Xena: Warrior Princess Episode 1.15: “Warrior…Princess”

[chavalah.livejournal.com]

This episode, with its clever play on the series title, is one of a handful coming up featuring Xena look-alike (but not personality-alike characters.) It’s always cause for some amusement, plus the chance for Lucy Lawless to show off her acting chops. Seriously, even when Xena and the Princess, Diana, were playing each other’s roles, the specific characters always shone through for me. Lucy has a real gift.

Lots of different aspects to this story, too…shedding naiveté and seeing the world with new eyes, romance, intrigue, and murder plots! Definitely a solid, fun ride for the Xenaverse.


Xena is riding hard towards a castle and when she approaches the guards bow to her! “I’m here to see…the king, thanks,” Xena stutters. Inside the castle, a hallway of sniggering guards quickly stands to attention as she walks through, even bowing their weapons respectfully. What the… A woman quickly approaches and puts a shawl on the warrior princess in order to cover her “costume.” Xena is thoroughly weirded out by now, and she says she’s here to see the king. The woman suggests that Xena attend to him in his bedroom, so Xena’s like :-O. Don’t think so. She’ll wait for him to come to her. “Your wish is my command,” the woman tells her before heading off. Whoah, what’s happened to this show? :P

The warrior princess takes some wine as she ponders what exactly is going on. A shady person is sneaking up behind her! Xena spits fire at him and he falls out the window as the king hurries in. “He’s headed west; go after him!” he commands his guards. He then turns to Xena and gives as bewildering a reaction as any other this episode. He’s stunned. “This is remarkable!” Xena wants to know who just attacked her, and the king says he wishes he knew. He sent for her to help safeguard someone’s life. “I’m not a hired sword at the disposal of those who can afford to pay,” Xena scoffs. The king pleads—the attempt on her life was meant for his daughter! At this moment, a high pitched voice asks “You wanted to see me, Papa?” We turn…and see a Xena lookalike! In a pink dress. :P

Meet Princess Diana! The king introduces her. “It’s amazing!” Diana gushes to Xena. “It’s like looking into a mirror—before I brush my hair.” :P Unintentional zinger! Xena circles the princess, and then the king asks his daughter to leave. He wants to keep the attempts on her life secret from her, the king explains. But he heard of Xena’s resemblance to her; like she was “fated to help us.” Xena’s still resisting; she’s more into helping the poor. A guard comes back then to alert them that Xena/Diana’s assassin has escaped into the night. Uh oh. The king appeals to her again; aren’t you a “fighter for justice”? He theorizes that the people trying to kill Diana are slave traders about to go under. He’s marrying his daughter to Mineus, a dude from another kingdom, Liberiam, where owning people is still cool. But once their kingdoms are joined, that practice is going out the door. “I implore your help,” he pleads. Xena begins to soften. She realizes this means that the two of them will have to switch places until the wedding. Xena points out that Diana should leave the castle, despite the king’s protests that she hasn’t in years. “Even better—no one will know who she is,” Xena presses. She posits that the slavers have an insider who’s working for them. But she decides to do this. Of course this means testing herself with the woman from before—Diana’s servant, Tessa. “I’m sorry I was a bit curt with you before…” “Diana” says airily. Tessa says no biggie, and starts offering the princess royal delicacies. Xena does pretty well—until she unwittingly says she wants to eat “Akhbash”—the family dog. Ba da bing. :P

Later, as Diana and Xena change clothes, the royal princess admits to the warrior princess that she’s never met her fiancé Mineus. But she’s on good terms with his brother Philemon. Phil’s a pretty great guy, “with sky-blue eyes and fawn-colored hair,” Diana gushes. Hm. Expecting something deeper involved in all of this? :P Diana starts playing with the chakram despite Xena’s warnings that it’s a weapon, not jewelry. She’s none too pleased with the ribbons that Diana has threaded around her shoulder pads, hee. “I was just trying to give it some color; it looks awfully dark,” Diana says. “Well, you’re going to have to convince people that you’re me and I like dark,” Xena responds. Can I just say…this is Lucy’s finest hour? She’s playing two characters pretending to be one another, and yet both characters are still shining through. Brava. Anywho, Diana is giving Xena posture lessons. She’s excited to go out among “the little people, learning of their concerns.” Don’t call them that, Xena cautions. The morality story is already evident. :P She tells Diana to meet up with Gabrielle. Off she rides on Argo.

