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scifi_rewatchThis episode introduces one of the most beloved, repeat-role side-characters of “Xena”…(well, technically he’d already debuted over at “Hercules” where Iolaus almost dies for his crime of stealing some jewels. But like in this story, Autolycus, “The King of Thieves” actually has a bit of a heart under his posturing exterior.)
From the offset, comedic character actor Bruce Campbell pulls the whole thing off with aplomb. I should probably also give kudos to the writers for his hilarious and witty lines. In a show that’s been filled with supporting characters who come and go, Autolycus makes a lasting impression. We’ll be seeing him again soon!
This week also delves a little into my own religion, Judaism…or at least the Xenaverse’s take on religious history and mythology. It was actually a pretty flattering betrayal (not always the case, like in another episode I can recall,) but something about it rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it was likening an important religious doctrine to “a weapon.” Maybe—and this is likely me reading into things that aren’t there—it was like saying that monotheistic belief was somehow “the right truth” that was waiting in the wings for a more modern time period, but the truth is that Hebrew religion is older than Greco-Roman religion. (And on that note, what the hell are a bunch of Hebrews with important religious artifacts doing randomly in Greece?) Of course, all of this and more falls under Xenaverse’s doctrine of mixing and twisting real-world events for the sake of the show. It’s done out of the desire for entertainment, but religious groups often take umbrage, most prominently in season four, I believe. But enough of my philosophizing; on with the show!
Figures cloaked in brown make their way through a town square, holding aloft a jeweled staff as people bow. Another cloaked figure, in black, walks from the sidelines, and raises a bow and arrow attached to a rope. He shoots it across the street as the figures pass below him, and then swings across with a “Yodel-ay-HEE-HOO!” He grabs the jewel and shares a tender moment with it before taking off the cloak (it’s Autolycus, of course,) cackling and running. But Xena is there to intercept him! “We need to talk,” she says. “Talk is cheap; I have an expensive ear,” Auto replies, and makes a run for it. Xena pursues amidst the pandemonium, flipping onto some streamers stretched across the street before jumping down in front of him. Gabrielle, decked in one of the brown cloaks, joins her. Auto refuses to give up his new trinket, to which Xena replies “Now what would I want with a melted chunk of rock sugar?” Sure enough, it’s coming apart in Autolycus’s hands! He’s been duped. In a move that must have inspired Johnny Depp and the writers of “Pirates of the Caribbean,” Auto attempts to escape with a snappy line about almost being able to catch “The Prince of Thieves,” and then Xena pulls the rug out from under him. :P He knows who she is now, and she’s got a proposal for him. “I want you to steal the most valuable object in the world.” “Well, things are looking up!” Auto says brightly.
Later, the three of them sit in a tavern where Xena has tied up Auto’s hands, but gives him the decency of putting a cloth napkin on top of them. We learn that Hercules leaked Autolycus’s name to Xena and that he doesn’t do any stealing from the warlord, Malthus. “We have an arrangement; I don’t steal from him, he doesn’t gouge my eyes out with hot pokers.” Sounds quite reasonable. Auto showcases his magically free hands to Gabs while Xena is rooting under the table for a utensil he dropped. Of course, Xena wants him to steal a chest from Malthus…its value comes from jewels inlaid on the outside, plus a “valuable weapon” on the in. They don’t know what this weapon is, but Malthus wants to auction it off to some ruthless warlords. Xena, meanwhile, wants to retrieve it for the friends he stole it from. Auto’s had enough by now, refuses her offer, sarcastically commends her methods of keeping him prisoner…and then trips on his tied shoelaces when he tries to leave. :P Looks like Xena was rooting around for more than utensils before.
Above him, Xena and Gabs have a mock-conversation about how a “real” King of Thieves would jump at this chance. Was Hercules wrong about this guy’s rap? “You’re trying to use my ego against me,” Auto notes. “I didn’t think it would work,” Gabs responds. “No, it worked—I’ll do it.” Ego: Auto’s biggest weakness. :P At the village where Xena’s friends live, the leader professes his thanks for Autolycus’s help. “Your gratitude is all any man could ever want…however, this particular man has financial needs,” Auto opines. Xena and Gabrielle aren’t thrilled that he’s taking advantage of these poor people, but ultimately they agree on 2,000 coins now, 2,000 later. As the leader says: “Have you ever known anything that defines what you are as a person and a people?” To others it might just be a chest, but to them “it’s who we are.” (Undoubtedly the most accurate depiction of Jewish mythos on this show. :P) And we’re good to go!
