Xena: Warrior Princess Episode 1.14: “A Fistful of Dinars”

[chavalah.livejournal.com]

This episode is a fun, light-hearted romp of swash-buckling and treasure hunting that links Xena to yet another piece of mythology (questing for the Sumerian treasure.) Damn, that girl got around. :P I guess no one can say she didn’t take being an evil warlord seriously.

It also featured another boy toy, kinda/sorta shared by Xena and Gabrielle, but ultimately Xena was only looking after Gabrielle and Gab taught her that people can change, so I’m cool with it. :P This is also the episode, which first introduces ambrosia, the food of the gods! Expect this delicacy to make its way back in the future, yes yes.


A man is racing in the woods until a log is swing into his face and a grinning, dirty man puts a sword at his throat. “You’re a dead man, Lycus,” he says. “Dead men don’t need treasure.” He grabs the purse, but here comes Xena to knock him out! The man turns and runs when Gabrielle appears, too. Lycus gasps at Xena after recognizing her that the pouch must be retrieved. Gabrielle tends to him while Xena runs after his attacker. The man says he’s been chasing Lycus for three years, yikes. When he takes out his sword Xena kicks it into a tree and is able to grab the pouch. But then another man stabs him in the back! :-O Xena calls this new, shifty-eyed stranger Thersites. He’s after clues that lead to the Sumerian treasure…one he has already and another is in the pouch, which he now demands. Xena removes a big, elaborate coin. “Hardly a clue…unless you mean this.” She flips a folded piece of paper out from behind it. Tersites tries lunging again, but Xena’s able to keep him away with some jabbing kicks while she unfolds the paper, reads it and then eats it all with a grin on her face. :P Oh, Xena. She says a map was on the parchment so now she’s the only one who knows where to go for the treasure. She invites him along to help find it with her…curious.

Gabrielle covers Lycus’s body with a sheet. Xena and Thersites make it back and Xeen privately has to explain the legend of the Sumerian treasure to her bewildered friend. Gab the bard knows that there’s more than treasure there; there’s also “Titan’s key,” which holds ambrosia, food of the gods. When Xena, Lycus, Thersites and a fourth man made a pact to find the treasure, only she and Lycus knew about the bulk of it. This is why Lycus was so concerned; they want to safeguard the ambrosia from ill-advised mortal-to-god transitions. :P So off they go with Thersites. Xena takes a moment to say goodbye to her “friend,” Lycus, before just leaving his body there…seems a bit cold!

Later they arrive at the bottom of Mount Poulis, which is about to erupt! This could open the cavern for the ambrosia to be disturbed. Time to find the fourth guy with the final clue…a warlord named Petracles whom Xena quickly derides as a “vicious, domineering, conniving liar” who gets any woman to fall for him and then discards her. Shockingly (at least to my sensibilities) Xena was among them; they were even about to get married! They arrive at his camp.

Petracles, far younger and handsomer than Thersites, is inside with some peasant captives. “I don’t want to burn your village and enslave your farm, I really don’t,” he says diplomatically. :P “Not that I don’t like those things.” A quivering man points out that Petracles already has their horses, cattle and weapons, but the warlord is not impressed. “I have to justify my actions here or else I’ll lose face with my men.” No one should sound so friendly when saying that. :P Luckily, Xena enters just then as Gabrielle gives medical advice to the guard she just downed. The bard then hands the warlord the Sumerian coin while Xena relays that Lycus is dead. Petracles is now distracted enough to listen to Xena’s advice to let the peasants go and give them back their things. She has three clues and he has one, the warrior princess points out. Looks like he’ll be tagging along as well.

We sweep over the forest and then center on Gabrielle and Petracles as they walk together. Gabs can’t keep glancing at him, apparently since he pissed Xena off so bad that she hates him. “Hate is a pretty strong word…but it might be the right one,” quips the bard. :P Not you? Petracles asks. Gabs points out that she doesn’t know him, except for what Xena says about the dude being a bloodthirsty warlord. Petracles thanks her for being upfront. :P He denies being quite “bloodthirsty” though. Gabs points out the visitors he was harassing and Petracles says sure; “I’m not a nice guy.” But he was just bluffing, he promises. Speaking of false impressions, Gabs, what do you know about this treasure? :P Oh no, Gabs protests, laughing knowingly; Xena alerted her to his game. They get into a competition about who can “sweet-talk” better; Gabs who talked her parents into buying her a pony, or a Cyclops out of his dinner “and I was the dinner,”; or Petracles who talked a warlord out of his army at 15, or convinced Xena to marry him. Looks like Petracles won. :P Xena calls for Gabs to join her up front. She doesn’t like the two of them getting too close, and she reminds Gabs that he’s untrustworthy. “I’m an adult, remember?” Gab gripes. Sounding a bit like a teenager there, hee.