Xena, now wearing the pink dress, wanders the castle. Sudden noises put her on alert, as well as an ominous shadow of a man approaching with a weapon! Xena flattens herself, then pounces. Of course it only turns out to be Philemon with a rose. :P Luckily, when she rouses him, she’s able to convince the dude that he scared off his attacker. :P She asks him to walk around the entire castle with her since she feels so safe with him. Pretty pathetic ego boost. :P But Xena also wants to grill him—say on his thoughts about slavery ending in his home country. Philemon says it will make him feel “proud.” And his brother, Mineus? “You know he believes strongly in emancipation,” Philemon says, not entirely convincingly. What brought on this subject matter anyway? The king thinks pro-slavers are trying to kill her, Xena says. Philemon brushes it off; everyone in his Liberium envoy is totally on board with the program. He turns the conversation back to the princess, how she’s beautiful, intelligent and can play the harp (you can see Xena’s heart skip a beat for that one. :P) “His heart will break as mine broke,” says ever-foreshadowing Philemon.

Perfect time for ninja assassins to come, no? :P Of course, Xena has to pretend to be helpless. But some fancy footwork as she fights behind Philemon, or when Phil’s back is turned, allows her to win the battle. She gets a little caught up in it, though; “You’re highness, you’re running the wrong way!” Philemon warns her as she tries to chase her beaten attackers. Xena quickly goes back into Diana-mode, claiming Phil is just “so brave.” Also, take this and press down to stop the bleeding. :P Aaaw.

So speaking of Diana, where’s that chick gone off to? Well, Gabrielle is leaning by a tree, staring off into space as she tries to think up the next line for her scroll. A goon gets up in her space, and she complains disinterestedly, “you’re blocking my sunlight.” “I’ll gladly return the sun, for a price,” the goon says. Things could get ugly, but Gab sees “Xena” approach from nearby, so she’s all confident now. She calls for Xena as the fighting begins, but all Diana is able to do is prance around awkwardly and give the goon what amounts to a semi-hard tap on the shoulder. :P A bewildered Gabrielle is finally able to knock the goon out with her staff. So what’s going on, “Xena”? (Diana is hiding in some bushes now.) Is this a test of some sort?

An increasingly agitated Diana tries to prove her identity, and she crumbles a bit under Gab’s teasing. “I haven’t been out of the castle in years. I got lost three times on the way here, and I’m missing my father already. And now, you don’t even believe I’m me!” she wails. Well that sells Gabrielle. :P Xena’s no crier. Her demeanor changes at once, first awestruck by the resemblance and then awestruck by the princess. She bows, but Diana hisses for her to straighten; she’s in hiding here! And she needs some Xena advice asap. Well, first of all, Gabs says, the warrior princess would not be crying. :P Diana attempts this.

Back at the castle, Tessa tells Xena that her husband-to-be has arrived. “Oh, goody!” Xena says…looks like she needs more Diana lessons, too. :P Philemon watches her suspiciously from the bushes. Apparently he’s onto the fact that his secret love is acting more aggressive than usual. She’s also growing impatient with her 1,000 hair brushes. Who is Diana—Marcia Brady? :P Xeen ultimately finagles her way out of 200 with Tessa—“I’ll tell you what; we’ll do 12,000 tomorrow to make up for it.” Sounds like a long day.

Later, Xena confirms with the king that there must be a traitor to send the ninja assassins. The royal is more concerned about the feast presently. Although Xena is dressed in a new blue gown and headband, he doesn’t think she can pull off being Diana in a room full of people who’ve known her since childhood. “That’s exactly where I want to be,” Xena pushes, theorizing that the traitor must hit close to home.

So here’s her big test! She enters a room to dainty medieval music, bowing her head politely to a chorus of “Highnesses.” Maybe she could get used to this? :P Well, Mineus is a bit of a snob about it. “She’s attractive enough, but her courtesy is abominable,” he whines to Philemon. Phil remains suspicious of this turn of events. Xena, meanwhile, is suspicious of Glauce, the ambassador to Liberium, and Bromeus, the top general. Certainly two dudes with a lot of power. The king, of course, is reluctant to see the evil in either of them. Glauce arranged the marriage and Bromeum has been a loyal general.

But for now, dinner must be served! Everyone sits down, and Glauce toasts “the most beautiful bride under Zeus’s sun.” Aaaw. Xena stands up with toasts of her own…to the end of slavery in Liberium! To the end of corruption in the kingdoms! And DEATH to all traitors in our midst. :-O Whoah, Xeen, maybe try toning it down a bit? But both dudes she suspects both look very uncomfortable about all of this.