Xena’s plan is for Autolycus to pose as the wealthy warlord, Sinteres, a man so deadly that he can kill with toothpicks, among other seemingly harmless objects. He also likes waxing philosophy and dressing in fine clothes. Sounds like the kind of gig Auto could excel at. He’s already wearing a beautiful ring that he “got” from a royal princess, though Gab doesn’t seem to be catching on to the fine print of that statement. :P Xena will pose as “Sinteres’s” assistant, which thrills Auto even more. He immediately finds a skimpy disguise for her; “the assistant to Sinteres would wear no less.” “Any less and there wouldn’t be,” Gab opines. :P Auto steals a lot of her wit this episode; glad she got that dig in. Xena flat out refuses, and finds a simple, blue dress instead.
Once they’re aboard the boat that will take them to Malthus’s island, Xena makes sure to out “Sinteres” to the other warlords immediately. They crowd in close to this famed killer, and one of them snarls “I don’t fear you.” A hearty laugh and loud “BOO!” solves that. :P Xena quickly reverts to the doting servant role, so Auto decides to introduce her as his concubine, “Cherish,” and is able to order her to put on the skimpy dress. The look on Xena’s face doesn’t bode well for alone time, though.
Over dinner, “Sinteres” smooth-talks about what it’s like to kill folks with apricots and muffins. One particularly gruff, glaring man asks what he used to kill “Neolos,” and poor Auto can’t take a hint when he promises the anonymous dude died a horrible death. “He was my brother,” the gruff guy, Prognese, says. Uh oh. “Well, of course, I might be thinking of the other Neolos,” Auto backpedals. :P But he’s back to his smooth-talking about heaving bosoms when “Cherish” arrives to sexy music. She drags her partner off to voice her discontent…but suddenly Progmese sends them both barreling off the ship! They’re holding on to the side by Auto’s rope-bow!
Prognese is much with the gloating; “no one murders a member of my family without paying a price.” Of course, by the time he finishes, “Sinteres” is already leaning casually across from him. He draws out the moment with a speech about killing or injuring him while Xena, still dangling off the side, arranges his bow and arrow so it would look like he shot Prognese in the chest. The other warlords gasp and Autolycus smacks his lips. “Well, that worked up an appetite. And hunger is the gods’ way of saying…eat!” Well said…except he leaves Xena still dangling over the side. Uh oh.
Auto carries on with his smooth-talk dinner ways, claiming he’s unsure of “Cherish’s” whereabouts. Auto claims she’s keeping her distance, as a shy virgin. “A woman’s chastity is like a new hat; a beautiful thing that…is about to kill me,” he stammers as a dripping, glaring Xena enters. She takes this opportunity to turn the conversation back to the weapon on Malthus’s island, but Auto isn’t playing along with gathering intel. “How about some grapes?” he asks. Xena makes sure he nearly chokes on it. :P
Now at Malthus’s castle his assistant, Arkel, shows them all to their rooms. He doesn’t want them wandering, Xena notes. And it’s time to figure out a plan to steal back the chest. Xena’s theory is that Malthus will just let them go without explanation if he finds the chest missing. He “has a big ego—almost as big as yours.” “Nothing is as big as mine,” Auto counters proudly. :P His attention is now on the fact that there’s only one bed in here. A suggestive look gets him nowhere so he suggests a coin toss—Xena flips him and wins. :D
And finally, we’re introduced to Malthus! He’s gathered all the warlords and is pontificating about “power” and already knowing the weapon’s secret, so don’t even think of using it on him. Plus—as he pulls a curtain to reveal the chest sitting on a low table—it’s surrounded by invisible threads that will set off a large alarm bell if pulled. The room will be locked until a demonstration tomorrow, and he has the only key. He’s about to dismiss them when “Sinteres” steps forward with a proposition. To show his gratitude to Malthus, he presents Cherish and her dance of the, uh, three veils. Even though she’s only wearing two. :P The men don’t seem to mind, though.
“Cherish” starts dancing seductively, pulling out veils to James Bond-sounding music with an eastern undertow. While the men are distracted Auto cases the room, scooping up some candle wax and then making an imprint of Malthus’s key. “What did you pay for her?” an entranced, if unobservant Malthus asks. (At the time, she puts the pinch on someone during a lap dance. :P) “She might just be the added incentive on my bid for the chest, eh?” “Sinteres” suggests. And he’s not done—prodding “they want to see more, Cherish,” which sends some food flying in his face, courtesy of Xena and feminists everywhere. :P
Later that night, and dressed in their usual clothes, Xena and Autolycus use their newly-minted key to gain access to the chest room. They plan to tie the chest to the anchor when the ship comes for them once it’s discovered missing. Auto is feeling pretty confident about disabling the bells—as for the invisible strings; pfft, “that’s the oldest trick in the book.” They throw back the curtain to grab the chest…and there’s Malthus, dead on top of it! :-O Autolycus, of course, sets off the invisible hair alarm, and the two make a run for it.
