. Once Salmoneus leaves, Talmadeus crows about how many slaves he’s about to acquire for the market. :/ Lovely.

Later, as promised, the army is standing in the village with the people and Xena’s body, which rolls, unceremoniously, out of the cloth and onto the ground. When Talmadeus laughs and asks who killed the warrior princess, Sal says he doesn’t know. Well, that’s obvious, says Talmadeus—I killed her! What every warlord wants to claim. :P His goons yell their support and then hold Sal at gunpoint. Talmadeus reveals his true plans for the villagers as Salmoneus is dragged off—we had a deal! Meanwhile, two horses—one is Argo, of course—are brought out to tear Xena’s body limb from limb. But suddenly the goons start going down—we see that it’s Gabrielle, still in Xena’s gear, with her staff! At one point she knocks a sword out of someone’s hand, it flies into the air, and the flips and grabs it. Again, Talmadeus is impressed. Gabs jabs it in his face, saying she’s taking Xena’s body and leaving. “I might ask you to join,” Talmadeus says…quite the far cry from where she was at the beginning of the season! But instead of asking, he taunts her, saying she’s obviously never held a sword before. When Gab’s eyes flicker briefly, he knocks it out of her hands and grabs her. “Such nobility is a waste of time!” he snarls, clearly ready to get to business. He throws her to his men where she’s restrained like Salmoneus with a knife to the throat.

Other goons drag Xena’s body to the horses, tie her up and start whipping the animals…nothing happens. They whip harder, Gabs struggles, but the horses still don’t move! Finally Talmadeus recognizes Argo and orders her killed. But as a goon strides forward with a raised sword, it’s deflected by a chakram…it’s Xena! Given her stance and the look in her eye, she’s clearly recovered from her incapacitation. Xena flips Argo’s would-be-murderer over and threatens that he should never touch her horse again. :P She runs towards advancing goons and uses the leg-kicking magic on them. She throws a staff at Gabs so she can free herself, and Sal’s captor releases him on his own. Gab runs up to lecture Xena on everything she put her through until Xeen reminds her they’re in the middle of a fight. :P Woops. Salmoneus, meanwhile, is freeing the villagers and telling them to get out. But Talmoneus grabs him—at least he can have this revenge! He holds a knife to his neck until Xena calls him from behind and punches his lights out. Sal thanks her and runs, leaving the stage clear for the Xena/Talmadeus showdown #2. :P Probably more accurate to form this time. Talmadeus does get a few kicks in, but amidst their smack-talking, Xeen headbutts him. She then climbs up his body, legs around his neck, punches his face and flips him over. He lands in the horse trough (déjà vu!) surrounded by villagers bearing swords of fallen goons. Tying up all the motifs of the episode, Talmadeus hides himself under the water. :P

Later Gabs is rubbing Argo’s snout—the sign of friendship! Xena is happy about it, at least. The two of them are wearing their normal attire again. Gab’s admits anger—she thought Xeen was dead, after all. The warrior princess says she was—the poison shut her body down, and she had to “go under” to fight the effects. Sounds almost spiritual…a theme that will continue throughout the show. They point out the dart thrower is still an unknown, but whoever it was knew what he…or she…was doing. But Xena is more taken right now on how Gab’s risked her life to take her body home. “I used to wonder if I’d ever make it back. Now I know, one way or another, I’m going home some day.” This is sweet. Many episodes end on the “family you make” motif, but this specific exchange feels particularly earned. Gab was amazing this ep. :P Anywho. They end on their usual jocular note, but the music, which played over the mysterious woman, is back again…

The disclaimer is Excessive belching can cause brain damage and social ostracism. Kids, please don’t give into peer pressure. Play it safe. A creative one, to be sure, but has almost nothing to do with the ep.

So yes, very enjoyable! I like how Argo is an actual character on the show, and her relationship with Gabrielle (to say nothing of Xena) holds some weight. I also like Salmoneus—he has some hilarious lines and a mind for the next deal, but he also shows how self-sacrificing he can be. Renee and Robert Trevor provided the comedy this time between the “Seltzer” humor and the Xena impersonation. :P But beyond all this fun lies the question—just who shot the poison dart at Xena from so far away, and why? It’s a question with far-reaching consequences, and it’s about to get answered sooner rather than later.

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