Anywho, Glauce, Mineus and Philemon come up with a plan of their own—why not play the harp for us, you accomplished musician, you? Xena, who can kick and flip her way out of most scuffles with half a dozen warlords, comes up short at this. Uh oh…the tension music swells as she ascends to the harp. The two brothers have their beady eyes trained on her. She slowly positions her fingers…and then the strings pop off! :-O Damn! “Maybe another day,” Xena says sweetly. I can’t say this dinner scene is the most crafty of “Xena” creations. :P

Elsewhere in the kingdom, Diana is administering 1,000 brushes to Argo’s tail. “It looks so flat and dull,” she opines when Gab pulls her off somewhere in the 800s. Oh well, now it’s time for sleep. “Why are you throwing those rags on the soil?” Diana asks with diminishing naiveté. You mean we have to sleep here? And what about food? Diana can apparently eat an entire “pickled crosseus” on her own. An awkward Gab admits she’s not much of a hunter—how about some cheese? Diana is obviously struggling here. :P Why can’t they go to an inn for some real food? Gabrielle implores her to try the cheese. Diana makes a face. “You may look like Xena, but you’re nothing alike,” Gab laughs. Isn’t that the truth. “Philemon thinks I’m a delicate flower—far too frail to eat bread and cheese and endure a night under the stars.” With that endorsement it’s a wonder Diana hasn’t dropped dead yet. “This experience will enrich me and allow me to better rule my own kingdom,” Diana promises, adding that once she’s queen she’ll get to know the hearts of her people.

Why not start right now? :P There’s a strange man approaching and he’s starving, along with his family. “Starving? There’s no one starving in my—in this kingdom,” Diana stutters. The man shrugs—her admonishment doesn’t change his situation. Gabrielle gives him the cheese; “I think you need this more than us.” The man calls his family forth, sad music playing over the shy children peeking out from behind their mother’s skirts, as the dad explains that he’s looking for work. Diana is having a difficult time hanging onto her emotions again.

Xena, meanwhile, runs into Philemon who demands to know what she’s done with the real Diana. The warrior princess decides not to deny it. How did Phil know? Lots of things…Phil says. Catching an orange just now as he tosses it, tending to his bloody nose when Diana faints at the sight of blood. Who are you? Xena introduces herself and Philemon is immediately at ease. Girl has quite a reputation now. :P Does she know who’s behind the attacks? “Whoever stands to gain the most from her murder…maybe you,” Xena says. Ouch. Phil is burned. “I would never harm her! She’s the most magnificent creature to ever walk this earth.” Yadda yadda, more poetry about smiles of daylight and a voice like the siren’s song. “And how long have you been in love with her?” Xena knows how to cut through the cheese. :P At least Phil doesn’t deny it. “From the first day I laid eyes on her.” Aaw.

But the lovefest is interrupted by a Molotov cocktail through the window! Xena catches it and throws it back. Sucks to be you, assassin-wannabe. :P She jumps after it, douses the dude in water and puts the pinch on him to get some information. But not before throwing out “It’s sizzling tonight, don’t you think?” Hee. But back to business! Who’s trying to kill the princess? The assassin chokes out that it was Bromeus who hired him. This distresses the king. Maybe he took a bribe? Xena opines. Glauce is there as well, very sad about this treachery. *eyebrow arch* They go to Bromeus’s room and discover he’s hanged himself! “He killed himself rather than deal with the disgrace of being found out as a traitor,” Glauce declares. Yeah, uh huh. With this news, the king outs Xena as herself. “Xena…well that explains a lot,” says the sleazy Glauce. Looks like he knows what he’s up against now.

Now that Diana is coming home, Xena implores Philemon to tell her how he feels. Phil protests—as firstborn, Diana rightfully “belongs” to Mineus. “Diana belongs to no one but herself,” says feminist Xena. “The sooner you realize that, the better off both of your kingdoms will be.” I love this show.