Later, Arkel gathers all the warlords in the chest room to show off Malthus’s dead body. “Someone in this room killed him and stole the chest,” he accuses. Too bad, “Sinteres” laments; so when’s the boat leaving? The boat is gone, Arkel says. And it’s staying gone until he gets the chest—or the murderer. Autolycus, out of smooth talk, mutters to Xena that this is his cue to exit.
In private, he theorizes that with Malthus and his ego dead, their plan will never work. “Any good thief knows when to back off and pick another pocket.” Xena says it’s not an option; the chest is too important to her friends. “Find less demanding friends,” is Auto’s advice. Xena sits on the bed and relates the story of how she met these people. They took her in after she was wounded in battle. One even died to protect her. “I can’t expect you to understand that.”
But Autolycus has more depth than Xena gives him credit for. He doesn’t just steal because his daddy taught him to—his parents were dead, in fact, and he was raised by a brother who was ultimately killed. Stealing was borne of necessity, kind of like how Xena first started fighting to save her village. The good news is that her story moved Auto, and he’s back on board. Anywho. Auto claims the bed this time but as he pulls back the curtains they find—the chest! Conveniently just as some of the guards are knocking to do room searches. :P The two of them scramble to find a new hiding place, but as Auto complains: “Multi-million dinar castle and no closets.” :P Tension is mounting as the guards demand entrance; ultimately Xena and Auto pile on top of the chest on the bed. Looks rather like “Cherish” is giving “Sinteres” a sexual massage as they burst in; hubba, hubba. “Sinteres” is enraged… “Cherish, my toothpicks!” The guards hastily retreat. :P After Auto’s attempts to continue the massage are violently rebuffed Xena reads the fine print on the chest—“Do not fear the truth, face it, for to turn away from the truth is death.” Anyway, their next move, much to Auto’s bewilderment, is to put the chest back where it came from. This is the only place the guards aren’t searching, after all, and it will tell the person framing them to back off.
They’re above the table in the chest room, starting to lower it down via rope. They talk briefly about Hercules, and the romantic relationship, or lack thereof, between him and Xena. Stop butting in, other show! :P Anywho, Auto has to lower himself down and then Xena will swing the chest to him. “A kiss before I…” Xena shoves him off, and he goes with another “Yodel-ay-HEE-hoo!” Xena swings him the rope to lower the chest, but of course Arkel’s voice comes from right outside the doors. Xena—luckily wearing “Cherish’s” outfit this time—moves to intercept him. The thought of a man dying in this room makes her “blood boil,” she purrs. Also, she was expecting Arkel. She left “Sinteres” passed out in his chambers, and not behind Arkel attempting to lower the chest. :P Xena makes sure that his eyes remain on her, even when complications arise. She’s interested in a new lover…and she gives Arkel a steamy kiss. “By the gods, you are an animal!” she groans as “Sinteres” crawls out the door and makes it appear like he just arrived. “Cherish” stutters a bit; “we were just talking!” and “Sinteres” leads her away, leaving Arkel to note the newly-returned chest on the table.
In the morning, Arkel greets the warlords over breakfast with the news that the chest has been returned, some fishermen “will be wiped off the face of the Earth” to show its power, and oh yeah, here are some new people—the REAL Sinteres and…an imprisoned Gabrielle! Dum dum DUUM!
A nervous Gabrielle apologizes for ruining the plan, but Xena is wearing her trademark grin; “I was getting tired of this game anyway.” The real Sinteres, while playing havoc with Gab’s head and some pressure points, is thrilled to meet her; not so much with his imposter; “The King…of Thieves,” Autoclycus introduces himself a bit less cockily than usual. Prognese, still alive and kicking, begs the honor of killing the imposters, but Xena outs him as Malthus’s murderer! When Arkel told them the news of his death, Prognese had repeated some words written on the chest. Arkel promptly calls for his death, and Sinteres steps in to do the deed, leaving Arkel to hold a dagger to Gabs. He goes to Prognese, pontificating about death having “a thousand doors to let out life.” His personal touch for this presentation is to stab some pressure points in his arm, then legs and chest; Prognese goes down. “As you feel the blood drain from your lifeless heart, I explode your brain!” Sinteres cackles while poking Prognese in the eyes. Rather cheesy, but it does get the job done. Time for Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus to make a hasty weapon, thanks once again to Auto’s bow and arrow! Sinteres wants to go after them but Arkel leaves that o his men; “Right now, I want to test this marvelous weapon.”