Thersites waits for the rest of them, though he’s not happy Petracles is tagging along. The two of them exchange gruff greetings. “Doing well? Oh, that’s too bad,” quips Thersites. :P Also, he wants half of the treasure, and the two men argue about whether a warlord or an assassin is more useful on this quest. Xena equates his profession to that of a straight-out murderer, to which Thersites says “assassin is for pay. Murder is for kicks.” …well, I feel better. :P Gabrielle points out that there are four of them for the treasure to be split between, to which Thersites grabs his knife and suggests that he can fix that. “Be nice,” Xena warns, grabbing him by his chin.

But the family drama is interrupted by Thersites ex-employer, who wants good on a job that the assassin was supposed to do before he got sidetracked by Lycus. An old man approaches from a throng of younger ones, claiming that they had a deal “for the head of Kronus.” Thersites says it’s still attached to the victim’s neck, but he’ll be getting it just a few days late. Late isn’t good enough, says the old man. “If I can’t have the head that I want, then I’ll take four that I don’t!” Damn. That’s some petty grudge. Everyone’s pulling out a sword now, but Thersites isn’t too concerned. “I’m the one with tricks up my sleeve,” he warns, before dethatching a dagger from a hidden wrist sheath and burying it in the old man’s chest! As he falls, the men behind him say my favorite line of the episode: “He killed Marleus! Ruuuuun!” Classic cheese. :P Once alone with the body, Thersites makes sure to rob him of the rest of his gold, how nice.

Later the foursome enters Peis territory, which is riddled with skeletons on rotating wheels, reminding me of the gates of Troy a few eps back. Xena cautions that they should move quickly as these dues “don’t take prisoners.” Gulp. Already, unseen, they’re throwing arrows at the group! A man half-hidden by foliage plays the drums for added suspense. They run until they reach a rickety bridge suspended high over a rushing river. This looks familiar. :P Xena has Petracles secure the other side. Once safe she tries to send Gab across..but with arrows flying Thersites isn’t keen to stay on the bank any longer. Despite Xena’s protests and the straining ropes on the bridge, Thersites clamors on after her. They move slowly, still breaking a board or two, until the rope snaps and down they swing into the rock face! Drums are still beating as Gabs is barely able to hold on. Thersites, being the nice guy that he is, climbs over her to reach the top. Auurgh, *fists* Xena flips across the chasm to the bridge next to Gabs and is able to help her climb up. Once safety deposited on the other side, Gabby delivers some well deserved punches to Thersites, methinks.

At night they build a fire where Xena and Gabby talk privately about the menfolk. “That man scares me,” Gabs whisperes about Thersites lurking on a log behind her. Petracles worries Xena more; at least Thersites is open about the fact that he’s a jerk. Gabrielle is growing irritated by Xena’s mantra about how he reads and manipulates people. “Once he’s got your trust, he’s got you.” With that seemingly under control, Xena approaches Thersites and tells him she won’t forget what happened on the bridge. “What’s the big deal? She’s worthless anyway,” Thersites scoffs. “She doesn’t have any clues.” “If she dies, you die,” Xena promises, stating she doesn’t care much about the gold. No, I don’t think you do, Thersites says slowly. She doesn’t have “the gold lust” in her eyes. What’s her endgame? It’s not greed. Uh oh, zip it, Xena! She turns back to the fire only to find Gabrielle gone!

After gathering firewood, Gabs doesn’t return to the campsite but goes to find Petracles instead. :P Such a teenager. She wants to talk to him about Xena. What’s Xena told you about us? Asks the warlord. Warnings, Gabs giggles. Petracles said they met when they were young and didn’t know what love was. “We confused possession with passion.” They had to own each other. Sounds like he could be the warlord whisperer. :P “I asked her to marry me because I thought that was the best way I could conquer her,” Petracles explains. When she fell for it, he didn’t want her anymore. Meanwhile, he and Gabs are getting a little touchy-feely in the moment. Gabs calls it cruel, and Petracles says well, I judged things by battle. “When anything was won, I lost interested in the spoils.” “Sounds like an empty experience,” Gabs quips, to which Petracles calls her smart…perceptive…beautiful. Uh oh. Wuddaya know, in a few seconds they’re sucking face. :P But Gabs pulls apart quickly and runs. We linger for a second on Petracles’ face…is he still the same warlord doing what he can to get his prize?