Diana and Gab are still hanging out with the starving family. In fact, Diana has sprung for food! The man thanks “Xena” for his bounty. Diana promises to tell the king of this injustice. But his daughter is more interested in the chakram, or as the princess names it, “my round killing thing!” “Chakram,” Gabs corrects, to which Diana responds “bless you.” :P Cute. Gabrielle is of slightly more help to Diana as she tries to explain what the chakram does…kills centaurs? I mean cyclopses. Hundreds of them. “I took care of them all with my trusty round thing.” The girl demands a demonstration, and before Gabs can issue the warning alert, Diana sends the chakram whizzing around in a hundred different directions, almost decapitating several people, including her father’s approaching horsemen. “Good shot!” The girl says when it lands. She seems kind. :P

Reunited with her father, Diana is on a mission to make things better for the peasants. Xena is pleased in a moral-at-the-end-of-the-story way. “You were right,” Diana plays into her hand. “They’re not little at all. They’re grand and they’re warm and they deserve so much better from us.” Well, at least she’s not a ditzy princess. Anwyho, it’s time to get this marriage on the road. Philemon is also around to greet Diana, but now both of them look sad. Alas. Gabrielle, meanwhile, is happy by all of this room service. :P But Xena doesn’t want to say; they have to be in Corinth by nightfall. Sounds like a set up to me…especially when we pan upwards to Glauce and one of his goons. “With Xena out of the way, killing Diana will be easy,” he croons. Dun dun DUUUN!

The wedding is about to take place, but Mineus still seems to be housing doubts. “Do you think you could love her?” Philemon presses. “Oh, Diana? I dunno, we’ll see.” Sounds like a ringing endorsement. :P Phil decides he wants to dash straight home after the wedding, to which his bro responds “whatever.” Not a big intuitive guy, this one. At least Philemon is a bit better—he overhears some guards talking about needing a chair to get Bromeus down…apparently there was nothing to stand on when he hung himself. Huh. Do I smell MURDER? :-O He brings this news directly to the King and Diana, and his love begs him to ride after Xena. “I’m asking you from my heart,” she implores.

Philemon rides off and servants dress a sad Diana in her wedding gown. Glauce is talking to the broom. Is Mineus nervous? Don’t worry, “here’s where you crown your bride and join our kingdoms—for better or worse.” He casts an eye to the chandelier creaking dangerously overhead. Uh oh!

Lover boy catches up to Xena and Gabrielle and explains how Bromeus was murdered so the princess is still in danger. He and Xena rush off, leaving Gabrielle stuttering “I’ll just, uh, don’t mind me, I’m fine!” Ba da bing!

The wedding has started! Diana approaches with flowers. From behind a curtain a hand reaches to cut the rope to the chandelier! It falls! Diana swings her future hubby out of the way…and of course it’s really Xena. :P She uses the rope to swing around and kick goon butt. She rips off most of the dress, and Mineus is beside himself with grief. “This is who I’m marrying?” What a prima donna. Glauce determines that the real Diana is probably somewhere unprotected, but before he can escape Xena flips to the harp and uses it as an arrow. At least she can use it as something. :P Anywho, she pins Glauce to the wall with arrows. Another joke! Mineus, apparently, doesn’t see any of this. “I’m not marrying this—woman!” But hey, at least it clears the field for Phil.

Speaking of Phil, he and the real Diana are still riding to the castle when princess stops. “Did you tell Diana that you love her?” she demands. Phil is a little distracted by fears of imminent danger, but the lady insists this question is more important. No, he didn’t tell her, Phil confesses, “because I don’t think she loves me.” “That’s not true—I do!” Diana protests. And the gig is up! Identities revealed, they kiss to romantic music as the camera pans up.

Later everyone is dancing at the castle and Gabrielle’s feeling a bit wibbly. “I hope I find someone who makes me smile like that.” What about the boy toys, Gab? Or at least Perdicas? Xena doesn’t have much doubt that Gab will land a man. “Just don’t be afraid to speak up when it happens. Of course, that’s never been a problem with you, has it?” Oh, our ladies and their quirks. :P Gab’s is taken with the shinyness of Diana’s hair; “wait til you see Argo’s tail.” She wants to know what it was like for Xena to masquerade as a real princess. “Not as much fun as you’d think,” Xena replies. What?? But you had people waiting on you hand and foot! You had all the riches a person could desire! It’s not me, Xena shrugs (strange thing for a former warlord to say. :P) Speaking of which, she’s eager to grab a dessert delicacy from a plate; “Well, I didn’t say I couldn’t get used to it.” Hee.

The disclaimer was: Neither Xena nor her remarkably identical twin Diana were harmed during the production of this motion picture. I notice they left out the rest of the cast. :P

All in all, an enjoyable episode. Pretty simple story arcs about princesses going out into the real world, princes admitting their love, and mustache-twirling villains. I have to like how Xena deftly handled an assassination crisis and a love crisis. :P And, like I said before, Lucy Lawless’s acting was seriously impressive, beyond the scope of this episode. Anywho, looking forward to seeing Diana again! Philemon can tag along, too, but hopefully he’ll leave his prima donna brother at home.

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