Once our threesome has acquired safe distance, Xena tends to Gabrielle’s pressure point problem, leaving her with a headache that makes her wish she was dead. Xena sends her off to follow Arkel et al to see where they take the villagers while she and Auto will prep for battle. “Is your life always like this?” a bewildered Auto asks Xena. “Pretty much.” :P Back at the abandoned castle, they change into their normal clothes, back to back. Their talk switches back to Hercules, and how shocked Auto is that he passed up this “diamond in the rough” to be his lady love. Xena makes him stutter over his compliment, then turns to face him while letting loose that they might have felt some attraction, but “neither one of us wants to fool ourselves.” They have two different shows to run, after all. :P For the moment, Xena and Auto are looking pretty suggestive themselves. “There are those of us who live to fool ourselves,” Auto suggests.
Elsewhere, the warlords lead the villagers by poking them with spears. Gabs watches from the brush, placing a rock marker on the trail, only to look up and find Sinteres grinning down at her! Uh oh. Looks like at least she’d left enough markers for Xena to find the cave where everyone is, because here she comes to ruin the party. Sinteres cackles over how he promises to make do on this enjoyable fight between the two of them—“even though this will be the last bit of joy you ever experience on this Earth.” Gulp. Autolycus enters to hold off the guards…he can fight, too! “Should I concentrate on anyone in particular or do we hate them all?” he asks Xeen. “Every lat one of them,” she replies. Once the guards are downed, Gabs leads the villagers to safety.
Sinteres is flexing his fingers in a way that looks like a mix between martial arts and being a bug with pincers. :P The two of them block each other’s blows, then Xena gets some pressure points on his leg and he gets some pressure points on her shoulder. They both right themselves, but are rubbing their wounds. Then Sinteres delivers a brutal blow to her legs! She goes down…he’s about to get her eyes…but Xena blocks him and the delivers a death blow to his chest. And Sinteres goes doooown.
Arkel now has the chest, and opens it despite Xena’s protests. The two of them, plus Gabs and Auto, are now the only ones in the cave. A bright light in the chest coalesces into a ball that juts outward to ethereal music. “Don’t fear the truth, face it,” Xena cautions her friends. The light intensifies and Arkel turns to flee. As he does, a bolt shoots out and spears him through the chest, burning him alive! Then the light settles peacefully back into the chest. Xena, Gabs and Auto walk forward to the ashen remains of Arkel. “That was incredible!” Gabby gasps. “And you want to return this to your friends?” Auto asks doubtfully. “It belongs to them,” Xena replies. She pulls out two stone tablets, which Auto proceeds to read…”Thou shalt not covet, thou shalt not steal…who can live by these laws?” Well certainly not you, Auto, as you’ve proven. :P
The threesome are reunited with Xena’s friends where the leader gives Auto a pouch of all he has. “Theft is not a thing we admire—but you truly are the King of Thieves,” he backward-compliments him. :P Auto asks that he spread the word around, and then turns to say goodbye to the ladies. “What can I say to you?” he asks Xena. “I’ve never had a partner in crime before and after this—I never will.” Ta-da-ching. They lean in suggestively again, then Xena sticks out her hand, which Autolycus kisses. Gabrielle admits that she likes him as he walks away, “even though, when you strip it all away, he’s just a thief for hire.” “Is he?” Xena counters. Now we cut to the friends who are leaving with the chest on a wagon…plus Auto’s money bag. Such a mesnch! “I wish I knew he was going to do that,” Gabrielle sighs. “Or else I wouldn’t have taken this.” She holds up a hand with his ring. You go, Gabs; you stole from the best! Xena lectures her on not following what was written on the tablets. “I promise I’ll give it back—as soon as I find the owner.” Kind of love that Gabs gets the last witty line.
And the disclaimer for this episode is: No ancient and inflexible rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the making of this motion picture. I dunno, “Xena,” you kinda flouted those dictates about stealing and murder for the entirety of the episode. :P
This was a really fun episode, if for no other reason, then because Autolycus is a “tour-de-force.” I can’t wait to see him again, and am saddened that he’ll drop off after the fourth season. As for the religion stuff, I should really let it go, because they actually treated Jewish (Christian-Muslim) mythology with some reverence. I especially liked the line about how the people used these laws to define themselves—very Jewish sentiment. And I hope everybody, no matter their religious affiliation or lack thereof, enjoyed this episode!