Xena is polishing her sword when Gabrielle and Petracles come back, barely separately, and continue to act awkward and suggestive around each other. Hm. That night, as Petracles sleeps at his post, Xena sneaks up behind and puts her hand over his mouth. “Don’t mess with my friend,” she warns. “What makes you think that I am?” Petracles asks when free. Xena calls his seductive technique “familiar territory.” “Does it ever occur to you that I might not be the same person?” Petracles challenges. Yeah right, Xeen says dismissively. There’s nothing new about you. They talk a little about their old wedding bracelets; Petracles sold his for weapons and Xena threw hers in the fire “like I do with all my garbage.” Yikes. Someone’s grudge is really showing. Petracles isn’t going to hurt Gab, he promises; he’s only here for the treasure. Once they split it they won’t see each other again. “I look forward to it,” Xena says by way of parting. But as she walks by Thersites, he opens an eye and grins. Uh oh…

The next day they get to the Temple of Demeter where they need a ruby on the idol for the treasure hunt. It is decided that Gabby and Thersites will pose as pilgrims while Xena and Petracles create a distraction by throwing spears. Ooh boy, it’s a Gabrielle show! :P Covered in dirty blankets, she and Thersites look more ridiculous, not less. She spouts godly praise until the priest comes out of the temple and wants to know their purpose here. “To pay homage to the mother of the Earth,” Gab gesticulates. “We are from your sister temple in…Nonamia.” Smooth, Gabs. :P The priest doesn’t know that temple, so Gab describes it as “across the waters—big waters.” OK, this story is falling a little flat. :P But luckily they have the Sumerian coin to shine in front of the greedy priest as “an offering.” Ah, “true believers!” The priest invites them in for some sacramental wine. “I could use a shot…” Thersites cackles before Gab kicks him. They kneel in front of the altar, noting the ruby in her crown, and Gab keeps gesticulating wildly in prayer. Thersites is more impatient about when the “distraction” will come. So we switch to Xena and Petracles outside as they start to throw spears at the temple from a distance. Yikes! The two guards and the priest rush out. Gabrielle quickly scales the temple for the ruby…but the altar topples as she climbs off; the idol falls and her head comes off! :-O Oh dear. The priest rushes back inside to label them “blasphemers!” Oh, they will suffer for this sacrilege; they will die horribly, limbs torn from bodies, eyes ripped from skulls, the sadistic priest cackles. Good time for Xena and Petracles to rush forward and down the guards. “However…I might be mistaken!” the priest backtracks. :P

As they run at Mount Poulis is about to blow, Xena and the boys argue about who should carry the ruby; Xena wins, of course. That night they approach three Sumerian statutes. Now the boys are arguing about who should say their clues first. They don’t make much sense separately… Thersites’s is “the teachers’ student,” Petracles’ is “is not incorrect.” As they argue about remembering things wrong, our ladies figure it out. :D The teachers’ student is not incorrect…double negative…pupil…maybe pupil of an eye? Xena remembers the map showing the sun casting rays towards the treasure, “neither east nor west.” So it’s gotta be the middle statue. …if you say so, Xeen. :P They wait for sunrise, still bickering. “Well, this is gonna be a pleasant evening,” Gabs quips.

Sunrise comes to ethereal music, hitting the ruby that Xena put into the eye of the middle statue. A path of light juts out towards a nearby cave and the foursome runs for it. They work together, moving the rock, and climb in. Thersites is annoyed by the lack of anything right in front of them but then rocks fall and the sunlight comes into the cave. It stops at an obelisk. Xena cautions Petracles, who’s closest, not to pull the ring, but of course he mishears, pulls it, and hello trap door! (Petracles somewhat unconvincingly is pulled in as well. :P He was a long way aways from the rest! Anywho.) Gabrielle makes a torch and the foursome finds themselves amidst the treasure. Squealing and stealing for the boys! :P Unfortunately Thersites finds Titan’s key first…and he knows what it’s for. There’s ambrosia in this joint! Oh shit! He grabs Gab, snuffs out the torch and all goes dark. Dum dum DUUUM!