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From the offset, comedic character actor Bruce Campbell pulls the whole thing off with aplomb. I should probably also give kudos to the writers for his hilarious and witty lines. In a show that’s been filled with supporting characters who come and go, Autolycus makes a lasting impression. We’ll be seeing him again soon!
This week also delves a little into my own religion, Judaism…or at least the Xenaverse’s take on religious history and mythology. It was actually a pretty flattering betrayal (not always the case, like in another episode I can recall,) but something about it rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it was likening an important religious doctrine to “a weapon.” Maybe—and this is likely me reading into things that aren’t there—it was like saying that monotheistic belief was somehow “the right truth” that was waiting in the wings for a more modern time period, but the truth is that Hebrew religion is older than Greco-Roman religion. (And on that note, what the hell are a bunch of Hebrews with important religious artifacts doing randomly in Greece?) Of course, all of this and more falls under Xenaverse’s doctrine of mixing and twisting real-world events for the sake of the show. It’s done out of the desire for entertainment, but religious groups often take umbrage, most prominently in season four, I believe. But enough of my philosophizing; on with the show!
Figures cloaked in brown make their way through a town square, holding aloft a jeweled staff as people bow. Another cloaked figure, in black, walks from the sidelines, and raises a bow and arrow attached to a rope. He shoots it across the street as the figures pass below him, and then swings across with a “Yodel-ay-HEE-HOO!” He grabs the jewel and shares a tender moment with it before taking off the cloak (it’s Autolycus, of course,) cackling and running. But Xena is there to intercept him! “We need to talk,” she says. “Talk is cheap; I have an expensive ear,” Auto replies, and makes a run for it. Xena pursues amidst the pandemonium, flipping onto some streamers stretched across the street before jumping down in front of him. Gabrielle, decked in one of the brown cloaks, joins her. Auto refuses to give up his new trinket, to which Xena replies “Now what would I want with a melted chunk of rock sugar?” Sure enough, it’s coming apart in Autolycus’s hands! He’s been duped. In a move that must have inspired Johnny Depp and the writers of “Pirates of the Caribbean,” Auto attempts to escape with a snappy line about almost being able to catch “The Prince of Thieves,” and then Xena pulls the rug out from under him. :P He knows who she is now, and she’s got a proposal for him. “I want you to steal the most valuable object in the world.” “Well, things are looking up!” Auto says brightly.
Later, the three of them sit in a tavern where Xena has tied up Auto’s hands, but gives him the decency of putting a cloth napkin on top of them. We learn that Hercules leaked Autolycus’s name to Xena and that he doesn’t do any stealing from the warlord, Malthus. “We have an arrangement; I don’t steal from him, he doesn’t gouge my eyes out with hot pokers.” Sounds quite reasonable. Auto showcases his magically free hands to Gabs while Xena is rooting under the table for a utensil he dropped. Of course, Xena wants him to steal a chest from Malthus…its value comes from jewels inlaid on the outside, plus a “valuable weapon” on the in. They don’t know what this weapon is, but Malthus wants to auction it off to some ruthless warlords. Xena, meanwhile, wants to retrieve it for the friends he stole it from. Auto’s had enough by now, refuses her offer, sarcastically commends her methods of keeping him prisoner…and then trips on his tied shoelaces when he tries to leave. :P Looks like Xena was rooting around for more than utensils before.
Above him, Xena and Gabs have a mock-conversation about how a “real” King of Thieves would jump at this chance. Was Hercules wrong about this guy’s rap? “You’re trying to use my ego against me,” Auto notes. “I didn’t think it would work,” Gabs responds. “No, it worked—I’ll do it.” Ego: Auto’s biggest weakness. :P At the village where Xena’s friends live, the leader professes his thanks for Autolycus’s help. “Your gratitude is all any man could ever want…however, this particular man has financial needs,” Auto opines. Xena and Gabrielle aren’t thrilled that he’s taking advantage of these poor people, but ultimately they agree on 2,000 coins now, 2,000 later. As the leader says: “Have you ever known anything that defines what you are as a person and a people?” To others it might just be a chest, but to them “it’s who we are.” (Undoubtedly the most accurate depiction of Jewish mythos on this show. :P) And we’re good to go!