Petracles is pissed that Xena didn’t tell him about the ambrosia. It’s that “trust problem” again! They find a back door that the map mentioned to get to the ambrosia. “That rat bastard better not hurt Gabrielle,” Petracles grouses; strong language! Xena is skeptical that he really cares. He’s just into the ambrosia, right? Petracles claims he doesn’t want to be a god, to which Xena scoffs yeah right. Anywho, time to clear up a plot confusion point; if they could get to the back door without a key, then why look for Titan’s Key in the first place? Well, apparently this Hall of Silence they’re in can be a killer. …I didn’t say it was the best “Xena” plot point explanation. :P

Thersites is jumping off walls at the prospect of being a god. “It’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?” “Definitely…” Gab chuckles nervously as Thersites drags her along. Let her go and he can have her portion of the treasure! Gabs promises him. Thersites laughs manically; she’s his insurance against Xena. “You know what my first godlike act is going to be?” “Kill world hunger?” Gab suggests. Thersites finds remarkably amusing and says revenge is on his list. He’ll bring a plague to all “for never giving me the respect I so rightfully deserve.” The dude is more tickled in these few minutes than he’s been all episode. :P

Xena and Petracles run into enough trouble in the Hall of Silence that they have to bolt to the back door or be crushed by falling rocks. Of course once they get inside, Thersites and Gabs enter from the front door. Stand off time! Thersites has a knife to Gabby’s throat. “Get away from my ambrosia!” He snarls. The red, fluffy contraption that looks like gillyweed from “Harry Potter” sits in a smoking cauldron. Xena and Petracles slowly circle around it in opposite directions. Thersites challenges Petracles; wanna be the nice guy or wanna be a god? Xena’s suspicions come to the forefront again; whose side are you on, former lover? Petracles eyes the ambrosia, grinning about the prospect of becoming a god. Figures, Xeen says. But then he grabs Gab! He’s about to help her escape when Thersites stabs him in the side. :-/ Ouch.

And now it’s time for a bonafide “Xena” fight because come on. :P As Gabs tends to Petracles, Xena and Thersites take swings at each other. Thersites tries to escape but can’t, poor boy. Xena kicks him down some steps then flips over to him. Thersites gets in a couple of good kicks and runs for the ambrosia but Xena flips again, knocking him down. They struggle, throat to throat for awhile, but then the “trick up his sleeve” is Thersites’s undoing. Thing backfires in the wrong direction. :-O That’s gotta hurt. He tries once more for the ambrosia but ultimately collapses dead.

Petracles isn’t doing so well either. He apologizes for hurting Xeen, but a guilty warrior princess brushes it off. “I was a fool to not appreciate what I had.” He gives her a pouch and then he dies. Inside is his wedding bracelet. :( He hadn’t sold it after all. Xena leaves that impression on menfolk, hee. But for the moment, Xena feels sad and guilty. “Sorry I ever doubted you,” she says.

Outside, Xena and Gabrielle walk to the frothing Mount Poulis and throw the ambrosia in, “giving it back to the gods.” I’m sure we’ll never see any more ever again. :P Xena admits that she was wrong about Petracles; “he was a good man,” just like Gab said. He was, says Gab, at least not relishing her victory. As they walk away, the ambrosia catches fire and sinks.

The disclaimer for this one is No Ambrosia was Spilled, Spoiled or in any way harmed during the production of this motion picture. (Thanks to the indefinite shelf life of marshmallows.) :P Such a creative props team! Can I have some ambrosia? ;)

Not the best “Xena” episode by any means, but even a one-note swashbuckling adventure can have some depth. Xena learns that Gabrielle can be correct when it comes to trusting people. I mean, out of everyone, she should know that folks can change. And Gabs, for all her teenage rebellion with the latest boy toy, was at least perceptive about events. Nice character moments in that. I liked Petracles and Thersites; they were fun characters (even if Thersites was just there to be a sniveling ass). Though for all of Petracles’s charm, it’s hard to imagine that he made Xena fall for him. I should remind myself that they apparently met when they were young, hee. We all have some growing up to do, even ruthless warrior princesses. ;)