Xena’s plan is for Autolycus to pose as the wealthy warlord, Sinteres, a man so deadly that he can kill with toothpicks, among other seemingly harmless objects. He also likes waxing philosophy and dressing in fine clothes. Sounds like the kind of gig Auto could excel at. He’s already wearing a beautiful ring that he “got” from a royal princess, though Gab doesn’t seem to be catching on to the fine print of that statement. :P Xena will pose as “Sinteres’s” assistant, which thrills Auto even more. He immediately finds a skimpy disguise for her; “the assistant to Sinteres would wear no less.” “Any less and there wouldn’t be,” Gab opines. :P Auto steals a lot of her wit this episode; glad she got that dig in. Xena flat out refuses, and finds a simple, blue dress instead.
Once they’re aboard the boat that will take them to Malthus’s island, Xena makes sure to out “Sinteres” to the other warlords immediately. They crowd in close to this famed killer, and one of them snarls “I don’t fear you.” A hearty laugh and loud “BOO!” solves that. :P Xena quickly reverts to the doting servant role, so Auto decides to introduce her as his concubine, “Cherish,” and is able to order her to put on the skimpy dress. The look on Xena’s face doesn’t bode well for alone time, though.
Over dinner, “Sinteres” smooth-talks about what it’s like to kill folks with apricots and muffins. One particularly gruff, glaring man asks what he used to kill “Neolos,” and poor Auto can’t take a hint when he promises the anonymous dude died a horrible death. “He was my brother,” the gruff guy, Prognese, says. Uh oh. “Well, of course, I might be thinking of the other Neolos,” Auto backpedals. :P But he’s back to his smooth-talking about heaving bosoms when “Cherish” arrives to sexy music. She drags her partner off to voice her discontent…but suddenly Progmese sends them both barreling off the ship! They’re holding on to the side by Auto’s rope-bow!
Prognese is much with the gloating; “no one murders a member of my family without paying a price.” Of course, by the time he finishes, “Sinteres” is already leaning casually across from him. He draws out the moment with a speech about killing or injuring him while Xena, still dangling off the side, arranges his bow and arrow so it would look like he shot Prognese in the chest. The other warlords gasp and Autolycus smacks his lips. “Well, that worked up an appetite. And hunger is the gods’ way of saying…eat!” Well said…except he leaves Xena still dangling over the side. Uh oh.
Auto carries on with his smooth-talk dinner ways, claiming he’s unsure of “Cherish’s” whereabouts. Auto claims she’s keeping her distance, as a shy virgin. “A woman’s chastity is like a new hat; a beautiful thing that…is about to kill me,” he stammers as a dripping, glaring Xena enters. She takes this opportunity to turn the conversation back to the weapon on Malthus’s island, but Auto isn’t playing along with gathering intel. “How about some grapes?” he asks. Xena makes sure he nearly chokes on it. :P
Now at Malthus’s castle his assistant, Arkel, shows them all to their rooms. He doesn’t want them wandering, Xena notes. And it’s time to figure out a plan to steal back the chest. Xena’s theory is that Malthus will just let them go without explanation if he finds the chest missing. He “has a big ego—almost as big as yours.” “Nothing is as big as mine,” Auto counters proudly. :P His attention is now on the fact that there’s only one bed in here. A suggestive look gets him nowhere so he suggests a coin toss—Xena flips him and wins. :D
And finally, we’re introduced to Malthus! He’s gathered all the warlords and is pontificating about “power” and already knowing the weapon’s secret, so don’t even think of using it on him. Plus—as he pulls a curtain to reveal the chest sitting on a low table—it’s surrounded by invisible threads that will set off a large alarm bell if pulled. The room will be locked until a demonstration tomorrow, and he has the only key. He’s about to dismiss them when “Sinteres” steps forward with a proposition. To show his gratitude to Malthus, he presents Cherish and her dance of the, uh, three veils. Even though she’s only wearing two. :P The men don’t seem to mind, though.
“Cherish” starts dancing seductively, pulling out veils to James Bond-sounding music with an eastern undertow. While the men are distracted Auto cases the room, scooping up some candle wax and then making an imprint of Malthus’s key. “What did you pay for her?” an entranced, if unobservant Malthus asks. (At the time, she puts the pinch on someone during a lap dance. :P) “She might just be the added incentive on my bid for the chest, eh?” “Sinteres” suggests. And he’s not done—prodding “they want to see more, Cherish,” which sends some food flying in his face, courtesy of Xena and feminists everywhere. :P
Later that night, and dressed in their usual clothes, Xena and Autolycus use their newly-minted key to gain access to the chest room. They plan to tie the chest to the anchor when the ship comes for them once it’s discovered missing. Auto is feeling pretty confident about disabling the bells—as for the invisible strings; pfft, “that’s the oldest trick in the book.” They throw back the curtain to grab the chest…and there’s Malthus, dead on top of it! :-O Autolycus, of course, sets off the invisible hair alarm, and the two make a run for it.
Later, Arkel gathers all the warlords in the chest room to show off Malthus’s dead body. “Someone in this room killed him and stole the chest,” he accuses. Too bad, “Sinteres” laments; so when’s the boat leaving? The boat is gone, Arkel says. And it’s staying gone until he gets the chest—or the murderer. Autolycus, out of smooth talk, mutters to Xena that this is his cue to exit.
In private, he theorizes that with Malthus and his ego dead, their plan will never work. “Any good thief knows when to back off and pick another pocket.” Xena says it’s not an option; the chest is too important to her friends. “Find less demanding friends,” is Auto’s advice. Xena sits on the bed and relates the story of how she met these people. They took her in after she was wounded in battle. One even died to protect her. “I can’t expect you to understand that.”
But Autolycus has more depth than Xena gives him credit for. He doesn’t just steal because his daddy taught him to—his parents were dead, in fact, and he was raised by a brother who was ultimately killed. Stealing was borne of necessity, kind of like how Xena first started fighting to save her village. The good news is that her story moved Auto, and he’s back on board. Anywho. Auto claims the bed this time but as he pulls back the curtains they find—the chest! Conveniently just as some of the guards are knocking to do room searches. :P The two of them scramble to find a new hiding place, but as Auto complains: “Multi-million dinar castle and no closets.” :P Tension is mounting as the guards demand entrance; ultimately Xena and Auto pile on top of the chest on the bed. Looks rather like “Cherish” is giving “Sinteres” a sexual massage as they burst in; hubba, hubba. “Sinteres” is enraged… “Cherish, my toothpicks!” The guards hastily retreat. :P After Auto’s attempts to continue the massage are violently rebuffed Xena reads the fine print on the chest—“Do not fear the truth, face it, for to turn away from the truth is death.” Anyway, their next move, much to Auto’s bewilderment, is to put the chest back where it came from. This is the only place the guards aren’t searching, after all, and it will tell the person framing them to back off.
They’re above the table in the chest room, starting to lower it down via rope. They talk briefly about Hercules, and the romantic relationship, or lack thereof, between him and Xena. Stop butting in, other show! :P Anywho, Auto has to lower himself down and then Xena will swing the chest to him. “A kiss before I…” Xena shoves him off, and he goes with another “Yodel-ay-HEE-hoo!” Xena swings him the rope to lower the chest, but of course Arkel’s voice comes from right outside the doors. Xena—luckily wearing “Cherish’s” outfit this time—moves to intercept him. The thought of a man dying in this room makes her “blood boil,” she purrs. Also, she was expecting Arkel. She left “Sinteres” passed out in his chambers, and not behind Arkel attempting to lower the chest. :P Xena makes sure that his eyes remain on her, even when complications arise. She’s interested in a new lover…and she gives Arkel a steamy kiss. “By the gods, you are an animal!” she groans as “Sinteres” crawls out the door and makes it appear like he just arrived. “Cherish” stutters a bit; “we were just talking!” and “Sinteres” leads her away, leaving Arkel to note the newly-returned chest on the table.
In the morning, Arkel greets the warlords over breakfast with the news that the chest has been returned, some fishermen “will be wiped off the face of the Earth” to show its power, and oh yeah, here are some new people—the REAL Sinteres and…an imprisoned Gabrielle! Dum dum DUUM!
A nervous Gabrielle apologizes for ruining the plan, but Xena is wearing her trademark grin; “I was getting tired of this game anyway.” The real Sinteres, while playing havoc with Gab’s head and some pressure points, is thrilled to meet her; not so much with his imposter; “The King…of Thieves,” Autoclycus introduces himself a bit less cockily than usual. Prognese, still alive and kicking, begs the honor of killing the imposters, but Xena outs him as Malthus’s murderer! When Arkel told them the news of his death, Prognese had repeated some words written on the chest. Arkel promptly calls for his death, and Sinteres steps in to do the deed, leaving Arkel to hold a dagger to Gabs. He goes to Prognese, pontificating about death having “a thousand doors to let out life.” His personal touch for this presentation is to stab some pressure points in his arm, then legs and chest; Prognese goes down. “As you feel the blood drain from your lifeless heart, I explode your brain!” Sinteres cackles while poking Prognese in the eyes. Rather cheesy, but it does get the job done. Time for Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus to make a hasty weapon, thanks once again to Auto’s bow and arrow! Sinteres wants to go after them but Arkel leaves that o his men; “Right now, I want to test this marvelous weapon.”
Once our threesome has acquired safe distance, Xena tends to Gabrielle’s pressure point problem, leaving her with a headache that makes her wish she was dead. Xena sends her off to follow Arkel et al to see where they take the villagers while she and Auto will prep for battle. “Is your life always like this?” a bewildered Auto asks Xena. “Pretty much.” :P Back at the abandoned castle, they change into their normal clothes, back to back. Their talk switches back to Hercules, and how shocked Auto is that he passed up this “diamond in the rough” to be his lady love. Xena makes him stutter over his compliment, then turns to face him while letting loose that they might have felt some attraction, but “neither one of us wants to fool ourselves.” They have two different shows to run, after all. :P For the moment, Xena and Auto are looking pretty suggestive themselves. “There are those of us who live to fool ourselves,” Auto suggests.
Elsewhere, the warlords lead the villagers by poking them with spears. Gabs watches from the brush, placing a rock marker on the trail, only to look up and find Sinteres grinning down at her! Uh oh. Looks like at least she’d left enough markers for Xena to find the cave where everyone is, because here she comes to ruin the party. Sinteres cackles over how he promises to make do on this enjoyable fight between the two of them—“even though this will be the last bit of joy you ever experience on this Earth.” Gulp. Autolycus enters to hold off the guards…he can fight, too! “Should I concentrate on anyone in particular or do we hate them all?” he asks Xeen. “Every lat one of them,” she replies. Once the guards are downed, Gabs leads the villagers to safety.
Sinteres is flexing his fingers in a way that looks like a mix between martial arts and being a bug with pincers. :P The two of them block each other’s blows, then Xena gets some pressure points on his leg and he gets some pressure points on her shoulder. They both right themselves, but are rubbing their wounds. Then Sinteres delivers a brutal blow to her legs! She goes down…he’s about to get her eyes…but Xena blocks him and the delivers a death blow to his chest. And Sinteres goes doooown.
Arkel now has the chest, and opens it despite Xena’s protests. The two of them, plus Gabs and Auto, are now the only ones in the cave. A bright light in the chest coalesces into a ball that juts outward to ethereal music. “Don’t fear the truth, face it,” Xena cautions her friends. The light intensifies and Arkel turns to flee. As he does, a bolt shoots out and spears him through the chest, burning him alive! Then the light settles peacefully back into the chest. Xena, Gabs and Auto walk forward to the ashen remains of Arkel. “That was incredible!” Gabby gasps. “And you want to return this to your friends?” Auto asks doubtfully. “It belongs to them,” Xena replies. She pulls out two stone tablets, which Auto proceeds to read…”Thou shalt not covet, thou shalt not steal…who can live by these laws?” Well certainly not you, Auto, as you’ve proven. :P
The threesome are reunited with Xena’s friends where the leader gives Auto a pouch of all he has. “Theft is not a thing we admire—but you truly are the King of Thieves,” he backward-compliments him. :P Auto asks that he spread the word around, and then turns to say goodbye to the ladies. “What can I say to you?” he asks Xena. “I’ve never had a partner in crime before and after this—I never will.” Ta-da-ching. They lean in suggestively again, then Xena sticks out her hand, which Autolycus kisses. Gabrielle admits that she likes him as he walks away, “even though, when you strip it all away, he’s just a thief for hire.” “Is he?” Xena counters. Now we cut to the friends who are leaving with the chest on a wagon…plus Auto’s money bag. Such a mesnch! “I wish I knew he was going to do that,” Gabrielle sighs. “Or else I wouldn’t have taken this.” She holds up a hand with his ring. You go, Gabs; you stole from the best! Xena lectures her on not following what was written on the tablets. “I promise I’ll give it back—as soon as I find the owner.” Kind of love that Gabs gets the last witty line.
And the disclaimer for this episode is: No ancient and inflexible rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the making of this motion picture. I dunno, “Xena,” you kinda flouted those dictates about stealing and murder for the entirety of the episode. :P
This was a really fun episode, if for no other reason, then because Autolycus is a “tour-de-force.” I can’t wait to see him again, and am saddened that he’ll drop off after the fourth season. As for the religion stuff, I should really let it go, because they actually treated Jewish (Christian-Muslim) mythology with some reverence. I especially liked the line about how the people used these laws to define themselves—very Jewish sentiment. And I hope everybody, no matter their religious affiliation or lack thereof, enjoyed this episode!
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